Chapter 36

A Man Named Mark

These days, I worry most of all about the oldest boy.

But things are getting better.

The summer has started, and Mark comes over many times a week. He told Mom he’d be happy to sell what he had and move in here with us, but Mom told him they needed to take things slow. So he agreed. But I can tell he enjoys being here and always seems sorry to have to leave for his own apartment.

To me, it is as if he has been here all along. His scent is so familiar to me, his touch so soothing, I cannot imagine life without him.

Mom seems happier. More relaxed. She pays attention to little things. She takes flowers when Mark brings them and smells them carefully, touching the petals gently. She allows Mark to throw his sweatshirt on the couch, and lets him get away with cursing. She doesn’t always rush to clear the dishes. I think she has decided that sometimes in life things are not always under our control, and maybe that’s okay.

Dad seems better too, when he visits. He says a polite hello to Mark. He is awake and aware. There is more color in his face, and he looks around him sometimes as if he is seeing the world for the first time. I can tell he still misses Mom, from the way he gazes at her. But when she looks at him, he is able to look back with bright eyes and nod.

Mom wakes up early for work and Kevin and Victoria must get up too for their summer jobs, but when Mark stays over, he rises even earlier, before sunrise. He never went back to being a lawyer, as far as I can tell. He comes over in the afternoon smelling like food and spices, cheese and pepper and cinnamon and lemon.

Often he makes breakfast for everyone before he goes. He’ll prepare some ingredients the night before, and then he is very quick about it as he pours muffin batter into a pan, and slides it into the oven to cook while he takes a brief shower.

The first time Kevin and Victoria came downstairs and saw muffins still warm and sitting on the counter, they were amazed. They did not believe the food could be for them, so they did not touch it. Later in the day, Mark just laughed and said, Who did you think it was for? Ever since, Kevin and Victoria have eaten what Mark leaves out ravenously and gratefully, grabbing their food in a napkin and hustling out the door.

Victoria whines and moans in the morning if Mark is not here to cook for her. She now feels entitled to her fresh breakfast. I have to scoff. It was not long ago that she was lucky to have time to grab an apple in the morning.

Sometimes Charlie comes home on the bus after school to hang out with Victoria, and Aidan gives him a ride to Dad’s apartment on his way home at dinnertime. Charlie and Aidan get along much better than they used to. I think they recognize something in each other. They are both careful around other people. Neither one trusts people easily. But they have come to trust each other.

Kevin and Aidan seem to have reached some sort of understanding. I cannot say they are friends, but neither are they enemies who harbor resentments. No one is afraid to be here.

Now that the weather is nice, Aidan and Victoria lie on the lounge chairs out on the deck, so they don’t bother Kevin very much. They are happy.

Mark keeps an eye on the teenagers for Mom when she is busy and distracted. He tells them to “knock it off” when they start bickering, and they listen. Usually. As I’ve said, Mark is comfortable with people and it’s hard not to warm up to him eventually. Even Kevin talks to him once in a while. It turns out Mark knows a lot about colleges and writing “essays”—what-ever those are—and Kevin starts to listen to his advice.

Kevin is the oldest boy, and a good boy. I can see he is sorry he hurt Charlie. He talks to Charlie cautiously when they are together. He keeps a respectful distance. He does not give Charlie orders or make mean comments. Rather, he asks how Dad is doing, and Charlie gives him frank and honest replies.

Perhaps the two brothers will never be best friends.

Or maybe, over time, they will grow close. They have been through a lot together. You never know.

As the days have passed by, the strangest thing has happened. Mark has become my new favorite human.

Charlie is no longer here all the time. I love when he comes to visit. But the rest of the time I miss him, to the point of grieving. I get sad and lonely. But at the same time, I’m a cat. I gravitate to the one who feeds me, who cuddles and sleeps with me, who understands my needs. Don’t we all?

I find that with Gretel and Charlie gone most of the time, the dynamic in the house has changed. I think things have evened out, thanks to Mark’s calm energy. I sprawl out on the kitchen tile and keep him company while he bakes. And when he’s done, he picks me up with two hands and carries me over to the rocking chair.

We sit, and rock, and rest. When he flips me upside down to coo and call me his baby, I purr. He looks into my eyes to make sure I’m comfortable, or pulls me closer so he can kiss my head.

Other times, he closes his eyes and I watch his lips move as he talks silently. I don’t know if he is talking to himself, or to me, or to someone else. No matter. I rub my head against his chest, and we are content.

Sometimes—not often, but once in a while—Mark gets upset. Even when we are just sitting and rocking. I can tell he’s remembering something painful. His face falls, and his eyes water as he gazes at me. But the moment passes. It always passes. And life goes on.

When I get warm and sleepy, my eyes naturally begin to close. Mark takes in a deep breath, and I feel his whole body relax. But I know he will not fall asleep. He will hold me securely until he or I are ready to get up.

We all have an instinct to care for others, not just ourselves. We need to touch and hold and nurture and protect those we love.

Sometimes the one who receives our love is a very good baby who does not live very long. Sometimes, it is a strange man who shows up to build a bookshelf. And sometimes, it is an absolutely gorgeous cat with a funny limp who fits right into the crook of your arm.

I don’t know if Mark and Mom will stay together as mates for a long time. I would like to imagine they will, but I realize that I will not live long enough to really find out.

Maybe someday Mark will have a new baby of his own. Maybe not.

Someday, I will pass away too. And then Mark will have another loss to deal with. But for now, for today, I am here. I am warm. And I am just the right size for cradling. Mark offers love, and I accept it unconditionally.

I am not a bad stand-in for the baby he lost. I may, in fact, be perfect for now.