Creating the Personality
and Self-Image You Want
To be successful in a career, business, or personal relationship it helps to have certain personality traits. The ideal traits differ to some extent from occupation to occupation or in different cultures. For instance, a salesperson needs to be an outgoing, assertive, positive, and self-motivated person who takes initiative and is persuasive and articulate. While an office worker should be conscientious, detail oriented, organized, and willing to take orders. In some cultures a woman is expected to be more submissive and nurturing, whereas being assertive and independent is more characteristic of women in the United States and Western Europe. However, some traits are desirable for everyone, such as being a confident, friendly, creative, energetic, and positive person.
Decide the personality traits or self-image best for you and your career or business path, as well as in the type of relationships you want. Then decide if you have the desired personality or self-image, or determine the areas you want to develop further to get closer to your ideal. The results can be dramatic if you decide to make major changes—a job more in line with your abilities and interests, improved job performance and a higher income, more satisfying relationships, or more personal power at work and at home.
Personality and Job Changes
These examples illustrate how personality changes can lead to great personal success and a greater fit between the work one is currently doing and the work one wants to do.
From Accountant to Confident Marketer
Sam was fairly shy and bookish and worked as an accountant in a high-tech company building space equipment. At work he garnered praise for his quiet persistence, conscientiousness, and precision. So outwardly there was a good fit between the work and the way he behaved. Sam, however, was unsure of himself with people. He felt ill-at-ease going to parties and making small talk. At work this didn’t matter because his employers were more interested in his financial skills than how he interacted with others.
For several years nothing changed. Sam imagined that it would be nice to be more outgoing and socially comfortable, but he did nothing about it since he was comfortable in his job. But then, due to cutbacks, Sam suddenly found himself out of work in a market much less receptive to his skills. He had to change, not because he might like to be different, but for his own economic survival. Sam began thinking about the kinds of jobs that were available and realized that he would need to improve his social skills to land one of them. He decided to use his financial skills to market some mortgage and financial services, and began to work on making himself over in order to step into this new role. At first he was nervous about approaching people to sell them anything. But he began imagining himself in this role and practiced at home in front of his mirror. Finally he gained enough confidence to start interviewing and landed a job in telemarketing. Later as he gained more confidence from his success on the phone and his mental visualization and mirror practice at home, he got a job as an outside marketing representative. Gradually he moved from playing the role of an enthusiastic financial services marketing rep to being one.
At the same time, his more outgoing personality characteristics for his new work carried over into his personal life and he was more comfortable in social situations. He had gradually left his shyness behind as he became accustomed to working with people. After a while he was no longer the shy, bookish accountant he had once been. He had become a knowledgeable and friendly financial services rep, and that felt good.
How You Can Make a 180 in Your Personality
Sam’s dramatic change from shy introvert to outgoing extrovert illustrates that you can change even your most basic personality traits when necessary. Although we develop certain traits as a result of our experiences we are, in fact, very flexible and can adapt in many ways. Even what may at first seem like a 180-degree transformation may come to seem very natural, and after a while you may be able to shift back and forth between styles, choosing whichever is more appropriate to a particular situation. Or the new trait may virtually replace the older one if we have made permanent changes in our lives. I have met many people who have altered their personalities and self-images for greater success in different ways.
For example, a man who managed a small order processing department realized he was too abrasive in dealing with employees, and he worked on becoming more supportive and finding ways to give praise rather than criticism. As a result he increased his unit’s productivity, which then led to a nice raise for himself. An elementary school teacher realized she tended to be impatient and overly critical of people, which made some students resentful and caused them to lose interest in their work. To counteract this, she learned to slow down and become more patient, which resulted in a better behaved class and higher grades for the students.
In still another case, a usually critical woman with a caustic sense of humor realized that what she thought was witty was actually a turn-off for many people. They found her jokes and comments more hurtful than humorous, so she realized she needed to change to become a more caring and compassionate person in order to develop better relationships with others. Eventually, as she changed she found others warmed up to her, and she found more of the men she was attracted to were drawn to her too, so she began dating more.
