Shante arrived in the Buckhead section of Atlanta after eight. She was tired. The day’s events and the long drive had worn her out. Even though Patrice wanted to know what was going on, she didn’t push Shante to talk. Shante greeted Shawn and Travis. She was surprised at how much Travis had grown, and his voice was much deeper than the last time she had talked with him. Patrice took her to her room. She hugged her as Shante allowed the tears to flow.
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it now. You look tired.” Shante shook her head. “I took Monday off. We can talk then when the house is quiet. Shawn will be at work and Travis will be at school. Unless you want to talk earlier.”
“No, it can wait until Monday. I really don’t feel like talking.” She wiped the tears from her face. “Thank you for letting me stay here. I didn’t know where to go. I won’t wear out my welcome. I need a couple of days away from Charlotte.”
“You can stay here as long as you want to. You’re welcome here anytime. I’ll leave you alone tonight. I put some extra towels in your bathroom. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen. If you need anything, let me know.”
“Thank you, Patrice. I’m glad you’re my friend. I love you.”
Patrice left her in the spacious guest room, which was furnished with a large four-poster bed that was so high she had to climb a small step to get into it. She was glad the guest room had its own bath. She decided to take a shower and try to relax before going to bed. It had been a long day. She couldn’t believe she didn’t have to preach the next day. She was almost glad. The stress of wondering what the board members had planned was finally gone and the deed was done. She wondered what she would do next. Gary advised her not to talk to too many people about what had happened. He was doing his own investigation of the finances and planned to subpoena the church books and the auditor’s report if needed. He told her not to worry; he would take care of everything. Yet she was worried. Shante lamented closing her consulting business to go into full-time ministry. How could they have sat her down? She fought to find understanding in the whole situation.
After taking a shower, she felt too drained to pray. Her prayer was simply that God give her wisdom and direction in this situation and that He protect her church and its members from the battle that was about to begin.
* * *
On Monday morning Shante woke up early and lay in the bed. She’d had a restless night and didn’t feel like getting up. She felt as though every last piece of energy had left her. She had attended a local church on Sunday, but hadn’t gotten all the answers she needed. She lay in bed and prayed quietly to herself. Afterwards, she forced herself up and put on her yoga wear and went downstairs to the home gym Patrice had given Shawn for his birthday. She hoped exercise would help clear her mind. She quietly walked down the dark hallway, down the basement stairs, and toward the gym. The lights were on and Shawn was lifting weights.
“Oh, Shawn, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. I’ll come back later.”
“You’re fine. I’m just finishing up. Help yourself to the equipment. I thought I was the only one who gets up early in the morning to exercise.” Shawn continued lifting the weights. The muscles on his arms were bulging.
“I always try to get up between five and six to exercise, pray, and read my scripture. It helps me get my day started.”
“I hear you. Exercising does help you get focused. The office keeps me pretty busy. God blesses me with new patients every day. I have to stay in shape just to keep up with the pace. Reading my Bible helps me stay positive with all the negative things I see. It helps me to focus on helping my patients.”
“Read your Bible? I didn’t know you and Patrice were reading the Bible.”
“I read the Bible. I’m still praying for Patrice. When I got saved three months ago—”
“You got saved? Praise God. I’ve been praying for you and Patrice to get saved. I’m so happy.” She walked over to Shawn and hugged him.
“I thought getting saved would make our marriage better, but it seems like the opposite is happening.” Shawn sat down on the weight bench. She sat beside him.
“What do you mean?”
“I was in Chicago at a conference. There was a church conference in another area of the convention center. It was something about the music coming from that area that drew me into the meeting. When I heard the message, I knew it was time for a change in my life. I thought Patrice would be excited about it. She wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. How has it affected her?”
“I’m not sure. She’s so quiet. It’s like she doesn’t know what to say to me anymore. Before I got saved, we could talk about anything. Now it’s hard to get her to talk to me. When we’re together, she makes an excuse to leave the room. It’s almost as if she is embarrassed to be seen with me. We don’t go out to eat or to the movies anymore. I invited her to go to church with me. She went a couple of times. She didn’t seem interested. Tay, I don’t want to lose my wife. I love her. What can I do? I asked her to come to church with me yesterday. She said she had to stay here with you. Then you said at dinner that you enjoyed church. I knew she didn’t want to go with me. She would rather stay at home all by herself before going to church. Travis went, though. I think he likes all the girls there.” He smiled. “Whatever it takes to get him into church.”
