MAURA

After how we ended things on Wednesday, I remained frustrated with Ethan for the rest of the week. Had he been right to tell me no? I had started to question my morality, which was a first. I didn’t want to see him for Adoration that Friday, but not going would just be another strike against me in his eyes. I sought solace in the fact that Adoration didn’t require any talking. I wasn’t so irritated that I couldn’t sit next to him and pray in silence for an hour or two. Who knew? Maybe praying would make me less upset about the whole situation.

It didn’t.

“You want to go grab some ice cream or something?” Ethan asked as we walked to his car afterwards.

“I’m not really hungry.”

It was the truth. Guilt was the best appetite suppressant. We drove back to my apartment in silence. Once we parked, the silence continued.

“So, are we going to talk about Wednesday?” he started the conversation. “I feel like you’re mad at me, even though I didn’t do anything wrong.”

This was a bold way to start off reconciling with a girlfriend. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to agree with him, but I didn’t think I could stand my ground arguing that I was justified in being mad at him.

“Maura, I love you. What I said from the beginning about not wanting to make any mistakes is true. I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I’m tempted to act unchaste. I figured most women would appreciate that respect.”

I didn’t respond.

“Do you not?”

“No,” I sighed, “I mean, yes, I do appreciate it, but…” I stopped, not knowing what else to say. Telling him it was important for me to fall asleep next to him before we were married seemed trivial now.

“I just don’t think you understand how hard it is for a guy to hold back in certain situations. And I’ve never dated anyone who’s asked me to compromise like you did on Wednesday night.”

“I’m sorry,” I said reflexively, but I wasn’t sure if I was or even should be sorry.

“It’s fine, I believe you had pure intentions,” he assured me. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page before we move forward.”

He looked at me expectantly. I found myself nodding. I mean, I had never had anyone take a stand to protect my chastity before. Wasn’t I supposed to want that?

“So, no more requests for sleepovers?” he verified.

I nodded again.

He took my hand. “You know, if you weren’t so beautiful, none of this would be a problem.”

I gave him a small smile.

“Can I take you out tomorrow?” he asked.

“I told my mom I would spend the weekend with her.” I was relieved we would have a little bit of a break, a chance to reset from this whole experience.

“You know, I would love to spend more time getting to know your parents,” he cajoled, fishing for an invite.

“You’ve met my parents.”

“Just at Mass. That doesn’t give me much opportunity to gather embarrassing stories about you as a child,” he reasoned.

“Well, my dad is on a fishing trip this weekend, so it’s strictly a mother-daughter day,” I explained. “You can come to dinner with us in a couple weeks for my birthday,” I offered.

“That’s right, your birthday is coming up,” he reflected. “Have you thought about what you want?”

“No, not really.” I never expected anything from anyone beyond wishing me a happy birthday.

“Hmmm, interesting.” He sounded like he doubted me. “Good thing I’ve already gotten your present,” he said enticingly.

“Well, are you going to give me any clues?” I was not above ruthlessly trying to guess surprises before they were revealed.

“Um,” he pretended to think, “no.”

“Come on, you can’t tell me you have it two weeks ahead of time and then not offer any clues.” This was sound logic to me.

“Why yes, I believe I can,” he countered playfully.

If it had been a week ago, I would have kissed him. But now I worried he would judge me for using physical affection to persuade him. I resorted to staring him down.

“Let’s just say you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” he offered vaguely, leaning in to kiss me goodnight. I was relieved that the kiss wasn’t as reserved as when we’d first started dating. I felt my shoulders relax for the first time all night and had a genuine smile on my face when he broke away.

***

Despite having to answer a barrage of questions about Ethan from my mother – the most annoying being whether I thought he was “the one” – I was genuinely happy to spend my Saturday with her. It had been a while since we’d had a full day to ourselves. We filled it with shopping and getting pedicures. After feeling like a subpar girlfriend and Christian for the last few days, it was nice to be around somebody who loved me unconditionally.

My mom absolutely hated it when my dad spent the night away, so it was no surprise when she suggested that I spend the night at home. Normally, I would’ve argued that that was silly because I was a grown-up now, but I knew I needed mothering just as much as she needed the company.

“I bought your favorite ice cream and already put some sparkling wine in the refrigerator,” she exclaimed once we got back to the house. As always, she had been expecting me.

“What should we watch tonight?”

I shrugged, not feeling particularly picky because no matter what we watched, I’d be eating ice cream.

“Oh, I know! Daddy got me Seven Brides for Seven Brothers for our anniversary and I haven’t been able to watch it yet.”

This was what I got for letting her pick. It was unfair to complain now. Don’t get me wrong, I like musicals, I just was not a fan of that one in particular. It must have been that it was basically an ad in favor of Stockholm syndrome. Who cares if a man kidnaps you? As long as he puts a ring on it, everything’s peachy.