Changing Your Personality in Different Situations
One way to think about your personality is to see yourself like an actor playing a role where you change your personality to adapt to changing circumstances. You may think you have a set personality, but it’s a construct that is continually being reaffirmed or recreated as you interact with others. Social interactionist refers to the school of psychologists and social researchers who have found this to be true.
You have probably experienced this personality transformation yourself when you are one way at work, another way at home, and bring out different aspects of yourself with family members and friends. This change occurs because we are constantly playing different roles in different situations with different people. We are tough with some people, while soft and gentle with others. We act like a child with some, like a nurturing parent with others, and like an aggressive drill sergeant with others. Often the situation shapes the role we play—we step into different costumes to take on different roles.
But what about with new people and new situations? What if we have new roles to play and we aren’t sure what to do or if we can do it? Or suppose we aren’t sure the particular role we have been playing will fly with a new boss, in a new company, or with a new group of people in a social group? There are many occasions when there is an uncertain fit between who we usually are or expect to be and the role required in a new and unfamiliar situation. Take some of these common examples:
• You are asked to take charge and aren’t sure what to do.
• You have to make a career change because of changed economic circumstances and the culture of the new field is very different from the one to which you were accustomed.
• You are working with a new group of people who have different values and expectations and you want to get along.
• You want to advance to a new position where you have to take on different tasks and roles.
• You are often critical and demanding, which has led to conflicts with your parents and friends in public places, so you have to learn to chill out and be more accepting of what is.
All such changes mean you must learn to act in a new way, perhaps even change your image and bring out a hidden side of you. You may also want to change to be more like someone you admire or express a hidden side. Or perhaps the way you have been acting isn’t working and you want to change it. For example:
• You are too shy and unassertive so people step all over you.
• You are difficult to work with or talk to because you are too sensitive and irritable.
• You are too pushy and aggressive, so people you would like to work with or family members are often afraid of you or try to avoid you.
• You are too critical and judgmental, so close friends and partners clam up on you because they are afraid to tell you information since you tend to criticize what they are doing or give them unwanted advice.
For one reason or another, you need to make some personality changes to alter the way you act or are so you fit in or get along better with people. It sounds difficult, but when you change the results will amaze you. You may get a more satisfying job that you really like, have greater success in working with others, have increased opportunities, better relationships, and numerous other things all because you have learned to be more flexible. The key is to determine the personality traits that no longer work and figure out what qualities you need to adopt to be successful. Then you can work on practicing these new traits
Four Key Stages to Changing Yourself
There are four key stages to changing yourself to become the person you want to be. You start by imagining who you want to be, visualize yourself in the new role using mental scripting, practice mental scripting, and turn the new script for yourself into action. Here’s how the four stages work in more detail.
Determine What to Change
Ask yourself, How would I like to change? For example, would you like to be more outgoing and dynamic? More warm and affectionate? More articulate? More self-assured in a group? However you want to change, your GWYW abilities can help you imagine the qualities you want to eliminate and those you want to develop.
Script Yourself into a New Role
This procedure lays the groundwork for you to change because you create a new persona or character for yourself, much like an actor might do.
Reinforce Your New Self-Image
By rehearsing your new role over and over again in your mind you reinforce the reality of this new image. So you see yourself differently when you act in the real world, which helps you act differently as well.
Put Your New Script into Action
Take the new role and actions you have created for yourself and put them into practice in real-life situations. For instance, if you decide you want to be more outgoing and have imagined yourself being this way with coworkers or family members, do just that. As you do, keep in mind the image of yourself as a more outgoing, friendly person who evokes positive responses from others.
The following techniques are designed to help you with each phase of this process.
Determining What You Want to Change or Become
The process of creating a new personality or role for yourself is much like the process of getting and achieving goals as was described earlier, except now your goal is to become a different person with different personality characteristics. Start off by thinking about all the personality traits you want to develop. Then decide which qualities are most important to you so you can work on achieving them first. You ask yourself questions like, How would I like to change? Or, What or who do I want to become? Consider what aspects of your personality you don’t like and imagine their opposite. For example, if you feel you are too quiet, think about what it would be like to be more assertive and outgoing. If you feel you are too standoffish and reserved, imagine yourself participating more. If you lack confidence, see yourself as an assured, confident person. Using this technique you change the picture of yourself. You replace the qualities you don’t want with a picture of yourself possessing the qualities you do.
