Twenty-Sex
The welcoming party of Yaner and Buster sang a full chorus for Jen’s return to the lake. Straining at the edge of their Invisible Fence, the dogs jumped over each other as they watched Jen get out of the car and retrieve her bag. As soon as she set foot on the brick walkway, Buster, Kay’s shelter dog, sprang up to Jen’s waist for quick kisses on her hands. She bent down and roughed them up, scratching behind their ears. Quivering with excitement, Buster backed up to Jen, signaling that he wanted to be picked up. She scooped him up, and he kissed her chin as they made their way to the cabin.
She opened the front door and spotted Kristin playing with Tommy in the living room. Jen set down Buster and joined them.
“Mommy home! Mommy home!” Kristin jumped into Jen’s arms.
“How’s my baby girl?”
Kristin hugged Jen’s neck so tightly that Jen could barely breath.
“Missed mommy that much, huh?”
Kristin nodded.
“Welcome back, Jen. How was your trip?” Kay asked from the kitchen island, where she was preparing the familiar lunch spread.
“It was fine. Thanks again for taking care of Kristin.” Even though Jen had tried to sound positive, Kay cast a curious glance, probably detecting the flat undertone in Jen’s voice and the blotchy streaks on her face.
“Wet!” Kristin declared of the collar on Jen’s flannel, holding it in her chubby fingers.
“Yes. Mommy spilled water on my shirt while I was driving,” Jen fibbed.
“Maybe Mommy needs a sippy cup,” Tommy said, as he rose from the living room floor.
Kay squinted at the front of Jen’s flannel, making Jen feel like a teenager getting busted for drinking and smoking. “How was Dr. Olson? Did you like his clinic?”
“Um. Okay. Sort of,” Jen said.
Roger looked up from a book he was reading at the dining table. “Just okay, huh?”
Kay paused from food prep, focusing intently on Jen.
Might as well get this over with . “To be honest, I’m not sure the physician practice clicked with me. It was a preliminary visit, and they’re all very nice people, but I’m not sure I want to pursue it.”
Tommy looked up from washing his hands and locked eyes with Jen.
She saw the Italian sweetness in him so clearly. The compassion. The tenderness. The love. He also could read her as well as anyone. She gave him a small, reassuring smile. Satisfied, he dried off his hands and began slicing cheese.
“What didn’t you like about it?” Kay asked.
“Just the intangibles, you know? That’s why you visit a place before you take a job, to get a feel for the culture. It’s a very respectable clinic with very accomplished physicians. I’ll give them that.”
“But?” Roger asked.
But they’re too corporate and buttoned-up for me, Jen thought. “It made me realize how valued I am at the Cohen Clinic and what a loyal panel of patients I have. I really like my practice and partners in San Francisco, so it would take a lot to lure me away from them.” She filled a sippy with water and gave it to Kristin.
Tommy wisely remained silent, but she could tell by his relaxed body language that he was pleased with what she was saying. He had been polite but clear the previous morning over coffee that he wanted her to stay in San Francisco.
She lay a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. If he suspected that her decision had something to do with keeping him in Kristin’s life, he was right. If he suspected further that her decision had something to do with her overnight stay at Victoria’s, he would be right about that too.
“Take your time,” Kay said. “We’ll support whatever decision you make.” Jen could hear the disappointment in Kay’s voice, and it killed her to have raised her parents’ hopes only to dash them. Before Jen could say something soothing to Kay, Kay walked to the screened porch and told Jake and Patrick that lunch was ready. They paused their cribbage game and came inside.
“Hey, stranger,” Patrick said when he entered the kitchen.
“Hi,” Jen said.
Jake didn’t say anything but tapped the side of his neck, signaling to Jen that she might have a love bite on her neck. She pulled the damp collar of her flannel up a little higher to cover it. He laughed, indicating he was messing with her yet again.
She flipped him off behind their parents’ backs.
