Overcoming Stress
Achieving a Balance Between Stress
and Relaxation to Get What You Want
It goes without saying that if you feel overly stressed, anxious, or tense, that’ll interfere with getting what you want. Not only can these things interfere with your health (think high blood pressure, heart attacks, and other problems linked to these reactions), but you are also more likely to make mistakes, errors of judgment, bad decisions, and otherwise screw up whatever you are doing. Just think of all the accidents from car accidents to airplane mishaps to ship oil spills, and you have the idea. From driver to pilot to controller error, being overstressed and anxious can definitely screw you up. You could end up ill, injured, attacked, in trouble, or even dead, and much further away from ever achieving your goal.
Unfortunately, stress is very common in the workplace, at home, and in life today and these tensions can carry over into other aspects of life. A key reason for this heightened stress is the pressure of our competitive and success-oriented age. There are pressures to perform, to meet deadlines, to do well, to be better than the competition, to get a contract, to obtain a job, to be promoted, to look successful, to make your family proud … and so on. They come with the territory of trying to accomplish things and succeed.
On the other hand, a little stress can be stimulating and encourage people to do better. For example, when a speaker feels a twinge of anxiety before giving a talk, they usually do well because that small amount of stress triggers extra adrenalin so the speaker has more energy and is primed for performing. Or a bride at a wedding can really shine because of that extra adrenalin pumped up by all the stress that goes into planning and meeting and greeting dozens of guests.
But when the stress level gets too high it interferes with performance and may even make performance impossible. Instead of pushing the person to peak performance, the extra energy becomes unmanageable and turns into a serious case of nerves. A performance may be blocked.
By the same token, when a person worries about meeting a deadline it can stimulate them to work harder and faster to accomplish what needs to be done. But with too many worries, a person can get caught up in a vicious cycle in which these negative thoughts become the focus of attention and shut out productive thoughts that contribute to the goal. Thus, learning to relax and getting rid of unwanted tension becomes critical for working effectively and having a satisfying, successful life. The key is to watch for signs that one is overly tense or overstressed. Then work on creating an appropriate balance between the slight tensions needed to stimulate an effective performance and the need to be sufficiently relaxed to feel confident, composed, and carry out any task smoothly and efficiently.
In turn, these GWYW techniques can help you apply the relaxation or stress reduction techniques that work for you. These work in tandem with the energy-increasing techniques described in the last chapter. Use those energy enhancers when you need more energy and enthusiasm to drive you to achieve what you want. Use the stress reducers to relax and calm down as a counterbalance to feeling revved up, anxious, tense, or stressed out.
How GWYW Techniques Can Help
The following example illustrates how well the GWYW techniques can help you relax and get rid of unwanted stress. It shows how a hard-driving executive was able to do it, and if someone in a high stress occupation can do it, anyone can.
Dave was a typical Type A executive. Head of marketing and sales for a small communications manufacturing company, he was always rushing from one appointment to another. He was always determined to do everything he could to close whatever deal he was working on at the time. He drove the salespeople he supervised hard, and when someone didn’t make a sale he grilled the person in excruciating detail about what went wrong, making the person feel more like a defendant facing a judge. Likewise, when he failed to make a sale himself or didn’t sell as much as he expected, he mentally chastised himself. Not surprisingly, he not only experienced a high level of turnover in his sales force, but he also often felt like a bundle of nerves when he went out on a sales call. His doctor even warned him he would be a good candidate for an ulcer if he kept going on this way.
Instead, Dave needed to learn how to relax and let go of the day-to-day pressures he felt, which manifested out of his intense fear of failure. His first step in letting go was becoming aware of when he felt particularly anxious and reminding himself to release that tension. To do so he sought to conclude whatever he was doing as quickly as possible and spend some time alone in his office calming himself down. If he was on the road, Dave would park his car in a quiet spot, turn off the radio, and concentrate on quieting his mind.
Using a calming exercise such as described in Chapter One, he then focused on calming down. He took a few minutes to pay attention to his breathing, tightened and released his muscles, or saw himself getting more relaxed as he went down in an elevator. After a few minutes, these relaxation exercises took effect and he felt his tension dissipate. To prevent the anxiety from returning once he went back to work, he asked his inner mind what he needed to do to stay relaxed. He remained in his relaxed, meditative state of mind to ask, Why am I so tense right now? Then he asked, What do I need to do to stay calm?
