The moment Amy stepped out of Pop’s truck back at the ranch, she made a beeline for the neighboring house. She knocked on the large wood door, praying Cassie would be the one to open it. She loved Brock, but didn’t think she could face her big brother right now.
To Amy’s relief, her sister-in-law opened the door, took one look at Amy, and folded her into a hug. It was exactly what Amy needed, and she grasped onto Cassie with all her might. When they finally let go, Cassie led Amy inside the door and shut it. “Do you need a doctor’s office or a sister’s shoulder?” she asked.
Amy laughed a little. “Sister, though I do feel like I’m going to throw up.”
Cassie nodded and rushed off for a moment, asking her to wait there. Seconds later, Amy could hear Brock and the twins leaving the house through the back door in a noisy storm of boots and voices. Then Cassie was back, ushering Amy into the kitchen. “I sent the boys out for a while so we could have our privacy. Something to drink?” she asked, moving to the cupboard.
Amy shook her head, but Cassie was already pouring hot water into a mug. Soon Amy had a cup of tea on the kitchen table in front of her, and she grabbed it with both hands, as if the heat could rid her of some of her swirling emotions. “It’s ginger tea,” Cassie said, “so it should help with the nausea.”
Amy nodded her thanks and took a sip. “I’d prefer a rum and Coke, but considering the situation, this is perfect. Thank you.”
Cassie sat down across from Amy with her own cup and waited quietly while Amy drank another sip of tea. “Did something happen at your sister’s?” Cassie asked when Amy put the cup down.
Amy shrugged. She didn’t want to get too much into what she had learned about her biological mother. “I came over to tell you I won’t be at your wedding. I’m so, so sorry, Cassie.”
Cassie looked stricken, and Amy flushed with embarrassment. “You won’t be there?” Cassie asked, sounding so upset that Amy had to bite her lip to keep from crying.
“I changed my flight to Thailand. I’m leaving first thing in the morning. I just need to get out of the country,” she said.
“Before Jack gets back from Wyoming,” Cassie said, a statement rather than a question.
If Amy hadn’t already been blushing, she would have done so now. She felt the heat emanating from her face. “If I see him, I’ll cave,” she whispered.
She knew she would, too. She’d never be able to hold out against his determination to do what he thought was best for her and the baby. He would convince her to move to Wyoming and then what? She’d spent the last decade making a life for herself, and then she’d just throw it away. And if she regretted it in one or two or five years, what would she do then?
No, she needed to leave again. Jack would be able to pursue his dreams and she... Well, she’d need to figure out what she was going to do next.
“I wish you wouldn’t go,” Cassie said, breaking into Amy’s thoughts.
Amy stood. She needed to get to her room, where she could lie on the bed and privately cry for all she was leaving behind. Even though she felt this was the better choice for both Jack and herself, the thought of giving up her chance with Jack was killing her.
Ma’s reaction hadn’t helped any, either. The older woman was devastated. Amy couldn’t bring herself to explain why, not when she was still so confused about what to do with this pregnancy and everything. She wanted to curl up like a child in Ma’s arms and hear her comforting words, but she and Pop had gone out to dinner, most likely as a chance for him to talk her out of her depression at their daughter’s sudden decision to leave without warning.
Once Amy left Cassie’s house, giving her sister one last hug and trying not to notice the tears in the other woman’s eyes, she went home and curled up in her bed, alone. It was only then that she let herself cry. She cried for the future she and Jack could have, the poor baby that didn’t ask for any of this, and a dozen other things. She fell asleep with tears on her eyelashes.
On the airplane the next morning, there were no more tears, but Amy still felt raw and tired. She tried to blame it on the pregnancy, but she knew it was more about the decision she’d made. She told herself over and over that if she wanted Jack to pursue his dream instead of settling for a house in the suburbs, she needed to force his hand the only way she knew how. As much as it killed her, they couldn’t stay together and both be happy, so it was up to her to keep them apart.
Even so, she felt incredibly selfish. Whatever she said, she knew that she was leaving mostly because of her own fear, her own desire to keep the life she knew and loved.
