I unlocked the door to my hotel room, then kicked off my shoes before I staggered inside. I didn't bother to do anything - not turn on the lights, not take off my clothes - nothing. I just tumbled onto the bed and giggled.
I'd had way too much to drink tonight, especially since I'd never been a Tequila kind of girl. My drinks of choice were always fruity things that were decorated with pineapples and paper umbrellas.
But tonight, I'd hung with the big boys as we partied. Everybody was celebrating the opening of the play and the success of our first night. Everybody except for me. I was celebrating, but it was all about Tamara. She was being destroyed and that brought joy to my life.
Rolling over, I stared at the ceiling hoping that if I focused on one spot, the room might stop doing that tumbling thing. Then, I'd be able to think about how I could push Tamara over, since she was already on the edge.
I wish I'd been the one to think of having a photographer follow Tamara and Donovan around. I was absolutely sure that he'd been hired. First, I'd seen him at the hotel lurking around. I just thought he was some perverted white man who got his kicks from checking out black women. But once I saw him in the theatre yesterday, I knew he'd been paid. I just didn't know who'd paid him, though I suspected it was Gwen.
My girl. That was a boss move. Because like everyone said tonight, all shows would be sold out now. And it would happen at Tamara's expense.
That made me feel wonderful, even though...I was gonna be sick....
I jumped up and dashed into the bathroom, hugged the toilet bowl, released all of the alcohol that was in me, and then sank onto the bathroom floor.
There was no way that I was ever going to drink like this again. Not even when I finally brought Tamara all the way down.
It took a while, but I finally used the sink to push myself up, flushed the toilet, stumbled back to the bed, but this time, I got under the covers, still dressed. But that was all that I could handle for tonight.
I was paying the price, but it was worth it. I wished I could see Tamara right now. Probably crying in her room. I prayed that she was alone, just like I prayed that she would be when this was all over. I wanted her to be by herself. The same way that she had left my brother.
I closed my eyes, wanting to just fall asleep. But when I closed my eyes, all I could do was remember....
September 14, 2008
"What's wrong, June?" I asked my brother. No one called him June Bug anymore. Now that he was grown up.
My brother sniffed. "Nothin'. Just leave me alone, Twiggy."
I stared at my brother, laying on his bed with the cordless phone in his hand.
He said, "Go on, now. Get on out of my room."
Backing up, I pulled the door with me until I was in the hallway and the door was closed. Still standing there, I wished there was something I could do for my big brother since he was always doing things for me.
"AnnaMae," my mother called. She was the only one who called me by my name. "Come on, dinner's ready."
When I got into the kitchen, I sat down at my normal side of the table. Then, I asked, "You want me to get June?"
My mother glanced at my father and then said, "No, baby. He'll get something to eat later."
My father shook his head. "Don't make no kind of sense. The way that girl is treating my boy."
"Hush, Martin," my mother said, giving me a quick glance.
My father raised his eyebrows at my mother. "Why you want me to hush?" Then, he turned to me. "The girl's old enough to know what's going on. Hell, she knows already."
"Martin!" my mother said in the same tone that she used to scold me.
But that's not what had my eyes so wide. My father had just said a curse word! I'd never heard him curse before. I had only heard people curse like five times in my whole life.
"I'm serious, Sarah," my father kept on. "The girl's old enough to know. Aren't you thirteen now?"
"Fourteen," I said.
"See!" He turned back to my mother. "Maybe she'll learn a lesson or two from what Tam did to June."
My mother sighed as she placed my father's plate in front of him, then brought over my plate with hers. When she sat down at the table, my father held both of our hands and we bowed our heads.
It felt funny not to have June holding my left hand since my father held my right one. But for the last couple of days, my brother hadn't eaten dinner with us. He just stayed in his room. He didn't come out for anything except to go to work. But once he got home, he was back in his bedroom.
"Amen," my father said to end his blessing.
It was really quiet for a few minutes, and I kept my head down, just staring at the mashed potatoes and chicken on my plate. Then all of a sudden, Daddy dropped his fork onto his plate.
