FOR THE CAPTAIN, putting his most personal and troubled thoughts onto a wipe-away board for all to see relieved a volcanic pressure within him. On the morning of his first wipe-away messages, almost immediately after rendering his last misspelled word, his solace was profound. He scampered back to the bridge and his mind was so restful and unburdened that he lay down on his bed—under his bed—to take a nap.
“Psst,” the voice said. “Nice going with the messages on the board.”
The Captain’s heart swelled. Though he’d only known the voice in the vent for a short time, he felt that next to his beautiful daughter—who had been wearing a really sexy number that day, angora probably, he couldn’t get it out of his mind, good god—there was no one whose approval he sought and valued more.
The Captain and the voice in the vent had another wonderful talk that night. The voice in the vent told him about how clouds were full of chemicals that reduced sperm count, and that most forks were covered in pubic hair and should not be used. He explained that pork was actually putty and that all books were written by people who could not get erections and who were plotting against the Captain, in league with the spiders-with-rectal-bleeding. He also reminded the Captain that it was high time he threw some people overboard.
The next morning, the passengers on the ship read a new series of messages on the wipe-away board.
ALSO ABOUT MY P-NUS: MUCH BETTER THAN PREVIOUS CAPTAIN’S.
THIS WEEK: EVERYONE GETS AN XTRA $1.50!
SOME PASSENGERS TO BE THROWN IN OCEAN SOON!!
HAPPY SINCO DE MAYO
The ship’s passengers, even the Most Foul, were conflicted. They were pleased that they would be receiving another $1.50 that week, but they were also concerned about the spiders who caused bleeding, and the fact that the Captain had been captain for many days, and the ship had not yet left port.