Forty

Mason

Sheriff’s Office—Parking Lot

Tuesday, April 10

4:45 p.m.

Mom’s car is parked not too far from Jude’s bike, at the edge of the parking lot. She and Dad are sitting in a grassy patch under a shade tree with Annabel and Meredith, waiting for me to be done. As I get closer, Mom smiles that same sad smile she’s been giving me for a week. “All done, honey?”

“All done,” I say, shoving my hands deep in my pockets. I can’t look at them.

“Are you hungry?” Dad asks.

I shake my head.

“That’s fine,” Mom says. “That’s fine.”

I nod and walk to the car, slipping in the backseat. Annabel gets in from the other side and slides to the middle of the seat. Meredith sits on her other side. The girls both reach for me and wrap their arms around my chest. Then they let go and dutifully buckle up their seat belts. I lean my head against the window.

“Let’s get you guys home,” Mom says from the front seat. She glances over her shoulder at me, and just like that, the ghostly memory of Kadence’s voice is whispering in my ear and I’m back in the warehouse three days ago. The night that will forever be on loop in my head.

“That’s it?” Kadence asked after the heavy warehouse door clanked shut behind Jude and Lauren. Then she laughed incredulously. “After all I just said, I’m forgiven, and you want to give me a ride home?”

“Of course,” I said. “You have no idea what it’s been like thinking you were gone forever. It’s been a nightmare.”

“You really are something else,” she said with a shake of her head. It didn’t sound like a compliment. I tried to ignore it.

“So, you’ll let me take you home?” I raised my hand toward her face. It was such a habit of mine to touch her hair. My hand hung in the air.

“Sure, what the hell,” she said with a shrug. It was like I’d suggested watching a movie we’d both already seen. “But I need to pack my stuff.” She glanced around the room. It was strewn with a mix of her bright concert clothes and the old flannel and denim that were just another kind of costume, weren’t they? The two bags beside her camping chair were stuffed with more of each, along with blankets and a fluffy sleeping bag.

How long had she been planning to stay here? I couldn’t believe she’d already lived like this for over a week. How could she have left me to worry for so long? If she needed to get away, why hadn’t she told me? I was the one she could always be honest with. I was the one person who knew her.

But I guess I had that all wrong. I’d never really known her at all.

“Fine,” I said. I picked up one of the garbage bags and it split down the middle, spilling out the sleeping bag and blankets. “Wait here. I’ve got my hockey bag in the back of my truck. We can load it up and get out of here.” And I meant right away because I wanted nothing more than to get out of that dusty rodent motel.

She made a noise that could have been taken as either agreement or disagreement, busy holding up one of the show outfits to her frame, a dress that looked like it came from the twenties, and looking down at herself with a furrow between her eyebrows as she modeled it.

I turned away, again only focused on getting out of there. If I could erase all of the things that Kadence had said, all that she had confessed to Lauren and to Jude and to me, I would have. I would have washed away all those horrible, disgusting words that poisoned that sweet mouth of hers.

She’d never loved me. It had all been an act. I was just another player on her stage. Naive boyfriend, star hockey player. All our moments together were only scenes to her. With me she got to play the fresh-faced innocent. And I’d let her. She’d given me hope for something better, something that never ever existed.

I’m not really sure when the idea came to me.

It was somewhere between stepping out of the warehouse and arriving at my truck. I wanted to make things right. I wanted life to go back to the way it was before, when life was simple. Life B.K.

I wondered what my little sisters were doing. We didn’t get our tea party in this morning. Actually we hadn’t had one in a while. Maybe I could make it up to them tomorrow. Go back to the way things were.

I flipped down the tailgate and retrieved my hockey bag, emptying out my skates, pads, and jersey. I slung the empty bag over my shoulder, slammed the tailgate shut, then went to the passenger side. My buddy Chad had left a brown paper sack on the floor.

When I opened the door, I was gratified to see that it was still there. I unrolled the top and peered inside inhaling the distinct aroma. I took a deep breath and drove my hand into the bag, bringing out a fistful of peanuts.

I cracked open the first shell and tossed the nut into my mouth, opening the next and the next and the next. They were fat and salty. Substantial between my teeth.

I chewed them slowly and with purpose. I ate a few more. Then I went back to the warehouse.

“You took your time,” Kadence said. She’d fixed her makeup. She almost looked like herself again. “I was starting to miss you.”

“You have no idea,” I said. “The last eight days have been hell.”

She pouted her lips. “Aw, sweetie. I promise. I’ll never put you through that again.”

“I know you won’t,” I said with a smile, dropping my hockey bag on the floor and hiding her purse. “Congratulations on all the views on your videos, baby. Your numbers are huge. Your music is going to get someone’s attention now for sure. Come here. Life is short, my darling.”

She grinned, appreciating my use of her catchphrase. She took three long strides toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She tipped her head back, and her lips parted as I slipped my hand behind her neck.

And that’s when I kissed her like I would never kiss her again.