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Before I could go and speak to anyone–not Dr. Turner, anyone else–about me leaving I needed to tell Edna what was going on. I had promised that I would be back, to explain all of my issues, and that was even more necessary now. I would have to say goodbye with it.
I felt bad, leaving her, but I couldn’t stay. I hoped she understood that.
What the...?
As I walked into her room I was instantly hit by an icy coldness. The bed was empty, the room was clean, it felt really clinical and awful. My heart stopped beating, my brain whirred, the panic tightened even more painfully in my chest.
She’s in another room, she’s in surgery, she’s having a damn bath...
I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore, my brain lit right up with terror. I pushed free from the room and out into the hallway, this time with my head held high. I didn’t care if anyone stared at me now, I needed answers and I needed them now.
“Hey.” I grabbed onto the first auxiliary nurse I could see and held onto his shoulders. “What happened to Edna? Where is the woman from that room?”
His eyes followed where I was pointing. “I...I don’t know,” he sounded scared as he stammered. “I cleaned it up this morning, that’s all I’m sure of.”
“Is she...” A thick emotion swallowed up my words. I couldn’t ask the question that I didn’t want answered. “Find out, go and find out what happened.”
He raced off leaving me alone with the everlasting sadness. As I walked back into Edna’s room, I felt like I already knew the truth. There was none of her essence left, she wasn’t here anymore. I sat in the chair, staring at the bed, recalling everything about her that she’d shared with me. All that time she’d spent opening up to me, and I’d mostly kept to myself.
Maybe Nancy was right about that one thing. Maybe I was too closed off.
I wasn’t sure how long I remained sitting in that position, staring at an empty bed. It could’ve been minutes, or it could’ve been hours, but eventually someone entered the room with a sad smile on her face.
“Miranda?” I hadn’t seen her much since our first day together, but with her face in the room now it was challenging to hold it all together. She reminded me of a time when all I had was hope.
“I’m sorry, Violet. She’s...she passed away in the night.” My eyes filled with tears again, and I nodded stiffly. “It was very peaceful, and she didn’t even know that it was happening.”
“Best way,” I rasped, brushing my face dry. “It’s what she would’ve wanted. And she’s with Hank now.” I was trying my best to convince myself that this was all for the best, but it crushed me inside. “So, yeah. And I guess she isn’t suffering.”
Miranda grabbed me and she pulled me in for a deep bear hug, and I collapsed into her chest letting the sobs run free. She smoothed down my hair, treating me like a weeping child, and it was exactly what I needed in that moment.
“You were good to her,” she assured me. “You made Edna’s last few days bearable. Before you started spending time with her, she was like a broken woman. She had no family, no friends, no visitors. You made her happy.”
It didn’t feel like enough, not now. I needed more time with her to learn everything. Life is too short. Her words had more truth to them now than they ever did. Life is too short to not be with the one that you love. At least she had that love, at least I knew that.
Eventually Miranda had to go back to work, so she left me alone to grieve in the room for a while longer. During that time I alternated between pensive thought and weeping sobs.
“Violet?” It was only when Nancy’s regretful tone burst through my shock barrier that I remembered where I was.
“What do you want?” It wasn’t a time to be bitter, but after what she’d done to me this morning I wasn’t in a good, forgiving frame of mind.
“I just...” I glanced over to her, and watched as she bounced awkwardly from foot to foot. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. What I said this morning, it was out of order. I didn’t realize how truly close you were to Edna, and now I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have called her your cover up.”
“Right.” What did she expect me to say? Did she think I was going to jump into her arms and we’d live happily ever after?
“And...I know it’s none of my business what you do, but I want to be your friend. I thought we were becoming friends.” Her words trailed off, and I knew that I was supposed to say something, but I didn’t. I felt like this wasn’t the time or the place. “I was upset that you didn’t tell me what was happening.” Still, I didn’t respond. I just didn’t have any words left. “And jealous too, I suppose, because you’re doing so well. Everyone is jealous, we all want to be where you are.”
“Hmph.” By this point that was almost a joke. “Okay, Nancy. I will talk to you about this later. Right now, I just want to be alone.” I appreciated her effort, but I was too emotionally drained to deal with any of it. I had to have my space.
“I understand, I just feel like an asshole and I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
As the door clicked behind her I figured there might be a time that I could forgive her. Maybe. She had been an asshole, but we’d all made mistakes in life.
What that meant for my future though, I still wasn’t sure.