Shante sat in her office reviewing various speaking invitations she had received. There were fewer invitations than she had at the same time last year, and most of them were outside North Carolina. All of them looked promising, but she was interested in only one—Pastor Kay’s family conference. There were no admission fees, and she was looking forward to preaching there. She put the invitations aside when Tank walked into her office.
“Hi, Tank. It’s a blessing to see you this morning. How are you doing?” she asked, walking around her desk greeting Tank with a hug.
“You know I’m blessed, Pastor. Where’s Gail?”
“She called in sick today, so I have phone duty. She rarely calls in. I told her to take a couple of days. She’s been working really hard lately. She is helping the Women’s Fellowship get their conference package together,” she said, motioning to Tank to sit in the chair in front of her desk.
“Thanks. How’s everything? I just wanted to drop in and talk with you to make sure you’re doing all right.”
“Tank, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m doing fine. It looks like the rumors have died down some. I can really focus on my job now. I think I’m a little more relaxed.”
“That’s good to hear. Looks like you changed things around in here,” he said, glancing around her office.
“I needed a change.”
“Are you alone?”
“Yes, why?”
“Let’s go for a walk,” Tank said, getting up and walking toward the door.
She thought this was a strange request, but she joined him. As they began to walk around the parking lot of the church, she wondered if he was doing a Joshua walk. In the Bible, Joshua walked around the walls of Jericho seven times in order to defeat his enemy. She started counting the times they walked around the perimeter of the church. She sensed something serious was happening.
“I had to leave your office. You never know who is listening,” Tank said.
“What do you mean by that? You make it sound as if my office is bugged—like some secret spy thing. Besides, who would bug my office? Nothing really interesting goes on in there. Now the counseling room . . .”
“Shante, this is serious. I wanted you to know Curry wants an independent auditor to come in and review the books to make sure nothing funny is going on. He is calling people and getting them all riled up for the next board meeting. I told you he had it out for you. Are you keeping yourself clean?”
“Of course. I’m walking a tightrope as it is. Why would he do a thing like that? I haven’t done anything to him. I haven’t done anything wrong. God, what’s going on?” She stopped walking, trying to hold back the tears. Never let them see you cry.
“Come on, Shante, keep walking. You know this is nothing but the devil. I knew I couldn’t trust that Curry. When Pastor Anderson lobbied to get him on the board, I knew it would be trouble. He’s from the old school. I don’t think he likes sitting under the authority of a woman. It’s his chance to get a man in the pulpit.”
“Where would he get an idea that something is wrong with the finances? You know all the trouble it takes to get money from the church. We have safeguards.”
“He says he has a gut feeling. That is what he’s telling everyone.”
“I’m not doing anything wrong. Tell you what, Tank, call the board members and tell them to go ahead and approve an independent auditor. I have nothing to hide. I have all my receipts and copies of the ones I turned in. If there’s a problem, it is not coming from me. I’ll call an auditor today.”
“That’s just it, Shante. He thinks you and the auditor are friends and are conspiring to cover up discrepancies in the books.”
“What? Where do people get these ideas, these lies?” “Keep walking, Shante. He wants the board to select the auditor.”
“That’s fine. I have nothing to hide. Go ahead and approve it. If it’s a fight Curry wants, he’ll get one.”
“If everything is fine, there won’t be a fight. We can’t afford to have any more negative attention brought to this church. People have finally stopped spreading all those silly rumors about you being a stripper.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“I know it isn’t. We could still do without the gossip. Seven,” Tank said, stopping in front of his truck.
“A Joshua walk. Thanks, Tank. It’s good to know that someone is on my side. Thank you for telling me. God always has a way of revealing the enemy’s plot against you. I love, you Tank,” she said, hugging him.
“Let me get out of here. Rose thinks I’m at the grocery store. I’ll talk to you later. Remember, keep yourself clean,” Tank said, getting into his truck.
She watched him drive out of the parking lot and then returned to the church and went to the sanctuary to pray. As she headed back to her office, she heard the phone ringing. She ran to pick it up, but it was too late; the caller had hung up. Then her cellphone rang. The ID showed it was Max. “Hey, Max. Is the hearing over?”
“No, we’re on break. We’re trying to get some lunch. We’re waiting to be seated. I wanted to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“I wanted to hear your voice. I miss you.”
She went around her desk and sat down and stared out the window. All things considered, she should be stressed but the sound of his voice relaxed her. “The last week has been great. We have seen each other every day since Josh got out the hospital.”
“I know, but today, I miss you. It’s First Friday. We’re supposed to be having fun.”
“You’re not having fun in court?”
“You know what I mean. I love you, Tay.”
“I know.”
“They’re calling us. I’m riding with Gary. We may stop for dinner, so I might be late getting home.”
