I let myself into my grandparents’ house quietly, not so quiet that I’m trying to sneak in, but quiet enough to give them the option of pretending not to hear me if they don’t want to.
The door to their bedroom creaks open before I’m halfway across the living room. My grandfather appears first, already in his suit for the wedding with his tie loosely hanging around his shoulders. My grandmother is right behind him, her makeup and hair done but still in her robe.
I glance down at my own clothes, old boots, dirty jeans, a T-shirt I got from Bauer smeared with paint and the coffee I’d drunk all night to stay awake. Not exactly wedding attire.
I let Old Man out hours ago but I am surprised to see him chowing down on a fresh can of cat food in the kitchen. I guess that explains their lack of shock at seeing me.
“I know I should have called, but I didn’t and I don’t have to stay if you don’t—”
“Of course you’re staying.” My grandmother slides a step toward me. “This is your home.” My grandfather gives her a look and she adds, “If you want it to be.”
I start to run a hand through my hair, realize it doesn’t look any better than the rest of me, and shove it into my pocket instead. “I said a lot of stuff before.” I eye my grandfather. “I can’t unsay any of it.”
“Then I’ll talk this time,” he says. “You have a right to be mad for a lot of things that happened to you growing up, for the things we chose to keep from you. If you stay, you have our promise that we’ll tell you everything from now on. And you can tell us about anything you want us to know, even the things that hurt us. But you also need to know that we tried everything short of kidnapping you to keep you safe, and it’s on me and the sins of my past that we never could. But I promise you this, if we’d known what was happening, we’d have run with you as fast and as far as we could.” He lifts a hand slowly to rest on my shoulder and squeezes. “Not a force on earth could have stopped us.”
I nod, a fast jerky movement.
“Ethan, can you forgive us?”
I can’t look up. I don’t want him to see what I can feel building in my eyes even as I say yes.
“Did you find your mother?”
I nod again and feel his hand squeeze tighter. “She’s not—she wouldn’t come with me. So I had to—”
His other arm comes around me, pulling me in, holding on to me the same way he did when my mom first left me here all those years ago. I struggle this time too, only not to get away.
“You had to let her go,” he finishes for me.
I can’t help it; I jerk as though I’ve been struck hearing those words. I’ve never had a day where I didn’t think about her, worry about her above everything else.
“It doesn’t mean you don’t love her,” my grandmother says from beside me and I feel the warmth of her hand on my back. “It’s not giving up—it’s understanding that you can’t fight this for her. We always pray, always hold out hope. And when the day comes when she is ready to fight, you won’t be the only one ready to help her.”
They hold me a long time and I let them.
The suit my grandfather lends me isn’t a great fit. I’m a little taller than he is and he’s a little wider. Old Man likes the tie though, based on the way he keeps leaping up to bat at it.
I thought about keeping my Docs on. Grandpa offered me shoes that look like they’ll fit, but I feel like my old boots still have some wear in them. And they make me think about my mom, about good days we’ve had and maybe even good ones to come.
Someday.
Today though, I put on the dress shoes then have to fend off my grandfather and something he calls mousse that he keeps trying to put in my hair, before hurrying next door as a small crowd of about thirty people are taking their seats in Rebecca’s backyard.
I find a spot next to Amelia and Mathias. He makes eye contact with me and I give him a nod then immediately start bouncing my foot when my grandparents sit on my other side wedging me in. I crane my neck to look back for the dozenth time, but there’s still no sign of Rebecca. I don’t know if she talked to her mom or not, how her mom responded, or even if Rebecca’s still here. If it went badly, could she bring herself to still be part of the wedding?
John is no help. He’s already up front next to the minister and his brother with a nervous, excited look on his face. I’m guessing he took the whole no-seeing-the-bride-before-the-wedding thing to heart. I spin the ring on my thumb around and around. I can only look at the flowers—which are spectacular since Good & Green provided them—for so long. I start to stand up but Amelia plunks Luis onto my lap.
“Sit down, lover boy. The last thing she needs is you running through the house looking for her. Have a little faith.”
Luis immediately pulls my hair, hard, and laughs.
“Cute kid,” I mutter.
Amelia beams at her son. I keep bouncing my leg to get rid of the excess energy spooling inside me. I start when John’s friend begins playing acoustic guitar up front. “What does that mean?” I whisper.
But I don’t need her to answer because Layla is doing her flower girl walk, dropping fresh rose petals all the way down the aisle. The second she’s done, Amelia and I both wrench our necks around to stare back into the house’s open door. She’s just as eager to see Rebecca as I am.
“Faith, huh?” I say to her.
“Shut up.”
The doorway stays empty.
I’ve never been to a wedding before, but I know the bridesmaids are supposed to proceed down the aisle followed by the bride with her father. Rebecca had told me that her mom’s parents had died years ago and her mom wasn’t planning on having anyone walk her down the aisle in her father’s place, so either way one person needs to appear in that doorway: Rebecca if things went okay, and her mom if they didn’t.
Twenty-seconds left.
Ten.
Amelia takes Luis from me with a little nod.
I push to my—
The music changes to the processional and two people appear in the doorway.
The bride rests her hand on Rebecca’s shoulder and hope-fueled smiles light both their faces.