Nineteen

Jude

Outside Mary Blake’s Residence

Thursday, April 5

6:00 p.m.

Christ, what am I doing? I should let go of Lauren. I feel too much, and there’s no way she’s feeling the same toward me. But her body feels so good pressed against mine, and she’s not pulling away. She smells so good, feels so good. Damn it, I’ve got to get myself under control. This was never part of the plan.

I force myself to pull away while keeping my face calm. A small crease forms in her forehead. I look away. Don’t let what you’re feeling show on your face, Williams. Don’t you dare. Play it cool or she’ll bolt. Coaching myself only sort of works. I think I’ve got my mask mostly in order, but if she looks close, she’ll see the sheen of nervous sweat over my forehead in spite of the fact that it’s getting chilly out here. Not to mention my heart, which is thumping like a roadrunner sprinting to get free. Christ, I gotta clear my head.

Out of habit, I pull a smoke from the pocket of my leather jacket and go to light up, but before I can pull the warm blast of nicotine into my lungs, Lauren wrinkles her nose. She grabs the cigarette from my lips and grinds it into the dirt before going to hop on the bike. Not a shocker that she doesn’t think smoking is hot. Lauren isn’t the kind of girl to buy into any of this new cool guy shit. No, she sees me as the kid I used to be. She puts the helmet over her head, but I can still feel her eyes on me.

I stand there blinking for a second because it hits me then—that that was the guy she let hug her—the boy she used to know. A second ago all I wanted was distance between us, but now I want to rip off her helmet, grab her, make her look into my eyes, and say, see me. I don’t care what you call me—Nathan, Jude, whatever—just see me, like you always did. See the darkness too and don’t be afraid.

I exhale hard, expelling the last bits of air from my lungs. Because could Lauren look at the real me now and not be disgusted, even scared? She and I have both changed. But the things I’ve done, if she knew…

I scowl and stride the last two feet to the bike, throwing my leg over. I jam my own helmet on my head. Lauren barely has time to lock her arms around my waist before we pull away from the curb, spinning a few pieces of stray gravel into the air behind us.

Lauren’s warmth is so sweet at my back. The road spreads out clear in front of us, and in spite of all of the shit that’s wrong, I don’t want this moment to end. I want to drop my hand from the handlebar and grip Lauren’s thigh possessively. I want to wrap her so tight around me and never let her go.

On impulse, I take a left-hand turn instead of going straight back to Pine Grove. I’ve come out this way before. Whenever I need to get away from the crap in town, I pick a direction and start riding. I take whatever nowhere roads I can find just to get lost for a little while. Being around trees and nature instead of human beings is a necessity sometimes. Makes me feel less homicidal.

The sun is getting low in the sky now, already turning pink. Lauren has her head laid against my shoulder. I don’t think she’s noticed my detour. At least, she hasn’t asked where I’m going, not that I’d really hear her between the helmets and the roar of the bike.

I drive a little farther and then pull a left onto a dirt road that cuts through a thickly forested area. Branches hang low over both sides of the one-lane road. We hit a deep rut and Lauren lifts her head. A second later she’s tapping me on the shoulder. I wave my hand at her to signal that everything’s fine and I know what I’m doing. I speed up a little so she can’t get any ideas of trying to jump off the bike, and like I intended, she wraps both arms around me again. Gotta stay on this train until it stops.

I hope she’s not too freaked out. That isn’t my intention. Only another minute to go. Finally, I bring the bike to a stop on a secluded stretch of road by a tall pine tree that I always use as a landmark. The tree is still just a baby, nothing like its huge, old-growth ancestors. But one day, maybe. I like to think about that, how it will grow so tall, like they did back before people came and cut them all down. This is the place I want to share with Lauren.

I plant my feet on the ground while we both take off our helmets.

“What are you doing? Where are we?” She sounds a little upset and I’m sorry about that.

I pop the kickstand and turn my head. “Sorry, Ren. Couldn’t talk while we were on the bike. I wanted to show you something special. Remember how we always used to do that? If we found a special place, we’d save it up to show it to the other person?” I’m talking fast but I just want to explain it to her so she’s not afraid of me. Christ that’s the last thing I want.

“I found this place last summer right when I got back. Since we were nearby, I wanted you to see it. It’s been a rough few days. I figured you needed a little break. A little bit of something beautiful to take your mind off things.” She still looks uncertain. Crap, maybe I’ve done the wrong thing bringing her here. “But look, we can head back to town if you’d rather.”

The hard look on her face softens. She hesitates for another moment, then gets off the bike. A small smile tips the edges of her mouth and she takes my gloved hand in hers, urging me off the bike too. “A little bit of something beautiful, huh?”

I grin. I’m suddenly as excited as when I was a kid and she agreed to go on adventures with me. Even if our “adventures” back then were only playing in the woods with my dog, Coco, or collecting aluminum cans so we could turn them in for change to buy little plastic action figures from the quarter machines.

