Getting Rid
of Negative Thinking
Just as negative emotions can be a barrier to getting what you want, so can negative thinking, such as when your inner critical judge puts you down with thoughts of, I’m not good enough to get it. Such thinking can undermine your confidence and cause you to unconsciously sabotage your goal, whatever that may be. In the end your actions prove your thinking.
Likewise, having a negative view of the world where you expect the worst to happen, fear any change, and think things will only get worse will only help to guarantee that things will go wrong. Then when they do it reinforces the “I told you so” attitude. Your negative outlook guides the way you act, which in turn contributes to you not getting what you want. While it can be great to focus on having a positive attitude and convincing yourself that you are on your way to getting what you want, if you have any feelings of ambivalence about whether you can do it or whether that’s really what you want, you can be undermining your own efforts to achieve your objectives. Having negative thoughts about yourself can likewise undermine your confidence and ability to get what you want.
So, if any such negative thoughts or attitudes are holding you back, don’t let them. Just as habits can be broken, blocks to your success can also be eliminated.
Turning Negative Into Positive Thinking for Success
Since negative thinking feeds upon itself, it can be difficult to break the cycle. In fact, many people with a negative outlook feel more comfortable when an obstacle turns up because that not only reinforces their usual attitude, but they can also use the obstacle as an excuse for not achieving their desired goal. Sadly, many people learn to enjoy complaining as a way to gain satisfaction from all the things that go wrong. It’s the “misery loves company” phenomenon—unhappy people look for someone to complain to and then feel better for the support and sharing. When complaining becomes a way of life, the cycle is difficult to break. Complainers don’t realize that their attitude contributes to the many misadventures they experience. Indeed, research shows that a negative attitude can contribute to illness and slow down the healing process, while a positive attitude contributes to wellness and healing. Our attitudes and emotions actually change the chemistry in our brain to make us function more or less effectively.3
Luckily, negative attitudes and thinking can be changed. We can actively intervene to break and change a cycle of negative feelings and experiences—with dramatic positive results. That’s what happened to Madeline. As the youngest child, she had two older brothers who constantly criticized her and she came to think of herself as always being wrong. By extension, she came to view everything around her that way as well. If something hadn’t yet gone wrong in her life, she thought it probably would. She looked for faults in other people and in the world in general. It helped her feel better about herself. Because she was so judgmental and negative she had few friends, and because she found things wrong with others she liked few people, and people, in turn, didn’t like her. She complained of being lonely, never realizing it was she who pushed people away. At the same time, she wondered why her life seemed to go so badly. She worried about what would happen next, believing it would go wrong. She often nixed suggestions for the future, fearing what might happen. Thus, her negativity created blocks in her relationships and cut her off from many opportunities.
But even Madeline was able to change after decades of negative thinking by using assorted techniques to become aware of when she was being negative, stop the chain of negative thinking, and replace these thoughts with positive, motivating ones. Similarly, you can make such changes through awareness, putting the brakes on negativity, and embracing the positive.
Getting Rid of Negative Thoughts and Attitudes
by Reprogramming Yourself
If, like Madeline, you have negative attitudes and patterns that interfere with getting what you want in any area of your life, you can change these attitudes and thoughts with positive personal reprogramming. This technique helps turn negative attitudes and patterns into positive ones. It involves becoming aware of your negative and pessimistic thinking and reminding yourself again and again to shift your orientation. Eventually this new outlook becomes a new positive habit. The basic process is a simple one, though it involves repeated concentration to reinforce the desired change until it becomes automatic. The following techniques illustrate ways you can stop your negative thinking and turn the negatives into positives. While I’ve incorporated symbols and suggestions that have worked for me, what’s important are the principles underlying these techniques. Feel free to adapt and change them to incorporate what feels comfortable for you.
Stop Negative Thinking with a Trigger
One way to eliminate negative thinking is with a trigger or cue. Each time you feel a negative emotion such as anger, fear, dislike, or boredom, the trigger makes you aware of the feeling. Then, recognizing the feeling, detach yourself from it, remind yourself you are in control of your feelings, and act to make a change. Just about anything can be a trigger—an object, a word, or a physical motion. One motion that is easy to use is a special, but unnoticeable, hand gesture. Simply touch your thumb to your third finger as a reminder that you are feeling something negative and that you want to get rid of or transform that feeling. The advantage of an unobtrusive hand movement is that you can use it immediately wherever you are, whereas an object may not always be accessible and a word might be blotted out by your negative thoughts. But feel free to use whatever works for you. The key is to build up an association between that physical movement, object, or word so whenever you use it, it blocks your negative feeling and thinking.
To build this association, practice conditioning yourself to make a connection between the trigger and paying attention to a negative feeling. One way to create this association is to take a few minutes each day for about a week or two to focus on the trigger you want to use to alert yourself to a negative feeling. First you must decide on your trigger. Then take a minute to concentrate on this gesture, object, or word and associate it with any negativity you are experiencing, and remind yourself that whenever you are experiencing any negativity you will immediately pull this trigger. Then when you pull this trigger you will be able to remove yourself from the negative feeling you are experiencing. Use your trigger and say to yourself, I don’t want to feel this way.
To build up the association and practice using your trigger, think of something that annoys you, makes you angry, or makes you feel negative in any way. Then, as soon as this thought comes to you, pull your trigger and notice that your trigger stops the negative thought. Try another negative thought or image, and again pull the trigger. Do this a few more times and tell yourself that in the future any time you experience anything negative you will pull the trigger to make yourself aware, so you can step outside that feeling and stop it. Once you have built this association, whenever you feel negative about something simply pull the trigger and stop the feelings and thoughts.
