DANIEL spent the afternoon working on the console for the lodge in Columbia Falls. He expected to complete it in two weeks, ready for delivery by the local freight company. Earlier, Aiden texted him that Conrad underwent his first radiation treatment. Daniel imagined what it must have been like for them both.
Focusing on his console, he used the only plastic parts he allowed for his work. The lodge intended the console for storing plates and silverware, and Daniel had to construct the drawers with added reinforcement. That meant he needed artificial inlays in the drawer cavities. Although he hated what he called “falsh shticks,” plywood would have proved too weak. He cut the rectangles using a special blade and ensured they fit before adhering them with carpenter’s glue.
Next, he set the drawers aside to dry and calculated in his head the dimensions needed for the four legs. With a handsaw he cut the first plank, lined it up to the next, and repeated the steps two more times. He set them on the back table to cure and with nothing to do until the wood set he figured it was time to head home.
He closed the shop shortly after Phedra left and hesitantly climbed into his Suburban. Conrad would be at his home. And he’d be there for many evenings to come. Daniel barely noticed the tree branches hanging over the canyon-like road as he wound toward the house.
Ranger greeted him with his tail wagging and tongue lapping when he stepped inside. Smells from the kitchen warmed his heart. Yet, there sitting in his favorite easy chair and holding a beverage, was Conrad, smiling at him.
“Hi there.”
He didn’t look any frailer than when he’d last seen him. Nonetheless Daniel refrained from asking about his treatment, which he suspected was painful. “Hello,” he said. “How are you?”
“Not bad considering everything. How’s things at the shop?”
“Goot.” Why he had reverted to the Pennsylvania German for “good” to a man who wouldn’t know German from Latin, Daniel didn’t know. He patted Ranger’s head and tossed a toy for him. Ranger raced down the hallway after it. Aiden came from the kitchen and kissed Daniel’s cheek.
Daniel flinched, embarrassed to show affection in front of Conrad. He tried to smile off his discomfort. “You have a good day?”
“I went to Glacier Park for my interview while Conrad was at the clinic.”
“And how did that go?” Daniel pulled off his boots and lined them by the door.
“Went better than expected. I learned a lot. There’s a senator from Helena who might be useful. I’m going to call and see if I can interview her. I’ll need more facts and quotes before I have anything publishable.”
“Sounds like another good article.”
Daniel headed for the bedroom. He undressed and, almost trancelike, stepped into the shower. He stayed under the hot rush of water longer than usual. He was used to quick showers powered by wind energy. Lathering himself with coconut-scented soap, he wished he had invited Nick for supper again. Was it too late? Would Aiden think he was purposefully creating another buffer between them and Conrad? Besides, Nick Pfeifer had his own life to live, Daniel speculated, although since Nick lived alone, he had no idea what kind of life that might be.
He stepped out of the shower, defogged the mirror with his fist, and scraped a blade over the five o’clock shadow budding above his upper lip, cringing at his reflection. He never did like ostentatious vanity. Yet as more of the fog cleared, he examined himself with attention. At twenty-nine, he appeared youthful despite the age lines forming around his eyes from working the oat field under the hot sun since he was a boy. While toweling off and dressing, he admitted with a flush that he had a strong, rugged look.
He dreaded heading out into the great room, where supper awaited along with their guest. He supposed Conrad wasn’t too bad. He was a sick man and needed assistance. Or at least tender care. Everyone deserved that, didn’t they? Aiden sure did seem to already lavish him with attention.
When he reentered the great room, dressed and refreshed from his shower, Aiden smiled at him from the kitchen. He was stirring a pot of something that smelled like venison stew. Aiden must have decided to defrost the elk meat that Nick had given them last autumn after his hunting trip to the Cabinet Mountains.
“Thought you fell through a black hole,” Aiden said.
“What is that?” Daniel asked.
Aiden snickered. “It’s something in outer space.”
Conrad and Aiden laughed, and Daniel felt like a fool. He rarely got the strange references Aiden made about the modern world. He grew up with no television and had not experienced the world like Aiden and Conrad. But he figured in some strange way he encountered more.