To prepare, get a sheet of paper and pencil and make two columns. At the head of one column write down the heading, The Personality Traits I Want to Eliminate. At the head of the second column write, The Personality Traits I Want to Develop. When you do this technique, list the personality traits you want to change in the first column as they occur to you. Don’t try to edit or analyze them. Then in column two, when you list an opposite or different quality, the one you would like to replace the old one with, write down the first quality that comes to mind so you keep your responses spontaneous.
Finally, for each pair create a picture in which you see yourself in a scene with the original quality. Again, let the picture come to you. Then imagine that this picture is suddenly torn up and see yourself with the opposite or different quality. Experience yourself possessing this new quality for about a minute.
Go through the list and select those changes that are most important to you. Repeat the visualizations of yourself first with the old quality, then with the new. Repeat the visualization over the next few days and try putting each one into practice. You can use the following instructions to do this exercise.
Holding the chart you have created in front of you, get in a relaxed frame of mind. Perhaps turn the lights down to help you concentrate, but leave on enough light so you can see to write.
Then, looking at the first column begin brainstorming and quickly list all the traits you want to eliminate. Write down whatever pops into your mind and don’t try to judge whether it is realistically possible for you to get rid of that quality or not. Keep going until you have listed at least five traits or have started to slow down.
Next, turning to the second column begin brainstorming and quickly list all the traits you want to acquire. In some cases, these may be the reverse of the traits you want to eliminate. That’s fine. Just list whatever comes up without trying to critique or evaluate it. Also, don’t try to decide now if it’s realistically possible to acquire that quality. Keep going until you have listed at least five traits or have started to slow down.
When you feel finished, you are ready to prioritize the traits you want to eliminate or develop. To do this, first look down the list of traits you want to eliminate, and for each one come up with the complementary trait you would like to acquire and list it in the second column. For instance, if you have listed “become less negative and critical,” the complementary trait would be “become more positive and accepting.” After you have listed the complementary trait, cross out the trait you want to eliminate. If you have already listed a complementary trait in the second column, cross off the listing in the first column.
To prioritize the traits to acquire, look at each trait on the list and indicate how important it is to you by using the following markers: A (very important), B (important), and C (nice, but not that important). Write the letter next to each quality.
Finally, look at all the traits you have marked with an A. If you have more than one trait in this category, rank them in order of priority starting with the number one and so on. Do the same for the rest of the letters until each trait has a number or letter next to it.
You have now established your priorities. Plan to work on developing your most important quality first. If you have the time and energy, add your second or third traits. But at most, only work on three qualities at a time. Once you feel solid about having made these part of your personality, go on to the next traits on your list in order of priority (taking all the As first in order, then the Bs, and finally the Cs). Or if you feel you have gone through extensive changes, make a new priority list.
Using Mental Scripting to See Yourself in a New Role
Once you have decided which trait or traits to develop first, the next step is using mental scripting to develop them. In mental scripting, you see yourself as you want to be and create a scenario that you can play out again and again in your mind until you have developed the assurance that you can do it. In setting the scene for your scenario, use somewhere that you want to use your new role.
For example, to develop a more assertive, authoritative personality to take over a managerial position in your company, picture yourself being that way in your present position and see others responding to your new image in the appropriate way. This could be having employees listening more seriously or coming to you frequently for advice. Additionally, see yourself being authoritative and assertive in the position you want and notice that people defer to you and respect you. Alternatively, to become a warmer, friendlier person to get along better with coworkers or family members, see yourself doing things in the office or at home to express this warmth and friendliness such as greeting people with a big smile and a friendly comment, or offering hugs to close friends and family members if it seems appropriate. Use your usual relaxed, meditative state to imagine whatever scenario you choose.
Using an Image Reinforcer
Along with seeing yourself in a new role, you can use an image reinforcer such as a color, animal image, or expert as a reminder in a real-life setting to adopt the role you have imagined in your mind. The way to create this reinforcer is to make an association between the role you want to adopt, the way you want to change to suit that role, and the reminder to help you make that change.