Shante jumped into pastor mode. She began counseling him about the changes that happened when becoming a new Christian and how it affected everyone around him. She advised him to take things slowly with Patrice, because she was probably watching him to see if he was true to his salvation. She also gave him scriptures that would give him hope. Afterward, they joined hands and prayed. She could feel the tremor in his hand. She knew the power of God was all over him. She prayed that their marriage would survive this transition and that Patrice and their children would get to know God the same way Shawn had. She also prayed for peace and blessing upon their house.
“Tay, I believe the Lord sent you to our home now. We need you here. Patrice needs you. She doesn’t have many friends she confides in. She trusts you. You guys have been friends a long time. She’ll listen to you. I know you’re going through some problems of your own now, and I hate to ask you to help me, but Tay, we need help now. I feel the enemy really working on our marriage.”
“I’ll talk to her. Don’t worry. Everything will work out.”
“Thank you. I’ve got to get out of here and get ready to go to work. Patrice took today off. Hopefully, you’ll have a chance to talk.”
Shawn hugged her and left the room. She looked around. She was impressed with everything she saw. There was an elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike, free weights, and exercise mats. A television with DVD player was positioned on the wall facing the equipment. Two of the walls were mirrored, making the room feel larger than it was. She got on the elliptical machine and began to pray for Shawn and Patrice.
She ended her prayer and continued working out. She picked up the remote to the television and began going through the channels to find something to watch for the next thirty minutes. Her mind began to wander back to her own troubles. She still could not believe the church board had sat her down. She never expected that or the way they had spoken to her.
The more she thought about being called a tramp, the angrier she became until she realized she had been working out an hour without noticing. She went to her room and showered. She put on her sweat suit and went down to the kitchen. She could smell bacon; Patrice was up and cooking breakfast. Shawn and Travis were at the breakfast bar. Patrice was at the stove making an omelet.
“Good morning, everyone,” Shante said, hugging first Shawn and then Travis.
“Morning, Aunt Shante. Come on, Pops, I’m going to be late for school.”
“I’m coming. Morning, Shante,” Shawn said as if this were his first time seeing her that morning. He walked over to Patrice, who was pretending she was concentrating on the omelet she was making. He kissed her on the cheek. She said good-bye without looking up. When the door closed, she looked at Shante and asked, “Would you like breakfast? I made cheese omelets with bacon. I have hazelnut coffee. Sit down. I’ll pour you a cup.”
“Thank you. Coffee will be fine. I don’t feel like eating right now,” Shante said, taking the cup from Patrice.
“You didn’t eat much yesterday. You need to eat. It’ll keep you from being depressed,” Patrice said, going back to the stove.
“I don’t have much of an appetite right now.” “Is it Kevin? Did he attack you again?”
“No, it’s church stuff. My board met Saturday, and they sat me down.”
“Sat you down? What does that mean? Did they fire you?” She stopped stirring the mixture in the bowl and faced Shante.
“No, it’s more like I’ve been suspended with pay until they complete their investigation.”
“Investigation? What investigation?” Patrice sat down at the table with her.
She told Patrice about being seen with Max and all the rumors that were out about her. She explained that she couldn’t preach or teach at the church until they found out what was happening with the church finances. She told Patrice how Sister Turner had called her a tramp.
“Wait a minute. You mean you let someone call you a tramp to your face and you didn’t say anything?”
“Bishop advised me not to say anything, and I respect him. He’s a wise man. I wanted to say something to her real bad. She almost took me back to before I got saved. I wanted to cuss her out and jump across that table. It took everything in my power to sit there and take that from her.”
“It’s obvious she doesn’t know you. As stiff and uptight as you are, anybody can look at you and tell you’re not getting any. I don’t see how you take that from those people. If it ain’t one thing, it’s another.”
“I know. It’s probably all over Charlotte now. The preachers are probably beginning to fight for my job. I wonder how my members are taking it. I should have gone to church yesterday and told them. It would’ve been easier on the church if I told them about the investigation. There’s no telling what was said yesterday. I should’ve waited to come here.”
“You did the right thing. You look bad. Did you tell Max?”
“Max? Max and I aren’t seeing each other anymore,” Shante said quietly, stirring her coffee.
“What? What happened? I thought everything was going great for you two.”
“He asked me to marry him.”
“Oh, Shante. What did you say?”
“I said no. He tried to use his sons to manipulate me into marrying him.”
“How?”
“They helped him propose to me. They were there. It was so bad. Little Josh was so excited and kept asking me when I was moving in with them. I felt pressured to say yes. I kept quiet and left. The next day, I gave him back the ring, and we argued. I told him it was a good idea that we don’t see each other.”
