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Beyond Pink and Blue

Creating Christ-Centered Gender Expectations

Christopher and I sometimes refuse to comply with the gender stereotypes presented to us by American culture. For example, one evening a few years back, Christopher practiced the piano while I installed our new dishwasher. He didn’t offer to help, and I didn’t ask. He deeply appreciates my willingness to take on home-improvement projects and feels no compulsion to rescue me or take over. Frankly, he’s relieved. His personal strategy regarding repairs tends to be “If I can’t fix it with duct tape or hot glue, I’ll overlook it.” When similar situations played out earlier in our marriage, I tended to resent him. This time, I enjoyed being serenaded. We were making progress.

We chose not to conform to traditional gender norms long before we got married. I played competitive sports from kindergarten through college and then worked in the male-dominated field of news and sports photography for nearly two decades. During high school, Christopher opted for chorus and theater. To this day, he feels more at ease on a stage with a microphone than on a court with any type of spherical object. In fact, after years of basketball games with our sons, his layups still resemble Fred Astaire with a charley horse. However, he slam-dunks me in the emotional-relational realm. Not only can he skillfully lead a roomful of people in a fruitful discussion, but he also knows what he’s feeling at every given moment and willingly shares those feelings with me.

If you imagine that we’ve always appreciated and respected these profound and quirky differences, you would be wrong. Until fairly recently, we toggled between shame, disappointment, and anger. Why have we struggled to appreciate each other’s uniqueness? Primarily because we’re sinful but also because of the extrabiblical gender expectations we unwittingly carried into our marriage.

Even if you fit more neatly into traditional gender roles than Christopher and I do, you probably also brought a few gender-based expectations into your marriage that occasionally result in conflict and hurt feelings—or worse. The fact that some church cultures have unwritten rules for men’s and women’s behavior further complicates this matter.

For years, Christopher and I struggled to discern what caused several of our recurring battles. Through much trial and error, we learned to unpack our conflicts by asking, Where did these specific expectations come from? Does the Bible validate these expectations? And perhaps most important, Do these expectations help or hinder us from honoring each other? We will explore these and other questions throughout this chapter.

I’m well aware that conversations about gender have the potential to arouse suspicion and polarize us, perhaps more so within faith communities. If the preceding paragraphs raise red flags, let me clarify. I believe that men and women are purposefully created with distinct gender differences that should not be ignored or downplayed. I also believe the arc of Scripture promotes marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman for life. Furthermore, I am not advocating gender neutrality or gender fluidity. I am advocating that we examine our gender-based expectations through the lens of Scripture—rather than secular or church culture—to the end goal of helping each other flourish.

Christopher and I have found that it’s rarely fruitful to conform—or try to make each other conform—to rigid, binary gender roles, particularly if we have not prayerfully and thoroughly discussed the implications of these roles. Whether we’re considering mundane household responsibilities or more consequential roles, God offers us a wide variety of options regarding how we live out our calling in the context of marriage. As we learn to identify any extrabiblical gender expectations that we impose on each other and then choose to release our spouses from those expectations, we can esteem, enjoy, and appreciate the actual person we married rather than try to make them conform to our preconceived expectations.

Why Gender Matters

At the pinnacle of creation,

God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.…”

So God created human beings in his own image.

In the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them. (Gen. 1:26–27)

Several remarkable concepts are found in this short passage. First, unlike all other creatures, God created us in His image so that we would reveal and represent Him on the face of the earth. We often fail to appreciate the wonder and staggering implications of this reality.

Second, an individual man or woman cannot fully reflect God. Author and theologian Carolyn Custis James explains, “Adam is one. But the God he represents is plural—a Trinitarian three in one. A solitary image bearer cannot adequately or accurately reveal God in the world, much less fulfill his destiny as a human being.” 1 Because the Trinity consists of both masculine and feminine attributes, men and women image the triune God more fully when they create and participate in collaborative partnerships (marriage or otherwise).

If we fail to live according to God’s template as equal but different creations, we may unwittingly reject our unique callings and devalue His intentional design. This can leave us edging toward polar opposites: gender rigidity on one extreme (locking ourselves into specific, socially accepted roles) or gender elasticity on the other (pushing beyond the healthy boundaries of one’s given gender, or refusing to accept one’s masculinity or femininity). ² How, then, can we find a middle ground that allows us to live securely in our own gender and faithfully represent the One who made us? Perhaps first we need to discern exactly what gender is and why it matters.