“I’ll be waiting. I’ll go ahead and take the boys to dinner.”
“I’ll see you when I get back.”
Shante sat for a moment staring out the window, playing with the cross Max gave her. She missed First Friday. Then a thought popped into her mind. Greensboro was a long way from Charlotte. They could have a quiet dinner there and have a chance to relax. She tried to shake off the thought. Tank had just warned her to keep herself clean. She wanted to be with Max alone for a change. A quiet dinner would not hurt anything. She reasoned that no one would see them so far away from Charlotte. She reached into her desk and pulled out her emergency makeup kit and ran to the bathroom to put makeup on. She wanted to surprise Max, so she decided not to call him. She locked the church, got into her car and headed to Greensboro. Along the way, she called Camille. “Camille, can you stay with the boys this evening? Max and I are having dinner.”
“I thought Max was in Greensboro,” Camille said.
“He is. We’re having dinner there. Make sure you get to his house before four. I told Miss Mabel I would be there by then. Thanks, Camille. I owe you one.”
“Tomorrow we shop. You can show your appreciation then.”
She got on the interstate leading to Greensboro and began making her plans. She would have to stop and buy something to wear, as she had worn jeans to work. She wanted to get something sexy. Max made her feel special, and she wanted to look the part this evening. They would be in another city, so she could dress the way Max made her feel—like a woman, and not like the business casual style she always wore. It was the weekend, so they did not have to rush and could take their time hanging out. They both could use a nice quiet evening alone with each other.
When she arrived in Greensboro, she drove through downtown and began looking for apparel shops. She found a little dress boutique on Elm Street. She went in and tried on several dresses, finally deciding on a close-fitting black dress. It had been a long time since she was able to get dressed up. All her clothes were safe, conservative. On the few occasions when she could have dressed sexier—the singles ministry Valentine’s dance, for example—she had chosen not to. As the pastor, she had felt it wouldn’t be appropriate. However, tonight was different. She wanted to feel beautiful; she wanted to feel sexy. This little black dress made her feel feminine, like a woman. She wished she had gotten her hair done, but there was no time for that. She had to get to the courthouse before the hearing ended for the day.
“Your husband’s really going to love that dress,” the saleslady said.
“I’m not married, but I’m meeting a friend tonight.” “His eyes are going to fall out of his head. With that dress on, he’ll be more than a friend.”
Shante also selected shoes, a purse, and jewelry, but she realized she couldn’t go into the courtroom in that dress; it would attract too much attention. “Excuse me, miss, do you have a shawl or city coat?”
The clerk showed her a lightweight city coat that matched the dress perfectly. “I’ll wear these out. I’ll put my jeans in a bag,” she told the clerk. Seeing a small greeting card shop next to the boutique, she went in and purchased a card, asking for directions to the courthouse before leaving the shop.
Shante entered the large courtroom at four-twenty, and it was packed. Gary was questioning a witness. She saw Max seated next to a man and a woman at a table near the front of the room. She motioned for a bailiff to come to her. She gave him the card and pointed at Max. Max opened the card and looked around and saw Shante sitting in the back. He waved discreetly at her, and she waved back. She sat quietly in the back of the courtroom and began to wonder if she was doing the right thing. She debated whether to stay or leave, but Max had already seen her. She had driven all the way to Greensboro, and now had to fight the urge to run.
Then, she heard the judge say court was adjourned until Monday at nine. A sobering thought came to her: what was she thinking coming to see Max like this? But she convinced herself she was doing the right thing. She waited in the back for Gary and Max to come to her.
“Hey, Shante, I didn’t expect to see you here,” Gary said, kissing her on the cheek.
“Max and I are having dinner; Camille is watching the boys.”
“Yes, we are.” Max bent over and kissed her cheek.
“You guys were awesome. If it had been me on that stand, I would have cracked. I should drop by the courthouse to see you in action more often,” Shante gushed.
“That’s because you’re good people. I wish everyone were like you.” Max couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. His heart raced with anticipation, with the promise of the night’s events.
“Max, help me take these files to my car. Remember we’re meeting at the office tomorrow at ten. I don’t want this trial to go on all next week.”
“Shante, can you meet us in the parking lot out back?” “Sure.”
She drove around to the back of the courthouse where Gary and Max were loading boxes of files into the car trunk. She got out and went over to them. “You guys need any help?”
“No, we got it. We’re just about finished,” Gary said.
The late summer sun was causing sweat to pour down her face and back, so she took off her coat not thinking about the little black dress.
“Whoa, Shante!” Gary said, after he looked up and saw her leaning against her car. “You look hot, and I don’t mean from the heat.”
“Wow, Tay, you look . . . you look awesome,” Max added.
She was slightly embarrassed, but thanked them for their compliments.
