THE GRUMPY GARDENER
Your top questions are answered by our resident curmudgeon—like it or not!
by STEVE BENDER illustrations by MICHAEL WITTE
Gumbo-Licious
Q: We’re moving from the Northeast to South Carolina, and people say we’ll have “gumbo” soil. What will I need to add to allow me to grow flowers? —Mary
A: In the garden, “gumbo” isn’t an okra-based soup with added crawfish. It’s blackish soil composed of very fine silt that becomes gummy when wet. Because it drains poorly, many plants turn up their noses at it. The best solution is to mix in lots of organic matter, such as chopped leaves, ground bark, and composted manure, before planting. Season with peat moss to taste.
“Now for the final touch—hand me the Old Bay seasoning.”
Bad, Bad Boy
Q: Five years ago, I planted a fruitless, male ginkgo tree. I was thrilled with my choice until recently when I discovered it had stinky, rotten fruit on one branch. Was I deceived? Should I give my tree a sex-change operation? —Penny
A: Do you remember the scene from Jurassic Park where they discover that their all-female group of dinosaurs is managing to reproduce? As Jeff Goldblum’s character observes, “Life finds a way.” In this case, it seems your male tree despairs of ever finding a female tree to pollinate in order to produce that malodorous, seed-bearing fruit. So it’s grown a female branch to get the job done. Identify the offending branch, and cut it out. Your ginkgo will be celibate again.
“Oh, stop whining! It’s only one branch.”
Furry Devils
Q: My “squirrel-proof” bird feeder doesn’t work. Squirrels shinny right up the post and eat all the seeds. Any advice? —Jill
A: Grumpy absolutely believes squirrels are agents of Satan. No matter what kind of squirrel-proof feeder you have—one with a baffle on top, one with a baffle on the bottom, one that spins, one that emits gamma rays—these ravenous demons always defeat it because they don’t stop trying until they do. Grumpy’s little feeder hangs on a long, thin wire far out on a branch of his crepe myrtle. Squirrels can’t jump to it from above, below, or the side, and they haven’t yet mastered the wire descent. When they do, Grumpy will add a moat filled with sharks and gators.
“Hey, Grumpy! We squirrels got skills!”
Color Your Crepe
Q: I have a pink crepe myrtle, but I want it to bloom white. Can I put down aluminum sulfate or something else on the soil to change the color? —Jane
A: Jane, Jane, Jane, the trick of changing flower colors by adding aluminum sulfate or lime to the soil works only with blue and pink (or red) hydrangeas. So you have only two options to get the color you want. Either buy a white crepe myrtle or paint the blooms. Grumpy hopes you choose the latter, so one of your neighbors will send him a photo of you doing it.
“My, what technique! I could be the next Thomas Kinkade!”
THE GRUMPY GARDENER
“By the time she discovered her tomato plant’s plans, it was too late.”
Killer Tomatoes
Q: I’m growing ‘Juliet’ and ‘Sweet 100’ tomatoes. They’ve been very prolific to this point, but after the heavy rain we’ve had, the ripening fruits burst open like a scene in the movie Alien. What’s causing this? —Mary Elizabeth
A: When it rains a lot over a short period of time, tomato plants pump a lot of water into the ripening fruits. But tomato skins can’t grow fast enough, so they split open, and people faint. Fortunately, the effect is temporary, so you won’t have to blow up your ship to save Earth like Ripley did in the movie.
Not Now, Deer
Q: Deer keep eating my pansies and violas. What cool-weather flowers can I plant now that they won’t bother? —Aronna
A: Snapdragons would top my list. If you set out transplants in October, you’ll get flowers in both fall and spring. Other good choices include petunias, pot marigolds (Calendula officinalis), and wallflowers. Or just plant whatever you want and spray with Liquid Fence Deer & Rabbit Repellent (liquidfence.com). Both deer and Gordon Ramsay will think it tastes terrible.
“Oh, hello there. Could I bother you for some Italian dressing?”
Fire in the Hole
Q: I’m getting all sorts of advice about killing fire ants—from pouring boiling water on the mound, to covering it with ashes from the grill, to putting grits on the mound because the ants will eat them and “blow up.” What do you think of these home remedies? —Brenda
A: Home remedies don’t work. While they kill visible worker ants, they don’t kill the queen. And if her head doesn’t roll, she’ll just lay more eggs that turn into ants that build more mounds. Use a lawn spreader to put down a granular fire ant killer according to label directions. The bag may claim that a single application per year is enough, but here in the South, Grumpy has to do it twice.
“Anyone else need a helping of Aunt Libby’s instant death grits?”
Dr. Strangelawn
Q: I’ve already fertilized my fescue lawn with 6-24-24 lawn food but thought I’d supplement with a concoction of ammonia, detergent, corn syrup, and Epsom salts that I can apply with my hose-end sprayer. What about adding beer for microbes? —Jon
A: In Grumpy’s opinion, the miraculous liquid known as beer should never be consumed by a lawn, only by the lawn’s owner. Jon, you sound like a mad scientist. I don’t see any advantage in supplementing the commercial fertilizer with all that stuff. Epsom salts contain magnesium and sulfur, which quality lawn fertilizers already have. So don’t feed again until next spring.
