6
How Disordered Attachments and Addictions Thwart True Desire
Sometimes God shows up in unexpected places. One of the most profound epiphanies I’ve ever experienced happened not in church but in the grocery store. In the months leading up to this, I noticed that I was obsessively thinking about food. I would plan the week’s menu while listening to the sermon or stop at the market for a few items and emerge half an hour later with twenty. I subscribed to three food magazines and religiously read each issue. And no matter how much bread I ate, I always wanted more.
On this particular night, I allowed myself a moment of quiet reverie in the bakery section. After much deliberation, I chose two loaves of sourdough and lovingly set them on top of my overflowing cart. Moments later, while standing in the checkout line, I surveyed my merchandise. It was too much. Even with a family of five, I could not justify buying this much food. Feelings of shame and condemnation descended upon me.
In that vulnerable moment, I shot up a prayer to God: What’s going on with my out-of-control food shopping and the bread obsession? He instant-messaged me with a question of His own: What does food represent to you? I burst into tears. The teenage checker eyed me with a combination of care and suspicion and inquired if I needed help. I nodded, then clarified, “Not the kind you would be able to provide.”
Some of you might wonder why I would include this topic in a marriage book written primarily for Christians. Others completely understand but wish you didn’t. I’m writing on disordered attachments and addictions because I agree with psychiatrist and counselor Gerald May, who writes,
The psychological, neurological, and spiritual dynamics of full-fledged addiction are actively at work within every human being. The same processes that are responsible for addiction to alcohol and narcotics are also responsible for addiction to ideas, work, relationships, power, moods, fantasies, and an endless variety of other things. We are all addicts in every sense of the word. 1
May’s claim might come off as simultaneously hyperbolic and offensive. Does he really mean to indict all of us? I think so. Some of us are attached to inarguably destructive substances such as pornography and tobacco. Others of us have developed unhealthy relationships with media or food. All day, every day, we face an onslaught of temptations. When we repeatedly give in to these temptations, they sabotage our transformation, suck the life from our marriages, and prevent us from discovering our true desires.
Despite my conviction that this chapter needs to be included, it’s not an easy one to write. Though it’s now totally normal to disclose any and all personal details to the world via social media, I do not enjoy revealing the sins that Christopher and I battle. However, regarding sin, if we stay silent, we stay trapped. If we admit our struggles and failures, we are more likely to break the power of shame and self-deception. In order to become more like Jesus and love our spouses well, we need to root out all addictive thoughts and behaviors and learn to make healthy attachments. I’ll talk about how that happens in this chapter.
What’s So Bad about Sin? (And What Exactly Qualifies as Sin?)
We start the process of breaking free from disordered attachments and addictions when we willingly name certain thoughts and behaviors as sin. This tiny word carries powerful psychological and theological implications, which might be why we tend to avoid it. Most of us understand sin as either a debt incurred due to a specific failure (which Jesus repays through His death on the cross), or a soul-sickness (which Jesus heals), or both. According to theologian N. T. Wright, “‘Sin’ … is not ‘breaking the rules’ but ‘missing the mark,’ failing to hit the target of complete, genuine, glorious humanness.” 2 Put more simply, sin is thoughts and behaviors that diminish us and prevent us from thriving.
Though we’re all good people with good intentions, we all sin. I have repeatedly lied, hoarded my time, gossiped, and failed to care for widows and orphans. Christopher has succumbed to envy and gluttony, overused media, and trusted the work of his hands over God’s provision. (Neither list is exhaustive.) These were not simply inconsequential mistakes. Because they were motivated by selfishness, fear, pride, and so on—all of which are contrary to God’s nature—they need to be named for what they are: sin. And because sin separates us from God and each other, it must be included in our conversations about making our marriages beautiful.
Despite our current reality, it was not God’s intention for sin to be part of marriage. Satan introduced enmity to the world by asking one simple question: “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (Gen. 3:1). Obviously, the serpent was not earnestly seeking clarification. The question was meant to cast a shadow of doubt on God’s character and simultaneously tear apart the first marriage. And as we all know, the scheme worked—not just for Adam and Eve but for all of humanity.