Amy willed the plane to move faster, to get her to Thailand. Maybe if she was far enough away and surrounded by a world different enough from her own, she’d be able to forget the way Jack’s cornflower blue eyes sparkled when he smiled at her.
* * *
JACK AWOKE WITH a warm feeling of expectation running through him. Soon it would be time to catch his flight, and then he’d be in Spring Valley, where Amy was waiting for him. Even though their last phone conversation hadn’t gone the way he’d wanted, Jack knew that a good talk in person would sort everything out, and before too much longer, they would be moving into a house together in Cheyenne, settling down and preparing for the arrival of the baby.
The image brought a smile to Jack’s face, and he let himself enjoy it for a few more moments before getting up and packing his things that he’d scattered around the tiny room where he’d been staying the past few days.
Normally he was a somewhat tidy person, but the rigor and demands of working with Sam Evans, along with spending every spare moment searching around the area for a decent place to rent and various other details that came with moving to a new place, had made him careless, and things were scattered everywhere.
He was relieved to be leaving Wyoming, not just because he was excited to see Amy and his home, but also because he was ready for a break from Sam. The man had only gotten more harsh and constantly critical once they’d agreed to be partners, and working with him was more difficult than Jack had imagined. He was sure they’d settle into each other’s personalities eventually, and once they won a few purses together, Sam would probably calm down a bit.
Jack looked around the room, ensuring he hadn’t missed anything, then checked the time on his phone. He still had a few minutes before he needed to leave, so he sat to glance through his email. One message caught his eye first. Something from Amy. He opened it.
I’m going to Thailand, Jack. My flight leaves at 6am, so I’ll be gone before you get back to Texas. I need some time away. I want you to have your rodeo school and your dream, and I don’t think that’s possible with me in your life.
I’m sorry.
That was it. Jack couldn’t believe it. It was past seven already, but he called her phone anyway, just in case this was some kind of a mistake.
No answer. She’d really left him again. Jack slumped forward, not sure what to do next.
After a two-hour flight that seemed to take forever, Jack went straight to Amy’s parents’ house. He refused to believe she had really gone until he saw proof for himself.
As soon as Amy’s mother opened the door, though, he knew it was true. The woman looked so crestfallen that she didn’t need to say anything. “She really left,” he said, mostly speaking to himself.
The woman nodded. “Would you like to come in, Jack?” she said, her voice soft and sounding as though she had a cold.
Jack shook his head. He needed to be alone, away from everything that screamed out Amy’s absence. He got back into his truck and drove away, hoping a long drive would soothe his anger and sadness, but even his truck smelled faintly of her. Soon he was walking along a dirt road, trying to get as far from Amy as he could.
Like a ghost, she followed him.
Jack sat in the dirt, unable to go any farther. She’d run away from him again, just as he’d feared she would. And now he didn’t know what to do. He was sure he couldn’t just forget about her, or about the baby that he planned to raise, but what could he do? He couldn’t force her to allow him into her life.
Finally he drove home. He didn’t know what he would do there that could keep his mind off all this, but he hoped to find something better than just sitting around thinking.
As soon as he walked in the door, though, it became clear he wasn’t going to be done with the topic anytime soon. His mom was sitting in the front room, and it was clear she’d been waiting for him.
“I’m guessing you heard,” he said, sitting down heavily on the couch.
She leaned toward him. “I spoke to her mother today. I know this must be very difficult for you, Jack.”
Jack shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about it. Of course it was difficult. He felt abandoned. Rejected. Betrayed.
Again.
“I know there’s nothing I can do to help,” his mother continued, “But I hope you can find some way to move past this. You deserve someone who won’t run away from you when things get difficult, and I know she’s out there somewhere.”
With that, she patted his knee and stood, leaving him to his thoughts. After a few minutes, Jack stood and stalked to his room, his bewilderment and pain turning into anger. He walked directly over to his bedside table, grabbed the ring box sitting on top of it and dropped it back into the back of the drawer where he’d found it, shutting the drawer so hard that the lamp on top nearly toppled off.