“And for dandelions, I add a pinch of plutonium extract.”
Just Chillin’
Q: I have tulip bulbs in my refrigerator now. When can I plant them? —Mayra
A: Chilling tulip bulbs in the fridge before planting is helpful in the South because they need 8 to 10 weeks of temps below 45 degrees to bloom well. If they don’t get it, the flowers will have either short stems or no stems at all. Just avoid storing the bulbs in the refrigerator door between the mustard and mayo. Grumpy came home last week and caught his teenage son making a tulip sandwich. Bottomless Pit will eat anything!
“Not again! That’s what happened to my pansies last week.”
HANDS-ON GARDENING
Keep plants looking their best with our tips and tricks for pruning and planting
illustrations by CATHERINE M. WATTERS and ERIN O’TOOLE
Making the Cut
Pruning your plants helps maintain their health. Remove branches that are badly diseased, dead, or rubbing together. Keep in mind that each time you make a pruning cut, you stop the growth in one direction and encourage it in another because growth continues in the buds and branches left behind. Follow these techniques for best results.
Thinning Plants that have become too densely branched should be thinned to allow air and sunlight to reach the inner branches, leaves, and stems. Most of the cuts you make when pruning should be thinning cuts. Such cuts direct growth, eliminate competing or old stems, reduce overall size, and open up a plant’s structure.
Shearing An indiscriminate form of heading, shearing does not involve careful, precise cutting just above a growing point. Instead, you simply clip a plant’s outer foliage to create an even surface, as in hedges or topiaries.
Heading Heading stimulates the growth of lateral buds just below the cut. For maintenance pruning of most woody plants, heading is less desirable than thinning. Continual heading ruins the natural shape. It is useful when your goal is to induce vigorous growth beneath a cut, force branching at a particular point on a branch or stem to train young fruit trees, fill a hole in the tree’s crown, increase bloom production in roses, or rejuvenate neglected shrubs.
Pinching This is the simplest type of pruning. Using your thumb and forefinger or a pair of hand shears, nip off the tips of new growth, removing the terminal bud. This stops the shoot from growing longer and stimulates branching. Pinching is used primarily on annuals and perennials to make them more bushy and to encourage the production of more flowers.
Planting 101
Proper installation methods depend on the plant and how it is sold. When you bring your selections home from the nursery and are ready to dig in, follow our step-by-step guide to give trees and shrubs a good start.
BARE-ROOT PLANTS
Step 1 Make a firm cone of soil in the planting hole. Spread the roots over the cone, positioning the plant at the same depth as (or slightly higher than) it was in the growing field. Use a shovel handle or yardstick to check the depth.
Step 2 Hold the plant upright as you firm the soil around its roots. When the process is almost complete, add water. This eliminates any air pockets. If the plant settles below the level of the surrounding soil, pump it up and down while the soil is saturated to raise it to the proper level.
Step 3 Finish filling the hole with soil; then water again. Take care not to overwater while the plant is dormant. When the growing season begins, make a ridge of soil around the planting site to form a watering basin. Water when the top 2 inches of soil are dry.
BALLED, BURLAPPED PLANTS
Step 1 Measure the root ball from top to bottom. The planting hole should be a bit more shallow, so that the top of the root ball is about 2 inches above the soil. Adjust the hole to the proper depth; then set in the plant.
Step 2 Untie the covering. If it’s burlap, it will eventually rot; spread it out to uncover about half of the root ball. If it’s synthetic, however, remove it entirely. Drive a stake in alongside the root ball. Fill the hole with soil to within 4 inches of the top, and water gently.
Step 3 Firm the soil as you fill the hole. Make a berm of soil to form a watering basin; water the plant. Cover with mulch. If you staked the plant, loosely tie it to the stake. As it becomes established, keep the soil moist but not soggy. Remove the stake after the first growing season.
CONTAINER PLANTS
Step 1 Dig a hole about three times as wide and 1 to 2 inches less than the height of the container. Remove the plant from the container; spread the roots out over the soil. The root ball should be 1 to 2 inches above the surrounding soil.
Step 2 Backfill with unamended soil you dug from the hole, adding the soil in stages and firming it around the roots with your hands as you work.
Step 3 Make a berm of soil to form a watering basin. Irrigate gently. Spread a layer of mulch on top of the root ball, but take care not to mound it up against the trunk.
THE SINSTER SIX
Gardeners everywhere should be on the lookout. The following varmints are headed your way and considered extremely hungry
illustrations by TRAVIS TATUM
They’re evil, persistent, and insatiable. These pests have no respect for the plants of others. To them, every flower and leaf is just another morsel waiting to be plundered. These marauders call themselves The Sinister Six. They must be stopped. Study the following profiles and be ready when one of these critters strikes your garden.