Today the Enemy asks each of us a similar question. Though the specifics vary, the first four words are always the same: “Did God really say …?” Perhaps he asks you, “Did God really say that you could experience sexual pleasure only in the confines of your marriage?” or “Did God really say that you can’t indulge in romantic fantasies about someone other than your spouse?”
When we face ongoing temptations or have unfulfilled desires, we might begin to wonder if God’s way really leads to an abundant life. Our doubt can be summed up in two questions: Is He really a good and loving Father? and Can I trust Him? If Adam and Eve had been able to answer yes to those questions, could they have sent the serpent packing? If the man viewing online porn believed that following Paul’s advice to flee from sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18) would ultimately benefit him and his wife, could he close the browser and humbly ask for help?
Here’s another more specific question directly connected to disordered attachments and addictions: Is God’s mandate for how we steward our bodies the exclusive way we will flourish? Author David Platt responds in Counter Culture:
The Bible emphasizes the importance of our bodies, saying that the body is meant “for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13). That simple phrase is a substantial starting point for understanding God’s design for us. Our bodies have been created not only by God but also for God. 3
If this is true, then only when we submit the whole of who we are to our Father’s directives will we find true satisfaction, contentment, and joy.
We become familiar with those directives and gain understanding of the nature of sin by regularly reading and studying our owner’s manual: the Bible. According to several vice lists found in the New Testament, the following fall under the category of sin: greed, theft, idolatry, jealousy, selfishness, pride, lying, as well as the many forms of sexual sin (1 Cor. 6:9–11, 18; Gal. 5:19–21). 4 And in case you don’t find your specific sin listed, James 4:17 reads, “Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”
What Do Addictions Look Like?
An addiction can be defined as a “state of compulsion, obsession, or preoccupation that enslaves a person’s will and desire.” 5 It is “a state of thirsting again and again for something that is not living water.” 6 In other words, addictions will not—and by nature cannot—satisfy our true need. Patrick Carnes, in his classic book on addictions, Out of the Shadows, writes,
Addiction taps into the most fundamental human processes. Whether the need is … to be sexual, to eat, or even to work, the addictive process can turn creative, life-giving energy into a destructive, demoralizing compulsivity. 7
We can become addicted to almost anything, but none of us take the first bite of the apple aware of just how bitter the fruit will eventually become. Christopher initially encountered pornography in his uncle’s garage at age twelve. Soon after, he began what would become a fifteen-year addiction to fantasy and masturbation. In addition to my unhealthy attachment to food, I spent hours poring over Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, and other high-end decorating catalogs, imagining how my life would be quantifiably better if I had that house with that patio and those plates. It didn’t matter whether or not I purchased anything. I wasted an inordinate amount of time coveting and not being grateful for my abundant life.
Because there’s so much deceit swirling around addictions, we sometimes lack the objectivity necessary to identify them. Addictions have five stages: a triggering event or thought, preoccupation with the addiction, ritualization, the compulsive act, and finally, shame and despair. 8 (Whereas no stage model can be viewed as an absolute, a model like this one is useful when facing problems as large and complex as addiction.) Until we are willing to recognize the specific facets of our addictions, we may find ourselves stepping off the cliff before we realize where our feet have taken us.
In the first stage, a trigger might be as innocent as driving past a risqué billboard or hearing the pop of a cork as it’s pulled from a wine bottle. It might also be more complex. Christopher’s addictive cycle was often prompted by peer rejection, loneliness, or performance anxiety. Feeling sorry for myself and craving beauty typically initiated my compulsive-shopping fantasies.
Stage two of the addictive process is preoccupation. Whether it’s shopping, eating, gambling, or acting out sexually, we begin to tune out other options and people as we move toward the object of our desires. Because what we’re doing feels shameful, secrecy is imperative.
During the ritualization phase, we create special routines that safeguard the process, make it predictable, and prolong the enjoyment. The pornography addict might act out every Saturday night. The woman trapped by the empty promises of hypersexualized romance novels might pour herself a glass of Merlot and always sit in the same chair whenever she reads.
