First class in modern Moral Philosophy stand up and recite:
What is the chief end of man?
A. To get rich.
In what way?
A. Dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must.
Who is God, the one only and true?
A. Money is God. Gold and greenbacks and stock—father, son, and the ghost of the same—three persons in one: these are the true and only God, mighty and supreme; and William Tweed is his prophet.
Name the twelve disciples.
A. St. Ass’s Colt Hall, whereon the prophet rode into Jerusalem; St. Connolly, the beloved disciple; St. Matthew Carnochan, that sitteth at the receipt of customs; St. Peter Fisk, the belligerent disciple; St. Paul Gould, that suffereth many stripes and glorieth in them; St. Iscariot Winans; St. Jacob Vanderbilt, the essteamed disciple; St. Garvey, the chair-itable; St. Ingersoll, of the holy carpets; St. N. Y. Printing Co., the meek and lowly, that letteth not its right hand know what its left hand taketh; St. Peter Hoffman, that denied his (Irish) master when the public cock had crowed six or seven times; St. Barnard, the wise judge, who imparteth injunctions in time of trouble, whereby the people are instructed to their salvation.
How shall a man attain the chief end of life?
A. By furnishing imaginary carpets to the Court-House, apocryphal chairs to the armories, and invisible printing to the city.
Are there other ways?
A: Yea. By purchasing the quarantine apostle for a price; by lightering shipmen of all they possess; by proceeding through immigrants from over sea; by burying the moneyless at the public charge and transhipping the rest 10 miles at $40 a head. By testing iron work for buildings. By furnishing lead and iron gas-pipes to the Court-House and then conveying the impression in the bill that they were constructed of gold and silver and set with diamonds. By taking care of the public parks at $5 an inch. By loafing around gin mills on a salary under the illusion that you are imparting impetus to a shovel on the public works.
Are these sufficient? If not, what shall a man do else, to be saved?
A. Make out his bill for ten prices and deliver nine of them into the hands of the prophet and the holy family. Then shall he be saved.
Who were the models the young were taught to emulate in former days?
A. Washington and Franklin.
Whom do they and should they emulate now in this era of larger enlightenment?
A. Tweed, Hall, Connolly, Carnochan, Fisk, Gould, Barnard, and Winans.
What works were chiefly prized for the training of the young in former days?
A. Poor Richard’s Almanac, the Pilgrim’s Progress, and the Declaration of Independence.
What are the best prized Sunday-school books in this more enlightened age?
A. St. Hall’s Garbled Reports, St. Fisk’s Ingenious Robberies, St. Carnochan’s Guide to Corruption, St. Gould on the Watering of Stock, St. Barnard’s Injunctions, St. Tweed’s Handbook of Morals, and the Court-House edition of the Holy Crusade of the Forty Thieves.
Do we progress?
A. You bet your life!
Yours truly, MARK TWAIN.
September 27, 1871