A week after being admitted to the emergency ward, Eddie pushed open the glass doors and stepped outside the hospital. Birds dashed from tree to leafless tree, and the fresh air smelled sweet. It was a cool autumn day, but the sun still had power to warm his body and enough glare to make his head hurt.
Eddie had mixed feelings about leaving the hospital. He would miss the bed that he didn’t have to share with his brother and also all the attention the nurses gave him. And even if most of the other patients complained, he thought the food was good, much better than what he ate at home. But he longed to be on his own, outside, far away from the ringing bells, the flushing toilet that woke him from a good sleep, and someone down the hallway coughing until they choked. As soon he had the chance, he would go down to the river to hunt for grouse. If he didn’t see any game, it wouldn’t matter. He would just sit on the bank and listen to the sound of the water.
He limped carefully down the steps to the parking lot. Ray waited in a car, and Isabel stood next to it. There was no sign of his mother or Lewis.
Isabel hurried toward him. She held his face in her hands and hugged him, looking into his eyes. “Let’s go home.”
Ray and Isabel sat on opposite sides of the car, and Eddie wondered if something was wrong. He’d expected to see Isabel sitting right beside Ray and running her fingers through his hair as always. Their silence made him wonder if it was him they were mad at and not each other. When Ray turned the car down the driveway, Eddie let out a long breath, glad he’d be out of the car soon.
Eddie opened the car door and saw Lewis pat a barking dog tied to the clothesline tree.
“That’s my dog, Rip,” Ray said. “He’s an Australian blue heeler. You know, he can round up a herd of cattle all by himself. Only thing is, he won’t stop barking. I figure you and me and Lewis can work the hell out of him. Maybe that’ll shut him up.”
“I think we should just get used to the barking,” Isabel said dryly.
That night in bed Lewis was full of questions about life in the hospital. Eddie told him how some of the old men had a tube shoved up their behinds, then were filled with water, and the funny way they hobbled to the bathroom as fast as they could. When one of the old men didn’t quite make it to the toilet and leaked water on the floor, a man with a mop had to clean it up. Lewis laughed so loud that Grace pounded on the wall. In a low voice he told Lewis about a pretty nurse who leaned over him when she changed the dressing on his head and how he could see down the front of her dress to the cups of her brassiere.
Eddie had a few questions he hadn’t dared to ask Grace. “Did you hear anything about Eva or Albert? Did Mom say anything?”
“Nobody tells me nothing, but I listen when I hear them talking. After I went to bed once, I knew they were talking about you, so I got up and stood behind the bedroom door. Mom said when Alphonse went for the mail, he saw Albert Cluff behind the barn crying. Ray said crying won’t bring back his horse and Albert should just go out and get himself a new one. Isabel said how did he know that was what he was crying about and it could have been his sister that was making him cry. Mom told them how pretty Eva was, and if Ray could have seen her for himself, he would have thought so too. Ray caught me and told me to get to bed. I didn’t hear any more. Now, whenever they see me listening, they tell me to go away.”
Eddie couldn’t sleep. He could only think of Eva. He wanted to find out if she was angry with him for leaving her house that way. As he stared up at the ceiling, he felt calmed as he thought of her. He pictured the two of them walking by the river holding hands, her pretty face smiling at him, the sound of her voice when she laughed, and the way her hair lit up when the sun was behind her. They would stop, and she would take his face in her hands and kiss him again. He closed his eyes to linger on the dream. Suddenly the dog began barking. Eddie opened his eyes, and Eva was gone.
The dog wouldn’t let up. When it was obvious he wasn’t about to stop anytime soon, Eddie heard Ray get up off the couch. The door squeaked open. A few seconds later the dog let out a yelp and was quiet. An hour later the barking started again.
Electricity gave a whole new feeling to the house. Ray and Isabel had gone back to the States for their furniture. Now they slept in the living room on a fold-down couch. They had a record player with speakers that Ray placed in opposite corners of the room. When Eddie sat in a certain spot between them, the music sounded so much better than the scratchy tunes played on the old phonograph Jimmy had left. With so many electrical appliances plugged into the outlets, the fuses kept blowing.
Ray even bought a used television set in town and spent most of the afternoon walking around the yard holding up the antenna while Alphonse shouted to him if the picture got better or worse. All Eddie could see on the screen was a rolling black bar that looked like a windshield wiper in a snowstorm. But Ray wouldn’t give up. He tried every trick he knew to fix the TV picture.