Everyone built a sandwich as they made their way through the lunch buffet, Jen making a plate for Kristin but not herself. Kristin sat on Jen’s lap and ate, staying glued to her mother. Over lunch, Kay filled Jen in on absolutely, positively everything Kristin had said and done—all adorable—in Jen’s absence.
Jen hugged Kristin, bouncing her a few times on her knee, and the dogs crowded around Jen’s legs under the table, having concluded that Kristin was their best bet for scraps. Sizeable bites of food slipped from her fingers, and sometimes, she purposefully threw food at them just for grins and giggles.
Jen noticed that no one asked her about Victoria, for which she was relieved. Even Jake had the good sense not to go there in front of Tommy and their parents. Turnabout being fair play, she was sure he was protecting himself if ever in the same position.
Out of the blue and entirely off-topic, which was so Patrick, he asked, “Who wants to watch the Perseid meteor shower tonight? It’s supposed to be one of the best—like 10 shooting stars per minute.”
“That sounds like fun,” Jen said. “We should build a fire and have s’mores.”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing the Perseid meteor shower,” Tommy said. “I’ve seen it mentioned on the local news, but the pollution from the city lights has always prevented me from seeing it.”
“It’s super dark here. You’ll see how spectacular it is.” Patrick turned to Jen. “A fire will attract the mosquitos, and the glow will obscure the meteor show. Let’s nix the fire.”
“Mosquitos and meteors,” Jake mocked. “You’re such a dork. Since when do mosquitos and meteors derail a fire?”
“Do what you want,” Patrick said, “but I’m going to stand on the end of the dock where the visibility will be better.”
“Right. No mosquitos down there,” Jake said sarcastically. “I’ll spray the camp fogger around the fire pit, and fifteen minutes later, there won’t be any mosquitos.”
“I don’t know if I want Kristin running around in the grass after you’ve sprayed that,” Jen said.
“She’s not supposed to run in the grass where I’ve sprayed,” Jake said. “I’ll stick to the edge of the lawn, far away from the fire pit. Just keep her on the brick circle, and she’ll be fine.”
Jen exchanged glances with Kay. “I’ll supervise the spraying tonight,” Jen said.
“Is she always this bossy?” Jake asked Tommy.
Tommy raised his hands. “Don’t put me in the middle.”
Jen looked from Jake, who was grumpy today, to Tommy, who gave her an adoring smile. Was I bossy when I lived with Tommy? Amanda doesn’t think I’m bossy, does she? Jen immediately shook off the thought as the worst type of dependence.
A pang of shame surged through her as she sat at the table, surrounded by her loving family, including Tommy, who had always been loyal to her. She felt a little tarnished from sex with Victoria, but she had never felt this way after being with Amanda, or even Tommy for that matter. She was an adult who had every right to begin a relationship with another adult. Maybe it was the light kink that gave rise to the grimy after-taste. She found herself on the verge of crying again, not comprehending all the confusion coursing through her.
She looked down at her ring finger—again. No ring. She had removed the diamond band Amanda had given her and left it in San Francisco. Her finger felt naked without it even though she had worn it for a very short time. Several times per day, she found her thumb reaching over to roll the nonexistent ring. Today, its absence not only reminded her of Amanda but also exacerbated her guilt.
She felt like she wanted a shower, but she already had done that at Victoria’s. Maybe changing out of her clothes into something for the lake life would help. It was already too hot and humid for jeans anyway.
“Earth to Jen,” Jake was saying.
She snapped her head up. “What?”
“We’re gonna go skiing. Wanna come?” he asked.
“Maybe in a bit. I have some stuff to do first.”
She hopped up from the table, set Kristin in her vacated chair, and got the dishrag to wipe off Kristin’s fingers, which the dogs were now licking.
The men cleared the table and began packaging up the leftovers on the kitchen island.
“Something on your mind, dear?” Kay asked.
“That obvious, huh?” Jen asked.
“I can tell by the look on your face that you’re troubled,” Kay said.
Jen couldn’t stop the downward spiral of her lips, and the tears from clouding her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She covered her face and rushed toward the bedroom wing.