“Tay, I thought you loved him. Didn’t you tell me you thought you were in love with him the last time I talked to you?”
“That is what I thought at the time.”
“So, you’re sitting here telling me you don’t love Max now?”
“I don’t know what I feel. I know I didn’t like him trying to manipulate me into marrying him. How could he use those boys like that? It turns out I didn’t know him as well as I thought.”
“You still love him. I can look at you and tell that. You told me Max was good to you. You said you enjoyed being with him. You called me many times and told me about how romantic he was. How could you change your mind all of a sudden? Love doesn’t come or go instantly—not true love. You can’t turn your love on and off. If you were in love with him, then you’re still in love with him.”
Shante didn’t respond. She knew Patrice was telling the truth. She did love Max. She didn’t want to admit it. She felt it wasn’t the right time to be involved with anyone. She fought hard to hold back her tears.
“You should call him.”
“I’m not calling him.”
“Does he call you?”
“Yeah, and he started sending me text messages and e-mails when I wouldn’t answer his phone calls. He sent me flowers Friday. He wanted me to know he was praying for me and for the outcome of this meeting. Anyway, he’s probably heard about the meeting by now.”
“He needs to hear it from you. You guys love each other, and you should talk this thing out instead of running and hiding out here in Atlanta. You need to give him a second chance. You told me yourself, he’s good to you and his sons. You said he was everything you wanted in a husband. You said you could trust him. I’m only going by what you told me. How can you just throw it all away?”
“I’ve got too much going on now. My ministry is in trouble. All the work I put into the church is about to be destroyed. I don’t even know what my next step will be.”
“You need to stand up to those negroes at your church. That is the first thing you need to do. It’s just like black folk to get jealous when you’re successful. Someone probably saw how successful the church was becoming under your leadership and got jealous. Don’t let them destroy what you and Max have. You need to call him and talk to him.”
“I can’t talk to him. I don’t want him involved.”
“He’s already involved. Don’t you think this has an effect on him? Didn’t you say that woman saw you and Max together? See, he’s already involved. You need to call him.”
Patrice picked up the phone and handed it to Shante. “Here, take this. Call him. I’m going to take a shower and get dressed. Then we can go shopping. I’m not going to let you sit here all day thinking about your troubles. Call Max. He’s probably worried about you. Call Gwen, too. She called here yesterday looking for you. She’s worried. You’re not answering your phone. Your friends love you, and you should stop shutting yourself off from them every time you have a problem.”
Shante sat at the small table with the phone in her hand debating whether she should call Max and Gwen. She began dialing. “Hello, Mother.”
“Praise God. Oscar, it’s Shante,” MotherThompson said. “We’ve been praying for you. Where are you hiding now?”
“I’m not hiding, Mother. I’m at Patrice’s in Atlanta. I’ll be here a couple of days.”
“Did you do what I told you?” Bishop asked after picking up the other receiver.
“I didn’t say anything. Even when they were calling me names, I didn’t say anything. I wanted to. I didn’t say a word. They sat me down.”
“We know, baby. Are you okay?”
“Yes, Mother. Patrice and I are going shopping. I think I’ll buy something to cook them a special meal when we get back. You know, something to say thank you for letting me stay with them.”
“Have you talked to Max?” Bishop asked.
“No, I haven’t talked to Max in a couple of weeks. We aren’t speaking to each other. I guess he told you he asked me to marry him and I said no.”
“Did you think about it first?” Mother’s soft voice echoed over the phone.
“I didn’t have to. I know I don’t want to get married now. I have so much going on. I can’t bring Max into all this.”
“He’s worried about you. He asked if you called us. I’m going to tell him that you’re fine and in Atlanta.”
“No, Bishop, don’t tell him where I am. You can tell him you heard from me, but don’t tell him where I am. I don’t want him to know. I’m embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed? What do you have to be embarrassed about? Being sat down? I was sat down before. You get over it. Count it all joy. You’re going to come out of this thing on top. I did and you will, too,” Bishop encouraged her.
“People are praying for you. You don’t need to be embarrassed. You have true friends here who know you and know you wouldn’t do anything to bring shame to the body of Christ. You’re a good woman. Come back to Charlotte soon. You’re going to have to learn to look the devil in the eye and stand.” Mother spoke with such authority it made Shante shiver.
“Amen, Agnes.”
“I know you’re hurting about this and about Max. You’ll see that everything is working for your good. It was done for evil, but God will make it good. Believe this in your heart.”
“I do, Mother. I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, baby. Let us know how you’re doing.”
