February, 2007
Nadine’s concentration was broken by the vibration of her mobile phone. She pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at the caller ID: Stella.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hi, where are you?” was Stella’s reply.
“I’m in the library.”
“Are you coming back soon?”
“Stella, I still have a lot to do. Trusts Law seminar first thing Monday morning, Property Law test at noon, Family Law test right after that, and I’ve got a Volunteering Exec meeting that I’m not ready for because I’m yet to complete my Rape Crisis Centre report from last night.”
“Wow, that’s a lot. When you left early this morning, I thought you were going to the library to get all that out of the way because you knew Raymond was coming later?”
“What are you talking about? I left early, because I wanted to go to a Christian Union meeting.”
“Right, church. Today is Saturday.”
“Yeah, I … it’s a meeting, not like a proper church service.”
“OK. Anyway Raymond is here. Do you want me to tell him you’ll be back soon?”
“What?! He didn’t tell me he was coming. He knows how much I hate surprises.”
“Yeah, funny that. He said he tried to reach you on the phone but he couldn’t.”
So he just got on a train or drove here?
“Nadine?”
“What?”
“What do you want me to tell him?” Stella prompted.
“I don’t … Stella, this workload isn’t about to disappear, unless I actually do something about it.”
“So, you want me to tell him to leave … because him being here will distract you?” Stella inquired.
“I didn’t … do you know what? I can’t handle this right now.”
“Nadine, what is the matter with you?”
“You giving me that attitude is what the matter is with me.”
“I’m giving you attitude?” repeated Stella.
“Yeah. I’ve told you that I’m busy and you’re going on at me. I don’t appreciate your tone of voice.”
“Nadine, all I did was tell you that your boyfriend came to visit. I mean, he is still your boyfriend, isn’t he?”
Nadine said nothing.
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to sort it.”
“Stella …”
“No, seriously, Nadine. I wasn’t going to say anything, but …”
Nadine snorted. “That’d be a first.”
Stella ignored the insult and continued. “I know you’re busy, but then that’s not new. It’s never been a good enough excuse for you to treat your boyfriend like crap.”
“I am not treating anyone like crap.”
“No? What do you call not taking a guy’s calls, not replying his messages, ignoring him when it suits you and generally keeping him in limbo?” Stella challenged.
“Stop being so dramatic, OK? In case you hadn’t noticed, I have a lot to deal with. It’s final year …”
“He made time for you when he was in his final year. Oh, and he didn’t fail.”
“Some people are just luckier then,” Nadine retorted.
“Now, who’s being dramatic?”
Nadine sighed.
“Look, I know the situation with your dad made you …”
“Stella, don’t go there,” Nadine warned.
“I don’t mean to offend.”
“Simple solution. Stop talking.”
“No, I can’t. I know that when people go through an unexpected event …”
“Unexpected event. My father nearly died.”
“And I’m not making light of it. So, please don’t use that as an excuse to pick a fight. When people go through traumatic stuff, they get involved in different things … to help them cope. In your case, you seem to have turned to religion and I guess it’s been a buffer for you. But your obsession …”
“Obsession!”
“Well, your pre-occupation. Or are you searching?”
“I’m not pre-occupied or obsessed or whatever. I’m born-again. What is it about that that you can’t accept?”
Stella sighed. “Like I said before, I’m not going to fight with you over this.”
“Good,” Nadine replied. She exhaled before she continued, “I’m not making any promises, but I will try to be home in a couple of hours. My work isn’t going to do itself.”
“OK. I’ll tell Ray. See you later.”
When Stella ended the call, Nadine looked at the pile of books on the table and wondered how she would get through them in a couple of hours. She felt sorry for Raymond, who had made a trip down from London, but she did have work to do. Although … truth be told, it wasn’t just about the books. Since she became a born-again Christian nearly three months ago, her relationship with Raymond had left her feeling conflicted. It wasn’t that he was a bad person, and he did identify as a Christian … purely because he didn’t identify as atheist, agnostic, pagan or Muslim. Or anything else for that matter. And he did believe that Jesus was the son of God. Yes, he did go to church sometimes, like she used to but he wasn’t ready to make it a regular thing. Most crucially, he didn’t have the kind of personal relationship she had with God. And he didn’t seem interested in making that kind of commitment. He didn’t even seem to understand what she was talking about, when she tried to discuss it, either.
