The letter had been laid on the bed, simple in a white envelope, with Jamie written on the front in Daniel’s sure strong script. It was odd to see the handwriting. He was so used to texting and emailing and instant messaging that seeing something handwritten was unique. He opened the envelope and pulled out a sheet of lined paper.
Jamie, I know you are pissed with me at this moment, and I totally get why. I couldn’t tell you I was going back because I know you would have wanted to come too, and I couldn’t handle that. I can’t have you here when I have so much to sort out.
I need to know why the rest of the family didn’t want me and gave me up for fostering. I need to see where I came from, see if my cousins, you know, other stuff like that. Not that you aren’t my real family, but then you know that.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you though, so when you’re done being pissed at me, can you phone me? Please don’t come out after me. I’ll be back as soon as I have everything finished, okay?
Dan x
Jamie re-read the letter five times, focusing on different things each time. Yes, he was pissed, more than pissed; he was furious. And, no, he couldn’t see why Daniel had to do this alone.
Shit.
He was down the stairs in seconds, knee or no knee, sliding into the kitchen, bristling with righteous indignation.
"What the fuck, Mom?"
"Language, Jamie."
"He left us." He left me.
"He didn’t leave us. He left to find his family."
"Well, they don’t want him. Why would he do that? They could’ve come and gotten him at any time, and they didn’t. He’s happy here. I don’t get it. Why—"
"Jamie, sit." This came from his dad, who could obviously see him winding up to a crescendo, anxiety and anger spinning out of control. Jamie didn’t argue; he stopped talking and sat.
"Jamie darling, Daniel had his reasons. This thing you have between you—"
"Love, Mom," Jamie pointed out swiftly.
"Jamie, I’m not arguing with you. I’m not belittling you, or what you and Daniel have. Yes, it will be love to you, and yes, I realize how you feel, but whatever you have, Daniel still needed to do this Reno trip alone."
"He’s too…" Jamie didn’t know what to say. Jamie had always been there for Daniel, had been since his new brother had arrived. Daniel was vulnerable, shy, quiet, a geek; he wasn’t confident. "He’s too… he needs me to help him."
"No, Jamie, he doesn’t, not this time. He’s not the same. He changed when you were hurt. He’s stronger, more determined, less needy."
"I’m really pissed at him," Jamie said stubbornly
"We know you are, and he wants us to get you to phone him. Will you phone him tonight?"
Jamie grimaced.
I’m not going to phone. I’m so cross, stupid freaking… No, I’m not going to phone him. He’ll learn; he’ll see why I’m so… "Yeah, I’ll go do it now."
It was 1:15 by the time Jamie called. Daniel answered immediately.
"Jamie," he said breathlessly.
"Daniel, you are a complete fucking idiot." There, that summed it up.
"You read the letter," Daniel said hesitantly.
"I did, and I am so fucking angry with you, but shit, I suppose I understand. That doesn’t make it any easier though and don’t think I’ve forgiven you."
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. "I am coming home, you know," he said softly, emphasizing the word home. "Reno will never be my home."
"I know you are, and if it isn’t soon, I am driving out to get you."
"Want to maybe meet away from home when I have finished here? Maybe next weekend?"
"Away from here?"
"Yeah, away from family and home and people, just us."
"Whatdya have in mind?"
"Next Saturday evening. I’ve booked a room in this motel in Shingletown, in my name. I'll text you the details. I’ll be there at seven Saturday night. I promise."
"Shit, are we going to…" Have sex? Make love? What?
"Research, Jamie, do some research. I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I have my phone, and we can talk."
"I miss you already, you dumb fuck."
"Back at ya Jamie, back at ya."
* * * * *
Penguins. Cartoon penguins fucking… Jamie turned the laptop to one side. Okay that looked doable, but who would be the one…
Lube… Okay, lube was a good thing. It said so on every page he checked.
"Oh my God, I need bleach." Jamie was startled by his brother’s voice, suddenly regretting that he hadn’t locked his door.
"Ass," Jamie muttered succinctly.
"Jeez, bro, I come in to see my innocent little brother and this is what I see? Now I am scarred for life."
"Shouldn’t be looking at my screen then."
"Is that a penguin?" Mark moved in closer and leaned over to look at the screen.