Throughout the process, excitement builds even as we detach from reality, ignore potential consequences, and distance ourselves from our spouses and God. At this point in the cycle, it’s nearly impossible to stop (though we tell ourselves and others that we could stop whenever we want). The pinnacle might be an orgasm, hitting the buy button, the first sip of alcohol, or the back-and-forth of potentially dangerous social media relationships. As soon as the euphoric moment is over, death and shame rush in, eclipsing the fleeting euphoria with the truth that we are trapped.
Steven is a talented, mature professional. His two-decade sexual addiction began while he was in college and gradually escalated from soft pornography to hard-core porn to strip clubs and, finally, to massage parlors. He was triggered by financial stress, too much unstructured time, and seeing sexually charged images (which are increasingly prevalent in our culture). Those triggers quickly placed him in the fast lane to the preoccupation and ritualization phases. He admits, “I had the whole city mapped out. I knew which bookstores had the most explicit stuff and which corner stores allowed easy browsing of magazines. When going grocery shopping, I would stop at a strip club and then shop. I had very specific routes.” After acting out, Steven experienced “disgust, regret, anxiety, despair, and the terror of being discovered.” This succinctly describes addiction’s downward spiral.
What Causes Our Disordered Attachments and Addictions?
The causality of addictions is as varied as the ways we act out. Most addictions emerge as misguided attempts to meet genuine needs or alleviate pain. When we try to meet our needs and alleviate pain on our own, we may make disordered attachments. God designed us to attach to Him and healthy others. His intention is for us to turn to Him and these others whenever we experience need, desire, or pain. The Enemy continuously slips us counterfeits, hoping that we will attach to and depend on them. They woo us by approximating what we need, numbing our pain, and providing quick relief or even great pleasure. Counterfeits promise us everything but ultimately provide nothing.
That evening in the grocery store, the Holy Spirit’s question pierced through this deception. What did the food, specifically the bread, represent? Something powerful that I lacked during those early years of parenting: nurture. Like any symbol, it pointed me to a deeper reality. And like any symbol, it had the potential to become a substitute for the actual object of my longing: true nurture offered by God, my husband, and my Christian brothers and sisters.
The thought processes and behaviors that lead us to choose counterfeits can be set in place early, long before we know what we are doing or why we are doing it. This proclivity toward addiction is not necessarily an indictment of our families. Even if we were raised in godly, intact homes, all of us experience anxiety, disappointment, pain, and loss. As children, if we faced these stressors on an ongoing basis or did not have help learning how to develop healthy strategies, we defaulted to coping. Some of the coping strategies we turned to were maladaptive, such as eating when lonely. Over time, it’s possible for such behaviors to gradually devolve into addictions.
Numerous factors contribute to our maladaptive coping behaviors. Some factors—such as onetime traumas or repeated episodes of physical or sexual abuse—are obvious. Others are inconspicuous. Because I was unusually sensitive and felt things so deeply, I learned to hide my needs from others and take care of myself. Being a victim of racism and socioeconomic injustices can contribute to addictive behavior because powerlessness propagates desperation and despair. Some research points to genetics as a significant contributor to addictive behavior. 9 (It remains unclear how much of that is spiritual [see Deut. 5:9; Exod. 20:4–6] and how much is physiological.) Certain types of family systems may foster addictive patterns, specifically families that are chaotic or have “high demands for performance and achievement coupled with little or no encouragement and nurture.” 10
Another factor that inclines us toward disordered attachments and addictions is a failure to bond with our parents. 11 God sets us in families so that our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs will be consistently and lovingly met. Many of our mothers and fathers instinctively began the process of bonding as they nurtured us through gentle touch, a caring tone of voice, attentiveness, and the provision of physical sustenance. Our parents’ consistent care communicated that we were lovely and lovable, which allowed us to feel secure and confident. A secure child does not dwell on fear of rejection or abandonment and understands how to connect, even at a young age.