After he asked each question, he listened for the answer. The response to the first question came quickly: “You must let go of feeling you need to make the sale. You must listen to the customer and then do your best. But do not blame yourself or your salespeople for not succeeding. Just do your best and tell them to do the same. You can’t expect to achieve 100 percent all the time.”
In answer to his second question, the voice in his mind said, “Keep reminding yourself what you must do. Tell yourself you must let go and stop blaming yourself. Tell yourself you must do your best and that’s all you can expect. When you feel tense, tell yourself, I’m relaxed. I’m letting go. I’m doing the best I can. I am relaxed. Keep saying this to yourself for as long as you need to. Then, you’ll calm down and be fine.”
Once he got these answers Dave returned to work repeating these messages to himself, determined to let go, listen, and do his best without feeling he had to succeed. At first he struggled to keep away the usual thoughts about accomplishment that contributed to his anxieties. But gradually, as he repeated these exercises, he found the periods of relaxation and reduced tension lasted longer and longer, until finally even the people around him noticed the change. His salespeople found his disposition sunnier and they felt motivated to work harder. They also performed better as he eased his demands on them. He found his own sales negotiations with customers improved. He was less intense and driven with them so they could feel more relaxed working with him. In turn, as he listened to his customers more and learned more about what they wanted, he was better able to create win-win solutions. The result was more sales and a higher average volume for each one. Dave felt even more confident and relaxed. In time, he no longer needed to use these exercises because the problem had been resolved. However, the GWYW techniques had triggered the initial relaxation and tension reduction that led to his ultimate success.
How to Overcome Stress and Tension
Dave’s story illustrates the basic steps to reducing and eliminating unwanted stress and tension so you can be better primed to get what you want. The basic steps are to calm down using a relaxation technique, understand the source of your stress or tension, decide what you need to do to get rid of this source of tension, and chase away any worries about the problem. Use the following steps to implement this process to help you overcome stress.
Calm Down with a Relaxation Technique
You can use any of the techniques described in Chapter One for this. In addition, develop a trigger for yourself so whenever you feel stress coming on, you can catch yourself and remain calm and relaxed. To create this trigger, end your relaxation exercise with a suggestion that whenever you want to relax, you can bring together the thumb and middle finger of your right hand and repeat to yourself several times, I am calm. I am relaxed. Or create your own triggering device that suggests relaxation to you. During the day whenever you feel under pressure use your trigger to help calm down. Or you can do even more, as will be discussed in later chapters. Suppose you feel stressed because you are going to meet your mother-in-law who is usually very critical. On the way, use your trigger to calm yourself down and again reinforce that message by reminding yourself that you feel calm and relaxed. You might even use the image of a duck with any feelings of tension washing away from the duck’s feathers into the cooling waters of a pond.
The advantage of this relaxation approach is that it helps calm you down and relieves mild symptoms of stress. However, it doesn’t deal with the underlying reasons why you are feeling stressed. So for a deeper, more permanent solution, take additional steps to understand what you are doing to make yourself tense and learn how you can get rid of this source of tension by coming up with alternative actions.
The Source of Your Stress and Tension
To find out the reason you feel tense, get in a relaxed frame of mind and mentally ask yourself why you are so tense, like Dave did. Then listen to whatever thoughts or images immediately pop into your mind. You will find that encouraging this spontaneity will give you insights into your inner feelings and concerns. If you have any difficulty getting a full response to your questions there are two things you can do to spur your inner processes. You can either imagine that you are talking to an inner guide or counselor, or that you are getting the information you seek on a computer console or movie screen. Write down any thoughts or images on a sheet of paper using automatic writing to make your thoughts flow more freely.
How to Get Rid of the Source
Once you have determined the reason for your stress, the next step is asking yourself what you should do about it. When you ask the question about what is making you so tense, put yourself in a receptive frame of mind so you can get the answer from your intuition or inner self, which will have the answers for you on what to do. Now it’s time to ask the second question of what you need to do to stay calm. Again, don’t try to shape your answer consciously, but be receptive to what your inner mind tells you. For more information, ask yourself, What else must I do to stay calm?
