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Carys
I wake up to find Finn gone. At first I panic and circle the bedroom, accounting for his things. Then I decide that maybe he didn’t return after he got himself a drink. It’s only eight in the morning. But that’s late for me. Yesterday was exhausting.
After I’ve showered and dressed, but before I go downstairs, I creep down the hall to Lucas. In the rocking chair in the corner is Galina with Lucas, and she’s attempting to burp him.
“Want to try?” she asks when she spots me hovering in the entryway.
“Oh, um, yes.” I take the armchair next to the rocker. She passes him to me, and I mimic the movements I saw her doing. An awkward silence settles between us as I try to get a burp. After a deep breath, I say, “Is this your first time being a surrogate?”
Her face fills with surprise. “No, my third. Eric picked me because he wanted someone with a record of success.” She hesitates and then says, “He said this was your last shot. None of the implantations in other surrogates took.”
I absorb this information in silence. It’s been so long, and I don’t recall how many eggs I harvested when Eric and I started searching for a surrogate. A lot. I remember that much. More than we ever thought we’d need. I was worried about being too old. A laugh threatens. Now I have no choice. Too old or not, I’m a mom. I’m a mom. I focus on Lucas, letting the realization wash over me one more time.
My brain ticks to Galina’s comment. He was trying to secure a baby from the moment we split. The deception is overwhelming. How many surrogates? How many attempts? Throughout, he was still sleeping with, and impregnating, other women. God, he’s such a sleaze.
“I, um.” Galina fiddles with the baby blanket in her lap. “He gave me the impression you and he were together. He said you didn’t want to meet me because it was too hard to know someone else would be carrying your child. But it seems like you’re with Finn? Did you and Eric split up during the pregnancy? Is Lucas going into a good situation? There’s so much tension in the house.”
Lucas burps, and I take the blanket she offers to wipe his mouth and then cradle him in my arms. The weight of him is still surreal. A baby. My baby. I scan his tiny face and try to block out Galina’s questions. Her worry is sweet, even if I don’t understand how to ease it.
“He’ll be fine,” I say.
Eric’s deception, how wrong this whole situation is for Lucas, for me, for everyone, shouldn’t be her concern. I’ll do everything in my power to do right by my baby. None of this is his fault.
Jay appears in the doorway. “Ah, here you are. First stop was your room. This was my second choice.”
I smile and focus on the bundle in my arms again. “Where’s Finn?”
Jay doesn’t respond, so I glance up and raise my eyebrows. Once I realized Finn’s things were in the house, I stopped worrying over where he might be. I should have known better.
“Gone out.” His face is hard to read.
“Alone?”
“No, he took the greenest guys in the crew with him.”
I narrow my eyes. He’s telling me the truth, but he’s being careful with his words. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Galina watching us. Perhaps she’s the reason. He doesn’t want Finn’s whereabouts to get to Eric. Since I haven’t told Galina Eric lied to her, her loyalty will be with him. Telling her I hadn’t been told about the baby doesn’t make me more trustworthy if her primary concern is what will happen to Lucas.
I wander to Jay with Lucas secured to my chest. “Is everything okay?”
He gazes from me to my baby and back to me. “Not the best way to get here. But it looks good on you.”
“Thank you.” I smile and nuzzle Lucas as he releases a tiny yawn. “Parenthood is amazing...and kinda terrifying.”
“Yeah, that’s how everyone feels. You’ll get used to it.”
I turn in the doorway and say to Galina, “Do I need to bring anything with me if I’m just walking around the house with him?”
She shakes her head. “If you need me, I’m here.”
With a head tip, I indicate for Jay to follow me down the hall. Once we’re in my room, he closes the door behind us.
“So where is he?” I sway when Lucas squirms.
“He didn’t want me to tell you.” Jay shrugs. “So I’m not telling you.”
I laugh, but I’m not amused. “You realize you work for me, right? I’m the one who pays your bills? Sends your kids cute outfits and expensive toys at Christmas and expensive toys. That’s me.”
“Yeah, well, when you threaten to cut off my balls, you’ll be in his league.”
I sigh. That’s the kind of hardball I’m not willing to play. “When’s he returning?” I frown, somewhat surprised he’s gone anywhere. Last night he was determined Eric wasn’t coming near me. Without him here, a frisson of unease circles around my neck.
“Maybe tonight,” Jay replies. “Maybe not till tomorrow. He told me to pretend I was glue and to stick to you.” He grins. “Then he added,” he squares up his shoulders in a good imitation of Finn’s posture, “‘but don’t get too fucking close.’”