His nose was correct, and despite his upset, he enjoyed the venison stew. While they ate, Aiden detailed his trip into Glacier Park, emphasizing the scenery and snow amounts more than what he had learned about strip mining. They finished supper and Aiden worked on his article at the computer console and Daniel sorted their taxes at the dining table. Conrad read Daniel’s favorite book in his favorite easy chair.
The quiet somberness suffocated Daniel. He never did well with company. Not even when Aiden stayed with his family back in Henry before he understood his true longings for him.
Of course his feelings for Conrad had nothing to do with masked love and desire.
Insisting he needed rest, Daniel excused himself before the little hand on the mantel clock reached nine. He was in bed, sitting up against the headboard reading a carpentry magazine, when Aiden stepped into the bedroom about an hour later and shut the door. He brushed his teeth and slid under the covers.
“Did you remember to write Elisabeth back?”
“Yes and I had Phedra mail the letter during lunch.” Aiden gave his typical nod and Daniel added, now that they were alone, “Has he given you any money for room and board?”
“I haven’t asked. I’d feel awkward.”
“Has he offered to pay gas for running him to and from the Valley?”
“Daniel, it’s for his cancer treatments.”
Daniel sighed. “And how did things go today with our guest at the clinic?”
“Brace yourself.” Aiden reached into the drawer beside him and splayed a handful of pamphlets across the covers. “I read through most of them. You should too.”
Daniel let his magazine fall facedown onto his chest and he reached for one of the glossy pamphlets. He turned it over in his hands, glanced over the writing and the corny photographs, and unfolded it.
“It’s about caring for cancer patients and precautions to take,” Aiden said.
“Precautions?”
“The medication Conrad is taking is toxic to people who don’t have cancer.” Aiden nodded toward the pamphlet in Daniel’s shaky hands. “Read on. We’ll need to buy some of what they call nitrile gloves for when we clean his bathroom or have to help him when he’s sick.”
Daniel gazed at the ceiling. “I’m familiar with those gloves. We sometimes used them when we were helping little Leah during the worst of her illness.” Was he prepared to go through that again? With someone he didn’t know? Or really care for? And without the aid of an entire community that often rallied to support one of their own? Tending to Conrad might be a task too big, even for someone used to death.
“At least he doesn’t have AIDS,” Daniel mumbled, peering at the pack of pamphlets.
Luckily, Aiden ignored his insensitive comment. Daniel reached for another brochure and breezed through it. This one was specific to non-Hodgkin lymphoma. The most alarming information was that the cancer drug Aiden said Conrad was taking could compromise a healthy person’s immune system.
“They make the treatments sound more dangerous to those who are around the patient than the cancer is to the patient himself,” he said to Aiden.
“You know how people are. Always trumpeting doom and gloom. I think they make it sound worse than it really is. We just have to be cautious, but not freak out if we get too close to his, well, bodily fluids.” Daniel tensed, and Aiden continued. “I’ll buy supplies tomorrow. I looked up nitrile gloves on the Internet and they are easily available at drugstores. Apparently there is an entire caregiver community out there. A multibillion-dollar-a-year industry.”
Daniel thought again about suppressed immune systems and radiation treatments. “When should we expect him to suffer more from the side effects?”
“From what I read in the brochures it takes a few treatments before anything kicks in,” he said. “Differs from person to person. Apparently the chemo meds aren’t as bad as the radiation.”
“Are you prepared for this?”
“I think it’ll be okay. We can handle it. He needs us, Daniel.”
Aiden hunkered down closer to him, spilling some of the slick pamphlets onto the floor, and drew off the covers. Daniel tried to conceal his partial arousal visible through his pajama bottoms.
“Aiden, he’ll hear.”
“I’ve thought about you all day long, wanting you.”
Daniel gripped the bedcovers. “I feel like a dummkop.”
