The term “Body Language” was coined by Julius Fast in the book that he wrote in the late 1960s. In the 1970s, the person with whom we most associated body language was the zoologist, Dr. Desmond Morris, whose books The Naked Ape and Manwatching are among his many best sellers. In this chapter, I'll take a brief look at body language and the way in which we use space.
The Englishman's home is his castle—and so is everyone else's. We all need a space of our own for our home and we need a space to call our own at work. If that space is invaded, we become uncomfortable and we can even react in a hostile manner. The amount of space we need for living is relative to a variety of circumstances. The hard-pressed Japanese are used to living with very little personal space either in their tiny houses, at work or on their public transport systems, whereas the Australian sheep farmer considers that a neighbor who lives ten miles away is encroaching on his territory.
The space that we require around our bodies varies, too. In cities like London, we accept that we are going to spend some part of the day standing in a queue, jostling up against others in a busy shop or packed like sardines in a commuter train. We cope with this by avoiding the gaze of those around us, standing as straight and still as possible and losing ourselves temporarily in our own thoughts. Two people chatting in a crowd achieve the same thing by tuning out everyone around them.
Some years ago, I spent time in South Africa, and while I was there, several local people drove me around. Every one of my South African drivers reacted angrily when another car followed them for any length of time, and I noticed that in each case my driver became stiff and uncomfortable in his or her seat, and then exploded with angry remarks directed at the following driver. To my ‘London-in-the-rush-hour’ mind, these cars were following at quite a respectful distance, but to my wide-open-space friends it was an inexcusable intrusion.
Human beings are very adept at sending out “leave me alone” signals in all kinds of public situations. I remember learning when I was a girl that if I sat in a cafe reading a book, I could become almost invisible, whereas if I allowed my eyes to roam around the room I was in danger of inviting unwelcome interest. However, this doesn't always work. I once had to wait for a colleague whom I had arranged to meet in a local pub, and after about 45 minutes, I realized he wasn't going to turn up. I looked up from my magazine and noticed someone watching me with too much interest. My intuition told me that it was time to leave; as I did so, I made sure that my movements were both casual and confident, gathering up my things in a businesslike manner and leaving smartly through the door to the car park. When I got back into my car, I locked the doors and left immediately.
What was it about the watcher that alarmed me? I can't put my finger on anything—there was just something in his body language that alerted me to potential danger. Our usual reaction to “space invaders” is to move away, thereby re-erecting the space barrier around us. Some aggressive people actually lash out when they feel invaded. Try fiddling with a totally non-aggressive woman's handbag and see what you get!
Animals living in groups have a pecking order. The usual arrangement is that the strong, mature males are at the top of the list, with the weaker males, the females, the elderly and the young following on, in order of precedence. Human beings have many kinds of pecking order and many ways of reinforcing the authority of the dominant person or group. Ritualized respect may be shown by bowing, backing out of a room or, in some cultures, total body abasement. We consider it impolite to sit down in the presence of royalty or VIPs, and it would be a dreadful breach of etiquette to touch a member of the Royal family.
It is important to be aware of which country or society one happens to be when traveling, as there are many examples of the same body language having different, even opposite meanings. In the UK, men will tend to stand back and allow their superiors through a door, or out of a lift, first. In Southern Africa, tribal custom is the reverse—the men would leave first—the idea being to get out of your way! Similarly, when entering your office for an interview, the tendency would be to sit down immediately, without being asked. This simply indicates deference by not standing above you.
When we spot someone that we fancy, how do we weigh up his or her potential availability? We unconsciously watch their body language. An attached couple will touch each other. The woman may perform a grooming action or advertise her ownership of her man by straightening his tie. He will cup her elbow as they walk into a room. Someone who isn't spoken for allows his or her eyes to roam around the room, and it will be easy to engage this person in conversation.
