My American Underpants

Janet Findlay
Illustrated by Louise Prout

My American Underpants
Were made in San Diego
They have a naval base there
And I guess some people
Like to keep their navels and their bases
Covered.

My American Underpants
Are louder than
My Aussie daks
Or my British boxers
Or even my Russian baggies.
And somehow, when I opened my luggage in

Brisbane …

They'd made it to the top of the pile!
(Maybe it was something to do with … customs.)

My American Underpants
Are confident
They're sassy
They're even bossy.
And they don't like to get tossed around.
I've noticed they get very agitated
In the washing machine and
The first time I hung them out on the line
They looked too bright in the Queensland sun.
I heard them complaining to the next-door knickers
That they are far too ‘high tech’ to hang
On a Hills hoist. For they can simply

Of course, My American Underpants are talkative
And charming. They can talk the pants off
Well – me for one.
And they've even taken over my drawers!
(My other undies …
… hardly get a look in these days.
They're getting a bit slack too now.
Sometimes they've been known to fall off the job.
And all because they've been DAZZLED
By my snappy American Underpants
Who run a tight ship down-under – Yes Sir!)
One time though
They thought they were being bugged
When I had ants in my pants.
They can be a bit touchy you see
And too big for their boots.
Sometimes they think the SUN
Shines out of their red, white and blue
Bottoms.

I don't like My American Underpants then.

Sometimes they plot
To cover ALL BASES and possibly
ALL NAVELS all over the world!

They ride high at these times.
That makes me uncomfortable.

Can I really relax with them?
Odds are, they'll desert me one day
And leave me without a leg to stand in.
There'll be friction. There'll be stress.
They'll get frayed at the edges,
Leave me without a shred of … human decency!
But I mustn't get too worked up. (They don't.)
Life's too brief to get down
About upwardly mobile, upstart American shorts …

And their BIG, BOLD, BRIGHT designs …

But just to be sure
Yesterday I shrunk My American Underpants
They got what was coming to them
They ended up in hot water
And it cut them down to size.

Of course, they protested.
Something about the TWENTIETH amendment
To their constitution … the right to be SUPER-SIZED!

So … ‘It was fun while it lasted!’ I said
To My American Underpants
And I put them firmly in their place.

Back in the bottom drawer.
After all, they may be talkative
Charming and empowered
But when you get down to the nitty gritty
They are just a pair of undies.

And because I'm in charge now
Because I've crawled out from underneath,
I'll let them have the last word.

WHAT A BUMMER!