"Jamie…" Sue’s voice was nothing more than a whisper, her eyes wide and filled with shock.
The detective looked from one to another, his eyes taking in every nuance, every reaction. Deciding wisely that retreat was probably a good idea, he murmured something that no one really heard and backed out of the room, pulling the door to behind him.
"Mom." Daniel looked stricken, his eyes wide at the realization of what Jamie had just said, what he had revealed. He took a step away from Jamie, toward Sue, toward the door. Jamie caught his hand but was unable to keep hold as a white-hot pain shot up his arm. He inhaled sharply, and Daniel turned back to him, distress obvious in his eyes.
Sue just stood there. She hadn’t moved yet, and Daniel slumped into the chair next to Jamie, his left hand searching and finding Jamie’s. Jamie squeezed the hand hard, without taking his eyes off his mom.
"Jamie…" she began softly, tears shining in her hazel eyes, her lip trembling, her hands twisted in front of her. "How long?"
"Not long," Daniel said quickly, like his denial he had loved Jamie since he was much younger and newly arrived at the Walker's house would somehow help the situation.
"Jamie," his mom said sharply.
"Days, Mom. No more than days, but I have wanted it for a very long time."
"I don’t understand. Daniel, you told us… was Jamie… you have to…" Sue looked pale, distracted, her hands moving to cover her mouth, the tears in her eyes falling down her cheeks.
Daniel stood and started to move toward her, knowing Jamie couldn’t, but she held out a hand in a stopping gesture. He stopped.
"Sue," he whispered, not Mom; he couldn’t say Mom. That single word—Sue—galvanized her to move, and she took a step closer to him, the boy she had taken in as her own son.
"I’m so sorry, I…" Daniel started helplessly, moved to his own tears by her tears, his heart breaking as he watched the stony anger banked in her eyes. He saw her hand move and felt it connect with his cheek. He heard Jamie shout, felt his own calm acceptance of her passion and her anger, expected it, wanted it, craved it…
"Don’t call me Sue," she hissed, her voice choking with tears. "I am your mom, and Jamie… Jamie, is your brother."
"Mom, please."
Daniel heard Jamie’s voice pleading behind him, but Daniel knew Sue was right. It was all wrong; everything was so wrong. He looked back at Jamie, saw him shaking his head in mute shock then looked back at Sue, his eyes carefully blank.
"M’sorry," he said, low enough so Jamie couldn’t hear, and then he left. He pushed past Sue and just left.
"Daniel!" he heard Jamie call and imagined him struggling to get out of bed, imagined his mom stopping him, holding him back. He ran, weaving in and around people, his whole world collapsing around his ears. He heard his name, but he ran, blind, scared.
* * * * *
Before
Daniel had been with the Walkers three weeks and one day before he had his first panic attack. He had had them before, when his dad got sick, when his mom disappeared into her shell of fear, when his dad died, when his mom left him. But this one? This wasn’t over anything big. It wasn’t earth shattering or awful or the end of the world.
I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.
He was pacing in front of his mirror, his school bag clutched tight in his hands, his breathing shallow, looking out from floppy, curly hair that covered his eyes, feeling his skin itching and his throat tightening.
"Daniel, we gotta go."
Daniel turned to his door. Jamie stood there, his arms crossed, impatience across his face, waiting for Daniel to get a move on.
Jamie… He tried to say it, tried to push it out past his throat… Jamie, I can’t breathe. He knew Jamie was talking to him, could see him flailing his arms like a windmill but couldn’t hear it all because of the blood rushing sound deafening in his ears. His legs buckled, his school bag still tight in his hands.
"Mom! Daniel is dying… Mom. Mom!"
The dizziness made him shut his eyes. If only he could kickstart his breathing, but it wasn’t working. His school nurse knew what to do.
"Mom. He won't open his eyes."
"Daniel, sweetheart… Jamie, get his bag… Daniel, I need you to calm down."
"Mom, stop him dying."
"He’s not dying. Daniel, Daniel, breathe in and out, come on, sweetie, you can do this. Come on, Dan, breathe with me."
All the time Daniel could feel her, not holding him, not crowding him, just holding his arm, rubbing circles into his prickly skin as the sickness started to build in his stomach. His eyes filled with tears. He needed to be sick, he was going to be sick… He was sick, he was mortified, sobbing…
"Jamie, get your dad."
"Ewwww, Mom, there's sick everywhere."
"Jamie, get your dad… Daniel, keep breathing."
"I was sick, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…" Daniel was past mortified now.
"Don’t, Daniel, don’t worry."
"I’m really sorry. I won't do it again."
"Don, thank God, can you deal with the sick? Daniel, let’s get you into the shower. Jamie, go to school."
"Mo-yom… Daniel needs to come too." Jamie was whining.
"Daniel will be at home with me today. I’ll phone the school."
"But. He’ll miss show and tell. It’s family day. Emma is bringing in her sister Emily, and she’s only two days old, and she’s really tiny, and I wanted Daniel to see my photos—"
"Jamie, enough, go to school."
Daniel showered and changed with Sue's help. She then wrapped Daniel under the Star Wars quilt in Jamie’s room.
"My poor, poor baby," she crooned into Daniel’s hair as he cuddled in close to her. He must have felt like he didn’t have a family left to show and tell. "It’s okay. It’s going to be okay…”
* * * * *
Now
Mark was there, catching him, stopping him. "Daniel, stop, Daniel, dude, what’s wrong. Oh my God, is it Jamie?"
Wait? What had Mark said? Jamie? Daniel pulled himself out of his despair, his hurt, his anger, his fear, and looked, just looked at Mark, and saw fear in his eyes.
"No, God no, m’sorry… left him upstairs… Sue… with Mom."
Mark visibly relaxed. "Then what the hell is wrong?"
"I can’t Mark, I can't…," Daniel felt his chest restrict, the air thick and heavy around him, his hands up at his throat, desperately trying to gasp in air.
"Jesus, Dan, what the fuck?"
Daniel hadn’t had a panic attack in years. It was Jamie who sat with Daniel, who calmed him down, normally.
"I can’t… can’t breathe."
Mark pulled him into a semi-hug from the side, pulling him to sit down on the floor in the corridor, their backs to the walls, gently rubbing small circles on his knee and firmly and clearly directing his breathing. "Slow, Danny, in, out, in, out, steady, in…"
Daniel focused on the words and tried to blank his thoughts, tried to focus, but all he could see was the shock in Sue’s eyes, shock that he knew would be in Mark’s eyes at any moment.
"Let me, Mark… Daniel, it’s Mom, sweetheart… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry."
He heard the words then felt softer hands and gentle touches.
"Mom," Daniel said, in a desperate breath, burying his head in Sue’s neck.
"Always, sweetheart, always your mom. I’m so sorry. I never should have done that. I didn’t mean it; I didn’t mean to hurt you. Now breathe, sweetheart, breathe."
Mark moved up off the floor and into a crouch. “What the hell is going on?"
"Go sit with your brother, Mark. Be sure to tell him we are okay. Quickly now."
"Mom, tell me. What's happened?"
"We’ll be fine, Mark; we’ll be fine."