That night, I waited patiently in bed for my three stories, five hugs, and special song. I waited and waited, but Mom and Dad never came into my room.
I got out of bed and tiptoed down the hallway.
“Mom? Dad?” I whispered loudly.
I peeked inside their room. They were already asleep! They were tired out from being ordered around by Boss Baby.
I was thinking about waking them up when I heard a phone ring. It didn’t sound like my Mom or Dad’s cell phone, though. It had kind of a weird, high-pitched sound.
The ring was coming from the end of the hallway. I slowly made my way toward the sound. A light was glowing from inside Boss Baby’s room! Then, the ringing stopped—and I heard a voice.
“I’m making great progress with the parents already,” someone was saying in a deep voice. “Oh, the usual procedure. Sleep deprivation, hunger strikes. They’re very disoriented. I’ve got them eating out of the palm of my hand. It’s hilarious, but I think the kid might be onto me.”
My heart was pounding as I opened the door to Boss Baby’s room and peeked inside.
Somebody was in Boss Baby’s room! At least that’s what I thought. I slowly opened the door and peeked inside. Then I gasped.
Boss Baby was talking into a toy phone!
“No, I can handle him,” Boss Baby was saying into the phone. “I know how important this mission is to the company.
“Mission?” I whispered. What exactly was this weird baby up to?
“Well, trust me, ma’am,” Boss Baby said. “You got the right baby for this job.”
I pushed open the door and hit the light switch.
“Hands up!” I shouted.
Boss Baby turned around.
“Fart! Poop! Doodie!” he said, trying to make me think he was a regular baby. But I knew better now.
“You can talk!” I said, pointing at him.
Boss Baby’s eyes got wide, and I knew he was trying to look innocent. “Uh, goo-goo ga-ga.”
“No. You can really talk. I heard you,” I insisted.
Boss Baby nodded. “Fine. I can talk. Now let’s see if you can listen. Get me a double espresso, and see if there’s someplace around here with decent sushi. What I wouldn’t do for a spicy tuna roll right about now.”
He took some dollar bills from his diaper and tossed them at me.
“Get yourself a little something,” he said.
I still couldn’t believe he could talk. He sounded just like a grown-up. “Who are you?” I asked him.
“Let’s just say . . . I’m the boss,” he replied.
“But you’re a baby. You wear a diaper,” I pointed out.
Boss Baby walked over to the closet. He pushed aside a box of diapers, revealing a safe. He opened the safe and took out a bottle marked SUPER SECRET BABY FORMULA—just like I had seen in my dream.
“You know who else wears diapers?” he asked as he mixed himself a bottle of formula. “Astronauts and race-car drivers, that’s who. It’s called efficiency, Templeton. The average toddler spends what—forty-five hours a year on the potty? I’m the boss. I don’t have that kind of spare time.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Well, you’re not the boss of me.”
“I am the boss of you,” Boss Baby said.
“No, you’re not,” I shot back.
Boss Baby slapped my legs right out from under me, and I landed in a tiny plastic chair.
“Am too!” Boss Baby cried.
“Are not!” I said.
Boss Baby climbed onto his high chair. Then he squirted formula at me, and I dodged it.
“Am too!”
“Are not!”
“Am too!”
“Are not! I was here first!” I said in exasperation. “Just wait till Mom and Dad find out about this.”
Then Boss Baby stuck his stubby little finger right in my face.
“Oh yeah? You think they’d pick you over me? With your track record?” he asked.
“You don’t know anything about me,” I told him.
Boss Baby opened his briefcase and pulled out a folder. “So that’s how you want to play it, huh? Let’s see . . . Templeton, Timothy. Middle name . . . ha! I’m sorry. Your middle name is Leslie! Your grades are mostly C’s.”
I didn’t like where this was going. “How do you know all that?” I asked.
But he didn’t answer. “Says here you can’t ride a bike without training wheels. Even bears can ride bikes without training wheels, Leslie.”
“Um . . .” I didn’t know what to say to that.
“Date of birth says you’re seven,” Boss Baby continued.
“Seven and a half,” I corrected him.
Suddenly Boss Baby’s eyes closed, and he started drooling and snoring. His head fell forward and hit the tray of his high chair. He woke right back up.
“Power nap! You were saying?” he asked.
“I’m seven and a half,” I replied.
Boss Baby nodded. “Exactly. You’re old. It’s time to make way for the next generation. It’s the way of the world. You would never ask your parents for an old toy.”
He held out a stuffed lamb—my stuffed lamb.
“Lam-Lam!” I cried.
“Everyone wants the hot new thing,” Boss Baby said. He picked up a robot toy and pretended to make it fight with Lam-Lam! Then he tossed both toys aside. I caught Lam-Lam and held her close to me.
“Mom and Dad don’t even know you,” I told him. “They love me.”
“Oh yeah?” Boss Baby said. “Do the math, kid. There’s only so much love to go around. It’s like . . . these beads.”
Boss Baby picked up one of his toys and put it in front of me. It was a row of colorful beads that you could slide back and forth on a rod. Boss Baby pushed all the beads to the left side and said, “You used to have all your parents’ love, all their time, all their attention. You had all the beads. But then I came along.”
“Babies take a lot of time,” he added. He slid two beads over the right.
“They need a lot of attention,” he said. He slid three more beads over to the right.
“They get all the love,” he finished, and he slid all the beads over to the right! There were no more beads on my side.
“We could share,” I suggested.
“You obviously didn’t go to business school,” Boss Baby said. “Look, Templeton. The numbers just don’t add up. There’s not enough love for the two of us. Not enough beads to go around. And then, all of a sudden, there’s no place for Tim! Tim doesn’t fit anymore. So keep quiet, stay out of my way, or there’s gonna be cutbacks.”
I didn’t like what Boss Baby was saying.
“You can’t be fired from your own family,” I said, but I wasn’t sure if I believed my own words.
I left Boss Baby’s room and went back to bed. I fell asleep with no stories, no hugs, and no song.
I only had one thought: What if you could be fired from your family?