If a man notices a woman he fancies, he will give her a warm look with a hint of a smile. A woman will look at a guy and then turn away, but she will immediately begin to “groom” herself by touching her hair or brushing out imaginary creases in her dress. When a man tucks his thumbs into his waistband while at the same time allowing his fingers to point downward, he is giving an unconscious sexual signal. A woman who is sitting with her arms and legs crossed in a self protective manner and with her shoulders hunched is unlikely to be interested in a man's advances, while one who is sitting in a relaxed manner just may be.
If two people in a conversation begin to copy each other's movements, it's clear that they are interested in each other. Preening and grooming movements such as touching the hair are a kind of precursor to touching each other. As the evening wears on, the happy couple's heads come closer together. They breathe in each other's odors and begin tentatively to feel the textures of each other's clothing, maybe even their skin.
While I was writing this section of this book, my friend Carol called me. Carol used to be a police officer, so if anyone should know something about body language, she should! Here is her description of a nervous loiterer who's up to no good:
“He's looking around, especially behind him, all the time. He walks up the road and perhaps back down it again in an uneven rhythm, with fast paces followed by slow ones. He doesn't know what to do with his hands or whether to keep them in his pockets or not. Oh, and he looks furtive and shifty somehow.”
Such loitering behavior often expresses ill intent, or some impending threat. At the very least, it can be used to make someone feel uncomfortable and on the defensive.
When considering the intent of someone's behavior or body language, one point is worth considering: Different cultures behave in different ways. For instance, Britons tend to look at someone while listening and away when speaking, while West Indians do the reverse.
Shaking someone's hand has gone out of favor in our day-to-day encounters, although it still lives on in the business world. Business people tend to shake hands when they first become acquainted, while the French and other continentals shake hands with their friends of both sexes each time they meet. It's good to touch other people in this non-sexual and non-threatening way.
It used to be said that a businessperson could tell a lot about a person by the way he or she responded to a shake of the hand, and this seems to be born out by facts:
A strong, firm handshake belongs to someone who is comfortable within his own skin, and within the situation in which he or she is at the time. The hand is usually warm and pleasant to hold.
Someone who delivers a bone-breaking handshake either doesn't know his own strength or is a bully who is trying to impose his personality and desires on others.
A limp handshake, which makes you wonder if the person is actually alive, shows a lack of energy. The person might be ill, depressed or not a particularly strong personality. The hand is often rather cool and it might even feel a touch damp.
There is also the famous “election candidate” handshake, in which the political candidate shakes with his right hand and grips the person's arm with his left. This is supposed to convey real warmth and friendship and to make the other person feel special, or to convey gratitude to the person for supporting the candidate. I doubt whether a female candidate would give this kind of handshake, and I doubt whether a male candidate would give this kind of greeting to a woman. It seems to be an acceptable crossing of space boundaries between men, and that's it.
I recently read of a meeting between the then Senator Barack Obama and the then President George Bush. They chatted to some members of the public and shook many hands. When the session was over, President Bush took one of those little hand-sanitizers out of his pocket, squirted a little on his hands and then offered the bottle to Senator Obama, saying something like, “This will save you from picking up flu or other germs and taking them home to your family.” Senator Obama took a squirt and then had to think about the implications, political and otherwise of meeting, greeting, and sanitizing!
Then there is the “secret handshake.” This is well documented in freemasonry where members once needed to identify themselves to each other by secret means. Thus, if the person giving the secret handshake received the same handshake in return, he knew that he was in safe company. As far as I know, there are three handshakes. Two are in use by those who are training to become Masons and one by those who have taken “the third degree” and have become full Masons.
In chapter 6, “Hands,” I discussed gesture as a reflection of body part and what that indicates. However, hand gesture is movement, and so in this sense I will revisit the subject of gesture to see how it contributes to our body language.
Hands give a great deal away to a trained palmist. If you loosen your hands by shaking them a little and then hold them with the fingers pointing to the sky, the finger that curls downward will show what's on your mind.