A Letter

It’s 5am. This is early for me now. It didn’t used to be, not when I was with you... In fact, this is just about when I’d be getting ready for the gym. These days, well most days, I sleep in until I like; I don’t even use an alarm clock to wake up.

Suppose I missed you. Would you care? Do you miss me? If this letter reached you, would you just shake your head and mutter “I told you so, ” tossing it aside in a forgettable corner of your desk? Would you even want to know? Maybe it’s because I’m PMSing. Maybe it’s that Mercury is in retrograde.

I’m happy now. Really, I am. Everything is going great. There’s nothing I can complain about...I feel safe. Loved. I have lots of time to do things for myself. The sex is great. Not crazy, like we used to get, but great—I don’t think I need crazy anymore. Great is enough. I have stability. It’s such a fucking cliché, but that’s something you could never give me. In fact, I have so many things now that you couldn’t give me. With you, I lived in constant fear that it would all just end at any second. I don’t stay up at night worrying about that now. Many girls would say I’m in the perfect situation. I’m not trying to leave. I don’t want to leave. That’s not what I’m trying to say.

I think about you more than I care to admit. I see you online, and it’s like a punch to the stomach, a pang of jealousy that I keep bottled inside, that I never tell anyone about. On good days, I smile and reason that I can’t have everything. On bad days, I block the girls who post about you.

Do you ever reminisce about me? Do you ever think about the six years we had? I can’t remember a single bad day. Did we have bad days?

Why did I leave you?

I know what you’re thinking: “You made your bed. Now fuck in it.”

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can say things like this, now that I’m a woman of thirty. You changed my life. If it weren’t for you, I’d be a different person. Because of you, if I dropped dead right now, I’d be okay with that.

But then I think about... What if I want a family? What if I want kids soon? Being with you wouldn’t allow for that. You were all-consuming. When I was with you, I didn’t have time for anything else. It’s a miracle I had time to write my first book. You were all I could think about. You ruled my emotions, how I felt from day to day. When I pleased you, I was happy. When I didn’t, I was crushed.

I’m starting to remember the bad days.

Like I said, I’m happy now.

But it would be a lie to say I don’t wonder what it would be like if I had never left. A lie to say I don’t sometimes just slightly imagine, a teeny tiny bit, what it would be like if I had never signed that Wicked contract. Would we still be together? Certainly on my end, yes. I miss the rush of you, Gonzo Porn. I miss walking into a scene with no idea what was about to happen. I miss fucking as hard as I want, without a director yelling “CUT!” to tell me to tone it down. I miss when fucking was the most important part of the day. I miss getting choked. I miss getting slapped. I miss FUCKING.

I always wanted to be a Wicked Girl. You knew that when we met. I didn’t even want you, really... But I fell for you, hard, Gonzo. I thought I was done with you when I got signed. I finally had what I had always wanted.

I’m coming up on two years of shooting only features. It’s been really nice. I like my new image...I like when people raise their eyebrows upon my telling them I’m a Wicked contract star. I like being the cream of the crop. You’d think I’d have shaken you off by now! I hope I can shake you off.

It’s like they say...it was good while it lasted. You were good for me... No, you were exactly what I needed, at that stage in my life... I suppose I’ve outgrown you...

I don’t know that you need to see this. I don’t know that you will. But sometimes, I think about you.

—Asa