Use the image reinforcer that feels most comfortable for you. The three types of images suggested here are a color image, animal image, and expert image. The basic process is the same; what differs is the particular image you use as a reminder to act as you wish according to your mental script.
In this technique you imagine a color around your body representing the quality you would like to develop. For example, to be more aggressive, outgoing, or assertive picture an aggressive color such as red. To be warmer and friendlier picture a warm color such as orange. To be more detail oriented and organized use a color associated with intellectual ability such as yellow. Each color is linked to certain common associations or you can choose your color reinforcer based on your own color associations with that quality.
Later, when you are in a real situation and need additional support for your new trait, imagine this color is around you and let it infuse you with energy and confidence to help you play out your new role.
In the animal imagery technique you visualize an animal representing the characteristic you want to acquire. Choose the animal based on your associations with that animal, although there are certain common associations as in the color approach. For example, to be warm and friendly visualize a soft, furry animal like a kitten or a puppy. To be aggressive visualize an active, aggressive animal like a wolf or a fox. To be more articulate, visualize a talkative animal like a dolphin or a parrot.
Later, in the actual situation when you need a reinforcer, call up this animal image so you will feel more confident to act as you wish.
In the expert image technique you imagine yourself as an expert who is supremely skilled in the desired characteristics. Furthermore, you see yourself doing the kinds of things experts commonly do such as talking about a new book on a TV talk show or giving a newspaper interview. For example, if you want to be a better cook at home imagine yourself as one of the star chefs you see on TV. If you want to be more authoritative when you teach or speak about a subject, imagine yourself as an expert in the subject, picking either a real expert or a fictional one as a role model.
Later, in a real situation, you can draw on this image as a reminder of how you want to be.
Using the Image Reinforcer Techniques
to Acquire Specific Personality Traits
The following examples illustrate how to use these image techniques with a scenario to develop a particular trait. These examples are based on some common qualities people seek to acquire for more success in a work situation. To acquire another trait, develop your own scenario around that and feel free to use any reinforcer that you are comfortable with combined with any trait.
Color a More Outgoing, Dynamic You
In this technique, start by imagining yourself in a situation in which you are more the way you want to be—in this case, outgoing and dynamic. Some possibilities include teaching a class, having a better relationship with your partner, or making a sale. See yourself in that situation and mentally play out that role as vividly as you can. Conclude by seeing the color you associate with those qualities, such as red, around you. The following example uses a party. As usual, first close your eyes and relax.
See yourself arriving at the party. You open the door and the event is in full swing. The atmosphere feels charged and full of energy as people move around meeting and greeting each other. People are talking enthusiastically, clinking glasses, laughing, smiling, exchanging cards, or shaking hands. You notice some people near the center of the room who you haven’t met before since they are friends of friends or new in town. Without hesitation you go over to them, smile broadly, and say hello. Then you make a comment that draws you instantly into the conversation, such as stating you hadn’t met them before, heard they were from out of the area, or new in town and heard them mention a common associate. Whatever it is, you speak with confidence so the others eagerly listen and respond. When you share a story about how you first moved to the area and got to know people, they find your story especially interesting and hope to see you again and get together to go to some fun activity. You conclude the conversation by exchanging phone numbers and e-mails and saying you will be in touch later. Then you politely excuse yourself to move on to the next individual or group. When you do, you feel the same sense of assurance and know exactly what to say.
Spend about five minutes going from group to group in your mind. Then before you leave, stand in the doorway for a moment. As you do, you see a color representing the outgoing and dynamic personality qualities you have displayed. This color may be red or may be another color. It seems to surround you and radiates from you brightly. Experience the strong energy or force radiating from this color for a few moments. This color will remain with you and whenever you want to be more outgoing and dynamic, think of this color. It will appear around you again and give you a renewed charge of energy and self-confidence so you can express these desired traits. When you are ready, leave the party and open your eyes.
If you are in any other situation where you want to develop any personality trait using the color imagery approach, see yourself in this situation and vividly play out the role. Then end your visualization by seeing the color around you. In the actual situation, visualize that color around you, too.