Gender is deeply connected to one’s sex, which is determined in utero, and is fixed for life. Author Debra Hirsch writes, “The term sex (as a category) is now generally used to refer to a person’s biological sex (i.e., male or female).” ³ By contrast, author Mark Yarhouse says,

Gender refers to the psychological, social and cultural aspects of being male or female.… Gender identity is often associated with gender role. Gender role, then, refers to ways in which people adopt cultural expectations for maleness or femaleness. This includes but is not limited to academic interests, career pursuits and so on. ⁴

We cannot divorce ourselves from our sex or our gender without some level of personal disintegration and without partially concealing the imago Dei within us. Because our bodies were designed by God, in His image, they reveal God’s kingdom and aspects of His character. For instance, the Hebrew word tsela (typi­cally translated as “rib” in Genesis 2:21–22) often means one side of a sacred architectural structure such as the temple. ⁵ This seems to imply that male and female bodies are purposefully designed not only to fit together but also to hint at something greater, just as historic temples and cathedrals were created to reference God through their design (e.g., in the shape of a cross).

Furthermore, we all have specific attributes connected to our anatomy and physiology, such as nurture and strength, that reference God’s nature. It seems that “something about us reveals something about our Creator.” ⁶ A woman’s ability to grow an infant inside her womb powerfully displays nurture, which is one component of God’s character. I don’t believe that only women can nurture nor am I insinuating that God is a giant womb, but we can’t dismiss scriptures such as Isaiah 42:14, where God says, “Like a woman in labor, I will cry and groan and pant”; Matthew 23:37, where Jesus refers to Himself as “a hen gather[ing] her chicks under her wings” (NIV); or the verses in the gospel of John that refer to the Holy Spirit as the Comforter (John 14:16, 26; 15:26; 16:7 KJV). Clearly, the triune God—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—nurtures, or tenderly cares for, His people.

Along with nurture, strength is unequivocally one of God’s character traits: “Ascribe to the LORD, O heavenly beings, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength” (Ps. 29:1 NRSV). Just as a womb is not a prerequisite for nurturing, a Y chromosome is not a prerequisite for exhibiting strength. Nurture and strength—as well as many other attributes—are part of God’s nature. “[God] can be recognized in the strong characteristics of both male and female image-bearers, because he transcends the categories we understand.” ⁷ Therefore, when we nurture others, exhibit strength, or walk in any other godly attributes, we reference God.

God always creates with intentionality. He could have made us asexual—capable of reproducing by budding or division, as happens with many plants and some invertebrates—but He chose not to. Our by-design differentness allows us to procreate in a wildly pleasurable fashion while we simultaneously complement and fulfill one another. Perhaps this is why when Adam first saw Eve, he joyfully declared, “At last! … This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh!” (Gen. 2:23). He was essentially saying, Now I have someone who is like me but not me. And when I am with her, I am more completely myself.

How Has the Gift Become a Curse?

If this otherness is both intentional and deeply meaningful, why does it cause so much trouble? At least in part, the trouble started in the Garden of Eden when our ancestors assumed they knew better than God.

Between the creation and the fall, Adam and Eve lived in complete harmony. There was no nagging, exasperated sighing, eye rolling, or dismissive reactivity that so many of us have come to expect when we engage with the other gender. We can assume their perfect relationship with God the Father empowered them to love and respect each other all day, every day. Enviable, isn’t it?

But when the Enemy sidled up to the two of them and intimated that perhaps God was not trustworthy (Gen. 3:1–6), their harmony turned to discord. After they disobeyed, they no longer stood side by side as a unified front. Instead, fear and shame compelled them to cower, hide from God, and turn against each other. God then described how their rebellion would play out, not just in their lifetime but in all generations to come:

Then he said to the woman,

“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,

and in pain you will give birth.

And you will desire to control your husband

but he will rule over you.”

And to the man he said,

“Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree

whose fruit I commanded you not to eat,

the ground is cursed because of you.

