She’d heard that time healed all wounds, but a week after she’d thrown Shane out, Alyssa didn’t feel any better. A week wasn’t much time, of course, but she felt worse with each passing day. After another week, she felt even worse.
The feeling of shame after someone found out—and freaked out—about her past didn’t usually last long. A few days of that skin-crawly queasiness where she just wanted to hide under the comforter and die, and then she shook it off and returned to real life.
Not this time.
The guilt kept her up at night. The shame distracted her all day long. She hadn’t been a wreck like this since things had finally fallen apart between her, Grant, and her ex-husband.
But whether she liked it or not, life had gone on after that debacle, and it would go on this time too. Eventually. Hopefully.
Shaking herself, she returned to reality and wondered just how long she’d been standing here in her kitchen like an idiot. And why had she come in here in the first place?
Come on, Alyssa. Get it together.
She rubbed a hand over her face, and then glanced at her watch. It was just after six, which meant it was almost time to take her son to his father’s. Well, at least that gave her a purpose for the next hour or so. Something to do besides standing here between the sink and the island.
She left the kitchen and went into Nate’s bedroom. He was sitting on the floor, happily playing with his plastic dinosaurs. He glanced up and smiled at her as if he had no clue there was anything off-kilter in the world. Good—the less he knew, the better.
She smiled back. “We’re leaving for Dad’s in ten minutes.”
“Okay.”
She left him to his toys and went into her own bedroom to get her shoes. Hopefully he was as oblivious as he seemed. She’d been extra careful to keep all of this off his radar. It was her own damned fault she was in this stupid situation, and her own damned fault she felt like shit. He didn’t need to pick up on it.
Which means not wandering into the kitchen and spacing out, idiot.
Alyssa sighed and rubbed her eyes. She could do this. She could keep her shit together long enough to take him to Grant’s. Come hell or high water, she was going to protect him from this drama.
Regardless of the circumstances surrounding his birth, she adored her son. None of it was his fault, and she’d never once resented his role in her marriage falling apart—that was a fault she shared with Grant and no one else. Nate was the one and only blessing from that debacle.
Most of the time, she missed him terribly whenever he was at his father’s house. Sure, she’d loved the time she’d spent with Shane and looked forward to those weeks, but part of her always missed the giggly little presence in the house.
Tonight, though, she was looking forward to dropping him off. Putting on the Mom-is-happy-and-everything-is-okay face was exhausting, and she didn’t dare let him catch on that all wasn’t right in the grown-up world he was too young to understand.
And tonight, she needed to drop the façade and let herself collapse.
But first, she had to take Nate to Grant’s house. One more hour, and then she could drink or cry or have a pity party or whatever she was ultimately in the mood for. She’d been focusing so much on keeping her emotions out of Nate’s sight, she wasn’t even sure what she felt right now or what to do about it.
After she’d gotten herself ready to go, she plastered on a smile and stepped into Nate’s bedroom doorway again. “You ready to go?”
Nate nodded. “Yeah.” He got up, and she helped him get his shoes on. Then they gathered up his bag—he always took a few things back and forth when he switched houses—and headed out to the car.
Nate climbed into his car seat, and after Alyssa had buckled him in, he started playing quietly again with a couple of toys he’d brought with him.
She watched him in the rearview for a moment and smiled to herself. She and Grant had made a lot of mistakes in their lives, but at least she could say they weren’t doing too badly with their son. Either that, or they’d just been blessed with the most resilient, laidback kid on the planet.
A half hour after leaving her place, Alyssa pulled into Grant’s driveway. She helped him out of the car, and reached for his backpack, but he beat her to it.
“I’ve got it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” He struggled with the straps for a moment. One arm went in, but the other was a bit more difficult. She didn’t offer to help—he was the kind of kid who got annoyed if someone intervened when he really wanted to do something himself.
Finally, he got his arm through the second strap and adjusted the bag on his shoulders.
Alyssa smiled. “Got it?”
“Yeah.”
Grant opened the door as they were coming up the porch steps, and he knelt to hug Nate. “Hey, bud. How was your week?”
“Good.” Nate hugged him, then pulled back and grinned. “Can we watch Cars again tonight?”
“Of course.” Grant patted Nate’s arm. “Why don’t you go put your stuff in your room, and then we’ll sit down and watch it after I talk to your mom for a bit.”
“Okay!” Nate trotted down the hall, backpack bouncing on his back as he did.
Grant chuckled as he stood. “He still isn’t tired of that one, is he?”
Alyssa laughed, but it took effort. “I don’t think he’ll ever get tired of Cars.”
“Probably not.” He gestured toward the kitchen. “You want a cup of coffee?”
“Not tonight.” She sighed. “I really should get home.”
He studied her and cocked his head. “Something wrong? You seem a little out of sorts tonight.”
She swallowed the emotions trying to rise in her throat. Goddammit, why couldn’t she keep it together?
He stepped closer and touched her shoulder. “Lyss, what’s wrong?”
Alyssa sniffed. “Just…it’s been a rough week.”
“You want to talk about it?”
No. I want to forget it ever happened. I want to forget all about Shane McNeill.
“Come on. You look like you need to talk. I know you.”
She managed a quiet laugh. “You can still read me, can’t you?”
“Absolutely.” He gently nudged her toward the kitchen. “Let’s sit down and have a drink.” He paused. “Actually, do you mind if I have a smoke?”