Jack knew what he needed to do. He needed to pack and get ready to leave for Wyoming. It was time to get the hell out of Spring Valley.
* * *
AMY BRACED HER body as the open-back truck careened around a corner, the driver apparently trying to hit every pothole he could find. If riding horses is bad for pregnant women, I can’t imagine this is good, she thought.
Amy banged on the window to get the driver’s attention and hopped out, even though she could still see her hotel behind her and was nowhere near her next destination. After a short argument and paying the equivalent of about fifty cents, Amy watched the red truck continue down the street, followed by three similar vehicles. Amy pulled out her phone, hoping one of her car service apps would work in this country, since the taxi system apparently left a lot to be desired.
A couple of months ago, a bumpy ride on a bench bolted into the back of a truck would be hardly worth noticing except as an interesting cultural phenomenon, but now things were different. There was a baby to think about.
An image of Jack’s silver truck, old but with an unmistakable feeling of security built into it, enveloped her, and she longed for home. Amy could feel tears prick her eyes, and it was difficult to see her phone screen for a minute. Finally, she was able to request a car to pick her up, and she leaned against a wall while she waited for it to arrive, trying to stay out of the sun.
The moist heat of the air filled her lungs, and she wished for a cool rain. Like the one that had trapped her and Jack in the barn after their “first date.”
Amy bit her lip in frustration. She had been in Chiang Mai for twenty-four hours, and she’d spent almost all of that time wishing for Jack and home, or else feeling nauseated and wanting food from home, which was so completely different from the ubiquitous Thai offerings that she’d already broken down and visited a Mexican restaurant for food that tasted exactly like she should’ve expected food at a Mexican restaurant in Thailand to taste like.
Amy stopped the flow of negative thoughts and tried to pull herself together. Since when did she complain so much about the little difficulties that came with travel? She was here to have adventures, experience a new culture and see the lantern festival, something she’d wanted to do for years. Then she would write an article about it and get paid. Anyone would love to have this opportunity.
It upset her to no end that she was absolutely miserable.
Before she could dig into everything that had changed and what that meant for her, Amy’s ride, a sleek black car stopped in front of her and she hopped in, determined to at least give this city a chance. She directed the driver to the temple she had planned to visit, then leaned back against the cushions and soaked in the air conditioning. Without thinking, her hand crept to her stomach, as if she could feel the child growing inside her.
The child whose future depended completely on her decisions, even though she felt more lost and confused than she ever had in her life. She didn’t feel like she was remotely capable of making decisions for anyone, let alone an innocent baby.
Amy repeated the mantra she’d started as soon as she arrived in Thailand: If she could just make it to the lantern festival, everything would sort itself out somehow. She knew it was illogical, stupid even, to assume that she would magically know what to do after that, but she had to hold on to some sort of hope. Unfortunately, the lantern festival was weeks away still, and Amy had no idea how she would survive until then.
But this was her life, right? If she wasn’t willing to give it up for Jack and the baby, then she better find some way to enjoy it.
Maybe by the time the festival was over and she moved on to the next place, her heart would hurt less. Then she could broach what to do about this baby. Right now, she missed Jack so deeply it was hard to think about much else. After two weeks, hopefully she would have healed enough to think about life without Jack and not feel pain.
Amy tried to believe that, but couldn’t quite manage it.
She arrived at the temple and walked past the statues and worshippers half-heartedly, taking pictures and notes for her article, but not actually seeing much of the scene before her. Her thoughts were so focused inward that it was impossible for her to do much more than wander aimlessly. Finally, she sat down on a bench in the shade as out of way as she could find and sighed.
What was she doing? Where had the spark of adventure gone?
Amy didn’t know, and that scared her. She pulled out her phone and glanced through her email, hoping Jack had written back to her. She wanted so badly to hear from him, even if it was an email telling her off. Anything written by him would be a comfort in its own way. But there was nothing from him, not a single word. There was, however, another message that made her sit up. It was from a website editor she’d written for several times, the subject line Important Opportunity, Respond ASAP.
Amy opened it. She read it through once, then again.
Hi Amy!
