CHAPTER 32
Exhibit D: Excerpts from the journal of Nadine Jessup, pages 51-57

Every night I went to bed telling myself tomorrow would be the day I’d make the call. Tomorrow would be my last day here. Wherever this is . . . somewhere in Baltimore, I’m told. Tomorrow I’ll say good-bye to Tasha and the other girls forever and then I’d say good-bye to this chapter of my life. Every day I promised myself I would do it, but I never did. Instead, I watched the phone’s battery level drop like it was my own life slipping away, down from a hundred percent to fifty. Half life. Half left. But the half remaining meant I could go another day without having to make that call. It meant I could have another day without being terrified of what Ricardo would do to me if he found out I was trying to escape, or what he would do to my mom and dad if I betrayed him. The remaining bit of battery meant I could put off having those fears become a reality for at least one more day.
I didn’t know what was going to happen when the battery got down to ten percent . . . or five. Would it give me strength I didn’t have? Would I just dial the number on the card Mystery Man gave Tasha? Would I? Could I? There was a Nadine who I believed in, a girl who I thought had the courage to do it. But it felt like that girl was lost somewhere in a maze of cheap rooms down in a basement with mold clinging to the ceiling. That Nadine was lost and I was calling her name but hearing the echo not of my voice, but the voice of Jessica Barlow, the girl I’d become, whoever she is.
 
It was a stupid thing waiting to make that call. Stupid GIRL! STUPID NADINE OR JESSICA OR WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE! Doesn’t matter now what percent of the phone’s battery is left because the phone is gone. I went to check the battery life and I couldn’t find the phone in my pillow. It’s gone and if Ricardo, Casper, or Buggy found it that means I’m probably next.
 
I’m writing to you Tasha. Dear Tasha. I’m writing to apologize. I’m writing to you to tell you that I love you. To say I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry x10. Sorry a Million Xs. Here’s the truth, here’s what happened. I remember now. I took the phone out from its hiding spot because I was going to make the call, I really was, but I wanted to get high first, and I did, but then I forgot about the phone. I just left it out on the kitchen counter and went to work downstairs. STUPID THING TO DO. STUPID!! I crashed after and when I came back up I didn’t even check to see if I put the phone back where I hide it. I’ll never forget the look in your eyes when Ricardo woke us that night. I’m sure I looked a million times more scared than you. But when Ricardo showed us the phone, why did you tell him it was yours? Why??? I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry. I feel super sick about it. I really do. I should have owned up to it and I didn’t. You gave it to me. It was my phone, but I said nothing. And now I have to go downstairs because there’s a meeting about the phone and YOU! All the girls are going to be there. I haven’t seen you since Ricardo dragged you away by your hair. When I get downstairs, I’m going to tell them the truth. I’m going to tell them the phone is mine. I can’t let them hurt you for something I did.
 
Tasha please forgive me. Please, please, please, forgive me! I froze when I saw you with your wrists tied. When they opened the door to the hole, I said nothing. When they untied your wrists I thought they were going to let you go. I was wrong. We locked eyes and I thought I understood what was going through your mind, what you wanted me to do, which was nothing. You could have stopped it. You could have told them the phone was mine. But you didn’t. You were doing this for me because you knew I couldn’t take the hole. You knew I couldn’t take the cigarette burns Ricardo put on your arms and legs. Somehow you knew I wasn’t strong enough. I almost spoke up when the door to the hole clanged shut. I swear it’s true. I almost said it was MY PHONE! MINE! But then I remembered when they put me in the hole. I didn’t know I was claustrophobic until I went down there. The thought of going back into the darkness again, into that crawl space, it made me shrivel up inside.
I knew for sure I couldn’t take what they did to you. I couldn’t handle it. So I just watched along with the other girls while Casper and Buggy held you down and Ricardo put his cigarette to your skin. I watched and said nothing because I’m a coward. I make myself sick!! I should just curl up into a ball and die. That’s what I should do. I should take a big handful of your blue specials and swallow them all and just die because I’m worthless and pathetic. That’s the truth. You screamed while I stayed silent. What’s fair about that?
 
Tasha, sweet Tasha. Here’s what happened after you went into the hole. Ricardo brought all the girls into to the kitchen for a “little talk.” A little talk, yeah right! He was trying to scare us and he did a fine job of it, too. He told us phones were not allowed but everyone already knew the rule. He said phones were contraband. I hadn’t heard that word before, but I figured out pretty quickly what it meant. It was something prisoners would try to get. Good word choice, because I guess that’s what we are. Prisoners. He said if we have phones, we have to give them to him now. He said there would be no penalty if we handed them over. That’s what he calls putting you in the hole and burning you with cigarettes. He calls it a penalty. No wonder I didn’t run, or call that Angie lady. If I got caught doing any those things it would have been a heck of a lot worse than a “penalty,” I think.
 
It’s been a full day now—a full freakin’ day. How much longer are they going to keep you down there, Tasha?
Another day gone and no you. Why won’t they let you out? When Ricardo came to check me for tips I told him he should let you go. He grabbed me by my throat and told me I should mind my own business. He told me my job was to make the clients come back for more of me. He took out his lighter, lit it, and held the flame up to my face so close I could feel the heat. I tried to pull away, but he grabbed my head and pulled me closer to the flame. Then he took out a cigarette and he lit it. He blew smoke in my face and he laughed. Then he kissed me and told me he loved me. He said I was still special. The most special to him, he said. Weird as it sounds, it actually made me feel good to hear those words. Good while you were suffering on my account.
No wonder I’m so effed up.
 