All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it.” (Gen. 3:16–17)

Since then, our relational and vocational callings have been affected by sin’s legacy. Rather than living and laboring as equals who are subordinate only to God, we often create gender hierarchies that culminate in idolatrous relationships. ⁸ Instead of appreciating and honoring our intentional differences, we tend to disrespect and devalue each other. Furthermore, sin somehow uniquely targets each gender. Many men have to fight against the impulse to dominate and exploit. If they succumb to that broken inclination, they corrupt their relationships with one another, with women, and with the earth. Women have to fight against the impulse to judge men as incompetent and untrustworthy. If we give in, we end up trying to control men rather than trust and respect them.

We don’t need the latest issue of People magazine to see how sin distorts male-female relationships—it’s evident in Scripture: Abraham slept with his slave Hagar; King David abused his power and took advantage of Bathsheba; Gomer was unfaithful to Hosea; and Delilah manipulated and betrayed Samson.

Though my hard-heartedness has never been quite as dramatic as these Old Testament examples, there have been seasons when I have failed to appreciate Christopher’s otherness. Years ago, we brought home bedbugs after a brief hotel stay. The moment we discovered this nightmare, I was near hysterics. Christopher remained calm and began analyzing the top bedbug-sniffing beagles in the region. I didn’t want Greco analytics; I wanted a hug and reassurance that my feelings were valid despite the mucus cascading from my nostrils. Apparently, in certain situations, Christopher and I totally conform to gender stereotypes.

Pastor Timothy Keller succinctly describes the inherent tension of otherness:

Inside a real marriage there will be conflicts rooted in gender differences that are seismic. It is not simply that the other gender is different; it’s that his or her differences make no sense. And once we come up against this wall of incomprehensibility, the sin in our heart tends to respond by assigning moral significance to what is simply a deep temperamental difference. ⁹

Our differentness creates tension and conflict because, quite honestly, we want the other not to be so other—we prefer that they be more like us. If we want to truly love and honor our spouses, we must learn to accept and celebrate their otherness. By simply bookmarking it with bland indifference, we potentially disrespect our creator God and our spouses. Furthermore, we also miss out on the many ways God intends to reveal Himself and bless us through those who are different. Before we can experience the blessing of otherness, we may need to discern the origin of our gender expectations.

Where Do Our Expectations Come From?

At least four sources influence our expectations regarding gender and gender roles: family, culture, subculture (church community, ethnic community, and so on), and Scripture. I want to briefly explore the role of family and the culture at large in this process.

First, family. From age two through adulthood, we’re constantly forming and revising expectations regarding gender identity and gender roles. As children and young adolescents, we watch and mimic, slowly figuring out who we want to be. During our second main period of individuation (the terrible twos being the first and the terrible teens being the second), we begin to establish our own beliefs and behavioral patterns largely influenced by what we witnessed during the first ten to twelve years of our lives.

Christopher and I have families that were equal parts the same and different. My father was a man of few words but many deeds. He could fix anything. His workbench looked like a Craftsman catalog, including every possible size hammer, screwdriver, and wrench. Though Christopher’s father has some aptitude for repairs, he never liked doing them, and most endeavors were punctuated by exasperated swearing, always in Italian. Once, after Christopher helped his father put up paneling in the basement, his dad asked him what he’d learned. Christopher wryly responded, “I learned that when I grow up, I’m going to hire people to do this” (or, as Providence would have it, rely upon said father-in-law). It’s impossible to dismiss how these formative experiences with an angry father shaped his aversion to home repairs.

My sisters and I learned how to use the washing machine at an early age and were expected to take care of our own clothes. Because Christopher’s mother enjoyed doing the laundry and was slightly territorial about this task, he didn’t wash his clothes until he went away to college. Though laundry duty was not commingled with an angry parent, my enthusiasm for this task mirrors Christopher’s feelings about doing home repairs.

When we got married, we were both guilty of magical thinking. I assumed Christopher would gradually become interested in fixing things and we’d never have to hire a repairperson. He assumed I would wash and iron his dress shirts and then place them on evenly spaced, wooden hangers. I can assure you, I have plumbers, electricians, and carpenters on speed dial, and if Christopher wants his clothes ironed, he’s on his own. It’s now humorous to me that neither of us understood how deeply our parents’ strengths and weaknesses influenced our expectations of each other. But they did. (And humorous is not the word that we would use to describe our early conflicts over these issues.)