As before, the key to communicating with your inner powers is encouraging your inner spontaneity to tell you the information you need to know. Once again, use an inner guide, counselor, screen, or automatic writing to encourage the process if you encounter any resistance to your question. You can use whatever form works best for you. The key is to make it as accessible for you as possible.
Chase Away Any Worries about the Problem
The final step is to chase away any worries and fears about achieving the results you want. These worries are like an internal negative dialogue we have with ourselves where we state everything we can’t do that prevents us from doing something, or we assert our fears about why what we want won’t occur. But such concerns are totally unproductive and do nothing but increase our feelings of stress.
For instance, take that important strategy meeting described earlier. You may already feel anxious and tense because you consider it crucial to make a good impression, but these worries take away your inner confidence that you can do it. Instead, they get you concerned that maybe you can’t, that you won’t be good enough, or that the other people in the meeting may not understand.
Or suppose you are worried about a conversation with your significant other where you want to make some changes in responsibilities around the house. If you get stuck in worrying about how things might go wrong, you might be too afraid to say anything at all, so nothing will change. Or you may become so emotional when you discuss the subject that instead of a constructive process of working together to make changes, you may end up in a screaming battle that makes the problem even worse.
Your worries lead you to churn the situation over and over in your mind because you’re afraid of how the event will turn out and fear the worst. The result is that your worries make you feel terrible and your negative thoughts contribute to the very outcome you fear. If you’re worried you won’t give a good presentation, you probably won’t. You’ll lack the confidence you need and your whole manner will convey the impression that you don’t think you are any good. Furthermore, your worries can interfere with implementing the answers you get about methods to relieve stress just as they can lead you to think these techniques won’t work. Thus, if you’ve got any worries or fears standing in the way of overcoming your feelings of tension, you’ve got to eliminate them. You can do so in four ways:
• Come up with one or more alternatives to deal with the current situation so you can take some action to make changes in the way things are now. Select the alternative you like the most.
• Visualize the outcome you want and your focus on this outcome will help bring about the desired result.
• Remind yourself that you will do it to build confidence.
• Affirm that whatever happens is what should happen, so you can accept what comes and feel satisfied with it.
Depending on the situation, you can use one or a combination of these techniques. When you are done, turn your thoughts to something else unless you have planned to take a specific action, so the inner powers released by your concentration can work within you to help create the change you want. The process is like eliminating the underbrush that is standing in the way of your walking or riding along a path, or getting rid of walls or fences barring your way. To get where you are going quickly and effectively, you’ve got to have a clear path ahead. Read further to find ways of putting these four methods into action to get what you want.
In this technique, imagine that your inner voice is speaking to you in the form of a series of scenes in a movie and you are the director. As you imagine the scene, let the characters come up with events that suggest alternatives you might use to help you attain your objective.
Start by seeing yourself as the director on a film set. You sit in your director’s chair, which is in the same location that you are having your current problem. You are also holding a script that is about this problem. The actors are waiting in the wings for their cue to start playing it out and one of the characters represents you. As you watch for a few moments, the characters act out the events leading up to the present situation. If this is a work problem, the actors will be your boss, work associates, or employees. If you have a family disagreement, imagine yourself talking to other family members. The characters play the scene just as you have remembered it.
As the action comes to the present time, ask yourself, What does the script say I should do now? Then listen to the reply. Your inner voice may have several suggestions that you can try, or it may tell you to wait and relax. If your inner voice is uncertain it means that you should not actively do anything right now to affect the situation. Even if you do not make any movements on the situation, you can still visualize the outcome you want, or affirm your willingness to accept whatever the outcome will be. Whatever the result, feel you can trust your inner voice so there is no need to worry any longer. Then act, wait, or relax as suggested and feel confident that the appropriate outcome will occur.
If you already know the outcome you would like, visualize that occurring to make those results more likely. For example, if you want your coworkers to go along with your suggestions at a meeting, see yourself presenting a forceful argument and see them agreeing with what you say. Meanwhile, as you see this outcome, feel confident it will happen so you can put any worries about the results out of your mind. Whatever the situation is, you can script it in advance and then visualize what you want to happen, which will reinforce your desired goal.
Here’s an example of how you might imagine a better outcome to a current situation. See yourself in a private office at work or at home in your living room. Even if you don’t currently have a private office or living room, imagine that you do and it is very comfortable and quiet. Now, imagine it is the present and you are thinking about the situation that has been bothering you.
