Nadine sat in a quiet corner of the café that had become a home away from home, trying desperately to do some work on her laptop. The meeting she had just had with her pastor, kept coming back to her in little snatches. Tears rolled down her cheeks now, but in the secluded space she sat, no-one saw her … and a part of her frankly did not care if she was seen. She just wanted some breathing space … if peace was too much to ask for. And that was why she had been to see Pastor Ezike, earlier today. She had been that desperate … desperate enough to admit that her marriage of barely a year, was failing.
But sitting in the café after that meeting and staring blankly at the screen of her laptop, Nadine felt like she had learned a number of new things, as bits and pieces of the stern lecture her disappointed pastor had given her, chased themselves around in her befuddled brain.
One was that, anyone who heard of the occurrences in her marriage would blame her … because she had not been a good wife. Pastor Ezike told her as much … complete with the relevant quotes and passages from the Bible. She was the reason for Tony’s behaviour, which she only termed ‘despicable’ in a bid to deflect attention from herself and the fact that she had failed in her marriage. To begin with, she had brought her work into her home … and had pitched it against her husband, who should be her first priority. Following that, she had tried to justify denying her husband herself … even though she had virtually promised her body to him when they exchanged their vows. So, what if they had different ideas of what intimacy was supposed to be? Tony was the head of their home and she had refused to submit to him … and she was complaining about the obvious repercussions?
Another thing she had been made aware of was that God, to whom she had dedicated her life and service, was silent in her time of peril … even though He had promised to always be there for her and help her. And why not? What else did she expect? In breaking the promise she had made in His presence and that of His people to submit to Tony when she got married to him, she had disobeyed God … and brought His wrath upon herself. This was the reason for the systematic breakdown of her marriage … and her recent discovery that Tony had an acquired taste for pornography. She had not had the audacity to mention the pornographic sites her husband seemed to be fascinated by lately, and the indescribable shame which had engulfed her when she had walked in on him … because doing so would have confirmed what Pastor Ezike had made known to her in no uncertain terms.
The violence which he exhibited, all too frequently now, was just a direct result of God’s wrath … which she had brought on herself.
“Would you like anything else, ma’am?” a waitress who seemingly appeared from nowhere asked her, jolting her back to the present. She nodded listlessly.
Nadine ordered another hot chocolate and returned to her thoughts. If the girl, whose name-tag said her name was ‘Mona’, were not in the course of her job, Nadine was sure that she wouldn’t even be bothered with her. And why would she? She was a bad wife: she brought work home even though it was supposed to be a haven for her husband, argued with him, denied him herself … and had the gall to complain when she reaped the unavoidable fruit of her unconscionable behaviour. It was no wonder Tony despised her, and she certainly did not love herself very much right now. And even if her pastor had not made any explicit statements to that effect, she knew that Pastor Ezike was disappointed in her, as her parents would be if they knew … they had raised her in a happy home and were still very happy together; her mother made her father very happy. But she couldn’t manage to replicate that … because she was a failure – what other term could appropriately describe someone like her?
There was also something else she didn’t mention to Pastor Ezike. She had started to think of Raymond again. Not just generally. It wasn’t just reminiscing, either. It was active thinking. The only way she could cope with having Tony on top of her, was to think of Raymond. And how he used to satisfy her. Her fantasies were sparked by seeing a man who looked very much like her ex-boyfriend some weeks ago, in this very café. She had walked up to him, but realised her mistake when he turned to face her. She had thought of Raymond all day, that day. That night, trying to blank out what Tony was doing to her, she let her mind drift to a happy place – with Raymond. And she had climaxed. Which was a good thing, because Tony had taken to beating her, when she didn’t. He said that she was holding back, just because she liked to humiliate him. He also knew when she faked an orgasm and that just made things worse. He said she needed a psychiatrist – what kind of woman wanted to hurt her husband the way she seemed to derive pleasure from doing? If thinking of Raymond would prevent more beatings, then she would do it. She could at least get something out of it. She had to make sure she didn’t get too carried away though, as she had one day, caught herself on the verge of crying out the wrong name. She shuddered to think of what the consequences would have been. It was possible that she did need a psychiatrist – what kind of woman constantly and purposely brought another man into her marital bed? One who wanted to stay alive. One who was determined to make the best of a bad situation.