"This don't make no kinda sense," his voice boomed. "June, get in here and get something to eat."
"Martin!" Mama put her hand over his like she was trying to calm him down.
"Don't Martin me. I need my son to man up. He don't need to be in there crying over no girl."
"But she wasn't just a girl, Martin. You know that."
"I don't care what she was, I know what she is now - a no good, spoiled rotten son of a mother-,"
"Martin!"
"What?"
I sat in my chair and trembled.
My daddy said, "I'm not having no grown son of mine up in my house crying over some two-bit-"
"Martin!"
"Would you stop calling my name? I know what my mother named me."
"And I'm just sayin' give our son some time. This is hard on him. He worked for all of those years so that she could go to school. He put in all of that time for her."
My father threw his hands up the way he did when he was watching football on Sundays whenever a team made a touchdown. "That's what I'm sayin'! He did everything for her and now, where is she?"
My head was kinda bowed, like I didn't want them to really see me, but I was fascinated in a way, too. My daddy was always happy, always laughing or at least smiling. But ever since Tam had moved to California, everybody was upset.
Daddy sat back down at the table and sighed. Mama put her hand over his again.
"This is our son's first heartbreak," Mama said to Daddy. "We have to let him go through it. We have to help him, but let him go through it."
My father shook his head. "No man needs to be cryin' over no woman."
There was a smirk on Mama's face when she said, "How you gonna say that when you cried over me?"
"What you talkin' 'bout? I ain't cried ova you. I ain't neva cried ova no woman." Then, as if he just remembered that I was there, Daddy turned to me and said, "Don't listen to your mama. I ain't cried. And your brother don't need to be cryin'. And what's more," he lifted his fork and pointed it at me, "you don't need to be making no man cry."
"Yes, Daddy."
"I mean it."
"She ain't gonna make nobody cry." My mother smiled when she looked at me. "Are you, baby?"
"No, ma'am."
When my father chuckled, I thought everything was all right again, but then, he sighed. "I just can't believe she won't call that boy."
"I know," Mama said.
"She done gone out there and now she's too good for us."
"I know," Mama said again.
"I should've known she was never gonna come back here. After her mama died, I knew she was gonna go out there and get too big."
"I figured she wouldn't come back, at least not to live anyway." Mama sounded so sad. "But I never thought she'd leave June behind." She sighed. "I figured we'd lose June to that big city life in Los Angeles."
I hated the way Mama and Daddy sounded. I hated the way June was so sad all the time. I wanted everyone to be happy again. That's why I said, "Maybe she didn't call June 'cause they don't have telephones in California. Maybe she's been looking for a phone to call him."
There was nothing but quiet when my mama and daddy looked at me. Of course, I knew that wasn't true, but I was just trying to think of something to say to give them hope.
Daddy just shook his head and Mama broke off the tip of her chicken wing and started chewing.
And I went back to looking down at my plate and hating Tam. I had always loved her so, so much. She was my big sister and did everything with me. She was the first person to take me to get my fingernails and toenails polished, and Mama even let me go to the hairdresser for the first time with Tam. Everything was wonderful when she was around.
But nothing was good now, and it was all her fault. Her fault that my mother was sad and my daddy was cursing. And it was definitely her fault that my brother was crying.
I blinked, but didn't bother to wipe the tears from my eyes 'cause sometimes I felt like I had to cry for June. Tamara had kicked June to the curb like he was a rusted old can of Coke. He stayed sad and that sadness led to a dark depression. Once he got to that deep hole, there was nothing he could do, nothing anybody could do. He got stuck there and couldn't come back.
That's why Tamara had to pay. Because she had driven my brother to that place. My brother, my mother, and my father. And now, I was the only one left.
My head still hurt, but I pushed myself up, then rolled to the edge of the bed. I didn't drink coffee, but I was going to drink a couple of cups tonight. I needed a clear head, not for the play, I'd be fine by stage call. But this I needed so that I could get back to my plans. Tamara was weak now and it was time to break her down. Completely.