“I see the two of you have a special evening planned. Enjoy.” Waving, Gary got into his car and drove away, leaving Shante and Max standing in the emptying parking lot.
“Turn around. Let me see you,” Max asked appreciatively. She obliged, allowing him to take in every inch of the dress that was hugging every curve. He hugged her. “You look so beautiful. I haven’t seen you dressed like that before.”
“I wanted to look special.”
“Well, you do, but you know what would make that dress look even more special?”
“What’s that?”
“If you take the tags off,” Max said, laughing as he helped her remove the tags. Though embarrassed, she couldn’t help laughing, too. They got into her car, and Max kissed her passionately before driving to a local restaurant called the Piano Bar.
“A bar, Max? I’m not going in there.”
“It’s not a bar; it’s a restaurant. You’ll like it.”
They walked hand in hand into the restaurant. They had arrived early and didn’t have to wait for a table. Max requested one on the balcony.
“I see we’re in the colored-folk section,” she said, looking around.
“No, this is the best table. You can see the entire restaurant. Look at it. It’s so romantic.”
She looked around the dimly lit room. Couples were laughing and talking. The dance floor was empty except for one couple that was dancing as if they were the only ones there. They looked like they were so in love. This was definitely a date restaurant, she thought.
“Have you been here before?”
“A couple of times.”
“Oh, yeah? With who?”
“Have you looked at the menu? They have the best steaks.”
“Dodging the question?”
“I’ve eaten here with clients, and when I was with them I was thinking of bringing you here. Now we’re here, and I only want to focus on you. You look so beautiful, Tay.”
“Thanks.” She began to feel hot. Was she having a hot flash or was she blushing? She hoped Max didn’t notice.
“When I read your card, I wanted to run and pick you up. I’m so glad you’re here. I wanted to be with you so badly today; I’ve been thinking about you all day. Wow, you look beautiful,” he said taking her hand.
“You say that as if I usually look horrible.”
“No, Tay, that is not what I meant. Today, you look special, as if you were expecting to have a special evening with someone special. I feel honored to be that someone.” Max slid closer and lifted her chin and kissed her.
She moved away and pulled her dress over her breasts. “Max, we shouldn’t do this here.”
“We’re not in Charlotte. No one will see us. Relax. Come here.”
He kissed her again. He softly kissed her bottom lip and then the top one. She wanted to relax, but couldn’t. She was afraid someone might see them. “I think we’d better order.” She moved away from him and picked up her menu.
During the meal, Shante relaxed a little and began to enjoy the evening. “The meal was delicious. I’m glad you brought me here.”
“Would you like to dance?”
He took her hand and led her down the circular stairway to the dance floor. The restaurant was crowded now, and a lot of people were waiting to get in. They found a space on the floor and began dancing. The scent of his cologne soothed the anxiety that had swept through her earlier. She was glad she decided to meet Max.
Shante could feel the cross that hung around her neck pressing into her body as Max held her. She felt as if she could stay there all night. She pressed her head into his chest as they danced. When the music stopped, they began maneuvering through the now crowded dance floor trying to get back to their table.
“Hello, Pastor.” She spun around and saw Sarah Turner, a member of her church board, sitting at a table with her husband. She panicked. She did not need anyone to see her like this. She tried to play it off and act as if everything was normal.
“Hello, Sister Turner, Brother Turner. How are you doing?” She quickly released Max’s hand and smoothed down her dress.
“I’m blessed, Pastor. Funny seeing you here.”
“We’re having dinner. You know Reverend Patrick, don’t you?”
“Hello, Reverend Patrick. Well, Pastor, you look mighty beautiful today. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dressed like that before.”
“Thank you.”
“Shante, let’s get to our table,” Max said, taking her by the elbow.
“We’ve got to go. It was good seeing you.” She could feel Sister Turner’s eyes on her as they made their way back to their table. She wanted to run out of the building. She sat down and Max sat close to her. She moved away.
“Why are you doing that? Come here.”
“No, Max. That woman is staring at us.”
“So what? Come here.”
“You don’t understand. That’s the board member that called me a whore. She said I was going around laying up with men on church money. Now she sees me in here with you in this dress. Not today. Please not today. We were having such a perfect evening.”
“And it can still be perfect. Let’s go.”
The ride back to Charlotte was quiet. All Shante could think about was being seen in that dress with Max. She wished she had let Max ride home with Gary. She wondered how much Sister Turner had seen, how long she had been there. She hoped she hadn’t seen them kissing or feeding each other. She knew she had seen them dancing. If she hadn’t, she probably wouldn’t have said anything. She considered calling Tank before a new round of rumors started. She didn’t know what to do. She felt like crying.
“Let’s take a drive along the lake,” Max suggested. “No, I’d better go home. It’s getting late.”