She, on the other hand, really wanted to know more about God. So, she went to as many Christian meetings as she could. She went to Christian Union meetings, had gone to Christian Connexions, and had attended one Catholic Society meeting, since university resumed in January. She had also tried a couple of churches off-campus. It wasn’t a buffer of any sort. And it certainly wasn’t an obsession, not the way that Stella had to make out that it was. For her, it wasn’t about religion per se – she wanted to develop her personal relationship with God. Needed to. She was reading the Bible more frequently – every morning, and most evenings when she remembered and wasn’t too tired – with the aid of a Daily Devotional given to her by a member of one of the churches she visited in Bristol. Some days were easier than others – sometimes, she felt like she was starting to get the hang of the Christian lifestyle; it made her feel like she could do anything, fly even. Other times were a bit of a struggle – she’d feel like she didn’t understand a word of what was being said at some Christian meetings, and she hated feeling like her relationships with those she cared about, were declining. She and Stella had only gone out once since university resumed this year. She always put it down to busyness; but as she and Stella, who was also a final year student, lived in the same house, the latter could see that her friend had undergone a transformation. It was subtle and slow, but it was evident. Yes, she looked and dressed the same, but she sounded different.
At first, Stella thought she was over-stretching herself in the run-up to her final examinations, but she soon dismissed that thought. Then, she wondered if Nadine was anxious about her father’s health. But her father was fine and was almost back to normal. OK, so he was working shorter hours, but then he wasn’t exactly in the first flush of youth and he had needed to slow down for a long time; heart attack or no. He wasn’t in any danger at all, medically speaking. But what really confused Stella the most, was the gradual disintegration of the relationship between Nadine and Raymond. She wasn’t alone.
Nadine was unsure how to explain to Raymond how and why their relationship had changed. Yes, she was now born-again, but why did that actually have to make a difference? She didn’t even know how to explain that to herself. How then could she explain it to someone else? She still loved Raymond, and she knew he loved her … in fact, he seemed to love her more now, than he had before. And this was problematic because in her mind, a man who loved her more than he loved God, couldn’t really be trusted. No, he didn’t hate God. He just … didn’t have a relationship with Him. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Raymond, but what else could she do? The last time she went to church, she had heard how that being unequally yoked with unbelievers was offensive to God. Nadine was confused. This was a guy that she had known and loved, since her first year at university. So, she tried praying … especially for him, but so far, had not seen any evidence of the answers she wanted. If only Raymond would make a commitment to God and become born-again, life would be so much easier. It wasn’t like her prayers were entirely selfish. It would serve God’s purposes better, if Raymond became a born-again Christian, surely? Didn’t the reverend at the memorial back home, say that God craved a personal relationship with everyone? And the pastor of the Pentecostal church she attended last week, practically said the same thing. He also said that God didn’t want anyone to go to hell. And God could use anyone to reach out to another person, right? So, why wasn’t God answering her prayers? Why couldn’t He make Raymond become born-again?
Then, there was the sex issue. She had been told that pre-marital sex … fornication … sex outside of marriage was a sin. She also read in the Bible that it was especially grievous to God. This just confused the heck out of her. She loved Raymond and was attracted to him. Very much so. She couldn’t even lie about that, if she tried. He made her so crazy that sometimes she just wanted to stay in bed with him, all day. That was how they used to spend some of their Saturdays when he was a student at Bristol. Those were the Saturdays she especially loved and looked forward to – wake up beside each other because they would have gone out the previous night and returned so late that she wouldn’t have wanted him to leave. Sex was usually the most pressing item on the agenda for the day. Food, showering, watching television and having bathroom breaks were on the to-do list too … but sex took precedence. Sometimes, they would drag themselves into town for a very late lunch or dinner. In fact, thinking about it now, gave her rather vivid memories. And she was supposed to give that up?
How could the act of expressing love be offensive to a God who was fêtéd as a God of love? Because there had been no exchange of wedding vows and rings? That didn’t sound fair. It was harsh. But it was God’s Word – or so, the pastor of Living Faith Church in Bristol, told her when she asked him directly. Of course, she had made up an imaginary friend struggling with the problem; she couldn’t possibly tell the pastor that it was she in the situation. OK, so technically she lied, and that was a sin. But she asked God for forgiveness, later. And to be honest, she had committed worse sins than lie to a man of the cloth. Like the pre-marital sex. Which she wasn’t strong enough to give up yet.
This journey … this Christian race was a step-by-step thing, and people matured and developed at different speeds. She had only gone clubbing once since uni resumed this year, and that was for someone’s birthday party. She read her Bible and prayed everyday. She told people about the love of God – in church, they called it evangelism. These were major things, and she was well out of her comfort zone when she did them. She wasn’t strong enough to give up a lot more. Or was she?
Nadine had been told that she knew how to find the strength to do something, once she had made up her mind. She knew it was true – that was how she managed to do well in Oxford, survive studying in France, do extra-curricular activities, and sit on various committees whilst she was in her final year … among other things. This however, she didn’t think she could do. Because she honestly didn’t want to. It wasn’t fair of God to expect otherwise.
Nadine sighed. All that thinking had made her too tired to concentrate on studying. Her stomach growled. It had also escalated her hunger. Not just for food. Truth was, reminiscing had made her hot and bothered. And succeeded in giving her an itch that even ofe onugbu couldn’t solve, tonight. Fortunately, there was a man at her shared house, who hopefully, would know what to do. So unfair and unreasonable for anyone … even God to expect otherwise.