If we failed to bond with our parents or caregivers, we may gravitate toward unhealthy behaviors and thoughts in an effort to alleviate the dull ache that lingers from our unmet needs. Insecure children might feel compelled to become perfect in hopes of avoiding criticism. They might learn to detach from their emotions and attach to objects that will not disappoint or hurt them, such as food, television, and books.
As maladaptive coping behaviors become habits, faulty belief systems develop around them. A faulty belief system may lead us to understand God as distant and harsh rather than accessible and loving. We may struggle to trust others and assume we have to take care of ourselves. This skewed set of beliefs also permeates our self-perception. We look at ourselves in a shattered mirror and see a defective version of reality rather than an accurate depiction of individuals who reflect a glorious God.
Broken cultures confirm our flawed beliefs rather than convicting us of our sin and pointing us back to God. In the United States, we bow down to the idols of power and distorted youthful sexuality. In this idolatrous landscape, “men become economic symbols. Women become sex symbols.” 12 Culture encourages men to exploit their power in the boardroom and the bedroom and to brush aside their God-given calling as coheirs. In this system, women are objectified and then wrestle to make sense of two divergent distortions: first, that their bodies wield power because men want what they have; and, second, that they may be overtaken by men at any time and therefore are exceedingly vulnerable. Both genders are discouraged from controlling sexual urges, a tragic reality that diminishes all of us.
Rather than help us become fierce warriors and humble servants for the kingdom of God, broken cultural systems push us toward instant gratification. They encourage us to stuff our needy bodies with sugar, alcohol, and drugs instead of filling ourselves with the life-giving body and blood of Christ. They also aim to convince us that control is more advantageous than interdependence. If we buy into the lie that these broken systems offer, we turn our backs on our spouses and God and fall into the deceitful embrace of the counterfeit.
How Do Addictions Affect Marriages?
In God’s design, our marriages are to be characterized by nurture, trust, vulnerability, sacrificial love, and intimacy. Sexual addictions, particularly those leading to infidelity, affect every one of these components. When a spouse goes outside of the marital covenant to get his or her sexual needs met, trust is destroyed and a sense of safety is lost. The betrayal may take years or even decades to heal. Regarding the repercussions of his addictions on his wife, Steven, whom I introduced a few pages back, said, “I will never fully grasp the depth of pain I caused Cassandra—the degree to which I betrayed her trust and shredded her self-esteem. Our former pastor described the impact of my addiction as ‘that of a Mack truck driving though a beautiful stained-glass window.’”
The effect of sexual addictions and infidelity on the marital covenant is inarguable, but the truth is, all addictions adversely affect marriage. One spouse’s addictive tendencies can create or foment an addictive response in the other person. For instance, when the husband is constantly plugged in and cannot detach from the virtual world, the wife may learn to cope with being ignored by finding a counterfeit of her own. If we increasingly turn outward to get our needs met, alienation, hopelessness, and anger may result. It’s no surprise that this dynamic can make us vulnerable to affairs.
The damage from our addictive behaviors extends far beyond the relational component. Studies have shown that habitual use of pornography functions in much the same way that a milder, gateway drug does in the realm of addiction: it creates neural pathways or behavioral grooves that incline us toward the same type of pleasurable rewards. Repeated exposure to pornography can also lead to darker, riskier forms of sexual behavior, such as anonymous hookups and sadism/masochism. 13 Additionally, if we continue our addictive patterns, we will need increasing amounts to find the same level of relief.
Other forms of addictive behavior have their own unique repercussions. Scripture is quite clear about the concept of sowing and reaping: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Gal. 6:7 NIV). Though we might pretend that it isn’t true, our behaviors have consequences that will affect not only our spouses but quite possibly generations to come. If we fail to deal with our addictions, our children may face similar struggles (see Exod. 20:4–6).
Finally, addictive behavior squanders our relational and creative energy. The time we spend hiding our forbidden stashes, devising virtual versions of ourselves, and fantasizing about the life we wish we had diverts us away from what God is calling us to do, as well as the actual family waiting for us at the dinner table. Investing our creativity in our marriages and in the pursuit of God brings a much more satisfying and lasting return, even though it involves considerably more effort.