Culture shapes our expectations almost as profoundly as our families. Men and women in every culture across the globe internalize and conform to certain gender norms. Here in the United States, men are expected to amass power, exhibit strength, withhold emotion (except excitement at sporting events), enjoy using power tools, and idolize their careers. Women are supposed to supernaturally sequester all fat cells in our mammary glands, look perpetually thirty-two, control our emotions just enough so that men won’t feel uncomfortable, love to shop, and idolize relationships. Some expectations seem to be universal, but not all are. In many Latin countries, emotionally distant men would be anomalies. In some African and Pacific Island nations, thin women are seen as unhealthy and less desirable as mates.

What Happens When We Fail to Live Up to Our Spouses’ Expectations?

On a practical level, cultural expectations often result in a herd mentality that encourages conformity over individuation. Ever been at a social gathering where the women congregate in the kitchen prepping the food while the men talk about sports in a different room? Although such a reductionist tableau might be less common today than twenty years ago, it still happens. Gender roles help cultures function in a predictable, orderly fashion and for the most part are not inherently bad.

However, if our temperaments and natural abilities do not fall neatly into the prescribed cultural norms and if the gender hierarchies and roles are not firmly based in kingdom theology, they may constrain and diminish us. Though we might not be able to articulate what’s happening, we may feel confused, angry, underappreciated, or even ashamed. If we don’t want to deal with these raw emotions, we find it simpler to comply with what’s expected. Would a man who preferred cooking to watching sports feel comfortable joining the women in the kitchen at the aforementioned gathering, or would he remain with the men and pretend to care who won the British Open that afternoon? Christopher chimes in, “The latter. Totally.”

Most of us can handle temporarily conforming at a dinner party, but what happens over the long haul when our strengths and gifts are not valued by our spouses? What happens to our self-esteem and confidence when we perpetually fail to meet our spouses’ expectations? It’s the opposite of heaven coming down to earth. There’s strife, self-hatred, shame, misogyny (hatred of women and of the feminine), and misandry (hatred of men and of the masculine).

Part of the reason Christopher does not enjoy home repairs is that he measures himself against the typical American male and finds himself lacking. In our culture, men are supposed to relish the challenge of fixing things. Because Christopher feels competent when he writes a worship song and incompetent when he tries to install a new appliance, he’ll opt for the keyboard rather than the wrench if given the choice. Of course, it’s not always possible to avoid our shame triggers.

Throughout his adult life, Christopher has experienced what he has come to know as shame attacks. He explains,

Regardless of the trigger—an interpersonal slight, an unexpected professional disappointment, or a broken sliding door I don’t know how to fix—I feel energy go out of my body, and my head starts spinning with negative thoughts and worst-case scenarios. These shame attacks happen like the flip of a switch, and early on in our marriage, no amount of encouragement from Dorothy seemed able to stop me. I couldn’t predict when the attack would strike or, unfortunately, how quickly I would be able to realize that it was happening, push back against it, and prevail. I now recognize that my shame is deeply rooted in a childish conviction that I am relegated to be a lower species than other men who are more overtly masculine. These feelings of victimization are irrational, and when I’m clearheaded, I know that these beliefs are false and sown by the Enemy.

Shame is one of the most pernicious consequences of unhealthy and ungodly gender expectations. Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experi­ence of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” ¹⁰ It affects men and women equally. For instance, women are supposed to enjoy talking on the phone. I love talking face-to-face but dislike talking on the phone. All my friends and family members know that if they call me, they will have to suffer through awkward pauses. Because I depart from this and other gender norms, I have to constantly resist the destructive forces of shame.

Shame not only turns inward but also tends to morph into anger or hatred and spills onto others. Misogyny and misandry are outward expressions of the enmity that has existed between men and women since the fall. Misogyny and misandry find expression in micro-aggressions, such as subtle comments about how emotionally incompetent men are, as well as macro-aggressions, such as domestic abuse or rape. The initial conflict in humanity was between the genders. Eve acted independently and did not consult Adam. Adam blamed Eve rather than accept responsibility. This pattern influences the relational DNA for all of us.

The impact of misogyny and misandry infiltrates our thinking and subsequently our actions. When we create biased conclusions about what our spouses can or can’t, should or shouldn’t do, we unfairly diminish them. If the wife is gifted in accounting and money management, the household will be well served if she does the family budget and pays the bills. If the husband is more adept with a chef’s knife than a putty knife, the entire family will miss out if he is banished to the basement workbench.

