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I couldn’t stay in the apartment anymore. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth my sanity. And since Ray was completely content with the routine we had established, I didn’t want to rock his boat. After all, his mind was more important than mine. He was the one supposedly working some grand, scheming plan to help all this pan out. I didn’t want to bother him with yet another argument that I knew would end in the same fashion.
I couldn’t go out. It would only be a little longer. We could make it. Blah blah blah.
I slipped on some clothes and stepped out of the apartment for the first time since I’d arrived back in New York City. Having everything delivered was going to drive me nuts. Even if it was just for a cup of coffee, being amongst people again would be nice. Hearing them talk and laugh, and even curse, would be better than the muted silence of the apartment. I walked down the block to the first coffee shop I came across. I purchased a large black coffee with both cream and sugar, then decided to go on a longer stroll. The city breeze wafted against my face, and I pulled my coat closer around me.
I was cold. Outside.
The feeling made me smile.
I stared into a few of the shops as I slowly meandered along. People shoved me around and hissed for me to get out of the way, and I loved it. Feeling other people around me helped me release a weight off my shoulders that had been sitting there for far too long. I walked ten blocks up the road before I turned and came back, dipping in and out of the little boutiques. There were craft items and handmade pottery. A sweet shop where I picked up some candies to munch on later and a small grocer that had my favorite flavor of aloe water. I hung the bags from my wrist and finished off my coffee, then tossed it into a trash can.
“Looking for Ray, I presume?”
I sighed before my eyes closed. I gripped the plastic bags around my wrist as her voice wafted over my ears. The last fucking person on this planet I wanted to run into, and there she was. Standing right behind me.
“Hello, Vivien,” I said as I turned around.
She had the smuggest grin on her face. One I wanted to slap right off her thin, fishy lips. Her arms were laden with shopping bags emblazoned with various designer boutique logos. A hat shop. A shop that was suited for accessories. A lingerie store.
Ick.
“Well, if you’re looking for him, then you should probably speak with Amber Harris first. The two of them are seeing each other now,” Vivien said.
“I hope they’re very happy,” I said.
“Oh, very. Those two are peas in a pod, you know. I told you it wouldn’t work out with the two of you.”
I rolled my eyes, no longer caring what it looked like to her.
“Miss Freesia, allow me to educate you,” Vivien said.
“Please don’t,” I said flatly.
“Women like yourself always get their comeuppance. You might know it as ‘karma.’”
Without listening to another word while she chirped along, I turned on my feet and walked away. I was no longer willing to entertain Vivien and her vitriol, the acid-laced vomit she spewed because she was a miserable old hag. I walked down the street, heading for the apartment complex. But I figured I probably couldn’t go inside, especially if Vivien was following me.
So, I took the stairs down into the subway and got on.
As I sat down in the chair with my bags swinging between my legs, I closed my eyes. I remembered Amber Harris. The thin, blonde, tall woman with the staunch gray eyes. She was beautiful, and I felt myself faltering in my trust for Ray.
He wouldn’t have come after you if he was involved with another woman.
I sighed as my mind attempted to reassure me.
I thought about the last conversation Ray and I had. Where he had mentioned Amber at the drop of a hat before skirting around the topic. I figured his parents had tried to force her onto him after I had left town. Using him as another pawn or whatever, like they tried right in front of me at the party. But was that wrong of me to assume? Was there something more going on?
I knew Ray. I knew that he would have never come after me had he still been in the throes of some idiotic relationship with another woman. Even if it had been a private affair. But still, hearing those words from Vivien Brant’s mouth made me queasy. And conflicted.
I thought I knew Ray, at least.
I didn’t want to believe a word Vivien said, and I trusted Ray. I really did. But it didn’t make the knot in my stomach disappear any quicker.
I rode the subway until I had to get off and take it back. I’d been out and about for two hours at that point, so I figured it was okay to head back to the apartment. I thought about Ray the entire time. Him sitting and having dinner with Amber. Him holding her hand. Had they ever kissed? Ever slept together? Did he really try dating someone else before coming after me?
Was he still dating her?