“I have to go to the hardware store in town for a bigger antenna. Whoever wants to come with me, I’ll buy them a hamburger. Huh? Who’s all coming?”
Eddie put on a clean shirt, combed his hair, and was outside standing on the top step before anyone else. A hamburger in town was something he couldn’t pass up. But when he came home, he was going to walk over to see Eva. Nobody could stop him.
Ray leaned under the open hood of the car working on the engine. He stayed outdoors a lot, mostly because he and Isabel couldn’t seem to say anything to each other without an argument breaking out. The only time they were together was at the supper table or when they drove into town.
Ray pulled out the dipstick, checked the oil, and slid the dipstick back into place. He rubbed a smudge off the oil cap with his thumb, closed the hood, and wiped his hands with a rag. Eddie looked down toward the river. A gentle wind wobbled a treetop, and pine siskins rose up and circled the tree before flying away. Eddie walked up to Ray.
“See them birds there stopping and starting?” Ray said. “Know what it reminds me of? You and Gregory playing that game. What was it called? The one where you had your back turned and you would call out something while Gregory tried to sneak up on you before you turned around. Remember? What was it called?”
“Go Go Stop.”
“Yeah, that’s right. The first time you guys played it, Gregory laughed so hard he pissed his pants. I remember giving him hell for it.”
Ray watched the birds darting about below the house. Even though the sun was blocked out by high clouds, he shielded his eyes and squinted as he watched the way they streamed up and touched down, then lifted off again like a trembling shadow.
“I always used to like watching you two. It reminded me of my brother and how he couldn’t beat me at anything. I was always the one that come out on top in the little games we used to play, the foot races and rock throwing. And he could never find me when we played hide and seek.”
“Gregory was a better swimmer than me,” Eddie said.
“Yeah, well, my brother was better with horses than me. I didn’t care for them at all. Just when you think you can relax and take it easy, boom, you’re on the ground with the wind knocked outta you and a sore ass.”
Eddie felt a calmness coming from Ray that seemed to encourage conversation.
“Gregory could go out into the middle of the river where the current was so strong that I could hardly stand up. He was so good at swimming. I wonder why he drowned like that,” Eddie said.
Ray cocked his head to the side and looked down at Eddie. “Swimming? You think that’s what he was doing? Swimming? Jesus Christ.
“He wasn’t in the river. That was the first damn place we looked for him. They found him in a swamp out in the middle of that field behind the cabin. They said he had a goddamn fishin’ line and it looked like he went out on a plank, and it give way, and he fell in. His legs were tangled in wire, or cables, and he couldn’t get out. I don’t know why in hell nobody thought of looking in there. Did you and him go into that swamp? Did you know about it?”
“Yeah,” Eddie said.
“Well, why the hell didn’t you say somethin’? We would have found him in time if we looked there right away. I can’t believe it. I told the both a you to stay away from there. You always were a dumb, useless little bastard back then.”
Eddie’s head throbbed with a pain worse than when he was in the hospital. He placed a hand on the side of his head and winced.
“What, you gonna start cryin’ now?” Ray asked angrily. He stepped in front of Eddie so close that his breath moved Eddie’s hair.
Eddie looked up, surprised at the sudden rage in Ray. It made him wonder what would happen if they were all alone. Ray looked like he wanted to kill him. In the corner of his eye Eddie saw Grace standing on the path from Grandma’s house, arms folded, watching, listening.
“You should be a shamed a yourself.” Ray turned away.
“It’s one word, not two,” Eddie said defiantly. His own anger made him reckless.
Ray looked over his shoulder, confused.
“What did you say?”
“Ashamed is only one word,” Eddie said. “Not two.”
Ray stared at Eddie, his eyes black and fierce.
“Just like your goddamned mom. Both a you with a big mouth and no sense. You don’t know how lucky you are right now,” Ray growled as he walked toward the house.
Eddie looked over at his mother. She unfolded her arms and surged ahead so fast that a dry leaf lifted and curled behind her. She looked at Eddie as she went past him.
“Ray,” she screamed. “You get the hell outta here. You think you can talk to him like that in my house and get away with it? You sonofabitch.”
“Did you hear what he said about—” Ray said loudly.
“I don’t care. Just get out. Get out while you can. If you’re not gone in ten minutes, I’ll put a bullet in you,” Grace said.