Not fully aware of her intentions, she found herself standing in her parents’ bedroom, sobbing. Kay joined her a minute later, and guided Jen to the edge of the bed where they both sat on the soft comforter.
Kay rubbed Jen’s back as the tears flowed.
“I just—”
“Let it all out,” Kay said.
Jen was shocked her body contained this amount of tears. She thought she had cried them all out on her way up to the lake. “I don’t know how she does this to me.”
“Who? What?”
“Amanda. She makes me feel guilty for leaving her, but it was all her fault,” Jen hiccoughed. “All her fault.”
“What was?” Kay asked.
“Amanda fooled around on me six months ago,” Jen said. “Sure, I forgave her, and we got back together, but a photo of her with her ex-lover surfaced.”
“Ahh,” Kay said. “That had to hurt.”
“More than I realized,” Jen rasped. “I didn’t know I could get so crazed.”
Kay stifled a laugh.
“What?” Jen asked.
“You? Crazed?” Kay said in an exaggerated tone, as if saying those two words together couldn’t possibly be true.
“I’ve never acted crazy!” Jen exclaimed.
“You have a temper like your father’s.” Kay patted Jen’s leg. “He’s mellowed with age, but he used to blow a gasket every now and then.”
Jen regarded her mother. “I never knew that.”
“There was no reason for you to know,” Kay said. “We didn’t fight in front of you kids, but we had our share of fights.”
Jen hung her head. “I have to admit that I threw Amanda’s phone over the balcony into the street, smashing it to smithereens.”
“That sounds like a Dawson,” Kay said. “Your dad once broke a door frame because he slammed the door so hard.”
Jen laughed despite herself, then covered her mouth. “Amanda deserved it.”
“I’m sure she did. How do you feel about her now?”
“Honestly?”
“That’s the only way to confront your feelings.”
“I love her.” Jen looked down at her hands. “I always have.” She paused a minute, then said into the heavy air. “She’s my soulmate, but she has some serious issues, you know?”
“What kind of issues?” Kay inquired, no hint of judgment in her voice.
Jen felt hot embarrassment rising in her chest. She didn’t want to admit Amanda’s faults to her mother, because she wanted Kay to respect Amanda. “Ah…Amanda is sort of a narcissist with an addictive personality, and she can be self-destructive sometimes.”
“What’s she addicted to?” Kay’s asked softly but seriously.
“Everything,” Jen said. “Work. Yoga. Cello. Me. Kristin. Cigarettes. Wine. Drugs. Painkillers. At least before her stint in rehab. She doesn’t know how to do anything in moderation.”
“That can make your role as her partner pretty tricky.”
“Tell me about it.” Jen was impressed with her mother’s insight. “I refuse to police her, yet I won’t be a doormat either. Kristin is too important to me to raise in a household of deception.”
“Did you tell Amanda that?”
“Yes,” Jen said.
“How did she take it?”
“Really well,” Jen paused for a minute. “Surprisingly well. In fact, she’s making great strides.”
“Good for her,” Kay said. “And a narcissist, huh?” Kay asked.
“A mild one.”
“Please assure me you aren’t her flying monkey,” Kay said.
“What?”
“I’m surprised you don’t know the phrase, being a doctor and all. A flying monkey does the narcissist’s bidding.”
“Oh God, Mom. I’d never do anything like that. She has a campaign manager, Chance, who does all her dirty work.” Jen paused and thought a minute. “And her father, Jack. He’s always covering her tracks and arranging stuff in the background.”
They sat in silence a minute, both absorbing Jen’s observations.
“And all of this came to a head, so that’s why she isn’t here?” Kay asked.
“Sort of. I disinvited her over a selfie of her and Roxy, the MI-6 agent with whom Amanda had an affair.”
“Which was a while ago, right?”
“Yeah,” Jen admitted, “But there was a new twist on it. Amanda made it sound like they hooked up once, but the selfie was during daylight, which led me to ask her if they hooked up more than once, and she admitted they had.”
“Did their affair continue for quite some time?”
“No,” Jen covered her face with her hands and muttered. “God no. It was only over two-day period on a business trip.”