I get off the bike, not letting go of her hand. I lead her away from the road and into the woods. The brush is thick underfoot, but I glance down and see that Lauren’s wearing winter boots. She follows me with a quizzical smile on her face. She’s got the cutest nose. It’s shaped like a little ski slope and I want to trace my finger down it. Then I want to breathe in her hair. I think that’s what makes her smell so good. Her hair always looks really, really soft too. A rush of feelings washes over me so intensely that it’s all I can do not to start trembling like some goddamn preteen holding a girl’s hand for the first time.

“Jude, is this private property?” She pauses and looks around with a frown. “Are we going to get in trouble?”

I blink, coming out of my mini-daydream about her hair. Right. Private property. “Do you really care?” I waggle my eyebrows at her in that way that always used to make her laugh.

She stops and drops my hand. Her frown deepens. “Considering the whole country thinks I murdered my best friend, it’s probably not the best idea to get brought up on trespassing charges too.”

“Hey.” I touch her cheek with one of my gloved hands. Wish I didn’t have the glove on. I want to feel her skin. “We’re fine here,” I assure her. “This is all state park land. No trespassing, I promise.”

Her cheeks are slightly flushed as I grab her hand again and start forward. This time she comes with no hesitation. I like that. We head farther into the woods even though there isn’t a cleared path. I lead the way, pulling branches aside for her.

“Are you sure you know where you’re going?” she asks as we step over fallen logs and rotted leaves.

“I told you. I’ve been here before. Not even that long ago. It’s a good place when you need somewhere quiet to think.” What I don’t tell her is the content of those thoughts that filled my journals. Vengeful plans against her and Kadence. Was that really only six months ago? I was so angry back then. Nothing at all like what I feel now walking beside my Ren, her hand so small in mine even with gloves on.

It feels so good out here. Clean air, clear mind. Healthy. Whole. I can do this. Put the past behind me. Let go of the monster and become a new man.

“Come on, it’s just a little farther.” I say.

I lead her down a rocky hill and into a ravine that’s beginning to run with water again. The thin trickle is an offshoot of the larger stream we’re heading toward, but it means we’re going the right direction. I can even hear the rush of water up ahead.

“Good thing I wore my boots today,” she says, smiling up at me. Unlike all the smiles she’s given me the past couple days, those fake, forced ones—the kind you put on when you’re afraid or when you feel the need to make other people comfortable—this one feels real. This is my old Ren, smiling at me because out here, I’ve made the rest of the world fall away for her. It makes me feel ten feet tall.

I grin back, afraid if I say anything it will be the wrong thing and I’ll ruin the moment again. I hold back the branch of another pine tree so she can pass. I make an elaborate bow and wave her through saying, “My lady.”

She smiles even wider, and it’s like we’re twelve again, but even better because we’re both older. She’s almost a woman, and I’m almost a man, and when she looks back over her shoulder to make sure I’ve gotten past the tree okay, there’s something more in her gaze than simple childish happiness. It’s a spark, a sizzle, an awareness. I move up close behind her, my chest all but touching her back, and put my hand on her hip. I whisper over her shoulder. “There. Up ahead.”

She steps away from me to climb over a fallen tree. She stops and gasps. I grin again and move to stand beside her. The sun is just dropping below the horizon and the stream is wide enough to cause a break in the trees, letting in the purplish-pink light of the setting sun. It illuminates the five-foot waterfall perfectly, making the water splashing at the bottom light up like flashing diamonds.

“Oh Jude,” she whispers, one hand clutching her chest. With the other she reaches blindly toward mine. I grasp it hard and bring it to my own chest. We stand like that for a long time, watching the sun set on the waterfall. It’s the most peaceful, perfect moment of my entire life.

That is, until Ren turns toward me, leans up on her tiptoes, and brings her lips to mine. I hardly have time to take a breath.

Her lips taste like caramel and the barest hint of green tea. It’s the softest touch, and I’m so shocked, so terrified that she’ll pull away any second that I’m all but frozen. Then I come to my senses and start kissing her back, because damn, she could pull away any moment and I can’t bear to miss an instant of it.

But the gentleness only lasts a few seconds more anyway, because then she pushes me up against a nearby tree and kisses me hard. I don’t know if everything she’s been going through is just bubbling up right now or if it’s really because she likes me, but Christ, I’ve got so much heat in my veins for this girl, I don’t care. I’m sure as hell going to show her that I mean it.

She’s taken the lead so far, but now I’m the one wrestling for control. I rip off my gloves, needing to have more of my skin on hers. I cup her cheeks in my hands. She’s even softer than I suspected. I wanna freaking groan. I pull back for a second so she’s forced to look into my eyes. She’s panting and wild-eyed and looks like she’s about to say something, maybe about how this is a mistake, but I don’t let her. I crush my lips to hers and flip our bodies so that her back is against the tree.

