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I felt like a young child about to start my first day of school. This was more terrifying than my first day of the hospital, I really didn’t want to go in. I was more anxious than I’d ever been in my life. I wanted to be at home with my mom, to have her take care of me as I recovered...but of course that wasn’t possible. This wasn’t school, I wasn’t a child, I would just have to hold my head high and ignore all the harsh words whispered about me.
“Did you hear...?”
“Oh my God, no way!”
“You never would’ve thought it...makes sense...”
I couldn’t be one hundred percent certain, but I was pretty sure that every single whisper was about me. I felt like I was in high school, and the bullies were taunting me. It was very hard to keep my chin up, but the fact that I had a job to do kept me going.
Just be strong, just get through this, soon they will all be talking about someone else. My internal pep talk felt like bullshit, but I continued to repeat it all the same, just to give me something to focus on. Something other than the stares.
“Oh...my...God!” Nancy’s far too gleeful voice burst through the air, giving me that sinking feeling all over again. “Violet, I need to talk to you.” She gripped my arm and tugged me towards her. “Come with me, tell me everything.”
“Look, can we not do this right now?” I tried to loosen her grip on me, but it seemed that she wasn’t ready to let me go just yet. “I just want to get on with my job...”
“Doctor freaking Turner. Who would’ve thought it?” She sounded nastier now, so I gave her a desperate look, internally begging her to stop. If she really was my friend, even if it was for a short time, she wouldn’t carry on down this path. “We all knew that you were up to something, we just didn’t realize that you were fucking the boss.”
“Please, Nancy, stop.”
“That’s why you didn’t bother to mingle with us all, why you always stuck your nose ten feet in the air like you were better than us.”
“Why?” I pleaded. “Why?”
“You only came out with us once and even then you left early, acting like I wasn’t good enough for you to hang around with.”
“No, it wasn’t...”
“Then you spend all your time, supposedly with some old lady, when really it’s all a cover up for your sordid affair.”
I noticed a crowd starting to surround us, which only amped up my nerves further. None of the people around us would be on my side, I was a damn social leper here.
“It isn’t...”
“Look, Violet, if that’s how you want to get ahead, that’s fine, just don’t expect anyone to be your friend. Maybe the old lady, that’s about it. But I will tell you one thing. Don’t rely on Dr. Turner to be around for you because from what I’ve heard he never sticks around. He’s a bang and run type, you know?” Laughs tittered around. “Or maybe you do know, maybe you’re like that too. Who knows? None of us because you won’t speak to anyone.”
I couldn’t stand it any longer, I didn’t want Nancy or any of the others to see me cry, so I pushed my way through the crowd, even past the ones who stood firm like a brick wall not wanting to let me past, and I made my way into the hospital.
I didn’t look at anyone as I ran through the halls, all I needed to do was to lock myself in a bathroom stall while I let all of this out. This truly was a mess, some of it of my own making, yes, but there was no point in worrying about what had or hadn’t happened. I just needed to work out what I was going to do next.
I slammed the door behind me and collapsed to the cold, tiled floor as I finally got the privacy I needed, and while the tears streamed down my cheeks I tried to think of a plan. There was no way I could stay here now, not with all of this going on. It had uprooted everything, and now I needed to change too.
My lungs squeezed together, almost too tight for me to breathe, as an ice cold panic circled my chest. There was no way that I could face coming in here every single day, not now, not knowing how much everyone hated me. I never meant to be so closed off, I just wanted to throw myself into my job. I never would have guessed that it would lead to all this. If I’d known that the path I was on would bring me here, then I would have done everything completely differently, but no amount of wishing for a time machine was going to make that happen.
Especially with Nancy’s words about the man I’d idolized for far too long: he never sticks around. He’s a bang and run type, you know. I didn’t know that, not then. But I did now.
I need to hand in my resignation, I need to get away from here, I need to create my own time machine and a fresh start.
I didn’t move to take action at first, I needed to wait until I was ready to face the outside world again which felt like a time that was very far away. I hadn’t been bullied in high school, but now I had sympathy for all those people that had. Having all those hateful eyes staring at me, with no real explanation for why, was awful. I never wanted to go through it again.
Once everyone was busy, once I knew for sure that everyone was hard at work, I would wait until then to go.