“Don’t you threaten me,” Ray warned.
Grace bolted into the house. Then Eddie heard loud scuffling of feet on the floor.
“Grace. Stop it,” Isabel said.
Lewis ran outside and jumped off the steps, looking terrified. He stood behind Eddie and peered around at his mother.
Isabel looked surprisingly agile holding back Grace from getting to Ray. She said quickly, “Ray, look what you done. You can’t stay here no more. Leave your stuff and go. I don’t want no part of you. I had it. Grab your jacket and go. Now.”
Ray pulled his coat off the nail by the door and walked slowly down the steps toward his car, stopping by the two boys. He put his hand on Eddie’s forehead and shoved him hard. Eddie fell to the ground and groaned at the pain.
Grace screamed and broke away from Isabel. “You bastard, Ray. You chicken shit bastard.”
She grabbed her rifle off the wall. Isabel stepped in front of her and took hold of the gun. “Don’t, Grace. Please stop.” The gun dropped to the floor.
Lewis started to cry. Eddie had never seen him so frightened. Ray started the car and spun the tires. They never seemed to stop churning up dust until he turned onto Range Road toward the highway.
An hour later Grace and Isabel sat at the table, drinking tea. Lewis sat between them. Eddie sat on the steps sipping cold water as the aspirin finally began to work.
“I been waiting a long time to get away from him,” Isabel said to Grace. “He really changed after Gregory died. He was mean and miserable all the time and never thought about anybody else. It’s like I took a sack of rocks off my back. The hell with him. Good riddance.”
Grace nodded. “You know what? I’m not going to sit around and talk about another man that can’t grow up. Been around too many of those. Why don’t we all go to town and have us a hamburger steak at the Silver Grill? What do you think, Eddie? And no half orders either.”
Eddie shook his head. “I don’t wanna go to town. That dog kept me up all night.”
After Grace changed and finished her hair and lipstick, she came and sat on the doorsill beside Eddie. Her perfume and hairspray made him queasy.
“I don’t want to leave you here all alone, Eddie. Why don’t I stay with you? We can listen to music, or I could cook something up for you.”
“Mom, I’ll probably just lie down and have a good sleep,” he said. “And I really just want to go down to the river.”
“Okay.” Grace sighed. “What is it about the river? You know, one time when you were barely old enough to walk, you wandered away from the house, and we found you sitting on a log by the river with a smile on your face, like you found a big stash of candy. Huh? Why do you go there by yourself?”
Eddie shrugged. “I dunno.”
“Okay. I’ll bring you back something from town. I think Alphonse is home if you need a visitor.”
She squeezed Eddie’s knee and tousled his hair.
As soon as the car was out of sight, the dog began barking. A sharp pain like a finger touching a sore tooth began throbbing in Eddie’s temples. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, at his face that had been swollen and bruised for a long time but was finally beginning to mend. The bruises on his forehead were now a faint yellow on the outside edges. The gash on his cheek was now broken up into a smaller series of scabs, and his red eye looked almost normal.
He took his old .22 down from the wall and opened the box of shells. A walk along the river was all he’d been able to think about lying in his hospital bed. And he might even get lucky and see a grouse. There were only two shells left. One of them dropped to the floor just as Alphonse appeared in the doorway.
“Going hunting?”
Eddie loaded the gun and put on the safety. “Yeah.”
“See if you can get a blue grouse. I can never get close enough to them anymore. They hear me every time.”
Eddie hoped Alphonse would see that he was in a hurry and didn’t have time to visit.
“Did your mom tell you? Henry Tuttle had a stroke a while back.”
“Huh-uh.”
“A month ago his old lady found him on the floor in the bathroom with his pants down to his ankles. Now he can’t say a word. May said he just lays in bed drooling all over himself. She even has to wipe his ass for him now. You know, I think she was giving me the eye when she told me. Hah. Maybe sometime when you walk in the store and you don’t see anybody behind the counter, I’ll be in the back putting some colour into old May.”
Eddie didn’t respond to Alphonse’s joke.
“Hey. Pay attention when I’m talking to you.”
Eddie felt annoyed with his uncle. He didn’t want to waste time talking or visiting. All he wanted was to walk up to the bridge and maybe catch a glimpse of Eva out in her yard, though she might have gone back to university by now. It didn’t matter. He just wanted to be on his way.
“I said, I’m talking to you.”
Eddie looked up at Alphonse. “What?”
