“So,” Rebecca asks, once we’re in my car on our way home after dinner. “What’d you think of Amelia and Mathias?”
I can tell she’s nervous about my response because she hasn’t stopped running her hands over her knees. These are people who are important in her life and it feels good to know that I am too. “I liked them.”
“Did you really?”
I have to bite back a laugh because she notices how fast she’s rubbing her palm on her thigh and jerks it away. “Really. I mean Amelia talked about you the whole time and Mathias talked about painting. What’s not to like?”
A hint of a smile touches Rebecca’s face. “She didn’t only talk about me.”
She kind of did. Some were embarrassing stories but mostly I could tell how proud she was of Rebecca. “She thinks a lot of you.”
Still smiling, Rebecca glances down at her lap. “I think a lot of her too.”
I hear a ding and Rebecca pulls her phone out of her bag, reads something on the screen and laughs before turning it to show me. “Looks like you were a hit with them too. Amelia said Mathias wants to have you over for a play date this week.”
“A what?”
Rebecca taps out a response. “He’s gonna text you tomorrow about coming by his studio next time you’re free. Apparently, he’s very excited to show off his paint brushes.”
“Really?” I say, my voice pitching higher than I mean it too. “Oh yeah, that’d be great.” I hadn’t gotten to look around as much as I would have wanted when Rebecca and I dyed our hair and I hadn’t wanted to disappear on Rebecca tonight when Matthias offered to give me a better look after dinner. “He started telling me about how he painted the hangar and giving me some tips about larger scale murals. It’d be good to, you know, hear some more.”
There’s something soft about the smile Rebecca gives me. I feel it deep in my chest and have to fight not to look away.
Before I can stop her, Rebecca leans over in the car and hugs me, doubling that warm pressure in my chest and enveloping me in the scent of the chocolate cake we had for dessert. I can’t stop myself from wondering if she’ll taste—
“Ethan, it’d be great.” Rebecca’s smile rivals the sun when she beams at me. “Oh, I’m so happy right now.”
She sits back, regrettably breaking that last physical link. The space between us does clear my head though and allow me to focus on her words.
I don’t know what will come from hanging out with Mathias, but I’m more than okay with how it makes her smile at me. For now it’s enough.
“Maybe you can show him some of your sketches?”
I make a noncommittal gesture, not wanting to admit the only other person who even knows they exist is her.
“I didn’t even hear you guys talking about all that.”
“It was while you and Amelia were in the kitchen.” And with one single comment, I turn off the sun. “You were kind of quiet after that.”
She shifts in her seat but there isn’t anywhere to go, so finally she looks over at me. “I haven’t told her about my mom wanting me to go away for college, but she knows I’m keeping something from her.”
“You should tell her.” I don’t know Amelia all that well, but I know enough to trust that she would encourage Rebecca to talk to her mom.
Her head leans from side to side in half acknowledgment. “Amelia likes to push me, which is good, I know, but sometimes she pushes so hard.” She fiddles with her ring, sliding it almost off before pushing it back on. “I know what she’d say, but it’s not as simple as you make it sound.”
I don’t remember ever thinking it was simple much less saying it. “Has your mom ever been to the shop and actually watched you?” I’ve only been a few times, but it’s like watching something grow and bloom before my eyes. No one could see her there and doubt that she was made for it.
“Not really.” She tries to smile but it’s weak and I’m not about to let this go.
“Then show her. I mean if there was a chance that she’d see and understand, why not take that?”
She doesn’t look at me when she answers. “Because there’s a chance she won’t see at all. Or she will and it won’t change anything. She’ll still want me gone.”
The defeat in her voice stabs right through my heart. “What about what you want?”
Rebecca lifts one shoulder like she’s talking about something small when in reality it couldn’t be bigger. “I want her to want me to stay. To forgive me.”
I ease to a stop at a light and close my eyes. I know that kind of want, that all-consuming desire for another person to set you free, but I don’t know how to give it to her any more than I know how to get it for myself.
“It’s coming up, you know, the anniversary.” She winces slightly at that word; it so often means something to celebrate when in this case...not at all. “Some people like me call it a life day. Like it’s the anniversary of the day we survived something that should have killed us. They have parties and everything.”
I don’t need to ask to know that’s not something she wants. That day will always be more than the day she survived.
“I’d give anything to go back and be here with you,” I say, surprising us both with my words.
She stares at me a long time until I feel her gaze like a brand before saying, “You can be here for this one.” It’s almost hesitant the way she says it, like she’s not sure she really means it.
“Yeah?”
She nods, then nods again with more conviction. “I don’t, um, it’s a hard day. My mom, she kind of deals with it in her own way, so it’s just been me, you know?” Her words trip out, stumbling in places, but she keeps going. “But if you were here, maybe—”
“Yeah. I mean yeah.” I agree readily even though I know I don’t fully understand what I’m committing to. Except that it’s her.
“Okay then. Good.” She gives me a smile that is hard fought and I can feel her struggling to keep all the pieces of herself together. So I don’t even think before reaching out for her hand and wrapping it tight in mine.
She squeezes back.