Use Animal Imagery to Create a New You
In the animal imagery technique, first see yourself as an animal representing the qualities you want to develop. With this image in mind, then imagine yourself in a situation where you want to express those qualities. Later, the image will help you do this in real life because you will act from the feelings associated with that image. The following example illustrates how this process might work if you want to improve your relationships with others by becoming more warm and friendly with your neighbors.
Begin by closing your eyes and getting relaxed. See yourself as a soft, gentle, friendly animal like a kitten or puppy. Someone is holding you in their lap and petting you. The strokes feel warm and comforting and you feel cozy, protected. You feel very friendly and show this by alternately stretching and snuggling up in a small, cuddly ball. This person continues to stroke you and you feel very peaceful, trusting, and content.
With this image in mind, see yourself in a situation in which you want to be open and friendly with someone, such as with neighbors. Imagine you meet in an elevator or by your backyard fence. Go up to that person and say something in a friendly, chatty way, certain they will respond in kind. They do so and you talk comfortably for several minutes, talking about the neighborhood and how you might be able to help each other in the future, such as by sharing tools or checking on each other’s mail when you are away.
Hold these images in mind for a few minutes and alternately focus on the soft, friendly animal and on the situation you have imagined. When you are in a real situation where you want to be more open and friendly, think of the animal image and it will help you attain this desired state. You can use other animal imagery to reinforce other ways of acting as well. For instance, if you expect a tough encounter with someone, a wolf image might make you tougher. If you have to think through a difficult intellectual challenge, a wily fox might help make you more mentally agile. If you are asking for permission to do something perhaps a bear or lion image might give you added confidence.
Whatever the situation, focus on the animal image briefly and then visualize the situation you want to affect. Finally, in the real-life situation recall that animal image to reinforce the way you want to act.
Use Expert Imagery to Become More Articulate
The expert imagery technique is especially apt when you need to feel powerful or be an authority on something. You start off by seeing yourself as an expert in a controlled situation, like a TV talk show or interview. Then, if you have a situation that you want to apply this feeling of power or expertise to, you see yourself in that situation being effective and in charge. If you have no particular situation in mind and simply want to acquire an air of authority and expertise, just see yourself as an expert. The last phase is applying this image in everyday life. You recall your image of you as the expert as a reminder that you can talk knowledgeably and confidently about the subject at hand.
To begin, close your eyes and relax. Now see yourself as an expert of a subject. You have just written a book about it and are a guest on a talk show. You feel calm and comfortable. You know your subject matter perfectly and are ready to answer any questions. The cameras start rolling and your host begins the interview. How did you come to write your book? Where did you get your material? Why do you feel your book has been successful? What do you think of such and such? What advice would you give others? And so on. As you answer each question, your host listens attentively and seems impressed by your wide knowledge of your field. Keep talking and answering questions for several minutes. Be aware of how good it feels to be so knowledgeable and to express what you think and feel.
Now, if there is a situation in life where you want to be regarded as an expert or authority, see yourself in that situation. You have just left a very successful national tour as an expert and you bring that expertise and assurance to this situation. Whatever the situation may be, see yourself responding knowledgeably and confidently just as you did on the talk show. Later in a real-life situation, recall this image of yourself as the expert and know that you are able to talk knowledgeably and with complete assurance about your topic.
Control the Different Aspects of You
Another way to create a change in your personality is to know when to use the traits you have. To do this you need to be aware of when you are expressing different traits so you can use each of them more appropriately. It’s not that the trait doesn’t fit the situation and that you have to develop the opposite trait. Rather you need to be able to control the use of the trait that works in certain contexts and use a different trait in others. This allows you to respond at your best to the wide range of situations you confront in your daily life.
That’s what Paul, the coordinator of a large volunteer organization, was able to do. The members really loved him because he was kind and caring. They also liked his casual spontaneity that helped people feel immediately at ease. At the same time, these traits sometimes led to problems. Paul had trouble managing the group and was often too nice, spontaneous, and disorganized. Since he wanted so much to help people and be liked, he sometimes lacked the discipline necessary to control the group. At one point he even tried an experiment in democracy that led some members of the group to rebel and try to run the program themselves.