Shante’s cellphone rang just as she finished talking with Bishop and Mother. She looked at the caller ID. It was Max. She debated whether to answer and decided to take the call to prevent him from sending her a text message. “Hello.”
“Shante?”
“Yes, Max,” she said, trying to sound confident. “How are you? I heard about everything. I was calling to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine. I’m getting ready to go shopping.” “You’re in Charlotte?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, Tay.”
“What are you sorry about? You didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“I’m sorry about everything—the proposal, the meeting, everything.”
“You’re sorry you proposed to me?” She was trying to start an argument so she would have an excuse to hang up.
“No, Tay, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry I proposed the way I did. I shouldn’t have had the boys involved. I’m sorry the meeting went the way it did. I feel it’s partly my fault. I was with you when that lady saw you in Greensboro.”
“Max, I would love to talk now, but I have to go. Patrice and I—” She caught herself. She didn’t want Max to know where she was.
“Patrice? You’re in Atlanta? How long are you going to be there? Can I come and see you? We can talk.”
“Max, I’ve got to go.” She hung up. The phone rang; this time it was Gwen. “Hey, I was just getting ready to call you. This phone has been a hotline this morning. How is everything going?”
“Don’t act like nothing is going on. How are you, girl? Ron and I have been praying so hard for you. You haven’t been answering your phone. We were worried. Patrice told me yesterday you were with her. How are you holding up?”
“All’s well.”
“How can you say that? We heard they sat you down.”
“That’s true. They did what they felt was necessary. That is all I’ve got to say about that. I’m dealing with it. Anyway, I needed the vacation. We’re getting ready to go shopping.”
“You mean you’re not cooking and cleaning?”
“I’m cooking this evening and Patrice’s housekeeper, Carmen, will be here to clean the house. I don’t have to clean this big house. It’s spic-and-span clean. It’s good to be down here; it takes my mind off things.”
“I’m sure Patrice will help you keep your mind off things. Don’t stay too long. When you come back, Ron and I want you to come to our church. Oh, yeah, Pastor Kay called and asked if you’re still going to do her conference Thanksgiving weekend. She said she tried to call you, but you haven’t returned her call. She really wants you to preach at her church. Call her back. I have her number.”
“I have it. I’ll call her back. I really appreciate her letting me preach in spite of all the things being said. I’ll definitely call her back. Thank you, Gwen. I hear Patrice coming. I’d better go. I’ll talk to you later. Tell Ron I said hello.”
“Shante, are you ready to go?” Patrice walked into the room wearing a light blue designer warm-up suit and blue-and-gray tennis shoes.
“Yeah. I don’t think anyone else will call me. I’ve talked to everyone who has been trying to get in touch with me. I even talked to Max.”
“Good. You’ll see, everything will work out for you,” Patrice reassured her.
Shante wanted to believe that. Her faith and everything in her told her to believe. However, doubt lingered. What would she do if she didn’t preach? It was in her blood. It was her passion. How can it be taken away from her? She envisioned many scenarios as they drove through heavy traffic on their way to Lennox Mall. Finally, she thought of her invitation to preach at Pastor Kay’s church and found a small glimmer of hope.
* * *
Shante and Patrice sat at a table in a small coffee shop talking about their purchases. It was sunny, although the early October air was a little chilly. The coffee shop was packed with people looking for a bit of warmth.
“Thank you for taking me to that shoe store. These shoes are hot,” Shante said, admiring the navy-blue stilettos she’d bought.
“It’s one of Atlanta’s best-kept secrets. Those shoes are nice. I’ll bet Max would love to see you in them.”
“Let’s not get on that again.”
“It doesn’t matter how much makeup you put on, you can’t cover up the sadness in your eyes. You love that man, and you need to tell him.”
“Mom? Aunt Patrice? What are you doing here?”
“Camille? The question is, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in class?” Shante asked as Camille came up to them carrying shopping bags.
“My classes start late on Monday. My first class is at three. Mom, what are you doing in Atlanta? Why didn’t you call me?”
“I was visiting Patrice. Sit down.” She pulled out a chair for Camille.
“Mom, I’m so glad to see you.”
“Why? Are you running out of money?” she asked, looking at Camille’s bags.
“Funny. I’ve got money. I saw Dad last week, and he gave me two thousand dollars.”
“What? Your dad came down here? I didn’t know he knew where you were going to school. And he gave you money?”
“Miracles do happen,” Patrice chimed in.