“Tay, you can’t let that woman get you down. What can she say about you? She was in the same place.”
“She was in the same place with her husband. Besides, I’ve got to take Camille shopping tomorrow, and didn’t Gary say you guys were meeting in the morning?”
“It’s not even eleven. We have another hour before your curfew,” Max said, trying to make her laugh. His attempt fell flat. She didn’t feel like laughing. All she could think about was the church meeting. First, it was Deacon Curry; now it’s Sister Turner. She dreaded thinking about what could come next. The one day she’d decided she wanted to feel like a woman instead of a minister all the time was ruined by running into a board member. She asked God why she couldn’t have any fun and be a woman just one day. She was tired, drained. She sat silently staring out the window as Max drove her car down the highway toward Charlotte.
* * *
Shante paced the floor of her bedroom, praying. “God, I repent of my sins. I knew it was against my better judgment to buy that dress, and the way I acted at the restaurant was not a good image of a woman of God. Forgive me.”
She couldn’t sleep. She had a deep feeling of dread. “God, I always try to walk righteous and holy in your sight. I got carried away today. I cracked under pressure. Please forgive me.”
She sat on the edge of the bed and continued to pray. She tried to lie down. She was still restless. She tried turning on the television, hoping that a preacher on Christian television would provide some comfort. However, she didn’t seem to understand anything the TV ministers were saying. She wondered what to do next. She picked up the phone and called Gwen.
“Hello,” Gwen said sleepily.
“Gwen, this is Shante.”
“Shante, is there anything wrong?” Shante imagined her sitting up in the bed.
“Who is it?” she heard Ron whisper.
“It’s Shante.”
“Shante? Is there anything wrong? It’s two in the morning,” Ron said.
“Tay, what’s wrong?” Gwen asked.
She told Gwen all that had happened that day, about Tank and about the auditor. She especially told her about the dress. She began to cry so hard she could barely catch her breath.
“Was the dress really that hot?”
“A fire truck followed us to the restaurant. We were having such a good time. Why did that lady have to be there? It ruined everything.”
“Tay, why are you so afraid of people seeing you and Max? You guys are good together.”
“You know how people talk.”
“I’d talk about you, too, if I saw you kissing in public.”
“Bad judgment. It was plain ol’ bad judgment. I thought I had my act together. I thought I could control lust. Here it is, back again.”
“You love Max, don’t you? Admit it.”
“Max and I are friends.”
“Tell me something, Tay. Have you ever thought about how Max feels about all this? You know he’s crazy about you, and you’re playing him.”
“Playing him? I’m not playing him.”
“Yes, you are, Shante. Have you ever thought about how he feels when he has to sneak around to see you?” “Sneak around? We don’t sneak around.”
“Where did you go last First Friday?”
“We went out of town.”
“And the time before that?” She didn’t allow Shante to answer. “And the time before that? Do you see a pattern here?”
“Max and I love our adventures. It gives us a time to relax and be ourselves, you know, let go a little.”
“Like today. Did you let go today, Shante? I’m sure Max sees it differently.”
“What do you mean? Did he say something to Ron?”
“No, I’m just saying. That man loves you, and if you don’t want him, you need to let him go. Why does everything have to be a big secret with you? Why are you always hiding?”
“I’m not hiding. You know how people talk. When I was dating Troy, everything was fine until church folk found out about it. Then we started having problems. He started listening to everything people were telling him about me simply because they were his members. There were all kinds of rumors and lies. Remember the lie that I was pregnant? Oh, yeah, don’t forget Kevin, the devil in disguise. Why can’t church folk mind their own business and stick to the work of the kingdom and worship?”
“Tay, I don’t know about all that, but I do know God is trying to bring you out of something. You need to seek His face. It would be a shame for you to give up Max because of something somebody is saying about you, whether true or untrue. Look, Ron’s up. I’d better go back to bed. He doesn’t like me sitting up all night talking on the phone. I’m going to pray for you before I hang up.”
Gwen began to pray. Shante closed her eyes and listened to Gwen’s words. Initially, she thought it was a good idea to call her. She was beginning to think she shouldn’t have talked to Gwen at all.
“God, forgive me. I won’t do it again,” Shante prayed.
She thought about what Gwen had said, but she didn’t feel as if she was playing Max. Yet, she knew their relationship could not continue as it had been—nor could she let him go. She was in too deep. Her feelings were greater than just friendship for him. She couldn’t talk to Gwen or Camille about how she felt; they would expect too much.
“God, help me. What should I do? Speak to me, God.” She flipped through the television channels again. An old vampire movie caught her attention and she became deeply engrossed in it. When it ended, she could feel the chain and the cross around her neck. It felt like it was choking her. She took it off and wept bitterly because she knew how it felt to appear alive but feel really dead on the inside.