Ottavia Calabrese took her son to the swimming pool day one day a week.
Riccardo went to the pool three times a week, but since Ottavia’s husband was so sensitive, so dedicated—Gaetano took care of nearly everything that had to do with their son—Ottavia was only responsible for one visit. And even that one visit was a burden.
It wasn’t a matter of having to move her shifts around so she could get the time off; or even having to drive in the city, which she loathed. It wasn’t having to spend an hour and a half in a damp building that reeked of chlorine and sweat, nor being subjected to the swim instructor’s coarse attempts at flirtation. She didn’t want to admit it, but she couldn’t stand being alone with her son.
She couldn’t say when that feeling had first come to her. For many years, after it had become clear that Riccardo lived in a world all his own, a world from which he would never emerge in order to interact with the rest of mankind, she had been a loving mother, wholeheartedly devoted to her child’s needs. She’d accepted that there were no wounds that could be treated, no operations that might give Riccardo—and his family—a shot at a normal life. She had understood that her son was going to stay that way, with only a few, almost imperceptible improvements, for as long as he lived.
And she certainly couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Gaetano had become, if anything, even sweeter, more loving, more affectionate. He lived for his wife and son, he devoted every ounce of himself to them, taking on the vast majority of the tasks and responsibilities. Riccardo’s care demanded spending hours and hours with the boy; and yet Riccardo seemed hardly to notice him. For Riccardo, there was no one but Ottavia, his mamma, the only word that he’d ever pronounced intelligibly since he’d been born.
As she waited for the two of them to be alone in the locker room so she could undress him and put on his swimsuit, Ottavia thought back, attempting to determine when she had first begun to think of her home as a prison cell. If it had been from the very beginning, that might have been easier to understand: not everyone has the strength to take on such a burden. But that’s not how it had been.
She had loved her husband. They’d been together for years and years. She’d supported him as he pursued his career and he’d done the same for her, well aware that ever since she’d been a little girl, she had wanted to be a policewoman. They’d been through so much together, and Riccardo had come along when they were strong enough as a couple to survive even that. And in fact they’d been exemplary, held up as examples by all the parents’ associations they belonged to.
She made sure that they were finally alone. Riccardo didn’t want her to help him put on his swimsuit when other children were present. He’d shake his head vigorously back and forth and moan, attracting everyone’s attention. It was better to wait.
He let her slip off his sweatshirt and jeans. Once again, Ottavia noticed how much he’d grown, maybe even more than the other kids his age. The hair on his face, chest, and pubic area was getting thicker, standing out against the whiteness of his flesh. Mamma, Mamma, he said in a deep voice.
Ottavia didn’t bother to answer. She knew that it was nothing but a refrain, a mere confirmation of the fact that she was there, close to him. She slipped on his swimsuit, first one leg, then the other; she wondered what would happen now that Riccardo was visibly beginning to enter puberty. At work she had seen terrible things: atrocious acts of violence perpetrated by the intellectually disabled who experienced the explosive sexual development natural to their age, but had no way to control it; she hoped with all her heart that such a thing never happened to her son.
In another way, too, the thought of sex made her cringe. That night, Gaetano had reached out for her, and she had pretended to be asleep. Again. She wondered how long she could tough it out with little excuses and postponements.
As she walked to the edge of the pool, holding Riccardo’s hand, she thought back to the day, months ago, when she had finally decided to be straight with herself and admit it: she could no longer stand being around her husband and son. At first it had been a relief, in fact, it had even been amusing: to speak in the same tone of voice as ever, to say the usual things; but to know that she wished she were a thousand miles away.
Then her awareness had become keener, and she’d started to think of their home as a prison cell, even the hope of an end to her sentence. And the more her husband lavished kindnesses upon her, the more her son uttered her name, pressing his head against her shoulder, the stronger grew the urge to run, to run far away.
The instructor took Riccardo from her, greeting him fondly and shooting her a long, lingering glance.
