Smarty

Doug MacLeod
Illustrated by Louise Prout

I'd lost my bag, my favourite bag,
The one that wouldn't close
With all my cards and comic books
(I hated losing those).

And so I went to Lost and Found –
The teacher there was new.
He had a friendly face from which
Enormous whiskers grew.

‘You've lost some property?’ he said.
‘Come rummage through my drawers,
But cross your heart you'll only take
The items that are yours.’

The place was full of odds and ends
Too numerous to mention
But something in the bottom drawer
Attracted my attention.

A tiny book of brightest green
With purple on the spine.
I stuffed it in my pocket
Though I knew it wasn't mine.

‘You're certain that belongs to you?’
The bearded teacher said.
‘Of course it does,’ I lied to him,
And guiltily I fled.

The book was but a memory
That evening after sport
When Dad and Mum read out to me
My awful school report.

‘He's very bad at English
And he's even worse at art
He slipped up in the science lab
And blew the place apart.

‘He doesn't know where China is
Or Scotland or Brazil
He can't recall a single fact,
We doubt he ever will.

‘We've tried to teach him everything
And now, we tell you true –
Your darling boy's an idiot,
There's nothing we can do.’

My parents weren't at all impressed,
They eyed me with disdain.
‘Go straight up to your bedroom, son
And try to grow a brain.’

Well, I was lying on my bed,
My spirits extra low,
When, deep inside my denim jeans
That book began to glow.

I held it out before me
It was luminescent green,
With pages full of diagrams
Where writing once had been.

And then I swear I heard a voice
Mysterious and small,
‘I'll grant you any wish,’ it said,
‘Most any wish at all.’

Though startled by the talking book
I answered, ‘Since you ask
There's something you could do for me,
A rather special task.

‘If I believed in magic
(And I don't, for what it's worth)
I'd wish to be the smartest kid
That ever walked the Earth.’

‘The deed is done,’ the book replied.
‘Now get yourself some rest.’
(I figured I was dreaming –
It's the thing I do the best.)

At six o'clock next morning
I awoke to hear my dad
Performing in the shower
In that booming voice he had.

And there he stood – not naked
As the water pummelled down –
For he was in his business suit
And shoes of chocolate brown.

It didn't seem to bother him,
His face was free of troubles.
He sang like Elvis Presley
As his briefcase filled with bubbles.

My mother in the living room
Had other things to do.
She sat there sticking pickles
To her petticoat with glue.

I asked them what was going on.
They simply ‘ummed’ and ‘erred’.
I tuned my pocket radio
And this is what I heard:

‘We now present the headlines
For the forty-tenth of May.
A hundred million citizens
Forgot their names today.

‘New Zealanders have gone on strike
Demanding lower wages.
The keepers of the Melbourne zoo
Have opened all the cages.

‘The whole Australian cricket team
Is hiding in a tree
The House of Representatives
Has jumped into the sea.

‘And that concludes our bulletin
The weather should be fine
And if you find some marbles
I'm prepared to bet they're mine.’

I realised, as my mother filled
Her shoes with lemonade,
The book had made it all come true –
That stupid wish I'd made.

The evidence was everywhere.
It seemed that I'd become
The smartest kid in all the world,
For all the world was dumb.

At school, the students everywhere
Were brainless and subdued,
Our teacher turned up late for class
Completely in the nude.

She cartwheeled all around the room
As naked as could be,
‘Now make a note of this,’ she said,
‘That one plus one is three.

‘A triangle has seven sides
An octopus has four
A wombat is a type of fish
That sells from door to door.

‘And cheese is made from parrot beaks
And bread is made from dirt
And if you need to blow your nose
Then do so on your shirt.’

The students smiled moronically
And wrote down every word.
I told them to snap out of it,
But sadly, no one heard.

With book in hand I hurried off
To find the bearded man,
I thought, ‘If he can't help me then
There's nobody who can.’

And there he sat in Lost and Found –
As far as I could tell
Completely unaffected
By the dreaded stupid spell.

He looked at me. ‘What's wrong my child?’
I said, ‘I'm worried sick.
I took this book, and now I've made
The world completely thick.

‘This book does not belong to me.’
The man said, ‘Yes, I know.
It's mine, you thieving little brat,
I bought it years ago.

‘But since you're such a simple boy
I must forgive your crime.
The book will give you one more wish
But get it right this time.’

Those words so kind and gentle
Were the final ones he spoke.
He vanished right before me
In a puff of purple smoke.

And what would be my final wish?
I took the book and swore
With all my heart I wanted things
The way they'd been before.

The spell was spun, the book was gone,
The world was smart as ever.
The leaders and the teachers
And the parents all were clever.

While I went back to being me,
Not wonderful or wise.
The sort of kid that isn't smart
No matter how he tries.

And when my teacher scolded,
‘You're an idiot, my son.’
Her insults didn't bother me
The way they once had done.

I simply shrugged my shoulders
And ignored her comments crude
And thought of how I'd seen her
Doing cartwheels in the nude.