“I seen that Cluff kid the other day behind the hay barn. His saddle was setting on the top rail of the corral and he was humped over it bawling his eyes out. Boy, I don’t know how that kid could care about that damn shitter more than his sister.”
Something in what Alphonse said didn’t sound right.
“What? What do you mean? What are you talking about?”
“What do you think I’m talkin’ about? You telling me you don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Your mom didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Jesus Christ, Eddie. I was up at the road and I seen everything. You were hanging on to that girl for dear life on the back of that horse. There was a tanker truck coming right up on you two, and when the driver honked his horn, that horse spooked and shifted into high gear. When you guys come around that corner to go onto Range Road and I saw the gate was closed, I knew there was gonna be a bad wreck. That little girl was standing in her stirrups and pulling on the reins to get that shitter to stop, but that horse tried to jump over the cattle guard. He didn’t make it. He landed a foot away from the other side. His front legs went down between the rails and flipped him ass over tea kettle, snapping his front legs.
“You were both thrown over that horse’s head, and that girl landed on the hardpan road with you right on top. I thought you was both goners, but she broke your fall. Christ, that horse was screaming and kicking and waving his broken legs in the air. That girl’s brother came around the corner just when I put a bullet behind that horse’s ear.
“Ambulance showed up and took both of you to the hospital. Sorry to say, Eddie, but that poor little girl died right there on that road with you beside her. I seen her. I had to shoot that shitter, or he would have kicked your head off.
“You didn’t know? Why the hell didn’t anybody tell you? I should have just shut up, dammit. I shouldn’t have said nothin’.”
Alphonse hurried out the door. He tossed a rock at the barking dog. The barking stopped until he went over the hill out of sight.
Eddie picked up the gun and went into the bedroom to grab what he had kept hidden under the mattress. His leg felt stiff as he hurried outside. He needed to get as far away from the house as fast he could. The dog jumped at the end of its chain whining and spinning in circles. When Eddie’s foot turned on a rock, he called out in pain, surprising the dog and sending it into a new frenzy of yelping.
Eddie pulled off the safety, brought up the barrel, and placed the front sight in the vee of the rear sight, right in the middle of the dog’s forehead. The dog’s head kept changing positions but Eddie was surprised at his steady hand. For a split second he considered letting the dog off the chain to see if he could bring it down on the run. He took a breath and pulled the trigger. The stock gave a slight bump against his shoulder. The report was soft like a struck match. The dog fell to the ground as if its legs had suddenly turned to jelly while the crack of the gun washed over the nearby bushes and trees.
Eddie walked over to the dog. If it needed another bullet in the head to finish it off, then the dog would have to suffer. There was only one shell left. A scarlet puddle formed on the ground below the dog’s open mouth, and the long tongue began folding itself into bubblegum-pink layers.
Eddie unhooked the chain and shoved the dog inside a potato sack Ray had put under the tree for a blanket. He swung the sack over his shoulder and kicked dirt over the patch of blood. Stumbling with the weight of the dog and the pain in his leg, he hurried down the bank straight through the Oregon grape.
The smell of the bush was thick in his nose. Sharp leaves scratched his neck. Hawthorn spikes grabbed at his shirt. A squirrel squatting on a high tree branch observed him with a sideways stare as Eddie slipped quietly into the bush. Where the undergrowth thickened, he recognized landmarks and soon picked up his old trail. It swerved back and forth, the way he had designed it, to throw off trackers.
Stepping out onto the shore of the river, he dropped the sack to the ground. He kneeled on the gravel and scooped handfuls of water onto his face to wash away the sweat stinging his old cuts and stitches. He swallowed noisily until his scratchy throat felt soothed and his stomach felt heavy. Then he slumped down on the ground near the end of the log where he had spent the day, weeks earlier, worrying about his fight with Rodney Bell, thinking it was the worst thing that could ever happen to him. This had once been a place of comfort where he felt safe and out of the way, but now it was just an old log in a place no one cared about.
Ragged clouds floated at the edges of the hills like puffs of smoke. Turkey vultures circled beneath the colourless sky, still looking to feast on the salmon run that Eddie knew was over weeks ago. But there was an unmistakable aroma of dead fish in the air, and it always carried with it a dim memory of the ocean.