“Sure.”
“Meet me out on the deck.”
As she headed down the hall, he went the other direction, and she heard him said, “Nate, Mom and I are stepping out onto the patio. Stay in the living room, please.”
“Okay, Dad.”
Once Grant had Nate situated in the living room where they could keep an eye on him, he joined Alyssa and pulled his cigarettes and lighter out of his pocket. He cupped his hand around the end of his cigarette, flicked the lighter and took a drag.
Alyssa rested her hands on the railing, trying not to think about how much this reminded her of standing out on the boat with Shane that first night. “So, things with Shane didn’t work out.”
Grant lowered his cigarette. “You told him?”
Closing her eyes, she nodded slowly.
“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.”
“As well as anyone ever does.”
He laughed bitterly. “That bad, huh?”
“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “The thing is, he’s got a past too.”
“What kind of past?”
She turned to him. “The felony kind.”
Grant’s eyes got huge. “No shit? What’d he do?”
“Armed robbery, apparently. He didn’t go into much detail.” She ran a hand through her hair and exhaled sharply. “We didn’t get that far.”
“Seems like kind of an important thing to—” He paused, then opened the sliding glass door and, holding his cigarette away so the smoke didn’t blow in the house, leaned inside. “Nate, what did I say about the DVDs? Put them back on the shelf, please.”
“Sorry, Dad,” came the quiet voice from inside.
Grant watched him for a moment, making sure their son obeyed and started putting the DVDs away. Apparently satisfied Nate was doing what he was supposed to, Grant closed the door. “Anyway. It seems like it’s kind of important to know what kind of felon you’re dealing with.”
“Seems like kind of a moot point.” She hugged herself tight in spite of the warm evening. “I don’t really want to be with someone who’s…you know.”
“What did he think of your past?” Grant asked softly.
“Oh, he was thoroughly impressed,” she grumbled.
Grant blew out some smoke. “And I take it you’re not impressed with that reaction?”
“Of course not.”
He gave her a knowing look. “So, are you pissed off because he won’t look past an irreversible mistake you made years ago, or because he waited too long to tell you about the irreversible mistake he made years ago that he’ll never be able to change?”
Guilt twisted in her belly.
He raised his eyebrows.
“God damn it,” she muttered. “I hate it when you make sense.”
He laughed dryly. “I know you do. But you deserve it for all the times you’ve made sense and talked me out of staying with crazy girls just because they were good in bed.”
“Fair enough, fair enough.” She rested her hands on the railing and glanced past him to quickly check on Nate. Then she returned her attention to Grant. “But we are talking about a felon here. I mean, on the one hand, he’s always been gentle unless I’ve asked him not to be. He’s never been violent or even raised his voice.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “But every time I think about trying to go back to the way things were, I think of those women who go back to the men who beat them.” Dropping her hand, she looked at Grant. “Which is stupid, since he’s never laid a hand on me unless I asked him to.”
“It’s reasonable.” He took another deep drag off his cigarette. “You have to protect yourself. And Nate.”
Alyssa nodded. “Exactly. But, the thing is, before he told me what he did, we had this amazing connection. We did some of the things I’d only ever done with you.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and shifted her weight. “And now I can’t decide if I was stupid to trust him that much, or if I’m stupid to think I shouldn’t trust him now.”
“Well, think about it. Has he ever made you feel threatened? In the present, I mean?”
She swallowed hard and avoided his eyes. “To be honest, I haven’t felt that safe with someone since…”
“Since what?”
Taking a deep breath, Alyssa met his gaze. “Since I was with you.”
Grant flinched. “A connection like that is hard to find, you know.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“So if you’ve got it with this guy, then—”
“Grant, he’s a convicted felon.”
“And you’re an adulterer.”
She gritted her teeth. “Was an adulterer.”
His eyebrow rose.
Alyssa grimaced and looked away. “Okay, point taken. But how can I be sure I’m safe with him?”
“How can he be sure you won’t cheat on him?”
She winced.
“I’m not suggesting you will,” Grant said gently. “But the reason you and I have both been alone all this time is because no one is willing to take a gamble on someone who’s fucked up the way we did. Maybe this guy is someone who’ll give you a shot if you’ll give him one.”
Her shoulders sagged. “Assuming he will give me a shot.”
“Maybe he won’t. But it sounds like you had a really good thing going with him before you both showed your cards. If I were you, I wouldn’t be so quick to give up on it.”
“I guess it’s worth a try.”
“Of course it is. I mean, I know he’s done some shit he’s not proud of, but you and I have too. And neither of us has gotten anywhere with anyone, but maybe you’ve still got a shot with this guy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, he’s got a past too. Maybe if you two can sit down and talk, really get everything out in the open, you can both put it behind you because you both understand what it’s like to have something like that following you around.”
“Maybe,” she whispered. “I hope so.”
Grant put out his cigarette, and then reached for her and hugged her tight. “Good luck, Alyssa. I hope things work out with him.” He kissed the top of her head. “You deserve somebody who’ll make you happy.” Drawing back, he met her gaze and quietly added, “And he probably does too.”
Alyssa chewed her lip.
“Just talk to him.” Grant hugged her again. “I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.”
“Thank you.” She closed her eyes and held him tight. “And thanks for the pep talk.”
“Any time. Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
Somehow I think I’ll need it.