Rebecca’s hand finds my chest and she shoves just before my lips touch hers, sending me toppling into the pool.
When I surface all her features are pinched together in shock. Before I take a single stroke back toward her, she’s scooting down a foot to where she left her wheelchair and lifting her legs out of the water.
“Wait, you’re leaving now? We’re not even going to talk about it?”
The glare she shoots at me halts me dead in the water. “Talk? Is that what you did?”
“I thought you wanted me to kiss you!”
She pauses, her knees drawn up to her chest with her arms bent on the lounger behind her, ready to lift herself up. A look of pain flashes across her face before she hardens it again. “You’re not staying!”
“Yeah, but—”
She’s moving again, up on the lounger in record time and reaching to throw her towel over her wheelchair. “There’s no but, Ethan.”
“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Just stop for one second.” She’s moving too fast and I still don’t understand what was so wrong about kissing her when she wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss her...she did, right? I’m wrong about so much all the time but I can’t be wrong about her... I can’t.
“You think I wouldn’t stay if I could? That if I ever had a single choice in my entire life it wouldn’t be you?” I scoff, half laughing through the sound. “I don’t get to choose anything except right now, with you. Why can’t that be enough?”
She hesitates before transferring into her chair, finally giving me a look that doesn’t feel like a blow. “See, that’s a question you should be asking before you try and kiss me.”
I scramble out of the pool. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you when I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I wasn’t thinking about that in the pool just now.”
She turns her head and laughs. “That’s your answer? You weren’t thinking?”
“I may be the high school dropout over here, but yeah. The truth seemed like a good idea to me.” My chin hits my chest, and I sigh before I can meet her gaze again. “I don’t know what I’m saying except I wanted to kiss you and I thought you wanted that too.” Her cheeks flush red and I know that at least part of her wanted exactly what I did. “It’s different now, from when we were kids. I couldn’t see it at first, but it’s the only thing I can see now.”
Her voice is like a whisper. “What is?”
It’s now or never. “You and me,” I say, as her eyes slowly shutter closed. “And okay, yeah, my timing sucks. I should have said something sooner, but as we’ve established, I’m not that smart—”
“Stop it,” she says, voice still soft, so that’s something in my favor. “I hate when you do that. You’re not stupid. Not even a little bit.”
Then why do I feel so dumb right now?
“It doesn’t change anything, you know?” she says. “That part will always be the same, just like when we were kids. You come and it’s good, better than good. But every time you leave it hurts so much more. This?” She gestures between us. “Is just going to make it worse. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to you either. Can’t you see that?”
My spine stiffens. “So I’m not capable of seeing things like you are?”
She rapid blinks. “No, you’re used to giving your whole self up for another person. You don’t know how to let go even when it hurts you. I’m not going to let you do that for me.” She lowers her gaze to her lap and there’s a long, long moment of silence before she says anything.
And it’s not what I want her to say.
She doesn’t tell me she’s been feeling the same way.
She doesn’t promise that we’ll find a way.
She doesn’t ask me to kiss her again.
“Ethan.” And just from the way she says my name, I know it’s over.