Tasha, today I knocked on the door to the hole hoping you would knock back. You didn’t. I was going to knock again, but I heard Casper coming so I had to get out of there. I wanted to shout RABBIT RABBIT because maybe that would get him to help you. Right? Wrong. Casper and Buggy just do what Ricardo tells them and Ricardo does what Ivan tells him and Ivan wants you in the hole and RABBIT RABBIT isn’t going to get you out.
 
It’s the end of day two and they still haven’t let you out. Two full days in the hole. Two whole days down in the darkness! Get it? Two WHOLE days? Ha-ha. Not funny. Not funny at all. It’s sick, I know. Why did I even write that? I guess ’cause I don’t know what else to do. You’re down there because of me, Tasha. It’s my fault you’re in there. I took three of your blue pills today but I still can’t get high enough to stop feeling sick about it and you. I keep praying it won’t be long now. That they’ll let you out soon. I think of you every second of every day and I pray.
Some good that’s doing.
 
I went to the kitchen in the basement because I was hungry. I ate a protein bar and had an apple. Believe it or not they feed us pretty well here. They want to keep us healthy so they can keep us working. Nobody wants to be another Jade so we eat what they give us, which isn’t horrible. Burritos, rice, sometimes salad. But there’s always protein bars in the kitchen. I had to hurry because I had a client, or a John, or whatever you want to call him. Who cares, right? I have lots of Johns. I have lots of clients. It means nothing. They mean nothing. My body and mind separate when it’s happening. They get off and I get lost. That’s how it works. They come from all over, these men. They aren’t all Baltimore local, I can tell you that for sure. I think most of them find us through the Internet, but what do I know.
Casper came into the kitchen to escort me to my room. I was ready to go with him when Martina—I think it was Martina—yelled out RABBIT RABBIT and Casper went to her, leaving me alone in the kitchen for a while. I looked around and saw nobody was coming. Casper was dealing with some guy who got a little rough with a girl and now he was feeling what it felt like to piss off Casper. I took the knife I used to the cut the apple and hid it under my dress (a dress Ricardo bought me when I thought he loved me). I pinned the knife to my thigh by slipping it into the band of my underwear, then I tried to walk normally, but I’m sure I had a little limp. I told Casper I was going to my room. I’m a good girl who can go there all by herself. He’s said he’d be right there. The man he was beating up begged him to stop. I got to my bed and waited.
Eventually Casper showed up and my “John” did too.
 
This guy was married. He had a ring. He looked soft, like a dad who worked in my dad’s office. Soft, not hard like the Baltimore boys who came down here on occasion. He may have had a daughter my age. Did he think of that while he was on top of me? Anyway, he did what the guys do, which is to make noises while they grabbed me and kissed me and whatever. I didn’t let him touch my thigh though. I kept turning my body at just the right time. Turning so he wouldn’t find the knife. I waited until his pants were off before I took out the knife. I didn’t waste any time. I put it right to this guy’s throat and told him to give me his phone. Me! Doing that! Imagine! I was shaking inside, but I tried to sound tough. GIVE ME YOUR PHONE A-Hole! I think that’s what I said, A-hole, but what do I remember? I was too freaked out just holding a knife to some guy’s throat. I didn’t know I had it in me, but I got my inner Olivia Pope on (or maybe I was channeling Emily Thorne, or hell even Ricardo). Anyway, I was tough enough to make him scared.
He told me they took his phone from him when he got inside. I knew that was BS. I knew it because Ivan let the guys film the girls if they wanted too because it made them come back for more. The guys thought they were getting something for free, Ivan said, but it’s like showing a picture of crack pipe to an addict. They’d look at a photo or video and want the real thing.
The guy was shaking and let’s just say he wasn’t popping Viagra because his excitement went away like a turtle slipping into its shell. I pressed the knife against his throat even harder and told him to give me his damn phone. He got up from the bed (squeak squeak went the springs) and I went with him. I kept the knife to his back as he got his phone from his suit jacket pocket. I made him do the code. I used one hand to hold the knife and the other to look at his pictures. There were pictures of his family and I was right. He did have a daughter about my age and son a little older. I told him how old I was and watched the color drain from his face. They told me you were nineteen, he said. They lied, I said. I opened his Facebook app and got his wife’s name and his hometown. I told him I was keeping his phone and I would call his wife and tell her what her hubby was up to if he told anybody about the phone or tried to disconnect it. I’d get another phone just like I got this one.
I used the knife and cut a slit in the mattress and stashed the phone and knife in there. The guy was shaking. Please don’t call my wife, he kept saying. Please don’t tell anyone I was here. He said he’d lose his job. I said not to worry. I won’t tell anyone if he won’t. I told him he had to go now, but that I needed a little distraction because I had a phone call to make. He asked what kind of distraction. I sat on the edge of the bed and smiled at him. Then I screamed RABBIT RABBIT loud as I could.