Biology is often a determining factor for the gender roles and expectations we carry. A woman alone has the capacity to nurture life within her body and then provide physical sustenance after the baby is born. But if a mother has a career she loves and the father is eager to care for their young children, is there evidence that such a role reversal violates Scripture? Or does it simply deviate from our deeply embedded gender norms and make us feel uncomfortable? According to Timothy Keller, “Rigid cultural gender roles have no Biblical warrant. Christians cannot make a scriptural case for masculine and feminine stereotypes.” ¹¹

Again, I am by no means advocating gender neutrality or minimizing the beauty of motherhood. Just as with race, if we ignore our differences, we miss the gift of otherness. Instead, I am advocating that we explore any ambivalence with our God-given gifts and wrestle with the possibility that we are imposing extrabiblical, culturally bound expectations upon each other. We can discern this by paying attention to areas of conflict, routine disappointment, and unshakable shame; comparing our thoughts, expectations, and behaviors to Scripture (specifically how Jesus treated women and men); and prayerfully processing with our spouses. If we determine that we are holding on to unrealistic expectations for each other, we then have to begin the process of repenting and recalibrating.

Becoming Our True Gendered Selves in the Context of Marriage

We rarely turn to the book of Ruth for direction and insight on gender issues. Christianity’s reading of this Old Testament account often reduces it to a traditional “man rescues damsel in distress” romance, but it’s so much more. Ruth and Boaz refused to follow the cultural script for the gender norms of the day so that they could instead fulfill God’s calling.

Within the first five verses, we learn that Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law, had lost her husband and her two sons, one of whom was Ruth’s husband. Once Naomi discovered that the famine in her homeland had lifted, she planned to return home and leave her two daughters-in-law in Moab. If Ruth had obeyed the rules of that time, she would have remained in Moab and remarried. Instead, she followed God’s leading and returned to Bethlehem with Naomi. Not long after their arrival, Ruth again disregarded the limiting norms and approached Boaz’s foreman, pleading for permission “to go where gleaners were not permitted, to work among the harvesters where plenty of newly cut grain lay waiting to be gathered into bundles.” ¹² Then, she pushed the boundaries to their limit by uncovering Boaz’s feet as he slept, essentially proposing marriage to him. ¹³

Because of her refusal to follow the script given to women in ancient culture, she saved her mother-in-law’s life and became a root in Jesus’s family tree (see Matt. 1:5). Similarly, Boaz also refused to be constrained by cultural definitions of manhood by investing his power “on behalf of those who have no power or voice in the community,” ¹⁴ risking his estate in the process.

And then there’s Jesus. A close reading of Scripture communi­cates that the Messiah apparently never got the memo stating the rules and regulations about being a male leader. He did not take advantage of women but instead treated them with esteem and honor. When Mary poured nard on his feet (Luke 7:36–38), He defended her and her lavish display of love. As the disciples’ king, He transcended hierarchal boundaries by washing their feet (John 13:1–17).

Yet Jesus was by no means solely a tender, gentle servant. He overturned the tables in the temple (Matt. 21:12), rebuked the leaders of His day, and endured a horrific death on the cross. Jesus clearly exhibited what we would consider to be masculine and feminine attributes and in so doing became “the prototype for what it means to be human.” ¹⁵

What implications does this have for our marriages? By pursuing Jesus rather than any distorted cultural standards, we can stop expending so much energy trying to fit in and instead respond to God’s unique call. By adopting this framework, Christopher is free to stay home and pop in a DVD of a favorite Broadway play rather than watch the Super Bowl while downing beer with the guys. I can stop pretending I like shopping, a reality he increasingly appreciates.

This exploration of roles and expectations should not serve as an excuse to avoid certain tasks, particularly onerous ones. None of us need a revelation from God to take out the garbage, unclog toilets, or wash windows. Hopefully, we learn to consistently submit any areas where we lack gifting or desire and remain willing to grow, if not for our own sakes at least out of love for our spouses. (Just recently, Christopher did get down on his hands and knees to help me reinstall that same dishwasher after we had to temporarily disconnect it.)

