Ruby dared to feel optimistic as she pushed through the doors of Oakwood Care Home at lunchtime. His face set in grim determination, Bones had taken the seized envelopes and promised a quick result. A forensic investigation would be launched on the gum sealing the envelopes as well as the usual fingerprints, paper, and printer ink analysis. It seemed a good opportunity to sneak out for a ten-minute visit. But she should have known that her good mood wouldn’t last.
Harmony met her in the corridor and gently steered her to one side. She was the sweetest, most maternal person Ruby knew and she treated everyone as if they were her nearest and dearest, instead of just part of her job. But today her eyes were filled with concern, and Ruby felt her heart flutter in her chest.
‘What’s wrong?’ Ruby said, looking past her shoulder. ‘Is Mum OK?’
‘Now don’t you go worrying, gal, she be just fine. She’s just a bit agitated. I wanted to let you know so you could both take things slow.’
‘Agitated? Why, what happened?’
‘She decided she didn’t want to eat and threw her porridge against the wall. There’s no reasoning with her I’m afraid, but come, sit awhile. She be a lot calmer now.’
‘Mum?’ Ruby said, feeling the old familiar tightness grab a tight hold of her chest. She had felt the same way when her mum had to be taken into the home: overwrought with guilt because she had not been able to care for her by herself. She had tried and failed, and they had both been miserable. After finding Oakwood the tightly bound anxiety had slowly released its hold. Mum was happier, which in turn helped Ruby relax. But she could not bear another reminder of her mother’s crumbling mind. And now, seeing her with her unkempt hair and oddly coloured socks the old feelings of anxiety and guilt returned.
‘It’s just an off day,’ Harmony said, no doubt sensing her discord.
‘Thank you,’ Ruby said. ‘I won’t stay too long because I’ve got work, but I’ll ring a little later; see how she is around lunch time if that’s OK.’
‘You ring whenever you like, my love. I’m sure we’ll persuade her to eat by then, even if I have to get Geoffrey over there to ask nicely. Isn’t that right, Geoff?’ she said, winking at the auburn-haired young man who was helping an elderly gent to his seat.
Ruby thought how there was something very attractive about selfless people. If only she didn’t find herself chasing the wrong men.
Ruby leaned in to kiss her mother on the cheek; backing off when she received a hostile glare. ‘I can’t stay long,’ she said, itching to fix the buttons on her mother’s red cardigan. She had obviously dressed herself, batting away any offers of assistance. Perhaps her annoyance lay in the memory taking centre stage today. Her mother mumbled under her breath, her fingers tightly bound in two fists.
‘What’s wrong, Mum? You don’t seem yourself today.’
‘What’s wrong? What’s wrong you ask?’ Joy said, shaking her head. ‘It’s Ruby. She’s only gone and got herself pregnant. With none other than that young Crosby boy from next door.’
‘Mum… ’ Ruby said, trying to gently steer her mother into the present. But Joy was not listening.
‘I should have known when she left to set up home with him. I’ve got a good mind to go around there right now. She thinks she knows everything, but she’s just a child herself.’
‘It’s okay, Mum, I’m Ruby. I’m home. Everything’s okay.’
Her mother looked at her as if she were mad. ‘You’re not Ruby; my daughter’s barely eighteen. You’re a long way from eighteen.’ She folded her arms, her fists still tightly bunched. ‘Dammit, if it were anyone but the Crosbys I’d be pleased for her.’
This piqued Ruby’s interest, and not knowing whether it was the right thing to do or not she played along. ‘What’s wrong with the Crosbys?’
‘Gertie, if you don’t know what’s wrong with the Crosbys you haven’t been listening to me for the last ten years.’
Ruby sighed. Her mother’s sister Gertie had passed away two years before. She had always said Ruby looked like her. ‘Sorry. I thought you liked Nathan,’ Ruby said.
‘Of course I like him. That poor boy is like one of my own. But his father… meanness like that passes through the bloodstream. There’s no avoiding it.’
Ruby knew what her mother meant. His father’s cruelty had beat Nathan from a beautiful little boy that called her Wuby to a man too tortured to show his emotions, confusing love with weakness. His brother, Lenny, had taken the brunt of the physical punishments. But Nathan had not escaped his childhood untarnished. Years of mental abuse had taken its toll: watching his mother and brother get beaten, being swatted back when he tried to help. He hated his father with a passion, but had been powerless to stop him.
‘I remember when he was seven years old,’ Joy said, grim-faced. ‘I found him hiding in the wardrobe, shaking like a leaf because his father had lost it, threatening to blow their brains out with a gun before he left. The poor child was so scared he vomited into his hands. Can you imagine what that does to a person? And now they think they can bring a child of their own into the world. It’s unthinkable, that’s what it is.’
Ruby knew all about it. Years of abuse had come out as Nathan and Ruby lay in their squat, stoned. She knew at the time it was therapy, but it pained her to relive each stinging blow, each cruel word. It was those dark confessions that got Ruby through the hard times in their relationship; when Nathan wouldn’t speak, or became bad tempered because she spoke to another boy. She was the only solid thing he had in life. The only person that could make him feel that there was still some good in him. But as Nathan grew, so did his independence. Their year of living recklessly ran out of steam, and Ruby grew tired of getting wasted on cannabis when she should be doing something with her life. Finding out she was pregnant was a game changer. It was why Ruby had agreed with her mother when she suggested they give the baby up for adoption.
Joy had gone quiet now; her energy sapped by the anger she had awoken with that morning. Nathan would never have a bad word said against his own mother. But he must have known she could not be relied upon to put their daughter’s welfare first. To her, children were possessions, part of a family unit that could never be torn apart. She would have insisted both Ruby and Nathan move in with them. And then the cycle of abuse would have begun all over again. With no money and a failing relationship, Ruby and Nathan allowed themselves to be steered by her mother, and so they had given their baby up in the hope she would be afforded a better life.
With a sinking feeling, Ruby wondered if she was destined to be like her mother, battling a past that would not let go.