Paul’s need was not to stop being nice, caring, or spontaneous but to better control these traits and balance them with others—assertiveness, firmness, and discipline—that he could use when needed. After the attempted coup, Paul realized what he needed to do and began to alter his personality. He continued to express the warm, friendly, caring traits that endeared him to others but he toned them down and worked on controlling them. He became more direct and forceful when necessary. As a result, he re-established his authority and the attempted coup ended. At the same time, realizing he needed help getting organized, he recruited some people who were better organized to help organize his office and set up a system to keep track of papers and tasks he needed to do.
Identifying Traits and Targeting Change
Aside from changing general personality traits, you can also target particular behaviors to change in certain situations. You may not change the inner you, but you can change the way you respond in a particular role. If you continue to use the same behaviors, it will eventually affect the inner you as well so you start to come into alignment with that inner role. It’s much the same process that changes attitudes about anything. For example, if an individual who is biased is put in a situation where he is around people toward whom he or she originally has negative attitudes toward, in time those attitudes will generally diminish or disappear. Likewise, adopt the behaviors you want to express even if you feel uncomfortable about expressing them initially, and eventually you’ll own those behaviors and make them part of you. If, for example, you have trouble being authoritative—you feel uncomfortable being in charge because you aren’t sure people will follow your directions—visualize yourself being more powerful and authoritative and see yourself showing more leadership in your position.
Think of the difference between personality and behavior traits as the difference between the way you are and the way you act. The following exercise will help you identify the characteristics you want to eliminate and those you want to adopt.
Isolating the Personality or Behavior Traits to Change
For this exercise get a sheet of paper and pencil and divide the paper lengthwise into four columns. Head each one with the question you are asking. To begin, write down at the top of the first column and ask, What behavioral or personality traits do I want to eliminate? Be receptive and see what comes to you. Write down ideas or images as they come to mind. Don’t try to judge whether you can get rid of that trait or not. Keep going until you have listed at least five traits or the images have started to slow down.
Then, at the top of the second column write down and ask, What difficult situations have I encountered in the past few weeks? Again, be receptive and just see what comes. As each scene appears, notice how you are acting and whether anything you are doing has been making this situation difficult for you. If so, this is probably a trait you will want to change. Write this trait in the second column. Keep going until you start to slow down.
Next, write down at the top of the third column and ask yourself, What behavioral or personality traits do I want to acquire? In some cases these traits may be the reverse of those you want to eliminate, while in other cases they may be entirely different ones. Whatever comes to you is fine. Just list them in the third column. Don’t critique or evaluate the trait. And don’t try to judge whether or not you can realistically acquire that trait. Again, keep going until you have listed at least five traits or have started to slow down.
Finally, write down at the top of the fourth column and ask, What new situations would I like to be in where I am different from what I am now? Again be receptive and see what comes. As each scene appears, notice what traits you have that are making the situation feel comfortable and natural. These may be behavior or personality traits you want to acquire but don’t yet have. Write down in the fourth column any of these qualities that come up for you. Keep going until you start to slow down.
When you feel you have finished, you are ready to set priorities. Which traits do you want to eliminate or develop first? Look at the list of traits you want to eliminate. For each one, come up with the complementary or opposite trait you would like to acquire and list it in the third column (if you haven’t already listed that trait in the third column). After you have listed this complementary trait or found it in the third column, cross out the trait you want to eliminate from the first column.
Now look down the list of all the traits in columns three and four and set priorities. To do so, rate each trait from zero to three, with zero being the lowest priority and three being the highest priority. Finally, look at the traits you have marked with the highest priority category. If you have more than one or two traits in this category, go through this list and rank them again until you have selected one or two traits that are the most important to you. If there are two, note which is most important to you. You have now established your priorities, so you can work first on developing the quality that is most important to you. If you would like to you can work on acquiring two qualities, but it’s best not to work on more than two at a time. Once you feel certain you have made these a part of your behavioral repertoire, go on to the next trait on your list in order of priority. When you feel you’ve completed these and incorporated them into your collection, you may want to make a new list.
