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Shit, what have I done?
As I scrabbled around in the office, trying to find all of my clothes, I felt nothing but regret and shame. Now that the thick cloud of lust was gone from my judgement, all I could see was what a mistake this was for so many reasons. What sort of impression must I have given off just having sex with him like that? Just because I’d been having a relationship in my mind with him, didn’t make it real. According to Aron I’d just had sex with him completely out of the blue.
That wasn’t the way a self-respecting woman was supposed to behave. Women who men fell in love with were the ones who got taken out on dates, not the ones who got screwed in offices. I might have just wrecked my chance to actually be with this wonderful man, and that crushed my heart. I didn’t want to be a notch on his bedpost, that was never what my fantasies were about. I wanted to love him, to be loved by him, and now I’d blown that completely.
I couldn’t look at him as I pulled my scrubs back over me, all I could think about was how awful and awkward work was going to be now. As if it wasn’t difficult enough, I now had this to deal with. It was almost as if I wanted to torture myself. Now I had a true unrequited love story that was going to plague me forever more.
Damn it, maybe it was time to move, to move on to another hospital, just to get away from this.
“Are you okay?” Aron sounded cold and distant. Or maybe it was concern in his voice, I wasn’t sure, I didn’t think I wanted to know.
“I just need to get home, that’s all. I have...stuff to do.” I flicked my eyes everywhere but at him, trying to ensure that I hadn’t left anything behind.
“Let me give you a ride...”
“No,” I snapped, stepping back before he could touch me. “No, I don’t want a ride, thank you. I need to get the bus.”
I didn’t mean to act such a bitch, I just no longer felt comfortable at all. I needed to be alone so I could process what had just happened. I felt like every second spent in Dr. Turner’s presence was another chance to make a fool out of myself.
“You can’t get a bus, it’s too late. Let me take you back.”
I met his eyes for just a second, and I could see some hurt there, but it wasn’t enough to stop me. I’d ruined everything already, I might as well do it a bit more. “I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. I already told you that.”
Aron stared at me, panting heavily and I did the same back to him. He didn’t know what to say anymore, and neither did I. Everything I said only made it worse anyway, so maybe it was time to leave. I drank in the warmth of his dark eyes, I stared at his face, committing every inch of it to memory all over again, then with a shattering heart in my chest I turned and I moved towards the door. When Aron didn’t say anything, I felt that I needed to leave.
“So, yeah, bye.”
I stormed out of the office and slammed the door behind me. I sucked in a deep breath and smoothed down my hair, but I quickly realized that it was too late. I’d already been seen. There was an inquisitive pair of eyes staring at me like I was an embarrassing scene from a comedy movie.
My heart sank, I felt like I wanted a big hole to open up in the ground to swallow me whole. As if I hadn’t been through enough, now I needed to suffer this as well.
“What are you doing here?” Ted, the guy I once spent a couple of moments in a bar with a while back, asked me with a smirk. He was looking at me like he knew me well, which only served to piss me off further. “Just been for a visit with ol’ Dr. Turner?” He gave me a wink, which sent vomit fluttering around in my stomach. “Now I know why you’re getting so far ahead...and why you didn’t want to dance with me.”
“What are you talking about?” I tried denial, it seemed like the most logical choice.
“Oh, are you trying to pretend that you’re here for another reason?” He stepped closer to me, getting right up in my personal space. “Like, you’re visiting your friend?”
“I have been...” I started, before realizing that there was no point in trying to deny anything. The gossip seed was planted now, it would soon bloom and grow. “Fuck you,”
“Oh, really? Now? After that?” His smirk killed me, it made me want to vomit. I hated him, I hated Aron, I fucking hated everyone.
I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran away. I tore down the hallway as fast as I could manage with frustrated tears rolling down my cheeks. This was not how it was supposed to happen, everything was meant to be so much different. Why did I always have to screw everything up? It just wasn’t fair.
As the cold air hit me, I realized that I didn’t want to get the bus either, I didn’t want to be anywhere near another living person whether they were Dr. Turner or not. I wanted to walk, it would take me ages and I was already tired, but it was the only way.
I stomped my feet against the concrete, hoping that by the time I finally managed to make it home I would’ve managed to walk at least some of this negativity off. I couldn’t drag this around with me forever more, not if I was going to survive this.