“Why would you feel stupid? Conrad doesn’t expect us to be celibate during his stay.” In German, Aiden teased him in his typical manner, “Ich will Sei.”
More worried now, Daniel whispered, “Did you speak of this with Conrad?”
“Of course not, Daniel. Why would I do that? Relax, okay. I won’t take no for an answer.”
He brushed aside Daniel’s carpentry magazine and the lingering pamphlets, turned down the covers, and climbed on top. Already naked, he wrapped his arms around Daniel, and Daniel, giving in to his affections, embraced him tighter again his chest.
They made love, and the kisses and caresses dispelled Daniel’s worries that they were ill prepared to cope with Conrad’s cancer. The brochures Aiden sprung on him frightened Daniel more than enlightened him. But in the midst of lovemaking, life reared up pleasing and powerful.
After they finished, Aiden rolled over to his side of the bed and his breathing slowed. Daniel reached for a few of the pamphlets on the floor and read them in the moonlight that cut through the Venetian blinds. The pamphlets quickly took him from the physical pleasure of Aiden’s body and back to the ugliness of death and disease.
CONRAD failed to show for breakfast the next morning. Worried his first radiation treatment might have made him sick, Aiden left Daniel at the table and checked on him. Conrad lay in bed, gazing at his laptop.
“Are you okay?” Aiden looked about the room. Conrad’s belongings were scattered everywhere. Luggage sat partially unpacked. He noticed a drawer half open and overflowing with socks and underwear. Already the room smelled different. Like Conrad.
“One of those mornings,” Conrad said with a tremulous smile. He set his laptop aside and clutched his stomach. “I guess I’m a bit nauseated.”
“You want anything?” Aiden said. “Coffee, tea? Your favorite strawberry Pop-Tarts?”
“I’m good right now, thanks. Go ahead and act as if I’m not here.” He winced. “Remember, I don’t want to be a nuisance.”
From what the brochures explained, side effects shouldn’t show for a few days. But Conrad had been on Leukeran for at least a month.
“Don’t be silly,” Aiden said, eyeing Conrad. “That’s why you’re here, for days like this. You sure you don’t want anything?”
“No, please, I’ll be okay. Come back later, okay? In about an hour, I should be better.”
“Try to get some rest. Let me know if you need anything.”
Aiden returned to the breakfast table, which seemed achingly lonely even with Daniel seated next to him. Aiden recounted Conrad’s condition to him. The uncertainty in Daniel’s dark eyes made Aiden nervous.
Daniel wiped his mouth and stood. “I best get to the shop.”
Aiden and Ranger saw Daniel to the door and they kissed him good-bye. Once again, Daniel left earlier than usual, and Aiden wondered if he wanted to escape the helplessness and despair of Conrad’s illness. He said something about larger orders, but Daniel had larger orders for most of the year.
Ranger whined at the kitchen door. Aiden let him outside to do his business. With Ranger running in the backyard, Aiden cleaned the breakfast dishes. Then he remembered Conrad requested he look in on him. He prepared a tea service, along with an untoasted strawberry Pop-Tart. As he carried the tray to him, Conrad called out in a weak voice. Aiden hustled along, trying not to spill the tea. Conrad was sitting up and smiling.
“I was on my way in.” Aiden set the tea service on the night table and poured him a cup.
Conrad sipped the tea. “This is good. Thanks.”
Looking at him, Aiden wanted to stroke his perspiring forehead. He was happy to remind himself that he must avoid his bodily fluids. But surely cancer patients needed physical soothing more than anyone.
Being with Conrad at that moment reminded him of when Daniel’s oldest sister Elisabeth nursed Aiden in bed after his sudden bout with the flu, during the time he and Daniel made their last trip to Illinois for Mark’s Christmas wedding. She gave him tea also—the same kind, in fact. Chamomile with ginger. And with a damp cloth soothed his warm forehead and cheeks. It was during their talk that Aiden realized she must have known about her eldest brother’s sexuality and that he and Aiden were more than friends.
