Evening of October 31, 1863
Chattanooga
Early that morning Eli went back to the 125th Ohio along with Joe, Al and Blue, where they were welcomed as conquering heroes. Even Colonel Opdycke wanted to hear the full account of the Brown’s Ferry battle on the 27th and at Wauhatchie on the 29th.
Eli let Al and Blue do most of the talking, although Joe did cut Blue off once with a caustic remark that he couldn’t understand how Blue saw so many rebels without having eyes in the back of his head. Blue shot him a resentful glare and stomped off to talk to men out of the hearing of Eli, Joe and Al.
In the evening Eli silently watched Joe sitting alone obsessively whittling a branch with his pocket knife. Earlier in the day, after the excitement of their return died down, Eli went back to reading his bible. He started, as usual, with the first passage he took on. It was as though reading it for the first time and its message hit him like a hammer. Before, reading was a process of deciphering letters. They could form any words, but for the first time these words had meaning to Eli, forcing him to think about Joe. He had avoided that since their confrontation on the road back to Brown’s Ferry. Even now he did not want to talk to Joe, but found he could not avoid it.
Eli studied him rhythmically shaving long thin strips of wood from the branch. His large heavy hands looked too bulky to have grace, yet they moved with a restrained precision that belied their ham-fisted appearance. He was completely involved with his work and oblivious to the world.
“Joe,” said Eli.
Joe started and swung around, his eyes wide. Seeing Eli, his body relaxed a moment until he realized who was there, when his eyes took on a guarded expression.
“You gave me a start,” said Joe.
Eli felt unsure of what to say. He had an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach he did not understand. “Mind if I sit down?” he finally asked.
Joe shrugged and said, “Suit yourself.”
Eli sat on the log. Glancing down, he saw a large pile of shaved wood at Joe’s feet. “That’s a lot of wood you’ve chewed up,” said Eli.
Joe nodded. “It’s kind of a habit I got when I get to feeling lonesome. I can do it for hours. Cal used to chase me out onto the front porch so’s I didn’t mess up her clean house with piles of shavings.”
“I...” started Eli, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say.
Joe looked at him. “You what?”
Eli shook his head. “I’m confused, Joe. Just about all I’ve ever known from whites is injustice and cruelty. I didn’t join this army to uphold the Union. It seemed to me this war was nothing but a fight between white people I didn’t trust over a country I didn’t belong to. I joined because I thought this the only way to get back to Georgia to free my wife. What I’ll do after that I don’t even know because I’ve never thought beyond it.
“But I’m not used to thinking of white people as, well, people. I didn’t think it was possible for whites and blacks to live together. I still don’t. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I still don’t understand why Calpernia and your father lived together, but that she did it voluntarily goes against everything I know about blacks and whites.”
“Eli,” said Joe, a hardness to his voice.
“No,” said Eli, holding up his hand. “Let me finish. The thing is, you see, you’ve saved my life so many times I can hardly count. I believed that had you known I was black, you wouldn’t have done it. I’ve got to admit that I’m not sure about that anymore. Well, it takes a while to accept that because it’s not what I expected. I have a hard time admitting it.
“I was reading my bible earlier and I always begin with the passage you selected when we first started.”
Joe closed his eyes and recited the full chapter.
“You know it by heart,” said Eli, surprised.
Joe nodded. “I know it by heart because it was my mammy’s favorite. By my ma, I mean Calpernia. She couldn’t read, but every evening I read to her. She had me read that passage so often I just got to know it like I know my own front door. You see, Calpernia had every reason to hate, just like you, Eli. Every reason. But she didn’t. She was full a love for all a us and everything.
“Well, not everything. She hated slavery. But she hated it as a way of life and for what it done to folks, both white and black. I don’t think she hated the men who’d kept and ill-used her as a slave. I think she felt kind a sorry for ‘em, to tell the truth. By her lights, they’d lost the good Lord’s grace doing what they did, and more important they’d lost their souls, too, which is the biggest loss a man can know. She told me they was exiles from God’s love, from love itself, and wouldn’t never know God’s happiness. She thought they was weak, broken down men more to be pitied than hated.
“Calpernia believed in love. Now don’t get me wrong. She was strict as any mammy I ever seen, and she could and did wear me out with a willow branch when I needed it, but she did it outta love. Even when she tarred my hide good I knew she loved me, and strange to say I do believe to this day it hurt her more to whip me than it hurt me. Her heart weren’t never in it and more’n once she was the one weeping when it was done. But she done it anyway for my own good.”
“When she died, well...”
Eli heard a choke in Joe’s voice, but kept quiet. Joe just looked down at the ground for a moment.
“I didn’t know my other mama, she died when I was so young. Cal was the only one I ever knowed, and I couldn’t a asked for better. It just broke my heart when she left us. I feel the hurt of it to this very hour. I expect I’ll feel it all the rest of my days.”
Eli hesitated a moment, and then awkwardly patted Joe on the back.
“I’m sorry, Joe,” he said.
Joe sniffed and nodded. “So am I,” he answered.
Eli sat for a long time staring into the darkness. He was tired, his head hurt and he felt a long way from home. The thing was, he didn’t even know where home was.
“I wonder if my mother is still alive,” he finally said. “My father can go to hell, but I’d like to see my mother again. It’s hard not knowing, not even being able to write to her.”
Joe nodded.
Eli was silent a long while, and then said, “I’ve got a lot to think about.”
Joe looked at him, his eyes shining in the dark. “I reckon you do.”