It’s early when I slip down the hall and out the front door, early but not early enough. Bauer is sitting on the porch step with a mug of coffee in one hand and a second steaming one beside him. He doesn’t even look back when I open the door.
“You never could sleep in, even as a kid.”
I hesitate then sit, setting down the actual cat carrier Tara got for me with Old Man grumbling inside, and pick up the other mug. “Don’t all kids wake up early?”
“Tara’s had to spritz Os in the face with a water bottle to get him up before.”
I laugh into my mug.
“So you saw the message?”
“You’re not the only one who can pay neighbors.” I’d gotten it late last night after my call with Rebecca. I thought about leaving then, but for whatever reason, maybe this reason, I waited.
“And you were just gonna take off? No goodbye for your old man?”
I take a sip of coffee. “It’s how you left.” He can’t deny that though I don’t feel any better for having brought it up.
His gaze snags at the bag by my feet. “Not coming back, huh?”
It’s obvious that I’m not. “Come on, Bauer, what do you want from me?”
“Hell if I know. Something? Anything? I’m not exactly going by a book here.”
And I am? Bauer was never my dad. Just ’cause he’s clean now doesn’t mean all the neglected parts of his old life suddenly fit together with his new one, no matter how hard he tries to make them.
“For what it’s worth coming from me, you’re a good kid. Not because of anything I did, and don’t take offense here—” he holds his hands out palm out “—not ’cause of anything your mom did either. You’re gonna be a good man too.” He taps his temple. “I can see these things now that I’m not tripping balls 24/7.”
I let out a short laugh. But then it’s not funny anymore. And I have to ask him, even if I can’t look at him when I do. “How’d you do it?”
“You mean where’s my magic pill and can I give you one for Joy?” He sips his coffee. “All I can tell you is one day I woke up and I wanted to stop more than I wanted to use. There was maybe this much difference between the two.” He holds up his thumb and index finger so there’s only the slightest sliver of sunlight peeking through. “It didn’t completely stick from that day on, but I started fighting again, started getting help, the hard kind I said I never needed.” He lowers his coffee and gazes down at his reflection in the liquid. “And I looked at myself in the mirror and stopped saying that I was fine.”
I glance down at my own coffee and the image of myself.
“It’s not easy,” he adds, “and it’s not a battle anyone else can fight for you. It also never ends, but I think maybe that’s enough reality for this morning.”
Especially this morning. I set my coffee down. “Say bye to Os and Tara for me?”
He nods and watches me stand. “You gonna let me come with you?”
“Not this time.” It’s gonna be hard enough by myself.
He grabs on to that, rising to stand too. “But sometime? You and me again, there’ll be a sometime?”
I honestly don’t know if I want that from him and I’m not going to lie. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
He takes a step toward me, almost like he’s gonna... I tense and move back. He nods a little, dropping one arm and extending the other.
Shaking hands with my father. It’s as much of a trip as I ever want to experience. “Take care, Bauer.”
“Hey,” he says, just as I reach the last step. “Is it okay if I call you sometime? On the phone, you know? Not like—” he gestures to himself and the way he’s raising his voice. “We could talk about books or something, or anything that’s going on in your life. You’re working with plants and stuff now, right? Maybe you could help me with the backyard.”
I glance past him, imagining the largely blank space behind his house and without even meaning to I start mentally overlaying circles all around, a bubble chart forming in my brain that I know I’ll have to create when I get—when I get wherever I end up. My grandfather would know what to do with that heavily shaded area in the right corner and whether we’d need to put up a retention wall along the sloped back. Something colorful by the back door, fruit trees along the sides. The ideas tumble over me one right after the other until my fingers are twitching with the need to draw it all.
“And when your sister is born,” he adds, oblivious to the thoughts in my head, “you’ll want to hear about that.”
A sister. Family beyond the only person I thought I’d ever have. “Sure, that’d be okay.”
Bauer stays out on the porch watching me until my car fades from sight. I don’t think I’ve ever had somebody see me off before. It makes that spot between my shoulders itch, but not entirely in a bad way.
But then I can’t think about Bauer or half sisters anymore, I can’t think about anything anymore because I’m going to see my mom and I know she’s not going to be waiting outside for me with a steaming cup of coffee.