“And, that was six months ago?”
“Yeah. Maybe I should cut her some slack,” Jen said from behind her hands.
“Did you two discuss it at the time?”
“That’s why she went to rehab.”
“A healthy move—taking responsibility.”
Jen withdrew her hands from her face and nabbed a box of tissues from a bedside table. She blew her nose and steadied her breathing.
“Have you spoken to Amanda since you came here?” Kay asked.
“She texted me a few times, and I briefly replied to her.”
“Any more than that?”
“No.”
“And, you’re engaged to be married?”
“Well, we were. I kind of, sort of…broke it off.”
“Hm.” Kay regarded Jen’s equivocation. “Have I ever told you my three criteria for getting married?”
“Um, no,” Jen said, regarding her mother. “Do tell.”
“First, you have to respect what she says and does. It doesn’t matter if I respect her or anyone else respects her. You’re the one who has to live with her the rest of your life, so you have to be the one who respects her.”
“Okaaaaaay,” Jen said, a myriad of Amanda’s exploits flashing before her eyes.
Kay held up a second finger. “Second. She has to treat you like a princess.”
Jen snorted.
“Not like a true princess, but treat you well, you know? You’ve seen how your father treats me, right?”
“I suppose.”
Kay held up the third finger. “You have to love her.”
Jen rolled her eyes. “I was waiting for that one.”
“What?” Kay asked. “You don’t love Amanda?”
“No,” Jen said, slapping the bed. “That’s the problem. I do love her, and damnit, I can’t live without her.”
“You’re both smart women. I think spending time here at the lake has provided just the break you needed to figure out some things.”
“Then, why do I feel as confused as ever?”
“Maybe because you spent the night at Victoria’s?” Kay asked, addressing the elephant in the room.
Jen hung her head, her cheeks turning crimson. “And, I feel guilty about that now.”
Kay patted Jen’s shoulder but didn’t say anything.
“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
Kay rose. “I’ll leave you to it then.” She kissed the top of Jen’s head and left the room.
Jen removed her phone from her pocket and stared at it. Is it a sign of weakness if I text Amanda?
She stared some more, her inner battle waging a war of love lost and love to be gained. She finally texted: How are you?
Jen didn’t expect a reply right away. Hell, she didn’t know where Amanda was or what she was doing. She sat for a minute, staring at her phone, hoping for a response. When it didn’t arrive, she rose and went into her parents’ bathroom. She set her phone on the counter and splashed soap and water on her salty face. While she was drying off, her phone vibrated.
Amanda replied, My heart aches for you and Kristin. Please give her a hug for me.
The bottom fell out of Jen’s resolve. She closed her eyes for a minute, allowing herself to feel momentarily happy—as if everything between them were normal—and her mind instantly righted itself. She felt a torrent of warmth spring up from her belly, making her settled and happy. Even a simple text reminded her of how much she loved Amanda, and when they were on, how aligned Jen’s world could be. When they were off, her mind was an upside down pizza—all over the place.
She replied: I will. I miss you.
Jen regretted being so cryptic, but her fingers wouldn’t type more. She thought about typing something like, “Just give me some time,” but she didn’t know if time was the only thing she needed. Do I need time? Or promises? Or honesty? Or fidelity? Or, do I just need Amanda?
She set her phone down again and applied some of Kay’s expensive R&F facial cream around her eyes, dabbing the dehydrated skin. Her phone vibrated again, and Amanda’s name flashed across the screen.
When she read Amanda’s next text, she just about collapsed. Miss you too. You mean everything to me.
Jen’s heart sent an adrenaline surge to her fingertips and toes, reminding them that they were still alive. All of a sudden, every nerve ending was on fire, and Jen felt like skipping into the kitchen to declare to her family that she meant everything to Amanda.
Her thumbs hovered over her phone, wondering what to type. She was caught between telling Amanda to come to Wisconsin immediately or that they could get together when Jen and Kristin returned to the city. Her indecision was interrupted by Jake and Kristin.