“Sounds good,” I smiled for her benefit.

We settled in on the couch with our ice cream and sparkling wine. I tried to estimate how long it would take before we both fell asleep. I checked the time on my phone and saw a text from Thomas.

It was odd that he would text me on a Saturday night, especially since I had consistently been turning down his offers to hang out. He had sent a picture of his seats at the Mariners game with a message gloating about how close to home plate he was. I sent him a sarcastic response about Seven Brides for Seven Brothers being equally awesome.

“Who’s that? Is it Ethan?” my mother asked excitedly.

“Uh, no, it’s just Thomas.” I put my phone back down. I should have lied and said it was Sydney.

“O’Hollaren?” Her expression confirmed I should have followed my instinct and lied.

“Yeah, he’s just gloating about having good seats at the Mariners game.” I hoped that my nonchalant tone would calm her down.

“I’m so glad you guys finally became friends,” she reflected. “Jackie thinks you’ve been such a good influence on him. I think she’s a little disappointed you have a boyfriend.”

“Even if I were single, I’m not really his type. It wouldn’t work out,” I attempted to squash any possible fantasies that were formulating in her head, knowing that for years she had hoped somehow I would magically end up with one of her friends’ sons.

“What? He doesn’t like smart, talented, beautiful, caring girls?” my mom asked defensively.

I sighed, thinking I had met my quota of girl talk with her for the day, possibly the week.

“Mom, he’s not religious.”

“Oh, nonsense, I see him with Jackie at church all the time.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I thought he had only been to Mass with his family the one time on Easter. But I had to consider the source. To my mom, ‘all the time,’ probably meant that she had seen him, or even someone that looked like him, like twice.

“Maybe if you went to the 9 a.m. Mass with your dad and me more you would know that,” she said.

I disregarded her attempted to guilt me and went back to my phone. Thomas had made a reference about the movie. I quipped back about his manliness. My mom was eagerly waiting for an update on the conversation.

“I thought we were watching the movie?” I asked before she could get another question in. My mother gave me a look of inspection and then turned her attention back to the movie.

More entertained by Thomas than the movie, I challenged him to name all seven brothers, offering a prize if he did it correctly. I was curious just how extensive his family-friendly film knowledge was. He responded relatively quickly with all seven names. No doubt he looked them all up. It didn’t surprise me when he demanded that his prize be sexy.

I had known Thomas long enough to know that he had specifically done that to make me uncomfortable and poke fun at me. Impulsively, I decided I would give him a taste of his own medicine. I sent back a flirty response, saying that sexy prizes were my specialty. I thought he would joke back.

Five minutes passed without a response...followed by fifteen...followed by two hours. Shit. Shit. Shiiiiiit. What had I been thinking texting something like that to him? At the end of the night, I found myself lying in my childhood bedroom unable to sleep because he had never responded, and my head was filled with all the horrible possibilities of what he was thinking about that stupid text I’d sent.

Ugh. The worst part was that I didn’t even have alcohol to blame. I glanced at the clock to see that it was after one in the morning. I tried to convince myself that Thomas had probably fallen asleep long ago and I was the last thing on his mind...or more likely he was awake, fooling around with some woman he’d met at a bar...either way, I had to be the last thing on his mind.

Unfortunately, this rationalization led to me picturing Thomas making out with someone. Someone tall and skinny with blonde hair, probably wearing a halter top. I bet she had a name like Alexis or Arianna. I tried to stop picturing the scene, but I just couldn’t get it out of my head. Eventually I started thinking about what his kiss would feel like…what sort of things he would say to me. I tried to get myself to stop, even resorting to replaying memories of making out with Sean, but it was no use.

A normal person would’ve been thinking about her own boyfriend, but now it seemed so inappropriate to even picture making out with Ethan. More awkward than anything.

Great. I would rather fantasize about pretty much anyone else over my own boyfriend? That sounds healthy.

Damn it, this was Sean’s fault for making me doubt how I felt. Or maybe it was Ethan’s for being so orthodox. Really it was my fault for not being attracted to what was best for me.

My alarm went off at eight and I regretted the decision to appease my mom by spending the night and going to nine a.m. Mass with her. I tried my best to put myself together and cover the large circles under my eyes, the visible result of my neuroticism that had lasted until well after three a.m.

“Good morning, Sweetie,” my mom exclaimed enthusiastically as she reached to take a sip of coffee.

I felt hungover, minus the excruciating headache, thank God. I mumbled good morning and poured myself a glass of water.

“I really like that top,” my mom complimented.

“Thank you,” I responded quietly.

She looked at me with concern.

“Maurie, are you okay? Did you not sleep well?”