This time, my laugh is genuine. “I fucking love that guy.” Lucas wiggles, and I peer at his petite features. “If his first word ends up being fuck, I’ll be mortified.”
“Yeah, we might have to dial it back. We’ve got a year to sort ourselves out. Maybe more if he’s got his bio dad’s intelligence.” Jay winks at me.
His statement is funny and not. My child possessing any of Eric’s traits or characteristics makes me angry. Some inheritance is inevitable, though. He is his biological dad. So I’ll have to get used to recognizing aspects of Eric, coming to love the parts of him in this little man.
“So you’re just going to follow me around all day?” I say.
“Exactly an arm’s length away.”
Amusement and unease war inside me. Finn can take care of himself. After our conversation last night and what Eric tried to do, I’m worried he’s finding a way to eliminate Eric behind my back. He doesn’t see himself as a protector, but I know better. When he loves, he loves hard. For years I watched as he tried to shield Lorcan from anything too damaging. Right now I’m the one he’s trying to protect. How far will he go?
“Seriously, where did he go?” I say.
“Seriously, I can’t tell you.” Jay frowns. “He said he was going dark for the next twelve to twenty-four hours. Hence,” he gestures to the space between us, “the glue.”
“Please tell me he’s not doing something rash or stupid.”
“You think he ran his plan past me?” He tsks. “We’re not bros. He only tells me what he wants me to know.”
Lucas fusses in my arms, and I adjust my hold while I change from swaying to a light bounce.
“The only thing I care about, the only thing I want, is for Finn, Lucas, and me to end up together.” My face is tight with suppressed emotion. “I’m close to having that. So close. But there’s this knot in my stomach that won’t ease.”
“Eric thinks he’s got you on the ropes.”
Lucas quiets, and I sway again. “I used to watch Finn fight when we were younger. Want to guess my favorite part?”
Jay’s lips quirk up. “No idea.”
“How unpredictable he was. If you go to enough fights, you find patterns in fighters. They favor certain combinations or skills. Not Finn. And he always won. No one could figure him out.” A piece of my hair comes loose from my ponytail and falls into my face. “That’s what scares me. We’re on the cusp of a knockout, and someone is going down. Who’s going to hit the mat first?”
~ * ~
Every time the front door opened, or a car door slammed, I couldn’t help peering out the window, staring at the entrance with raw longing. Eric only kept his distance until he realized Finn wasn’t anywhere in the house. A few times, Jay redirected a conversation or stepped in the path of Eric’s straying hands.
In a moment of weakness, I texted Finn. That was hours ago. While the message has been delivered, it hasn’t been read. When I glance up from checking my phone again, my father is frowning. Eric is outside talking to a security guy about a video game they play in their free time. Occasionally, their voices drift through an open window. It’s almost midnight.
When I stand up, tired from waiting, I tuck my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. “I’m going to bed.”
My father rises and so does Jay.
“I’m flying out in the morning,” Dad says. “It seems like Finn’s come to his senses and gave you and Eric time to work on being a family. I can see how hard this transition has been for you today. But give—”
“He’s coming back.” I stare at him, wondering how he could get it so wrong. “Eric and I will never be a family. We’ll raise Lucas as co-parents, but otherwise we won’t have a relationship. I’m not leaving Finn. He’s not leaving me.”
“That’s a mistake. Eric will never—”
“He doesn’t control me. Neither do you.” As I head toward the kitchen and the stairs at the rear of the house, Jay keeps pace beside me. “You can leave if you want. I couldn’t care less,” I call over my shoulder.
Not completely true. Even though he isn’t exactly protective, he blocks Eric’s snider comments. Eric can switch facets of his personality to suit his audience, and he never showed my father the sides of himself I saw. In some ways, I can’t blame him for thinking Eric is better than he is—after all, Eric fooled me too for a while. Once the veil fell from my eyes, he could never get me to replace it the way he wanted.
When we get to my bedroom door, which is the first one at the top of the stairs, I turn to Jay and say, “You’re off the hook. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He chuckles. “Off the hook? I’ll be here outside your door until the sun rises or Finn comes home.”
A protest mounts in my throat, but then I remember how Eric behaved last night, his lewd comments today before Jay could intervene. The smart choice is having a form of protection. He’s always charmed me in the past, and now it isn’t working. There is a chance he’ll resort to force.