Getting Free
Steven, Christopher, and I each took the first step toward freedom by confessing our sins. Not long after my epiphany at the grocery store, I felt the Holy Spirit communicating that I needed to tell someone. Rather than dismissing this terrifying thought, I told Christopher first and then a few close friends. It felt totally humiliating, but I also experienced an unexpected freedom. Now that someone else finally knew about my struggle with food, I no longer had to hide it.
Movement away from the counterfeit continues as we learn to recognize and interrupt our addictive cycles. Christopher details his process:
I spent ten years getting addicted and five years getting sober. I now believe that it takes only a day to get sober or, in fact, a moment. The moment I got sober was when I sat in the anxiety and pain that had become so familiar to me and chose not to act on my desires but rather to open up this infected pocket to the Lord. Rather than shutting Him out, I asked Him to be with me.
I discovered two things in that moment. First, contrary to what my feelings were telling me, I didn’t die by not acting out. And second, Jesus Christ met me in the places of my greatest shame. When I heard other people talk about Jesus being enough for them in the face of their temptations, it always sounded so abstract, but in that moment, it was my actual experience.
It took me several more years to own my sobriety on a daily basis. The addiction lost its hold as I began to recognize what triggered me, how I habitually reacted to the triggers, and how they propelled me through an utterly predictable routine. Once my eyes were open to the compulsiveness and self-loathing that were part of the cycle, it became easier to interrupt the cycle, make different choices, and believe in my own worth. Connecting with God and people provided the most effective help. Eventually, the addictive cycle sputtered at stage one—the triggering event—and I knew I was free.
Christopher’s experience highlights a crucial component of gaining sobriety: choosing to live in the presence of God at all times. In the sixteen hundreds, a humble Carmelite brother named Lawrence sought to understand how he could remain connected to Jesus and overcome his sin. In several letters to his superiors, Brother Lawrence articulated how he trained his mind to stay present with the Lord:
Think often of God, day and night, in all your tasks, in all your religious duties, even in all your amusements. He is always at your side. Do not fail in fellowship with him. You would consider it discourteous to neglect a friend who visited you. Why abandon God and leave him alone? Do not then forget him. Think of him often. Worship him all the time. Live and die with him. That is the Christian’s lovely task, in a word, our calling. 14
We practice living in God’s presence by asking Him to stay near even in our moments of temptation and struggle. Although God is never a complicit companion in our sin, He will not abandon us as we surf the web, stop at the massage parlor, or consume an entire bag of chips in one sitting. We practice God’s presence when we converse with Him in each stage of our addictive cycles until we begin to believe that He really loves us despite ourselves.
As we learn to draw near to Him, we reroute those addictive thought patterns, detach from our counterfeits, and increasingly attach to God and healthy others. Our trust grows. Our confidence deepens. In the course of time, we learn that by pressing into our disappointment and suffering, we discover what we truly desire: to give and receive authentic love. The root of our addictions is not that we have desires; it’s that we succumb to our disordered desires and are “too easily pleased.” 15
Our deepening connection with God and our spouses will allow us to restructure our belief systems. Out go the deceptions. No, you don’t have to obey your impulses. No, you are not the only Christian woman addicted to pornography. As the lies vaporize, we begin to recognize the extent of our self-deceit and the many ways it has adversely influenced us. These revelations are painful but must be confronted if we are to become more like Christ.
The realignment of our beliefs should not lead us to believe that we are out of the proverbial woods and no longer need to be mindful of our vulnerabilities. In fact, it should have the opposite effect. Some of us will need to disconnect the Wi-Fi and cable in our homes or, at minimum, avoid hypersexualized shows and movies. Others will need to sign up for accountability services, 16 cut up their credit cards, or refrain from ever drinking alcohol. Jesus is our model for resisting temptation. He was tempted in every way that we are, but He did not give in (Heb. 4:15). Regardless of the temptations we face, each of us should make a list of five friends to call when the Evil One hisses, “Did God really say …?”