Groundhog
Aliases “Punxsutawney Phil,” “Bryson City Bubba”
Size 4 to 14 lbs.
Distinguishing Marks Squat, fat, short-legged marmot with grizzled brown or yellowish-brown fur; face shows no trace of thought
Last Seen Being temporarily blinded by television camera lights on the morning of February 2
Method of Operation Operates during the day; loves to raid vegetable gardens, especially patches of sweet corn
Control Trap repeat offender, and relocate to Iowa, or surround garden with a wire fence that is at least 3 feet tall and buried 1 foot in the ground.
Last Heard Saying “I think I’ll run for Congress.”
Eastern Cottontail Rabbit
Aliases “Peter,” “Thumper,” “Stew”
Size 2 to 4 lbs.
Distinguishing Marks White tail, brown or gray coat, large ears
Last Seen Vigorously pruning your brand-new transplants
Method of Operation Usually sneaks into the garden in early morning and late afternoon; gorges himself on young vegetable plants, especially bean and lettuce seedlings; in winter, chews the bark off the bases of young fruit trees
Control Surround garden with chicken wire that’s anchored to the ground and at least 2 feet high. Wrap trunks of young fruit trees with wire mesh or plastic tree guards. Develop your family’s taste for rabbit.
Last Heard Saying “Here comes Peter Cottontail, scarfing down your beans and kale.”
Gray Squirrel
Aliases “Precious,” “Muffler”
Size 1 ¾ to 3 lbs.
Distinguishing Marks Gray coat, bushy tail
Last Seen Digging up your transplants and leaving them atop the ground to die
Method of Operation Disarms you with cuteness, then robs every fruit from your fruit tree, gobbles every seed from your bird feeder, and cuts down your azaleas to make a nest; in fall, buries mass quantities of acorns and promptly forgets where they are
Control Try a hungry cat, a handy trap, or a tactical nuclear weapon
Last Heard Saying “Now,where in the heck did I bury that tactical nuclear weapon?”
White-tailed Deer
Aliases “Bambi,” “Trophy,” “Sausage”
Size 150 to 300 lbs.
Distinguishing Marks White tail, reddish-brown coat in summer, grayish brown in winter; a buck has antlers, a doe has dependents
Last Seen Looking like a politician caught in the headlights
Method of Operation Feeds mainly at night, dining on a wide array of vegetable and ornamental plants; favorites include corn, rhododendron, Japanese yew, mountain laurel, daylily, and hosta
Control Place sign that reads: “Hunting Season Opens Today” in yard. If that doesn’t work, spray plants with a commercial deer repellent, such as Hinder Deer or Deer-Away. Or enclose garden with an 8-foot-tall woven-wire fence or an electrified fence.
Last Heard Saying “Oh, honey, look at the people; look at the people!”
Pine Vole
Alias “Ninja Vermin”
Size 7/8 to 1 3/8 oz.
Distinguishing Marks Looks like a cross between a mouse and a hamster with auburn fur, short tail, and small ears
Last Seen Chewing your prized hosta off at the ground
Method of Operation Burrows around the bases of plants, eating stems, seeds, and bulbs; sometimes uses mole tunnels to fool people into thinking the mole is the culprit
Control Remove mulch from around plants; dig a 6-inch-deep trench around planting bed, and line it with wire mesh. Plant perennials in a mixture of half soil and half gravel. Hire a hungry weasel.
Last Heard Saying “A mole did it!”
STOCK THE SHED
Pick up some of our Garden Editors’ favorite tools that make every job a little easier
HAWS COPPER WATERING CAN is small, lightweight, and pretty; $76, leevalley.com
SUPER-SLIM LIGHTWEIGHT HOSE won’t put a kink in your watering plans; $39.95-$99.95, gardeners.com
If you’re looking for multifunction, You’ll get two tools in one with this combination hoe and cultivator.
AMES HOE/CULTIVATOR COMBO tackles weeds and planting; $9.95, walmart.com
BOND ADJUSTABLE STEEL RAKE folds neatly when not in use; $19.99, amazon.com
GT FLORAL SHEARS cut buckets of flowers for bouquets; $25.52, wood-avenue.com
WORTH IT! This beauty handles like a dream and makes cutting the grass fun—really!
JOHN DEERE Z235 EZTRACK MOWER turns on a dime; $2,499, johndeere.com to locate a dealer near you
GARDEN TWINE ties up plants with ease; $2.98, homedepot.com
A Garden Fork is a must for turning compost or Posing for Your own version of American Gothic.
FLEXRAKE DIGGING FORK helps break new ground; $30.52, walmart.com
Inexpensive tubs can Do everything from hauling leaves to holding Drinks, so buy a few.
TUBTRUGS haul it all in pretty colors from $13.99,tubtrugs.com
Shears make easy work of trimming woody shrubs. These are German made and will last a lifetime.
BERGER WAVY EDGE HEDGE SHEARS make trimming a breeze; $65.95, gardentoolcompany.com