Jon and Amy’s Story

Jon and Amy are twentysomething professionals who have been married for seven years. They have thoughtfully discerned their gifts and aim to live authentically, even when their strengths don’t line up with some of the typical Christian gender norms. I started by asking them about how they had individuated from some of the stereotypical gender roles.

Jon: I’ve never wanted a woman who would take care of me—I’ve wanted a partner who had her own identity. My mom was a homemaker when I was growing up. When my siblings and I left, this gaping hole appeared. There was lots of pressure on my dad to provide for our family since she didn’t work. All of this contributed to my feeling that when I get married, I don’t want to have to earn all our money and I don’t want my wife to feel that she is defined solely by raising children.

Amy: Jon’s perspective lifts a burden off me because many women who have careers still carry the responsibilities of the home too. Jon and I share everything equally. I love my home. I made the curtains. I throw a killer dinner party. I shouldn’t be relegated to being a hard-nosed professional woman when I equally love my work and my home.

That’s not to say that our choices have always been understood. We are in no rush to have children, and I would say this is where we experience the most conflict. I definitely feel lonely because I’m not traveling the same road as most other Christian women.

Jon: Because we’ve decided to wait to start a family, we get the occasional “When are you going to have kids?” line of questioning. No one has been cruel about it, but there is an expectation of a more traditional-looking route.

Another bump has been Amy’s expectations. She wants a sensitive, gentle, caring man who is also traditionally driven and masculine. If I fall short of that list of requirements, which I do, then she’s disappointed, which I don’t like. Because my focus and drive to a career goal might be subtler or less driven than your average professional man, I’ve felt judgment from Amy. Of course the irony is that my temperament and career drive allow me to be more supportive and flexible, something that your average driven male executive would not be able or willing to pull off.

Amy: That’s totally true. I want a powerful CEO husband, but I also want someone to clap for me and be my biggest fan. Double standard, right?

After assuring her that most of us are guilty of holding double standards, I asked them to describe the benefits of their unique choices.

Jon: It’s been such a blessing to have a wife who is her own person. Because of our approach of being partners and doing life together as equals, we are able to do and accomplish a lot more. For instance, buying this house would not have happened if it were just the Jon show. We’ve had many conversations about the fact that I don’t want to be the sole person responsible for what happens spiritually in the home. If she feels that we need to be praying more, I don’t want her to assume I can read her mind; I want her not only to say it but also to drive it.

Amy: Another example would be the choice to get my MBA rather than making the default choice to immediately start having kids. Jon is so gung ho about this. He loves how happy and empowered it makes me. He’s never threatened by me, not even by my making more money than he does. This is not typical. When I went back to school and kept working full-time, Jon took over all of the chores that I used to do. I feel no guilt. His choice to be so supportive and sacrificial has empowered me and given me hope rather than making me feel cursed because I have a dual passion for home and profession. This is perhaps the very reason that I married Jon.

As I’ve watched Jon and Amy during the course of their marriage, it’s impossible not to notice their camaraderie and respect for each other. There’s also an unmistakable ease, in part because they’ve learned how to accept their strengths as good gifts. I wish Christopher and I had figured this out earlier in our marriage. We clung to our expectations far too long, causing unnecessary strife.

I no longer want to judge, moralize, or see Christopher as a home-improvement project. I want to fully love and respect him. In order to achieve this goal, I must continually let go of my unbiblical expectations and bless the unique ways he reveals the image of God as he is rather than try to make him conform to my vision of who I think he should be. This process has been more difficult and humbling than I ever imagined, but I now have a deeper appreciation of his—and God’s—profound otherness.

Going Deeper

1. Are there any areas where you feel as if you don’t measure up to traditional gender norms? How has that shaped you? What areas of nontraditional gifts have been perceived as deficits or welcomed as assets in your marriage?

2. Do you feel permission to grow in or explore a role, chore, or job traditionally associated with the opposite gender? If not, why?

3. Do you reject or welcome your spouse’s otherness? Write down five traits you admire, and be intentional about telling him or her this week. Make this a regular practice in your marriage. If you chafe at his or her otherness, write down the top three bothersome traits and ask God to give you more grace and help you to see His intentions in this otherness.

4. Prayerfully ask God if it would be helpful for you to apologize and repent for any areas where you have judged your spouse simply because of his or her confounding otherness. Rather than being a fault-finder, see if you can become a blessing-finder.