Scripture promises that God “blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation” (James 1:12) and that the Lord will show us a way out when we are tempted (1 Cor. 10:13). One safeguard from sin is to proactively “build a complete life with constructive recreation and meaningful work and relationships so the yearnings that so often lead to sin have less of a place in our lives.” 17 This will require much of us. But I promise, it’s much more satisfying than any of the other options.
Steven’s Story
Steven and Cassandra have been married for more than three decades. This brilliant, mega-talented couple reveal Christ’s mercy and truth wherever they plant their feet. They courageously offered to share about addiction’s impact on their marriage and how God gradually restored them. (Cassandra’s story is in chapter 7.)
Steven: I was already sexually addicted when we got married, but I mistakenly thought that marriage would resolve my issues. Cassandra knew some of my struggles, but as most addicts tend to do, I minimized just how pervasive it was. Several years into the marriage, I crossed a line by engaging in risky behavior and knew I had to tell her. Even then, it wasn’t the full picture.
At that point, I needed help, so I joined a support group at church, got into therapy, and let my friends know what happened. I made an honest attempt at recovery, but no one really understood what was going on. My therapist didn’t even see it as a huge problem, which empowered me to be fooled.
During the next four years, Steven made some progress but failed to understand how habitual masturbation was “fighting the fire with gasoline.” The fire heated into an inferno, and one morning Cassandra caught him on the Internet after he had been up all night acting out. This was a pivotal point in their marriage—the proverbial rock bottom. Cassandra was devastated and had to decide if she wanted to stay in the marriage. This time Steven made different choices. He switched to a new therapist—one who recognized the severity of the situation—and joined an accountability group, which he claims saved his life.
Steven: It was wonderful to be in a room with a bunch of honest guys, some of whose lives were falling apart and others who were getting sober. We were all on the same page. I remember the first time I hit thirty days of sobriety. Everyone stood up and clapped for me. It was hugely inspiring.
After nearly twenty years of sobriety, my beliefs about God and myself have shifted. Before, I believed that I was God’s exception clause—that God’s grace could extend to everyone but me. One of the very real questions I had to wrestle with was Do I really believe that this God I’ve been serving all my life can heal me? I had felt great hopelessness and shame. I wondered if my family and the world would be better off without me. Those questions are settled now.
The settledness and sobriety have had an enormous positive impact on our marriage. Trust is a lot better than it used to be. I’ve started to have a correct understanding of sex. I went from believing that sex is everything to seeing that sex is an important part of marriage but certainly not the most important component.
Sobriety does not mean we are never tempted or never fail. It does mean that we recognize our limitations, and rather than skating around the edges of our sin, we hang up the skates. It also means that shame loses its power over us. As the triumphs outweigh the failures, we are no longer controlled by the “psychic malignancy” 18 of addiction.
This is slow and humiliating work, but it is not without measurable rewards. As Christopher and I have found increasing freedom from our disordered attachments and addictions, we are less defensive and more vulnerable. Our trust has deepened, allowing us to attach to each other and God more fully. We have feasted on the bread of life and understand there is no substitute.
Going Deeper
1. When are you tempted to doubt God’s promises and His goodness? When are you tempted to doubt your spouse’s motivation and love? When doubts or fears surface, how do you respond? Is the connection between doubts, fears, and addictions obvious to you?
2. What behaviors and thought processes do you engage in that cause you to disconnect and create distance from your spouse, God, and others? How does the behavior serve you? (For example, does it prevent you from feeling pain?) How does it harm you?
3. Write down any addictive cycles and explore any broken belief systems that might be embedded in them. (For example, “No one is trustworthy.”) Be brutally honest. What are these behaviors and thought patterns costing you and your spouse?
4. Read and meditate on Matthew 4:1–11. Satan offered Jesus counterfeits. How might Jesus’s choices inform our choices in similar circumstances?
5. What does it feel like to wait in a posture of faith when you face an unmet need or are being tempted to act out? Name the specific feelings. Now bring that feeling to God and your spouse and see what happens.