A waiter took Camille’s order for a latte. “Yeah, I was surprised, too. I figured since he’s never given me any money, this was a past-due child support payment and I took it. He owed me more than that. While he was down here, he could’ve paid some tuition, too. This is only a down payment on what he owes.”
“Amen, sister,” Patrice interjected.
“Don’t be so hard on your dad. Now that’s strange. Why all of a sudden would he come down here and give you money? That’s not like him.”
“I know, but two thousand dollars is two thousand dollars. Looks like I’m not the only one shopping. What did you get?” She began going through Shante’s bags.
“Just some shoes. ”
“Mom, those are nice. Max is going to love those shoes on you.”
Patrice laughed, openly enjoying Shante’s discomfort. “Didn’t you say you had class at three? It’s almost two. Don’t you need to be going?”
“You’re right. Are you staying tonight?”
“I’m staying with Patrice for a couple of days.”
Camille looked from Patrice to Shante. “What time will you be home? May I spend the night? My first class in the morning is at ten.”
“Is that all right, Patrice?”
“Sure, that’s fine. You can come over when you get out of class.”
The waiter returned with her latte. “Thanks. I’ll see you guys tonight. Bye, Mom, Aunt Patrice.” Camille gathered her bags and left, threading her way through the crowd.
“Now, that’s strange. I wonder what Kevin is up to?” Shante mused.
“He’s probably trying to look like the loving father now that he has those charges against him. He’s probably trying to get Camille on his side.”
“Patrice, he’s not getting any time for those charges; he got community service and counseling. He owed me that two thousand dollars and more for tearing up my house. This is so strange. It’s not like him.”
“Maybe he’s trying to change. Isn’t that what you Christians do? Change?”
Shante suspected that was Patrice’s way of introducing the subject of Shawn’s conversion. However, she felt the crowded café wasn’t a good place to have such a personal conversation. She decided to wait and talk to her later.
* * *
Camille was trying to wrap Shante’s hair. It had been a long day, and she was tired. She knew Camille wanted to talk, but she didn’t feel like it.
“How are Max and the boys?”
“They’re fine.”
“Fine? That’s all?”
“Yeah.”
“You said no, didn’t you?” Camille stopped combing Shante’s hair and sat next to her on the bed.
“Said no? No to what?”
“You did say no. When Max asked me to help him pick out the ring, I didn’t think you would say no. Why? Aren’t you in love with him?”
“You knew about the proposal?”
“Yeah, Max called me and asked if he could marry you. I was happy for you. He came down here, and we went shopping for the ring. Why did you say no?”
“It wasn’t time. There’s too much going on right now.” “That’s your excuse for everything. There’s too much going on now,” Camille said, imitating her mother. “Camille, I have to tell you something.”
“What, Mom? It sounds serious.”
“It is.”
“Are you sick?”
“No. There was a meeting at the church, and they sat me down. I’m not pastoring right now.”
Camille jumped up from the bed and walked around the room. “Oh, no, Mom. How could they? When did this happen? Why didn’t you call me?” Shante told her about Greensboro and the board meeting. Camille listened attentively but disbelievingly. “Mom, I know you didn’t do any of those things. I don’t see how you put up with it. Church folk make me sick.”
“Don’t say that, Camille. There are a lot of good people in the church.”
“I know. But when something like this happens, where are those good people? Did anybody do or say anything to defend you? Who stood up for you?”
“Some people walked out of the meeting without voting. Tank tried to maintain an open mind, and after the meeting he tried to encourage me. I know Tank is on my side.”
“But did he defend you, Mom? Did he stand up for you and call them to be the liars they are? No. He let you sit there and be accused of something you didn’t do. Do they know how hard we’ve struggled over the years while you were taking care of them? Do they know how many times you missed my activities to take care of their families? Do they know, Mom? Did they appreciate what you did? No. That’s how people are. They use you up, and when they don’t need you anymore, they toss you aside.”
“Where is all this anger coming from? I’m mad, but not that mad. You need to calm down and watch what you say.”
“No, Mom. I’m tired of the way those people have treated you. They expect you to be everything for everybody and to be everyplace at the same time. You’re not God. They’re supposed to be so holy, yet they depend on you more than on God. And what do you do? You run yourself ragged until you collapse. And how do they show their appreciation? By trying to destroy you even more.”
“That’s not true. I enjoy what I do. I’m committed to what I do. I love the ministry. You know that sometimes we have to go through things. This is what I have to go through.”
“Mom, you don’t have to preach to me. I’ve heard you crying at night. I hear you pray. I know when you’re hurting. Sometimes it seems as if I’m the only one who cares about you. It’s a good thing I’m in Atlanta; I would tell those people some things.”
