I wake up to an earthquake until I open my eyes and see it’s just a little boy in Spiderman footie pajamas jumping on my bed.
“Hi, Ethan.”
“Hi—” I yawn “—Os.” Because this has to be Bauer’s son. They’d all been asleep when we got in last night. I’d only stayed awake long enough to plug in my phone using the charger he leant me.
“I’m supposed to check and see if you’re awake and if you are do you want pancakes.”
Considering I haven’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, pancakes sound real good right about now. “I could eat.”
Os leap-spins off the bed in a move worthy of Peter Parker himself, and sprints down the hall yelling, “He’s awake and he wants pancakes!”
The second the door shuts, I grab my phone.
No messages from Rebecca but there are a ton from Neel.
Neel:
You didn’t talk to Rebecca?
Neel:
I know I called you a dick before, but seriously?
Neel:
DICK.
Neel:
Also I wasn’t trying to steal your cat.
Neel:
Who incidentally is also a dick.
I swipe over to my texts with Rebecca, my thumbs hovering over the keyboard.
She knows I’m gone by now and Neel or my grandparents will have told her enough to understand why.
She won’t know my phone died so she’ll think I just didn’t care enough to tell her, that I took off without saying goodbye. Again.
She’ll think I didn’t care about hurting her.
Shit.
What do I say to her? I’ve never left and then reached out after. I always severed that part of my life when my mom took me away and then, when I came back, Rebecca and I just got to be happy and forget all about the hurt.
I drop my phone on the bed and cradle my head.
I don’t think happy is gonna happen like it used to, if it ever really did, and I can’t even blame anyone else for causing it this time.
Leaving yesterday was my choice. I can only try and hide from that fact for so long. I chose to keep going. I chose not to say goodbye. I chose to break that promise.
I pick up my phone again and start typing.
Me:
I messed up. I got word about my mom and I panicked and made a whole bunch of decisions without thinking about anything else and then my phone died. I’m with Bauer and we know where she is, or where she’s gonna be in a day or two. After that I’m coming back.
Me:
I’m not gone, okay? I’ll text you more when I can.
I send it then wait, and when there’s no response right away, I tell myself she must still be asleep.
“Ethan!” a little voice yells. “Mom said to tell you breakfast is ready!”
“I said go tell him, not to yell through the house like a wild animal,” a woman’s quieter voice says.
I look at the phone again then force myself to set it down and walk into the kitchen where I find Bauer’s very pregnant wife, Tara, at the griddle.
“Um, hi. Morning.”
Tara, a petite woman with short dark curls and a light olive complexion, smiles at me from over her shoulder and wipes her hands on a towel then comes over to hug me before I can even think to back up. “It’s so great to meet you. Bauer hasn’t stopped talking about you since you two reconnected. He’s so glad you’re here.”
“Oh yeah. Where is Bauer?”
“Walking the dog.” She moves back to the stove. “I know, you’re probably thinking he’s a line cook so he’s the one who should be flipping pancakes.” One golden brown circle gets added to a fluffy stack beside her. “But Bauer’s the dinner guy. I do breakfast most mornings,” she continues, before directing me to sit at a tiled table. “Plus, I figured you might want a few minutes before he attacked you again.” She smiles. “I love him but he’s a lot.”
Understatement.
She sets the pancakes in front of me along with a warmed bottle of syrup. “Juice—” she points to the fridge “—coffee—” she points to the counter. “Help yourself.”
“Thanks.” My stomach growls audibly, pushing all other thought from my brain. I’m about to start shoveling food into my mouth when I reflexively think of my grandmother and force myself to wait until both Os and Tara are sitting too. Then I start shoveling.
“Bauer’s said you always ate a lot,” Tara says, though not really to me, more like an observation.
The bite of pancake in my mouth turns hard as I try to swallow it down. What exactly had Bauer told her about me? About how he knew me? How do you persuade your wife to let an old girlfriend’s kid stay in your house?
Bauer comes in then leading a massive dog that looks part horse but wags its tail like a puppy. I lose what’s left of my appetite as I’m forced to watch him greet his family with kisses and questions about their plans for the day. A far cry from my faded memories of him with my mom. They mostly argued about money and the fact that there was never any food in the house. He usually only had one thing on his mind even when he could pretend otherwise.
I get more of a reserved greeting when he looks to me. “Ethan. Mattress okay for you?”
“Fine. Good.” I didn’t notice one way or another. All I want to do now is ask about my mom and if Jensen’s sister has called yet. But I’m not sure I can do that in front of Tara.
Os announces he has to poop and tears out of the room as Bauer sits and starts forking a plate of pancakes for himself. “I didn’t get to introduce you last night but this is my Tara.”
“Oh, we’ve already been chatting,” Tara tells him before looking over at me. “You know you really should call your grandparents. I’m sure they are as worried about Joy as they are about you.”
Bauer catches the shocked look on my face and between bites says, “Oh, she knows everything.” He stabs his fork in my direction. “Don’t keep secrets from your partner. Fastest way to ruin a relationship.”
Rebecca’s face flits through my mind.
When I think about what might happen after we get the phone call and find my mom, the pancakes in my stomach threaten to come back up.
So I’m not. Thinking beyond the call. Beyond finding out where my mom is and making sure she’s okay.
Everything else has to come after.
He smiles at Tara and she smiles back until he adds, “Hard to believe she used to be a cokehead, huh?”
Tara hangs her head in her hands. “You did not just say that.”
“What?” Bauer says. “He’s known plenty of cokeheads.”
Just then there’s a yell from Os. “Mom! Can you help me wipe my butt?”
Tara pushes back from the table. “Maybe talk about the embarrassing and regrettable parts of your past while I’m gone, hmm?”
Os yells again and Tara calls in a singsong voice that she’s coming.
“To be clear,” Bauer says, “she’s not a cokehead anymore.”
I nod. “I gathered.”
Bauer inhales two more pancakes before he notices that I’m not eating with him and sets his fork down. “Listen kid. There’s some stuff I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Amends and everything. I could have done a lot better by you.” He glances down the hall. “I look at Os and he’s not my blood, but he’s my heart, you understand?”
“Bauer, you don’t have to—”
“No, no.” He holds a hand out. “You wouldn’t let me send you books and you said no to getting you a bike, which I get since maybe you don’t like riding bikes anymore, but hell, you barely let me give you a place to stay last night. Please let me do this.”
I sigh because I know he’s not gonna give up. “But not here, okay?” He may be comfortable with his wife knowing everything about him but I’m not. “Let’s go for a drive.”