To Eddie’s surprise he saw a lone spawner close to shore barely moving, just enough to keep it from being carried away. By the number of scales spread around the gravel Eddie could tell that it had struggled for a long time trying to stay alive. The gashes and open wounds on the silver body showed the wear and tear of the journey upstream over beaver dams and through open rapids where bears and gaff-pole fishermen tried to pick off the salmon one by one. Jostled up and down against the rocks by the rolling water, the fish jerked three times, took a gulp of air, and was still.
A gust of wind felt cold on Eddie’s face, and he opened his eyes. He sat up shivering and realized he had fallen asleep. He’d used the dead dog as a pillow; there was a wet spot where his head had been. He picked up the sack and tossed it out into the deep water. The rolling action of the river bobbed the sack up and down for a time before it slipped under. As he watched small bubbles float to the surface, he knew exactly what he wanted to do. He loaded the gun with the last shell, pulled on the safety, and turned back up the trail.
Pulling back the branches of a low poplar, Eddie found what he was looking for: the hollow tree he’d often crawled inside when he was little. It had made him feel safe. Looking at the tree now, he thought how silly he had been then. He found the entrance behind bushes and dug out the dead leaves and sticks with the butt of the gun, stopping now and then to catch his breath and let the pain in his head pass. Then he went down to his hands and knees, shoved the gun inside, and squeezed through the hole. Using the side of his foot, he cleared more debris back out through the entrance. When he sat down in the tight space, his good knee touched his chest while the now-throbbing sore one poked out the opening. He released the safety on the gun.
The air was so cold his breath rose up and out the top of the tree like smoke up a chimney. He closed his eyes and shook his head. During his stay at the hospital he had foolishly believed that when he came home, everything that was wrong would somehow have fixed itself and his troubles would be over. But nothing had changed since he crawled inside the tree as a little boy and imagined himself flying above everybody among the white puffy clouds. It had all been in his imagination. They were just dreams.
He leaned back and bumped the tree with the back of his head. Bits of spongy rotten wood landed on his shoulders. After a few moments he was able to calm himself and breathe slower. His headache went away, and his thoughts cleared.
Eddie pictured the store where he and Gregory stood outside on the porch looking in at the shelves of everything a boy could want, imagining what it would be like if they were allowed to pick out anything. If Ray hadn’t said Gregory would be alive today if anyone had looked for him in the swamp, Eddie might never have remembered it. But there were so many other places that he and Gregory had found by braving spiders and snakes. Once they came across an old outhouse with a rotting floor and dared each other to jump up and down in it. And when they stood on a high hill overlooking the highway below and threw rocks down at the cars, Gregory had nailed the windshield of a pickup truck. The driver had slammed on his brakes, got out, and looked all around. They’d laughed.
The eye that had been scratched in the fight with Rodney began to water, which set off the other eye. Soon his old cuts and stitches were stinging again from the tears rolling down his face. It was a long time before he could take deep breaths without his body shaking and trembling. He wiped the tears from his face with his shirt sleeve and put Gregory out of his mind. Then his thoughts turned to Eva.
Maybe he should do what he’d seen in the movies, leave a letter. But the only two people in the world who’d ever seemed to care about him, Eva and Grandma, were gone now. Nobody would even bother to read it. Isabel would take over his bed, and Lewis would sleep on the couch. His brother would like that. He could go outside for a pee or walk around the sleeping house to look in on everybody and see what they were doing. He could come and go as he pleased. Everybody would be better off.
Eddie took a last look around. When he looked up through the open top of the tree to the sky that was now the clearest blue, he saw the sun reflecting off the wing of a jet that glided across. Its vapour trail floated behind as if it were unzipping the sky. It wasn’t until the aircraft had gone out of sight that he heard the growl of its engines.
Most of the leaves from the poplars were gone. He stared through a crack in the wood through bare branches down toward the river and all the way up to the dark faraway hills against the northern sky. Many times he’d stopped to admire the sight and wonder what was on the other side.
Eddie pulled Eva’s yellow kerchief out of his pocket, buried his face in it, and took a deep breath. He held the faint, soapy, lemony scent of her inside of him for as long as he could. When he let his breath go, he knew he was ready.
His shaking finger curled around the cold curve of the trigger. As he closed his eyes, a woodpecker began hammering away on a rock-hard fir. He paused. In that brief moment of hesitation, he heard the fluttering of little birds’ wings, fir cones swishing down through the boughs of trees as they fell but never seemed to land, the faraway cooing of an inconsolable mourning dove, and the nearby river washing over rocks and logs.