“Please calm down. This isn’t helping anything.”
“You don’t have to be strong for me. When I saw you today, you looked as if you hadn’t slept in a while. You looked bad. Is this why you’re not marrying Max? If it is, then you need to call him and tell him you’ve changed your mind. Don’t let the people in your church keep you from being happy. Max makes you happy. I saw the two of you together. You had a glow about you. I can’t remember ever seeing you like that before.”
“I can’t be with him now. It’s not the right time.”
“You can’t? Is it because of the church or what Dad did to you?” Camille’s question surprised Shante. She had tried to keep what happened with Kevin a secret from her. She had never told Camille about the incidents that had led her to leaving Kevin. Now, she wondered if Camille had known all along. “I know you don’t want to admit it, Mom, but I’m an adult now. We can talk about things. I know how you got those scars on your face. I know Dad did that to you; I’ve known for a while.”
“How did you find out?”
“Aunt Gwen. She thought I already knew, but I didn’t until she told me. I wanted to ask you about them, but you never wanted to talk about him. Is it still hurting you? Does it still hurt to remember what happened? Are you afraid you’ll get hurt like that again?”
“Max is not like your dad.”
“That is my point exactly. He is not like Dad. They’re completely different, but when you look at him, do you see all the hurt of a past relationship and fear getting into another? Is it that fear that is keeping you from loving Max? Are you still running and hiding like the day you left Dad?”
“So you’re a psych major now?”
“I’m serious, Mom. Have you stopped running? That was a long time ago. You need to stop running. You can’t be afraid anymore. Dad beat you into submission, and out of fear you ran and hid from him. You know people can sense fear. That’s why you are being attacked at the church. The enemy sensed fear. And what did you do? What you always do; you ran and hid.”
Shante sat on the bed quietly listening to Camille. She was right, and God was using Camille to minister to her.
“Is that why you’re still running? Do you fear being hurt again?” Camille’s voice rose.
“Maybe that is part of it. You don’t know how it feels to look into a mirror every day of your life and see the scars of a bad decision. It was a bad decision to marry your dad. Now, I have to look at this reminder every day. Even when I try to cover it up, I’m still reminded of it. It hurts sometimes, but I keep moving. It keeps me from thinking about it.”
“Mom, you’ve got to stop running. Come here.” Camille took her hand and walked her over to the mirror. “Look at yourself. You don’t have on any makeup. You’re beautiful. This is who you are. You are a testament to the ability of the human spirit to triumph over adversity. You had a situation, but it doesn’t have you. You overcame. When are you going to realize that? You are beautiful and intelligent, and I know you try to live right. When Max looks at you, he sees what I see; even more so because he’s looking at you differently.”
The tears began to fall down her face. Shante felt as if a weight had been lifted. Camille was right, and she wanted to change. But she didn’t know how.
“Didn’t you and Max go to college together? He was attracted to you then. Look at yourself. When Max sees you, he looks beyond the scars and the hurt, and he sees you—the real you, the beautiful you—just as God does. He looks beyond what you see as faults and sees the real you. The Bible says when God made us, he looked at us and said we were very good in his sight. Look at yourself, Mom. God made you, and you are very good. I’m going to tell you the most used phrase in the Bible: fear not. Fear not what people are going to do or say to you. You are redeemed from the hands of the enemy. Those people in that church can only do one thing for you, and that’s move you to where God wants you to be. Look at Joseph. People did things to him to hurt him. They didn’t know that God was using them to move him to where he needed to be, to fulfill something God had spoken in his life a long time ago. You should give Max another chance. He loves you unconditionally. But I can’t tell you what to do. I’m just a child.”
“No, you’re not.” Shante said, turning to face her daughter. “You’re an adult—my daughter. You’re full of more wisdom than I have given you credit for. You’re right. Everything you said is right. Thank you for telling me. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mom.” Camille hugged Shante and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“I’m glad I came to Atlanta. I needed this. Look at me. I look a mess. Let me freshen up, and then I think I’ll go to bed.”
“Okay, Mom, but you look great. Keep telling yourself that.”
Shante studied her face in the bathroom mirror. She remembered how she got every scar. She tried to imagine herself without them. She could only see the scars, but she knew Camille was right. She was going to have to begin seeing herself as God saw her. Why had she allowed Kevin to continue to have control over her? And he knew he still had control over her mind and actions. She vowed to end his control over her. She made up her mind to do an inventory of herself when she got back to Charlotte and try to work on every area of her life. It was time she lived what she preached. She began to pray. Afterward, she went back to the bedroom; Camille was already asleep. She looked at her daughter. She was no longer her little girl, but a woman of great wisdom—and she was a gift from God.
