Illustrated by Mitch Vane

Sir Donald BADMAN is one of Australia's baddest men. As a boy he didn't eat vegetables, he licked his plate, he ran across the road without looking, he played with matches in his bed, he put his finger into electrical sockets and he threw carrots at his grandmother … he played on the roof and licked knives and got drunk and stole an ice-cream van and with the music blaring he drove it at high speeds and didn't even stop to sell ice-creams … he never had showers, threw soap into the rubbish bin, never brushed his teeth, never wiped his bottom, never flushed the toilet, argued with policemen, talked with his mouth full, shaved his dog and painted it pink, broke windows, swung on clotheslines, broke the heads off his sister's dolls, made prank phone calls, stole a skywriting plane and wrote rude words across the sky, laughed during funerals, painted the television screen black, flew kites in lightning storms, swung back and forwards on his chair at the dinner table, flicked peas at his mother, didn't know the words to the national anthem and instead of singing ‘Australians all let us rejoice, because we are young and free,’ sang, ‘Australians all let us relieve ourselves, because we are full of wee … our bladders full, our legs are crossed, we badly need to pee …’ he never said his pleases or thank yous and always pushed to the front of any queue, ran around with scissors, always cut towards himself with big knives and didn't listen to the safety instructions on airplanes. He was a bad boy and he grew up to be a very bad man – the baddest man Australia has ever known.