After you have identified the general and specific behavior and personality traits you want to change, you can work on changing your overall orientation, specific traits, or both, but don’t try to change more than two or three things about yourself at a time. Remember, your global behavioral and personality traits represent your more general approach of relating to others and the world and reflect how you perceive information or make decisions. The particular behavioral traits are how you are likely to act, or habitual patterns of action, while the personality traits reflect predispositions to think, feel, believe, and have a certain type of attitude or orientation toward the world.
Mental Scripting:
How to See Yourself as You Want to Be
Now that you have identified the behavior and personality traits you want to eliminate or acquire, you can work on doing just that. A good way to do this is through mental scripting to create new patterns and approaches in your mind that you can then play out in real life. This technique to develop or eliminate personality traits is much like using a mental rehearsal technique to practice a particular skill or ability. In this case, however, you create a more detailed scenario in which you mentally play out a desired role again and again until you create a habit or pattern of action. As you repeatedly experience the action mentally, you reinforce the pattern in your mind. This, in turn, makes you feel more and more certain you can play the role and that confidence carries over into playing the scene in everyday life. You are a movie director again creating a scene for your movie; you create the setting where you play out your imagined script and possess the personality traits you desire.
For example, if you want to be more assertive and authoritative at work in order to advance your career, picture yourself as more assertive and authoritative in your present position and see others respond to you in a more cooperative, agreeable way acknowledging your desired leadership ability. You might see yourself giving instructions clearly and firmly, imagine others listening to you more seriously, and experience others coming to you for advice having recognized your authority and expertise. You might also project yourself into the future and see yourself expressing the desired leadership qualities in the position you want. You might see yourself in your new office feeling very comfortable and imagine yourself doing the tasks you want to do, such as giving instructions to your staff or attending a board meeting. In response, people defer to you and respect you in your new role. The following exercise will help you to create your own mental script.
Decide which behavior or personality trait you want to work on changing or acquiring. As usual, get relaxed and close your eyes. Take a minute or two to focus on your breathing to get very calm and relaxed. Then, with the trait you want to change or acquire in mind, imagine a setting in which you want to express that trait. Tell yourself that you now have the trait you desire and see yourself expressing that trait in that setting in the present. You have been in the situation before, but now you are acting in this new way. See yourself doing this vividly. Notice the environment around you. Notice the colors, the people, the smells, and the objects around you. Experience yourself interacting and talking with others. As you do, remind yourself that you have this quality you want to have and you feel very comfortable, very natural, and very confident acting this new way. Experience this for a few minutes.
Now project yourself into the future to a situation you would like to be in where you have and utilize this trait. It might be a move, a promotion, or a new relationship. Whatever it is, tell yourself that you have the trait you want to have and see yourself expressing it in this future setting. You see this future scene clearly and vividly as if it is happening now. Again, notice the environment around you. Notice the colors, the people around you, the smells, and the objects. Experience yourself interacting and talking with others. As you do, remind yourself that you have this quality you want to have and you feel very comfortable, very natural, and very confident acting this new way. Again, experience this for a few minutes. When you feel ready, let go of the scene and let it fade. As it does you feel very good, very confident, and ready to put this new trait into practice.
Then, holding on to that feeling and enthusiasm to go out and do it, return to the room. Count backward from five to one, and as you do, you will come back. Five, four, becoming more and more alert; three, two, almost back; and one, you are back in the room.
Practicing Your Mental Script
Once you have created a mental script you like, practice applying it in the real world. Practice it a few minutes a day until you really feel the new trait become a part of you. Or at other times, replay this script in your mind to prepare yourself for the actual encounter. Then, should an appropriate situation arise, assert yourself and be firm or be warm and open as you saw yourself mentally. Whatever the scenario, remember the feeling of confidence you felt as you acted the way you wanted in your mental script.
Turning Your Mental Script into Everyday Reality
In the beginning you may have to pay extra attention to your mental script and keep reminding yourself that you are trying to change by substituting a new way of feeling and acting for an old one. You may need to replay parts of your script from time to time and pay careful attention to what you say and do in order to break old patterns and replace them with your new ones. Eventually, as you keep inserting your new script into the way you act, it will become a habit and after a while you won’t need to use the script anymore. The new trait and your behavior pattern reflecting this trait will have become a part of you.