* * *
“Good morning, sleepy head. You really slept late this morning. It’s after ten. You want some coffee?” Patrice said as Shante dragged herself into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry I slept so late. This was the first night in a long time I’ve slept through the night. I guess I was tired. Has Camille left yet?”
“Yeah, she left over an hour ago. She said she had to get to class. She didn’t want to wake you. She said you looked so peaceful.”
Shante sat down at the table. Patrice handed her a cup of coffee and sat down across from her. “Thank you for letting me stay with you. I think I’m going to go back to Charlotte this afternoon. Are you going to work today?”
“No.” Patrice sighed. “I thought you would stay longer. I took a couple of sick days this week. I thought we could spend some time together. It’s been so long since we hung out. Do you really have to leave today?”
“I want to leave. I want to get back to work. It’s time I face up to my problems and stop running. Camille and I had a long talk last night. Did you know she knew about Kevin and me?”
“Yeah, we talked about it.”
“How did everyone know but me? Anyway, I think my congregation should know what’s going on from me. People can distort the truth so much, and I need to face my enemies and show them I’m not scared—that means Kevin, too.” Shante took a sip of her coffee.
“If you have to go back, then I won’t stop you. I wish you would stay.”
“Patrice, is something wrong?”
“Well, we really haven’t had time to talk since you’ve been here. Each time I wanted to come to your room and talk, I would hear you praying. I waited a couple of times, but, girl, you pray too long.”
“I’m listening now.”
“But you’re ready to go home.”
“I can wait. What’s going on?”
Patrice didn’t answer. She got up and went to the counter and poured another cup of coffee. “You want some more coffee? You haven’t eaten. Can I get you something to eat?”
“Some more coffee would be fine.” Something was going on with Patrice. She was not her usual loud, joking, trash-talking self, and she hadn’t been since she arrived. She decided she would stay another day; Patrice needed her. “Is this about Shawn? Are the two of you having trouble?”
“How could he do this to us? How could he do something like that without discussing it with me?”
“What did he do?”
“He got saved. When he told me, I almost fainted. I couldn’t believe he would do something like that. First it was Gwen, then you, and now my own husband. Why couldn’t things stay as they were? We were so happy.”
“Has it been that bad since he got saved?”
“No, it really hasn’t been bad at all. I just don’t know what to say to him. I loved him the way he was. He didn’t have to change. Now everything is going to change. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, lose my family.”
“Why do you think Shawn getting saved will lead to your losing him?”
“We were so close. We could talk about anything. We had fun. We went out. We traveled. Our lovemaking was always so passionate and adventurous. You know, there were times when I went to his office in nothing but a coat and some shoes, and there were times when he would pay me a visit at work. We were happy. I could look at him and tell what he was thinking. He could look at me the same way. When the kids were young, we made sure there was at least one special day during the week we spent alone together. When he was trying to start his practice, we worked together to build it up. We were so good together. Now all that is over.”
“Why is it over?”
“He’s going to turn into one of those church folk you and Gwen are always telling me about—self-righteous and judgmental. They do horrible things to good people. Look at what they’re doing to you. I don’t want that to happen to Shawn, my children, or me. You know I would definitely hurt somebody. I won’t let anyone destroy my family.”
“What makes you think he’s going to be like them? Has he done anything to make you think he’s self-righteous and judgmental?”
“No, but I’m afraid he’s going to change the more he goes to church. I don’t want to lose my husband. I love him. Sometimes I think he’s looking at everything I do. I feel so uncomfortable having a glass of wine in the evening. After a long day, we used to snuggle, have a glass of wine, and talk. We haven’t done that since he got saved. I don’t know who he is anymore. We used to go out dancing. I’m afraid to ask him to go anywhere. Look at us. Look around you. We have a great life. We’re successful and living in a prominent neighborhood. We have two beautiful, smart children who have their own successes. Travis has college recruiters running after him to play football for their school. Tiffany finally got that crazy idea of going to Europe out of her head, and she has settled into life at Hampton. We have money. We have everything.” Patrice began to cry as Shante leaned over and stroked her shoulder.
“I know change can be hard. Let me ask you something. What has changed with our relationship? What has changed with your relationship with Gwen?”
“We don’t go to strip clubs anymore.” Patrice laughed nervously.
“Do you want to go to strip clubs?”
“No, I’m too old for that foolishness now.”
“Has anything else changed?”