Predictably, she walked over and felt my forehead like I was a child. I considered feigning sickness to get out of Mass for fear that Thomas was going to be there, but knew that if I did, my mother would insist on waiting on me hand and foot. I had enough of a moral compass to know that it would be wrong to make her do that just because I was an idiot.

“No, I’m fine,” I smiled. “I guess it’s just hard to get used to a different bed.” I finished my water. “Ready to go?” I tried to mirror her exuberance.

She nodded and we headed out the door.

Ethan was standing outside the front entrance of the church waiting for us. This was unexpected, but yesterday he had asked what Mass I was going to. I saw my mom’s face fill with delight.

“Well, what a pleasant surprise,” she greeted him.

He was wearing a suit and tie. It had been a while since I had seen him in his fancy Mass attire. Then I realized it was Pentecost, the birthday of the Church. Of course Ethan would wear a suit. And now I felt underdressed, despite wearing one of my nicer shirts.

“Good to see you again, Mrs. McCormick.” He shook her hand.

“Oh, please, call me Laura,” she insisted before she went in to hug him.

“You look surprised to see me,” Ethan commented, giving me a quick side hug.

“I just didn’t think you’d want to come to the early Mass,” I explained.

“Who else would I want to celebrate Pentecost with?”

It amused me that he referred to Pentecost as something to be observed like a holiday. I mean, technically, it was a holiday, but not one that people did anything to celebrate outside of going to church...at least I didn’t think anyone did. Was he being clever? Maybe he’d grown up celebrating Pentecost with his family.

I pictured him and all of his family sitting around a table eating a formal dinner, the room decorated in red. Yep, that seemed to be the only type of fantasy I could muster when thinking of Ethan: celebrating random Catholic holidays. Was that normal or weird? At least I wasn’t objectifying him.

We took our seats on the right side of the church, near the statue of Saint Catherine of Siena. This was Ethan’s favorite place to sit, not just because it was near Saint Catherine, but because it was towards the front. Ethan never sat more than six rows back. He said he liked how it made Mass feel more intimate. I asked him one time why he didn’t just go to a smaller church. He said smaller parishes were never able to replicate the holiness he felt in a church like Blessed Sacrament. Must’ve been all the stained glass and brick.

I waited to see how my mom would react to being pulled out of her comfort zone as a chronic middle pew dweller. She continued to smile. Being at Mass with Ethan seemed to be enough to weather any change in habit. We knelt down to prepare for Mass. Ethan, of course, looked the most reverent of the three of us, resting his head against his folded hands, his eyes closed. Typically, I mimicked his body language, but today I stared straight ahead at the altar, zoning out due to my lack of sleep. Then, just as it had happened at Easter, I saw the Michael O’Hollaren clan file in.

I realized we were sitting in their typical area and my heart started to race when I saw Jackie walk in behind Michael’s family. They sat one row directly behind us. Jackie said a quiet hello to my mother. A few moments passed and I thought I had avoided having to see Thomas.

I was just about to let out a mental sigh of relief when I saw Margaret’s family walk in, Thomas included. He was holding Margaret’s oldest daughter, making him look more appealing as a human, unfortunately. He caught my stare before I could look away. Good thing Ethan’s eyes were still closed because he gave me a cocky smirk. I felt my lips reflexively purse. He was probably thinking of a million ways to make fun of me for that stupid text. Before walking past, he winked at me. My visible annoyance only seemed to amuse him more.

At least we were in front of the O’Hollarens. It made it easier to pretend like Thomas wasn’t there. That is, until the sign of peace. My mother was all over the place, treating it like social hour with Jackie and her family. After Ethan had kissed me on the forehead like he usually did, I decided not turning around to exchange the sign of peace with someone I knew would look suspicious. I turned around to see Thomas, staring directly into my eyes.

“Peace be with you.”

I held out my hand and shook his quickly before letting go and turning to his sister Margaret and her husband. I think I managed to look natural. I turned back around and grabbed Ethan’s hand, counting the seconds until the next part of Mass.

Is this what those people who get caught cheating feel like? Wait. Did I cheat?

I didn’t think I had. Then again, in Ethan’s eyes, I had questionable morals when it came to napping with people. What was I going to do if Thomas decided to be funny and bring up that stupid text? The thought of trying to explain to Ethan how I thought I was being clever put a knot in my stomach. He rarely understood when I was trying to be clever to begin with. God, I was stupid.

Communion took forever and Father Jack made sure the conclusion of Mass would never end. The fate of my relationship with Ethan was dependent upon whether Thomas decided to be a smartass about my indiscretion. Maybe I was being dramatic, but I didn’t want to take my chances. I ushered Ethan out of the pew towards the side exit as quickly as I could, ditching my mom because I knew she was going to stop and talk to Jackie.