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. You get up, answer it, and a messenger hands you an envelope that says URGENT in big red letters. You open the envelope, read the letter, and feel ecstatic because the letter informs you that everything is the way you would like it to be. For the next few minutes concentrate on seeing the desired situation before you. You have exactly what you want.
Remind Yourself You Will Do It
You can also chase away your fears about a task by building up your confidence about doing it. A simple way to do this is to remind yourself during the day that you can and will do whatever you plan to do. Take a few quiet minutes to get calm and centered, and repeat the following mantra to yourself several times with intense concentration, filling in the first blank with an image of what you want to do and filling in the second sentence with an image of actually doing it.
I can do ________. I am doing ________.
The key is to see yourself doing whatever you hope to do now so your inner mind gets used to you doing it. Also, feel a sense of assurance and confidence that you are doing this activity correctly and effectively. Perhaps visualize others being pleased and complimenting you on something you have done, such as writing a good report, giving a good presentation, leading a successful meeting, or persuading your partner to take a vacation where you want to go. You’ll feel better immediately. You’ll be calmer, more relaxed, and less worried about what you have to do. In addition, when it comes time to perform the activity, you’ll do it better because you feel more confident and have already rehearsed it in your mind.
No matter how much you try to actively or mentally influence events, circumstances sometimes may not turn out as you hoped. Yet, in the long run, things often will turn out for the best if you are only patient. Jane was a project supervisor in an ad agency and felt very depressed for several days when she didn’t get a research project assignment after she wrote up a twenty-page proposal for it. But a few weeks later she learned about an even bigger project, and using the information she had put together for her original proposal she was able to turn out an excellent response to the project administrators in record time. They were impressed and she got the job.
One important key to overcoming worries is to realize that often things may seem to go wrong, but you can turn them around or use what happened as a learning experience to create something even better. Another way to think of initially undesirable events is to realize that your wants and needs often differ, and when they do, you usually get what you need.
For example, a person longs for a new job title with additional responsibilities and a new office, but they don’t have sufficient experience to handle the job and would be over their head, and perhaps fired, if promoted right away. Or a person is heartbroken when the person they plan to marry decides to marry someone else, but someone else turns out to be the perfect partner. It is important to develop a feeling of acceptance about whatever happens as well as trying to do your best to achieve your goals. If you feel you have done everything possible to attain a goal but don’t get it, calmly accept the outcome. It is important that you have done your all, and now it’s time to be receptive and patient until the next opportunity presents itself.
The value of this approach is that you align yourself with the flow of events rather than fighting against the current. Further, you are basing your actions on the premise that nothing in the universe happens by coincidence, but rather the universe seems to respond to our needs by providing exactly what we require. Thus, what happens is what should. In turn, if you use this premise to guide your life, you will find everything much easier for you. You’ll still try as hard as you can to attain your goals, but you’ll also feel a sense of satisfaction and completion regardless of what happens, knowing that somehow you can profit from the experience and consider it to be for the best in the long run. The following visualization will help you develop this power of acceptance.
See yourself seated in a park near where you live or work. The sun is shining brightly and it is very quiet and peaceful. You are enjoying a lunch break and you feel calm, relaxed, and receptive to whatever comes.
Now, from the distance some people arrive carrying small wrapped packages tied with ribbons. These people look like they might have come from one of the stores in your neighborhood, and they come to you and hand you the packages as a gift.
As you open each package you find a different present inside. It may be money, an object, or a certificate providing some service to you. Some gifts you want, others you need, and others are unexpected. But as you open each gift, you receive them with equal acceptance and you calmly say to the person who gave it to you, “Thank you, I accept.” Then that person leaves and you receive and open the next package. You continue receiving these gifts until all of the gift bearers have finished giving their gifts to you.
As you get up to leave, remind yourself that these gifts represent the experiences and challenges you encounter in life. And just as you have received and accepted each gift, you must receive and accept each experience that comes. You must participate to the best of your ability and use the experience to learn and grow, but whatever it is, you must learn to accept it. This is the secret of staying calm and relaxed, overcoming stress, and getting rid of worries. You must learn to receive and accept, as well as to achieve and grow.