I finally got back up to the apartment and spent the rest of the afternoon piecing together an elaborate dinner for us both. Bread bowls of soup I made fresh on the stove before diving into a hearty chicken Alfredo, complete with fresh broccoli, mushrooms, red peppers, and roasted garlic cloves.
I was on edge as I waited for Ray to appear.
Should I ask him about Amber? About what exactly went down between the two of them? Or was I smart in assuming Vivien was only trying to torture me more? I sighed as I began setting the small table for us. I opened a bottle of white wine and poured out two tall glasses of it. I didn’t like doubts creeping up between us. I didn’t like doubts creeping into any relationship, period. If we didn’t have trust, we didn’t have anything. And I really did trust Ray.
Who I didn’t trust was Vivien.
Then again, I’d come all the way back to New York City with the understanding that I was entirely committed to making this thing work between me and Ray. Was he under the same assumption? I got the impression from him with several conversations that things were over between him and Amber. In fact, he had been almost explicit about it.
Had something happened? Or was Vivien being the one misled?
Maybe that was part of his plan?
Don’t rock the boat, Violet. It’s never good when you do.
I heard the elevator chime in the hallway, but I didn’t step out of the kitchen. I heard the knob on the front door twist open, but I didn’t go to greet Ray. I finished my first glass of wine on an empty stomach, then promptly poured myself another one.
I heard him wander into the kitchen as I set the bottle back down onto the counter.
“Oh, you made one of my favorites,” Ray said.
I felt him slip his arms around me, but it was the first time I’d ever been hesitant to touch him. I paused for a second before I leaned back into him, and the pause must’ve been a little too long. I felt him tense before he kissed the top of my head; then he pulled away from me and leaned against the kitchen island.
Behind me instead of beside me, like he normally did.
“Something on your mind?” Ray asked.
I sighed heavily before I turned around, abandoning my glass of wine in favor of trying to drink in Ray’s beautiful stare. His gaze was locked onto me, rushing around my body and trying to get a read on me. I knew I’d been distant the past few days, and it was my fault for not speaking up. For not speaking my mind because I was afraid of what could happen. If this was going to be our life for now, then communication was key. I had to tell him everything. What was going through my mind? What I had done today.
Who I had run into.
“Could we talk over dinner?” I asked.
Ray nodded. “Of course we can. You can always talk to me, you know that, right?”
“I do. For the most part.”
“For the most part?”
I tried relaxing in his presence. Ray pushed off the kitchen island and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. His hand stroked through my freshly washed hair as I sighed against him. But the doubt still sitting in my stomach wouldn’t let me relax against him.
Not like I really wanted to.
“Come on. I’m sure you’ve had a long day,” I said.
“Violet, don’t do this. Don’t shut me out,” Ray said.
I pulled away from his grasp and looked up into his eyes.
“I’m not shutting you out. At least, I don’t want to anymore. I just want to sit down and have this conversation, okay?”
Ray nodded softly. “Anything you want. You know that.”
Yeah, except I can’t go outside. Ever.
We walked over to the table, and I grabbed the bottle of wine. I set it between us, the food steaming as we pulled out our chairs. I felt Ray tangle his legs with mine, trying to touch me and get as close to me as he possibly could. I stared into his beautiful eyes, those comforting, logical, reasonable eyes. I felt guilty for holding all of this stuff back from him because of some stupid argument that didn’t go my way.
I just hoped I hadn’t permanently fucked things up.
“What’s on your mind, Violet? What’s going on?” Ray asked.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He nodded. “I’m more concerned as to whether or not you’re okay.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think I am, no. And I want you to understand that I do trust you. I trust what you tell me with this grand plan of yours and everything you’ve told me up until this point.”
“Just because you trust me doesn’t mean you have to be okay with what’s going on. I’m not okay with what’s going on right now. I know this is hard you on. I see it in your eyes. And I’m trying as hard as I can t—”
I held up my hand and drew in a deep breath. This definitely wasn’t going to go how I wanted it to go. Ray was already spewing this guilt he had apparently been carrying around with him, which meant neither of us had done a good job communicating with the other. I pinched the bridge of my nose before I took another long pull of my wine. Then, I settled back into my chair.
None of this would go away until we both addressed it.
But that didn’t mean we were in for a pleasant evening, either.