Ethan turned to me when we were outside.

“Where’d your mom go?” He looked around.

“Oh, I thought she was right behind us,” I lied. “She must have stopped to talk to the O’Hollarens.”

“You didn’t want to stay behind to talk to them, too?”

“No. Why?” I made my best attempt to sound casual.

Ethan gave me a half smile. “Maura, I never said you had to be cold to him. Do you want to go back in there and say hi?”

“No, I’d rather find out what you did last night without me around to entertain you.” I straightened his tie as I changed the subject.

“Nothing much. I mostly read.”

“And here I thought you would be writing sonnets about me,” I said sarcastically.

“Sorry, I’ve never really been the creative type,” he said unapologetically, but took my hand.

“It’s okay,” I sighed. “I guess it’s a flaw I can overlook.”

I made him smile. The knot in my stomach started to loosen.

“Oh, well, how kind of you.” He kissed me on the cheek before he pulled out his phone.

Good. I was back on track.

“I have six missed calls from my boss,” he announced. “Would you excuse me for a second?”

He let go of my hand and walked away as he made a call. I commanded myself not to analyze how formal he still was with me. He was a gentleman…and I needed to get it together before I blew it. I said hello to a few of my parents’ friends while waiting on the sidewalk for my mother.

“I have to say I am thoroughly impressed by the efficiency with which you rush out of Mass when you’re here.” I heard Thomas’ voice behind me.

There was that knot again.

I turned around and hated that I noticed that he’d gotten a haircut. I hated even more that I thought it looked good.

“Good morning, Thomas,” I said evenly with my arms crossed. “I’m surprised to see you here this morning; I would’ve guessed you’d be hung over.”

“Me too, but Father Sean is apparently the type who likes to turn in early. He had some sort of Sunday morning obligation.”

I looked over to see if Ethan was done with his phone call. Thomas noticed I was distracted and called my attention back to him.

“I finally met your mother.”

I nodded.

“She said she’s going to invite me to be her friend on this new thing she just joined called ‘Facebook.’”

“Did she?” My eyes grew wide with embarrassment.

“No, she didn’t, but now I think I’m going to have to make that happen. She said she wants to help me find a girlfriend.”

I sighed, knowing he wasn’t joking about that.

“Sorry,” I apologized for her. “She likes to be overly helpful.”

“Gee, I don’t know anyone like that,” he reflected teasingly.

“Excuse me, I am the right amount of helpful,” I defended, making him laugh.

Ethan joined us. He placed his hand on my lower back. Wow. This, on top of the kiss on my cheek, was significant post-Mass PDA for Ethan.

“Thomas, hello again,” Ethan greeted, shaking Thomas’ hand.

“Ethan,” Thomas nodded.

“I hate to do this,” Ethan turned to me, “but I actually have to head into work. They’re having a huge problem with some of the code for a new program they wanted to launch this week.”

I never would have thought a computer programmer could get called into work on an emergency. But whatever got him away from Thomas and the chance of finding out about that stupid text could only be a good thing for me.

Shit. That was a selfish thing to think.

“Say goodbye to your mother for me and tell her I look forward to seeing her next week for your birthday.”

I nodded. He kissed my cheek.

“I love you. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Love you too.” Why did it still not feel normal to say that?

“Good to see you again, Thomas. You should come out with us again sometime.”

Ethan’s invitation surprised me. He was probably trying to show me there was no need for me to be unfriendly toward Thomas. Thomas simply nodded, not verbally committing to anything.

“So, will you be giving him any sexy surprises tonight?” Thankfully, Thomas waited until Ethan was out of earshot to finally reference that God-forsaken text.

“Maybe,” I lied, trying to save face.

I crossed my arms again. He just stared at me with that stupid smirk.

“What?” I asked defensively.

“Nothing,” he shook his head with amusement. “It’s just that my imagination has been running a little wild with what kind of sexy prizes Maura McCormick could possibly be specializing in.”

I rolled my eyes.

“It’s a shame my sarcasm didn’t translate over text.” I tried to sound as unaffected as possible.

There was a pause.

“Using the ‘L’ word with Ethan now,” he observed.

“Yep,” I said in a clipped tone, not inviting any further inquiries on the subject.

He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, I’m supposed to come out here and try to get you to come to Sunday dinner again, but…” he sighed, “we both know you’re just going to turn down the invitation, right?”

“Thomas, I’m sor–”

“No, no, don’t be sorry,” he stopped me. “If anything, I think it’s good that my mom finally saw you with Ethan so she can finally accept reality.”

I nodded, trying to determine how he felt about the reality he was referring to. Not that it would change how I felt about Ethan. He took a step towards the church.

“But,” he grinned, “that doesn’t mean you still don’t owe me that sexy prize.”

And he was back to being a smartass.