“Not really. We still have fun. We joke around as we used to. We don’t get to see each other often. When we do, we pick up where we left off. The only thing that has really changed is that we’re older and have adult children now.”
“Then why does it have to change with Shawn?”
“I don’t want him to turn into one of those church people.”
“Patrice, I’m sorry I’ve given you the impression that church folk are bad people. If I had known it was having an effect on you, I wouldn’t have talked to you about the trouble I’ve had in my church. I apologize. I didn’t mean to give you a bad impression. The truth is, there are many good people—Christians—in the church. They’re people of integrity. They’re fun to be around. They make my work so much easier. They’re faithful and honest. They know how to love unconditionally. They would give their lives for their friends and family. There are so many good people in the church. They are the ones who don’t get attention. It’s the loud ones, the troublemakers, who get all the attention. They are few in numbers. Is this why you haven’t made a commitment to Christ? Because of what Gwen and I said?”
“I don’t want to be like those people.”
“You don’t have to be. Being in a relationship with Christ is a personal thing. You have to know him for yourself. You have to believe that God loves you unconditionally. God accepts you for who you are. He wants to be a part of your life.”
“How can God accept me? I love my life. I don’t feel anything needs to change.”
“But you feel something is missing, don’t you?”
“I have felt it for a long time. I didn’t know what was going on. When Shawn said he had gotten saved, something inside me wanted to be with him. It was as if he had the courage to do what I should have been doing. I don’t know if God can forgive me for some of the things I have done—all of the guys I slept with before I met Shawn.”
“How long have you known me?” Shante asked. “Haven’t I been with a few guys myself and done some things, too? Remember that time at Freak-Nik when we entered that wet t-shirt contest?”
Patrice started to laugh. “Yeah, and Gwen won because her breasts were bigger than everybody else’s.”
“God forgave me for that. And what about that time I entered that amateur striptease contest at that club?”
Patrice laughed even harder. “You were so awful. Gwen and I were the only ones who screamed for you. We had some fun back then. We were so wild when the three of us got together.”
“I can go on and on, but the point is God forgave me and he can forgive you, too.”
“Yeah, but you were always different.”
“Different how? I was a sinner, and one day I asked God to forgive me and he did. Yes, my life changed, but it changed for the better. Yours will, too. All you have to do is confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and declare him Lord over your life.”
“Is it that easy?”
“Yes, it is that easy. You don’t need a preacher, a choir, and people praying over you. All you need to say is, ‘God, I am a sinner.’ ”
“God, I am a sinner,” Patrice repeated.
“Forgive me of my sins.”
“Forgive me of my sins.”
“I declare you Lord over my life.”
Patrice repeated the words, tears spilling down her cheeks.
“Come into my life and cleanse me of unrighteousness.” “Come into my life and cleanse me of unrighteousness,” she said softly.
“It’s that easy. Now you’re saved. Your life will change forever. Your marriage will be better.”
Patrice continued crying. Shante went over to her and hugged her. She allowed Patrice to cry for several minutes. After Patrice calmed down, Shante returned to her seat.
“Now what?”
“Now you love your husband. Now you love your children.”
“What should I do?”
“You go on living. Instead of going to clubs or casinos, you’ll find a number of things to do together as a family and a couple. These things will only build you and your family up. Find a good church to go to together. I know someone here in Atlanta I can recommend, but you don’t have to go where I send you. Your husband has a church now. Go with him. Spend some time with him studying your Bible. You’ll find it will relax you and strengthen your marriage.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. In my opinion, Christian men are so romantic, sexy, and passionate.”
“Like Max?” Patrice asked.
“Yes, like Max,” Shante said shyly. “Have you talked to Shawn since he got saved?”
“Not really. I didn’t know what to say.”
“Then it’s time to talk to him. I’ll tell you what. We can get ready and go to the spa. We both could use it.
We’ll get the whole treatment—facial, nails, massage, sauna, the works—my treat. Then you can pay your husband a visit on the job. I’m sure he hasn’t seen you in those shoes and a coat in a long time. He’ll welcome the visit, and it’ll open the door for you to talk. After the spa, I’ll go home. You two don’t need me around while you get reacquainted. Besides, it’s time for me to go back to Charlotte and face my own issues.”
“I’m so glad you came here, Shante. I love you.”
“I love you, too. If you need anything, let me know, okay?”
“Okay.”
“All right then, let’s go. Before we get to the spa, can we stop and get something to eat? I’m starving.”
“I see you’re getting back to your old self. I’m glad. Come on, let’s go.”