"Yeah."
"A male cartoon penguin doing the horizontal with another male cartoon penguin?"
"Yeah."
"Are there gay penguins?"
"Mark."
"Jesus, Jamie, that isn’t going to help with the whole… thing. Here, give it to me."
Jamie tried to protest, but Mark was insistent, his tongue poking out as he searched and clicked and searched some more, frowning as pop-ups littered the desktop, one thing Jamie was hoping to avoid.
"Mark, don’t fuck with my—"
"Aha! All you need to know about the buttsex."
"Keep your voice down, dude."
"Here you go." Mark twisted the laptop back so Jamie could see. Jamie sighed as he closed down more pop-ups. "Graphics and words."
"Oh. My. God," Jamie swore and paled significantly.
"Lube… you'll need that, condoms, and ooooohh, the P-spot." Mark was really getting into this research.
"P-spot?" Jamie asked curiously. “What the hell is a P-spot?"
Mark pointed at the particular research he had pulled up, his eyebrows raising in interest. "Like the G-spot… Hmmm, never knew they had a name for it."
"Mark, no, please don’t take notes."
"Dude," he said, affronted, "been there, done that."
"What?"
"I’m in college. Rachel and I have been together for like a year. You do the math."
"I can’t think about that. I like Rachel, and my brain hurts."
Mark pulled the laptop back. "Here. Try this one, This is always a good one. See? There you go."
"Gay Sex Positions… For gay men… How to enjoy anal sex." This time Jamie really did pale.
"So, I’m getting a drink," Mark announced. "You want coffee?"
"Uh-huh," Jamie said, distracted. Pulling himself together, he took out his pad and pen so he could take notes and make a shopping list. Daniel would be proud. He took his time to make sure he had the correct page and then started the list.
Lube, check, condoms, check, but we’re not going to need ’em ’cause we are taking this slow and… Jeez, is this picture even anatomically correct?
Jamie checked his cell again. He knew that today was the day Daniel was going to see his aunt to try to talk to her about everything, to try to get some idea of why he had been put into the foster system in the first place. Thank God he had been was all Jamie could think. Even though it was completely selfish. He knew the loss of his family had been an emotional burden Daniel still carried, but the thought of not having Daniel in his own life… impossible.
Still no message on the cell. Was that good news or bad news? He toyed with the idea of texting Daniel, but what if he was in the middle of… the middle of… whatever… with his aunt?
"Jamie." His mom was outside the door, and he scrambled to shut his laptop and tried to look innocent.
"Yes, Mom."
She opened the door and walked in. "Have you heard from Daniel?"
"Not since this morning."
"I hope he's okay," she said softly, nibbling at her lower lip and sitting down on the edge of the bed, sighing.
"Are you worried about him?"
"He’ll be fine. He’s grown up a lot in the last few days. Are you working on homework?"
"Yeah, er… history."
"Okay." She seemed distracted. "Let me know when you hear from him."
"Uh huh, I will, as soon as he calls."
"And Jamie?"
"Yeah."
"Don’t go searching too deep. Porn will crash your computer."
* * * * *
The pharmacy run was like something out of Jamie’s worst nightmare. He knew the girl behind the corner. She was in his AP math class. In fact, he was sure he had hit on her at some point.
Pulling his best I’m-heterosexual-really, horny teenage boy face, he found what he needed and sauntered up to the till.
"Jamie," the girl—Mitsy, Misty, Mindy—said wonderingly, taking the economy tube of slick and the condoms out of his hand and scanning them in.
"Hi." Hi was safe. He couldn’t remember her name, and he didn’t want to look stupid.
"Did you catch up to come back to AP math yet?"
"Yeah, Daniel has been getting me up to speed."
"Thirteen ninety-five."
He handed her the money, tension in his head getting worse. He could feel the blush starting from his neck and working its way up. Come on, come on. He watched as she placed it all in a bag and handed it over to him, not a trace of a smirk on her face. She gave no indication that the news Jamie was buying condoms and lube was going to make its way around the entire school by ten past nine on Monday.
"Thanks, bye."
"Bye, Jamie."
When he left the pharmacy, he ran. He ran all the way home, alternately embarrassed and excited. He really needed to get to his room; it was safe there.