Say you feel yourself getting angry in a confrontation with someone and you’re about to hurl an insult or you feel like hitting the person. Use your trigger instead. You’ll feel a sense of detachment and will calm down. Or say you are feeling sad and depressed. Pull the trigger to step outside yourself and detach from those unhappy feelings. To help you gain this detachment, remind yourself that those feelings are separate from you and that you can control them, but that you can now do something different to make the bad feelings go away. As soon as you sense negative feelings coming on, pull the trigger to stop those feelings from coming and send them away.
Clear Out Negativity with Mental Cleansing
Once you realize you are experiencing negative feelings or thoughts, or are around someone who is negative, you can get rid of those negative experiences with a simple mental cleansing technique. Initially a physical action works well since it is more concrete and dramatic. Later, you can create a visualization of yourself cleaning out this negativity. You can use this visualization at any time, unlike a physical gesture that might be out of place. Practice this technique for a week or two until it becomes second nature. Then repeat this exercise whenever you want to physically cleanse yourself of negative feelings.
Stand or sit up straight. Imagine you are in a shower and run your hands over the top of your head and down your neck. As you do this motion, imagine that you are cleaning off any negativity you are experiencing. Feel that negativity coming out of you and into your hands. Take your hands away from your neck and shake out the negativity. Imagine it dissipating into the air and disappearing. Repeat this process a few times—move your hands from the top of your head to your neck then shake them out in a quick, sweeping gesture. Each time you do, more and more negativity is drawn away from you and disappears into the air.
Next, take your right hand and sweep it down your left shoulder and left arm. As you do, imagine any negativity within you going into your hand and shake it out. Feel the negativity being shaken away. Now, take your left hand and sweep it down your right shoulder and right arm and shake that negativity away too. Repeat this process a few times so you feel all the negativity drawn away from these parts of your body.
Finally, using your right hand sweep any negativity from your left side and thigh and down to your knee. Using your left hand, sweep any negativity from your right side and thigh down to your knee. Repeat these steps a few times. When you’re finished you should feel clean and refreshed and all the negativity should be gone.
Turn Your Negatives into Positives
Another way to get rid of negative attitudes and feelings, once you have identified them, is to turn them around by asking yourself what you can do to create the opposite positive outlook or feeling. Suppose you feel discouraged because you failed to get a desired job or promotion. Instead of feeling discouraged, ask yourself what you can do to change that feeling. For example, in a relaxed state ask yourself, What can I do to build myself up? Or, What can I do to feel a sense of accomplishment? After asking your question, remain in this relaxed state and listen for an answer, and do it—or imagine yourself doing it.
In some cases, the response to your question will be something you realistically can do and it makes sense to do it. If you can’t reasonably act on the response, however, visualize yourself doing it. The effect will be much the same and your negative feelings will drain away, transformed by your creative positive thinking. The following exercise will help you make this transformation. Practice the process and later you can use it in response to any situation in which you feel negative.
Find a quiet place where you can be alone. If you are experiencing negative feelings about anything in your life now, practice using those feelings. Otherwise, think of a negative incident in your past.
Concentrate on the experience for a minute or two and ask yourself, What bothers me about the incident? Or, What makes me feel so bad about what happened? Listen to the answer. Whatever happened, identify the basic problem causing the negative feelings. Then ask yourself one or more of the following questions:
• What can I do to turn the situation around?
• What can I do to feel better?
• How would I do things differently if I did it again?
• What can I learn from what happened to make things better in the future?
The particular situation will determine what question to ask, or you may want to ask several questions. Then, without trying to consciously answer the question, listen to your inner voice. It will tell you what you need to do. It may take some time to get an answer, but be patient. Just listen and wait for something to come. If nothing comes, repeat your question or try a different one. When you get your answer, if it’s something you can and want to do, do it immediately or as soon as possible. Taking this action will help you turn your negative feelings into positive ones. If the answer is something you can’t or don’t want to do, visualize yourself doing it.
In either case, this exercise will help you release the negative feelings you have built up around a situation and will help you create new, more positive feelings around the experience you have put in its place. Then, this more positive outlook will help you in getting what you want.
Affirming Negatives Away
Another way to get rid of negative thoughts and feelings is with positive affirmations—positive statements made in the present tense to assert that something is so, such as, I’m skilled and confident and know I will reach my goal. When you use affirmations, choose those that are as opposite to the negative thought or feeling you are experiencing as possible. You’ll find they’re a quick remedy that you can use at any time, unlike visualizations, which require more time and an opportunity to be alone.
To make affirmations most effective, repeat them to yourself again and again so they become etched in your unconscious, or inner mind, and become part of you. You might want to write them on cards and put them in your wallet, in a desk drawer, on a mirror, on a wall, or in another place where you will see them regularly. Here are some affirmations you can use to counter typical negative situations. You can use these or create your own to counteract something negative you have experienced.
• I feel enthusiastic, excited, and upbeat.
• I feel optimistic and certain I will get what I want.
• I know exactly what I am doing. I feel completely confident and sure about myself.
• I know I have the power to earn all the money I need.
• I have some great people and associates around me.
• I know I am doing a good job and others will recognize my contributions.
• I will complete everything I need to do in time to make the deadline.
• I like my job and find the work interesting and challenging.
• I know I am making/have made the right choice. I don’t have to apologize for my choice to anyone or feel guilty for having made it. I am doing/have done the right thing.
As an added bonus, use affirmations even when you don’t feel negative to increase your feelings of confidence, recommit yourself to a goal, strengthen your sense of personal identity, and generally feel upbeat.
You can use these affirmations by themselves or combine them with other techniques, such as a trigger or a cleansing technique. The advantage of combining these approaches is that after you have acted to stop or chase away the negativity, you add something positive to fill the gap created by its absence, making the negativity less likely to return.
3. Bill D. Moyers, Healing and the Mind (New York: Doubleday, 1993).