And it’s not just kissing now. It’s a hunger. On both sides. Not just me. I’ve made out with girls before, at my other school, but it’s never been like this. Nothing like this. Her hands are in my hair, tugging frantically. My other hand slides down the back of her thigh, and I sling her leg around my waist as I pin her against the tree. Oh Christ. Ecstasy is pressing against her body, even with all our clothes on. We continue to kiss in an animal frenzy until she’s frantic and tugging at my jacket and my shirt. I’ve kissed down her neck and to the top of her cleavage before I realize what we’re doing and some semblance of sanity sinks in again.

“Wait,” I huff out, blinking and trying to get air and a sane thought back in my head. “Ren, wait. We can’t. Not here.” Even though a big part of me is screaming: Shut the hell up! Of course you can! Right here. Naked on the ground. Naked, naked, naked.

She blinks up at me, looking equally dazed. She looks around us. It’s getting dark now. I have no idea how long we’ve been making out, but I guess the sun’s gone down. She suddenly covers her face in embarrassment. “Oh!”

I laugh and hug her before she can go into full freak-out mode. “Ren, stop it. It’s fine.” I tug her hands from her face.

She peeks up at me, her face completely red. “But we just made out like crazy…on government property.”

“It’s fine, Ren,” I hug her even harder, laughing a little. “Everything’s been crazy.” I take a step back, though it half kills me. I only manage it because it’s the right thing. For her. She still looks embarrassed. I attempt to force my mind off the obsessive repeat that I should be trying to get at least some part of her naked right now.

“Besides, it’s not like you can resist this.” I open my arms wide. “I mean, not to quote JT and all, but”—I shrug nonchalantly—“I do bring sexy back.”

I finally get the response I want and she starts to giggle uncontrol­lably. “You…did not,” she gasps between laughter, “just…say that!”

I dust off my bomber jacket and lean back against a tree with my arms folded in an exaggerated sexy model pose. “What?” I give her a chin nod. “S’up?”

This sends her into a whole new bout of laughter.

I push away from the tree and grab her around the waist, planting one more kiss on her lips, but only a quick one this time. I finally tamp down the voice in my head, though it makes one last attempt: Okay, so maybe not naked, but what about pushing her back against the tree? Her body, your body, cement them together, then add friction—I’m biting back a groan, remembering all too well how good she felt just moments ago with those sweet legs wrapped around me. Yeah. Not sure how well I’ll be sleeping tonight.

“Come on, time to get back,” I manage to say, and here’s hoping she doesn’t notice my voice is a little lower than normal. There’s just enough light left and I’ve come here enough times that I know the way back to the bike.

The smile fades from her lips and she hugs me back, hard. “Do we have to?” she asks, her voice getting all croaky and raspy at the end. I wince, all dirty thoughts doused. I’ve kept her out too long.

“Yeah.” The levity is gone from my voice now too. “But I’m with you now. You’re not alone anymore.”

She nods into my chest and doesn’t say anything. I hug her tighter in a way I hope she’ll take as reassurance. But it’s for me too. She’s in my arms. This really happened. We didn’t say the words, but I think after tonight, she’s mine now. Lauren DeSanto is finally mine. Everything I ever wanted, even when I thought I hated her, is finally here within my grasp.

Now if only I can get away with never mentioning the one thing that could fuck all this up: the truth.

The ride back to Lauren’s house passes too quickly. Now that it’s dark, it’s cold as a witch’s teat out here, probably in the upper forties. The wind cuts through my coat and jacket even though I keep my speed relatively low. I can feel Lauren shivering behind me even with her heavy down coat on. I barely notice the chill. I’m still flying high with the pressure of her arms around me and the memory of her lips on mine. I’m so caught up in her and paying attention to the road that I don’t notice the two cop cars parked outside her house until the bike rolls to a stop at the curb.

Lauren immediately jumps off and yanks the helmet from her head, shoving it against my chest. At first I don’t understand why she’s moving so fast, but then I see her mom running down the front walk. She sweeps Lauren into her arms with an “Oh, thank God!” She squeezes Lauren hard, then glares over her shoulder at me with a look of fear. “You stay away from my daughter!”

“Nathan Jude Williams, down on the ground, hands over your head.”

“What the hell?” It’s one of those sensory overload moments. I’m being shouted at from all sides. When I look around, I see I’m flanked by four cops with their guns trained on me. Guns? I feel like I’ve stepped into some crazy twilight zone version of my life.

“Down on the ground, hands over your head!” One of the cops is shouting at me louder now. These guys are serious. This is no joke.

So I do what they say. I drop to my knees, then lie down on the lawn and put my hands behind my head. The next second someone seizes my wrists. I feel the cold bite of metal handcuffs cutting into my skin. Then I’m wrenched to my feet and a too-bright light is flashed in my eyes.

“You are under arrest for the abduction of Kadence Mulligan. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you…”

The officer goes on with the familiar script, the same one you always hear on TV. I look over my shoulder as they drag me toward one of the squad cars. Lauren. Where’s Lauren? I can’t see her. Is she watching this? What is she thinking? Oh, Christ, no. Not now, after our perfect night together. A deputy shoves me by the shoulders down into the backseat, and before I can think of a single thing to shout out to Lauren, the door to the cop car is slammed shut.