Chapter 16

 

Early morning of November 7, 1863

Chattanooga

 

Eli had groomed Jeff Davis late the night before, but it did not help settle him down. Even the horse sensed his agitated mood and shifted nervously under the grooming comb, constantly glancing back at Eli and flicking his ears. Now standing in a picket line on guard duty, Eli kept asking himself why he had that dream?

The intense desire he experienced for both William and Joe shook him to his core. The memory of it repulsed him. For one thing, he had been a man so long his response in the dream seemed an expression of something raw and unnatural. On top of that, experiencing those emotions for Joe felt confusing, as though he had cheated on William as a wife.

Was it wrong to join the Union army? He did not believe it. He wanted to be an armed Negro asserting his dignity and righteous anger. And yet, would William even know him if and when his dream of freeing him was realized? Would he approve of Ellie, or recoil from her as something depraved and twisted? He loved William so much. Rather, she loved him so much. It was just too confusing.

And then there was Joe, and for the love of God what was he to do about Joe? In his heart, he knew a bond was forming, a connection he could not deny. That was the worst of all. Joe was a white man. Yet Joe repeatedly saved his life, and not only did he not care Eli was a Negro, but he swore to help him find his wife.

He could not love a white man, he could not and he would not. He remembered with a chill saying the same thing about falling in love with a black man, although for different reasons.

His heart, against all reason, simply seemed to have a mind of its own because the fact was he did love a white man, just as he had fallen in love with William.

There, he told himself, he said it. He felt something for Joe. Eli wished to God Almighty he did not, but he knew better. He felt ashamed and angry it was true, but none of that changed it an inch. It was his secret, he told himself, one he swore no one would ever know, not even William.

“What you thinking about, Eli?” said Joe, standing next to him as usual. “You look like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

“Nothing,” said Eli curtly.

Joe shook his head. “That’s a whole lot of nothing, if you ask me.”

Eli ignored him. A minute later Joe said, “I had this powerful strange dream about you.”

Eli saw a troubled expression pass over his eyes. After a long pause, Eli could not stop from asking, “What dream?”

“It’s too damn strange,” said Joe, his face turning red. “I shouldn’t a said nothing.”

“What dream?” said Eli. He did not want to know, yet had a strange intuition he already did.

“It’s nothing,” said Joe. “I don’t rightly even remember it, anyhow.”

“You dreamed I was a woman,” said Eli.

Joe looked at him and the expression on his face would have been comical had Eli been in a mood to laugh. His eyes opened wide, his mouth hung agape and his face turned as bright a crimson as Eli had ever seen on a white man.

“How did you know?” he gasped.

That is the end, thought Eli. That is just the end. He shook his head. “Just a hunch,” he said, sighing.

“It don’t mean nothing,” Joe stammered. He looked around nervously to be sure no one else could hear. “It’s just strange, is all. I don’t know what to make a it.”

Oh, though Eli, Joe knew what to make of it. Not out front where he could really see it and think about it, but somewhere deep inside he knew what Eli was. It all made sense, finally. They were in love, and neither could say it. Joe could not because he thought Eli was a man, even though somewhere he knew better, and Eli because he also loved William.

Eli shuddered. It was horrible. It was a nightmare. It was more than he could handle or wanted to think about. He would laugh except he knew it would turn into sobs.

“I hope you don’t reckon I, well, that I...”

Eli stopped him. “It’s nothing, Joe. Everyone has dreams. I dream I can fly, but that doesn’t mean I can. It’s just a dream. It doesn’t mean a thing.”

Joe nodded, obviously relieved. In fact, Eli thought he looked like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but instead of getting a whipping was let go with a good natured rebuke.

“But how did you know?” he said in a low voice.

“I just thought of the most unlikely thing possible and figured that had to be it, considering how flummoxed you looked.”