Ottavia was one of those full, mature beauties, who might not strike you at first glance but then, the more you see them, become ever more alluring; wavy chestnut hair, cheerful, intelligently ironic eyes of the same color, a sullen mouth, and a soft but lithe body that never failed to attract men, who increased the attention they paid to Riccardo in hopes of getting to know his mother. It had happened with doctors, male nurses, and schoolteachers. She almost didn’t notice it anymore, and she’d never felt any urge for another man: all she wanted was freedom, also from that vague sense of guilt that followed her everywhere.
The attraction she felt for Palma, the new commissario, was entirely unprecedented, and she didn’t know what to do about it. She kept the feeling to herself, without encouraging it except as a fantasy, and for the moment she preferred to believe that it was nothing more than evidence that she actually was still alive.
Riccardo stepped into the water while she went to sit on the bleachers, along with the other parents. The swim lesson had been recommended by the boy’s pediatrician, who’d said that regular physical activity was a necessity. Riccardo was happy to do it, was always eager to go to the pool, and aside from the problems in the locker room, Ottavia thought it did him good. Moreover, her son had liked the water ever since he’d been a little boy; once immersed, his mood improved perceptibly.
She watched him as he launched into a breaststroke, in the lane set aside for his lesson. Next to her, two mothers chatted about their hairdressers, mine is good and yours is good, mine is cute and yours is cute, mine does feet, too, mine works really fast. It was hot, the smell of chlorine made her vaguely nauseous. Fifteen minutes passed.
At a certain point the rhythm of Riccardo’s breathing changed so that it was no longer in sync with his strokes, and he breathed in a mouthful of water. She noticed it immediately, glimpsing for an instant an expression of terror in her son’s eyes, though he made no noise and didn’t call for help. It lasted no longer than a couple of seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. The instructor was showing a little girl in the next lane over how to kick her feet, while the other boy swimming in Riccardo’s lane was a good half a lap behind him and wouldn’t get there in time to realize that the boy was in trouble. The women beside her went on chatting about shopping.
For a brief moment the image of a life free of commitment and suffering, of interminable and useless visits to doctors, of fruitless conversations with special ed teachers, went through Ottavia’s mind. For a moment, the image of the end of the only reason she and Gaetano were still together and so then the image of her rebirth as a woman went through Ottavia’s mind. For a moment, the image of a new world, in which she would be free of that vague sense of guilt at not being a good mother, a sense of guilt that was with her every single instant of her life, went through Ottavia’s mind.
Then, for a moment, the image of a nurse placing in her arms that tiny fragment of life that was her son went through Ottavia’s mind.
And so she rose to her feet and let out a hoarse shout.
“Signora, believe me, I have no idea how it could have happened. As you know, Adelia wasn’t here today . . .”
“Don’t worry about it, really, these are things that . . .”
“No, signora, it worries me and then some, you know that we’re always very careful about watching the kids.”
“I insist, it’s not important, the only thing that matters is that I noticed in time.”
“I’ll say it again, Riccardo, as you know, is one of our dearest boys. Just the thought that we might have somehow failed to pay adequate attention, especially to him . . .”
“Look, forget about it. As you can see, it all ended for the best. He only drank a little water. You saw—he didn’t even want to get out of the pool, he’s always so happy when he’s here.”
“Then I can count on the fact that . . . in other words, we won’t give it another thought, right? I can assure you that, starting next time, once Adelia is back, I myself am going to work right next to this little man; and maybe I can teach him to do the butterfly. He’s such a good swimmer . . . I can’t believe it happened to him of all the kids . . .”
“On the contrary, I should thank you, you went straight to him. You’re always so kind.”
“Really, I can’t offer you anything? A cup of coffee, a glass of juice, nothing? What can I do to earn your forgiveness?”
“Nothing at all, thanks. Listen, let’s just not say anything about this to my husband, when he brings Riccardo on Wednesday. You know, he’s very anxious, it might occur to him that this is somehow dangerous, he might decide to stop bringing him. But Riccardo is always so happy to come. I mean, you know, of course that he doesn’t talk, but I see it.”
“Don’t worry, signora. No one will know a thing, that’s the last thing I want, it’s hardly in my own interest. Thank you. Thank you so much.”
In the car, during the drive home, feeling the pressure of Riccardo’s head on her shoulder, Ottavia wept.
She wept the whole way.