I swallow my words and nod. “Okay. I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket in case you get tired.”
“That’s okay. I’m under strict orders to stay awake.” Jay waves me off. “I’ll be fine. Not the first all-nighter I’ve pulled.”
“Thank you.” I turn the handle to my bedroom door.
“That’s why you pay me the big bucks.” His grin is fleeting. “Lock the door.” His gaze connects with mine before I close the door. “Make sure you’ve got your gun somewhere you can reach it.”
I frown. “Is there something I should know?”
“Desperate, arrogant men don’t make smart choices. If I go take a piss and come back to find Eric’s knocked down the door, I want to be sure you can shoot him.”
“Finn told you what happened last night?” I press my hand into the frame, remembering the spark of panic when he tried to push the issue.
“None of us wants a repeat.” Jay adjusts the gun in the holster under his arm.
It makes me wonder if the gun was supposed to serve as a visual warning to Eric today. Normally he keeps his gun concealed.
“I don’t think—”
“Has any of this been something you would have thought possible?” Jay’s tone is kind even though his words slice through me.
“None of it.” I shake my head. “If you’d told me six months ago I’d be with Finn, that Eric would deliver a secret baby to me, that my father would have a hand in the deception, I would have thought you were out of your mind.” I sigh and prop open the door so I’m framed in the doorway. “Why do the best things and worst things seem to happen together?”
Jay mirrors my sigh. “Finn will return with answers or solutions, no matter what he has to do to get them.”
“I know,” I say. “That’s what I’m afraid of.” Longing has been my constant companion today. “If you hear from him, tell him I miss him.”
Jay’s lips purse together. “I’ll be out here talking to my wife. This shit you two are going through right now makes me miss her more than normal.”
“Tell Sofia I said hi.” I shut the door and lean against it. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and my chest fills with hope. My mother’s name appears on the display. With a sigh, I send it to voicemail. I can’t deal with her drama on top of everything else. I flip the lock into place on the door as I hear the soft murmurs of Jay sweet-talking his wife. When we leave Russia, he should be with his family for a while or prioritize moving his family to wherever we’re relocating.
My phone is almost dead, so I plug it into the charger over by the window and move around the room, getting ready for bed. It’s impossible to keep my mind distracted enough to avoid thoughts of Finn. If we don’t make it out of this together, I’m not sure how I’ll survive. Having him gone today has been a slow form of torture, and I’ve realized Lucas won’t be enough. I need them both.
Sliding under the sheets, I pull up the covers and stare at the ceiling. My meditation classes are going to come in handy tonight. I’m starting my breathing and visualization pattern when a chorus of loud, aggressive voices drift in the window.
“Carys,” Jay shouts through the door. “I’m heading downstairs to see what’s going on. Lock yourself in the bathroom until you hear from me.”
Heart racing, I throw back the bedding. “Okay!” I yell in response. Grabbing my gun from the bedside table, I’m halfway to the en suite bathroom when I remember Lucas. He can’t be left unprotected. I grab my robe off the bathroom door and shrug it on, pushing my gun into a pocket.
As I rush to the door, a few loud pops echo. Outside or inside?
Lucas.
Unsnapping the lock, I peek out the door and draw my gun from my pocket. Gunfire somewhere. Keeping my side against the hallway wall, I point the gun toward the stairway as I make my way to Lucas’s room.
An agonized scream streaks through the house, and my hand shakes. Whatever is happening, the noise sounded inhuman. More popping erupts.
The door to Lucas’s room is ajar. My fingers squeeze my gun to keep it steady, and I use my free hand to open the door more. Heavy footsteps pound up the stairs behind me, and I whirl with the gun raised.
“Carys.” Jay is out of breath, his white shirt stained with blood. “Don’t shoot.” He raises his hands, his gun high in the air. “We gotta get the fuck out of here. It’s chaos down there. I don’t understand what the hell is going on, but if I survive this and you don’t, I might as well be dead.”
“Are you hurt?”The gunfire and shouting drift up the stairs, through the windows, surrounding us, but distant enough my heart isn’t booming out of my chest.
“No, no. Not me. We gotta move.” He strides past me and my gun raised toward him. “We’ll grab Lucas—”
“Wait.” More pops sound below. Lowering my gun, I slip through the door behind him. “How are we going to—” My voice trails off when my gaze lands on the crib.
There, in the middle of the room, gun trained on us, is my father, Lucas cradled in his arms. “I need you to trust me,” he says. “I can save us, but you have to trust me.”