She was the only one of Daniel’s family members who kept in touch with Daniel, but she never admitted she understood about their relationship. Even to the more modernized Amish, discussing sex did not come easy, unless they were talking about their farm animals. Daniel would not have liked an open discussion of his personal life regardless.
Aiden sat on the bed next to Conrad and tried to mimic Elisabeth’s salubrious gestures from that time. He wanted Conrad to feel secure and not embarrassed for his being ill. Conrad grinned, sat up higher.
“You’ve already been amazing to me,” he said.
Aiden’s cheeks warmed. “I haven’t really done anything. You just got here. Now eat your Pop-Tart.”
Conrad took two small bites, his grin unabated. “The fact that you let me stay here is enough. I’m indebted to you.” He chewed and swallowed. “I only hope this’ll be the worst of it.”
“I’ve cared for you when you got sick before.”
Conrad laughed, and covered his mouth with his fist to prevent food from falling out. “This isn’t like those crazy college days after a night of binge drinking.”
Aiden’s face tightened as he tried to keep from laughing. He reflected over their short relationship together. His time with Conrad had been some of the most fun-filled he’d experienced, before turning into the worst.
“Do you remember how we used to spend mornings like this when we didn’t have classes?” Conrad said. “Sitting in bed, watching TV, reading to each other from those lousy college textbooks, and well… other things?”
Aiden understood what Conrad meant by “other things.” Those were some of the good memories. Many more were unpleasant. Cleaning up after Conrad’s hangovers was hardly that bad in comparison.
Conrad lowered his eyes. “I really did blow it with you, didn’t I?”
Was this Conrad’s final confession? Aiden did not wish to discuss the past. He averted his eyes from Conrad and studied the shine to his tea. “I guess we both made mistakes. We were younger.” Aiden refreshed his tea, nearly topping the mug to overflowing. Conrad, careful not to spill any, slurped the excess.
“We started to talk about what happened when we went hiking by that lake,” Conrad said once he brought the cup to his lap. “Let’s finish. We both know it’s been a time bomb between us.”
Aiden wished he hadn’t brought up the past again. If only the walls might absorb the reality of their past—and present. He wanted to leave but gripped his hands on his thighs and willed himself to remain seated.
“I haven’t met anyone like you before or since,” Conrad went on. “That’s why I thought of calling you to help me when I needed it. Of all the people on earth, even after everything I did to you, I knew I could count on you.”
Aiden massaged the rough fabric of his jeans. “I’m glad you did,” he said, his voice sounding faraway to him. Finally he slapped his leg and stood. “I was thinking of showing you some more of the sights, unless you don’t think you’ll be up for it?”
Conrad’s blue eyes brightened. “I will be. I’m sure. I feel much better already.”
“Finish your tea and if you’re in the mood, we’ll go do something.”
He left Conrad alone and wandered into the kitchen. He poured a cup of tea for himself, and felt a combination of elation and dread.
Aiden made use of the morning by spreading out his work on the Glacier article at the dining table. With a tepid mug of tea by his laptop, he telephoned Senator Gloria Klamsa. He was shocked to hear the senator answer the phone.
She expressed enthusiasm for Aiden’s research and provided him with more information on the strip mining than he found on the Internet or that Ranger Ellis offered. She ended each of her statements with “but we still have to learn more.” Political legalese, Aiden assumed.
He clicked off and, for the moment, felt contented, perhaps even useful, fulfilling two important roles at the same time: one, caring for a fellow human being in need, and two, revealing the strip-mining operation that might injure one of the world’s most majestic national parks.
He heard Conrad close the door to the hallway bathroom followed by the sigh of the pipes. Aiden cleared his work from the table. He would have to find a way to entertain him. And then after that, each of the days he stayed with them.
Hair damp and glistening, Conrad wandered into the living area where Aiden sat petting Ranger.
Conrad smiled at him. “You ready to get out of here?” Aiden itched to focus more on his article, especially now that he had additional notes from Senator Klamsa’s interview, but he had promised Conrad adventure. Conrad, in this case, came first.