I saw those pictures of you in The Sun—seems like you’re having an exciting time out on the road! I was actually trying to figure out a writer for a series we want for our site: Winter in the Alps. We’d want write-ups of at least four different locations, details about the skiing opportunities and holiday festivities, etc. etc. This could be anywhere from four to as many as ten articles, if you can make them unique enough, and if anybody can do it, it’s you. We’ll pay expenses and your usual fee per article. Please let me know if you’re available and interested as soon as you can!
Amy leaned back and closed her eyes. This was an amazing offer for her, an opportunity to go to a great location with a sure purchaser for her articles about it. And it killed her that she wasn’t at all excited about the prospect.
It wasn’t just the pregnancy, either, and she knew it. She could easily find doctors in Swiss hospitals for checkups, and she didn’t need to ski to write about the slopes. She should be jumping at the chance to take this job, baby or not. And now that she’d broken things off with Jack, there was nothing holding her back. How could she say anything but yes?
She closed the email, not sure how to answer.
As Amy sat there, watching the temple-goers pass, there was one person she wanted to speak to, one woman whose advice and voice she most wanted to hear.
Her mom.
Not the biological one—the mom that had gone to every track meet and junior rodeo competition, who’d bought her prom dress, and who’d cried every time she left home.
Amy tapped her phone a few times before putting it to her ear. It rang several times before Ma answered with a very sleepy “Who on earth is calling at this hour?”
Amy almost slapped her forehead. It had to be after midnight in Texas. “Sorry to call so late, Ma,” she said.
The voice on the other end suddenly sounded much more alert. “Amy? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“No, nothing happened,” Amy said in her most reassuring voice. “I just forgot about the time difference. I’ll call back at a better time.”
“Oh, no, dear,” Ma said, and Amy could hear her moving around. “I’m awake now, so I expect you to talk to me for a good long bit. Make getting up worth it. What’s bothering you, dear?”
Amy smiled. She was sure that Ma wouldn’t rest until she found out why Amy had called. “There are a few things going on that I haven’t told you about, Ma,” she confessed.
At first, Amy had only planned on telling her about Jack and the pregnancy, but as soon as she started everything poured out: the robbery in Morocco, her affair with Armand, her fears about being like her biological mother. All of it. By the time she was finished, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
Her mother was silent on the other side of the line for several long seconds after Amy finished. Then she said, “Oh dear, you have had a difficult time of it lately, haven’t you?”
Amy laughed through her tears.
“How can I help with all this, Amy?” Ma asked, her voice earnest.
Amy shrugged even though she knew the other woman couldn’t see the gesture. “I just needed you to know. I’ve never felt so lost. Should I move to Wyoming? Keep traveling? Give up the baby or keep it? This is all so confusing.”
“Do you remember that book you read in high school, The Bell Jar?” Ma asked.
“I remember it,” Amy answered, with no idea how Ma was planning to connect this to her life.
“Do you remember the fig tree thing?”
Amy’s class had spent almost a week talking about that part of the story, and Ma’s meaning became clear in a flash. “She sees her life as a tree and all her different options as figs on it, but she can’t decide which thing to pursue,” Amy said, digging the scene out of her memory. “Because she doesn’t pick one, the options wither and fall around her as she starves.”
“Good girl,” Ma said. “I can’t choose for you, but I can tell you that you best make a choice. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Fear still held Amy back. “I’m so scared I’ll be a bad mother,” she admitted, almost in a whisper.
Ma’s voice came to her like a warm hug. “Sweetie, if you’re so worried, you’ll do just fine. It means you care and you want the best for your baby, and that’s what being a good mom is all about.”
After another few minutes, Amy hung up the phone and used her app to request another car. Since she had a few minutes to wait, she settled back on the bench, trying to get comfortable.
Her mom was right—she needed to make a choice. It was time to grow up and stop acting on momentary whims and selfish desires that just made her more miserable in the long run.
So what did she really, truly want, for herself and her baby and the other people around her? Amy closed her eyes and created images of her future, trying to assess her feelings about each one. An image of her in a Swiss ski resort, taking pictures and writing articles as it snowed outside, an image of her in Spring Valley with her family, an image of her in Jack’s arms, the background a mystery. The baby in her arms, the baby being taken away to another family.
In all that mess, all those lives she could live, what did she want?
Amy opened her eyes and sat up. As afraid as she might feel, or unsure or whatever, she knew what she wanted. And now it was time to put it into action.
Then she stood and went to meet the car waiting for her, hurrying her steps a little. She needed to get back to her hotel room and her computer—she had some flights to book.
* * *
JACK SLAMMED ANOTHER bag into the back of his truck. He wasn’t sure what was in it, and frankly, he didn’t care much. He just needed to get the stuff into the vehicle so he could get out on the road and away from this damn town as quickly as he could.
The past two days, ever since he’d arrived home and learned that Amy was actually gone, had been a blur of cramming everything he owned into duffel bags and working as much as he could on the ranch. His body desperately needed a rest, but he couldn’t manage to sit still. It was better to work and keep his mind blank, stay angry. If he wasn’t angry, he’d be hurt, and he couldn’t deal with that anymore.
As he tossed the last two bags in with the others, Jack heard a truck turn into the driveway. He turned and felt as if he was hallucinating. Amy pulled up beside where he stood, stepped out of the truck and ran toward him. Without thinking, he opened his arms wide and caught her up in them, holding her close.
She was here, back in Spring Valley, back in his arms. He didn’t know how or why, and for the moment he couldn’t think of anything beyond the feeling of her in his arms. “You left,” he said, trying to process what was happening.
Amy nodded, not removing her face from where it rested against his shoulder. “I got to Thailand and realized the only place I wanted to be was wherever you were. Here or Cheyenne, a ranch or in the suburbs. As long as I’m with you, Jack.”
He squeezed her close, trying to absorb her words. She continued speaking, her voice a little muffled by his shirt. “I’m not scared anymore, Jack. I know that I love you and I want to have this baby with you.”
Jack held Amy tight for another second before forcing his arms to break their hold on her. Amy backed up a little and looked into his face. Her cheeks were stained from her tears. “I love you, Jack,” she said again.
“I love you too, Amy,” he told her.
She stepped closer, but he moved back, keeping distance between them. He felt so much pain in his heart that he had to stop himself from rubbing the skin above it. He focused on his anger instead.
Her expression grew confused as they looked at one another. He knew what he needed to say next, but it took him a moment to get out the words. Angry, he reminded himself. He was angry. “But I can’t do this, Amy.”
Shock flooded her face and Jack looked away. He needed to say it all. “When you left the first time, it about killed me. And this time...well, I just know I can’t put myself through that again. It’s too hard. I love you and I’ll always love you, but I can’t risk my heart like that.”
“I won’t run again,” she said, her voice a whisper.
Jack shook his head, holding tightly to his fury. “I can’t let myself believe that.” He thought of his mother’s words. “I deserve someone who I know won’t disappear when things get difficult, Amy.”
He stopped talking, but Amy said nothing else. “I still want to be a part of the baby’s life and help any way I can. I’m happy to be your friend, Amy,” he said stiffly, knowing it didn’t sound sincere.
But it was all he was capable of at the moment, dammit.
Jack finally risked a glance up and felt his anger dissolve in one quick swoop. She wasn’t crying, but her expression spoke of the agony she felt. Jack wanted to say something to help, but there was nothing left to say. He knew what he’d said was right. Now he just needed to get away before he caved.
Jack gestured to his full truck and where Benny was waiting nearby, ready to settle into the horse trailer for the long ride to Cheyenne. “I better go. I’ll see you at the wedding, Amy.”
With that, he turned and walked away, not risking a backward glance until he heard her truck driving away. Once he did, however, he watched until it disappeared, only able to keep himself from chasing after her with the hardest effort.
When she was gone, Jack turned again and continued walking toward where Benny was waiting for him. He hugged the horse’s neck tight for a moment, telling himself he’d made the right choice no matter how horrible it made him feel at the moment.
Benny snorted in commiseration. Or maybe in disappointment. Jack couldn’t be sure.