Something broke my dreamless sleep, a shapeless light that steadily grew brighter. The darkness slowly split, and then I was awake. The light drenched my bedroom. It moved, dipped, disappeared completely. The gloom returned. I sat up, felt around for my glasses. Without warning the light came back brighter than before. I rushed across the room, made it to the window and opened the threadbare curtain. The transport was parked right outside, headlights drowning me in their cold blue beams. I shielded my eyes and had a better look.
Tobe was sitting cross-legged on the roof, the girl next to him.
‘What?’
I dropped the curtain, turned away, got dressed in the same clothes that I had worn to the Borough. I felt my way into the kitchen, struck a flame, lit a lantern. I groaned, barely aware I was doing so—the pain of my earlier shock had left me heavy and slow.
‘You get a cuppa on?’
I turned at Tobe’s voice. He still wore his body armour, was still a deadly shadow. All my nagging questions and suspicions returned, only to be blotted out by the sight of the girl trailing behind him. Someone had found an over sized pair of coveralls for her, the sleeves cut off. She was still barefoot. Someone had also taken the time to bathe her; her skin was copper brown tinged with red, her jet-black hair full of tangles.
She could have been an ordinary girl.
‘G’day, Tobe.’
I looked at the girl. ‘And, yeah, g’day.’
Nothing. I gave up, led them into the kitchen and poured three glasses of cloudy water.
‘Here we are then.’
I ignored Tobe. I knew that it would be the last time we would start a ridiculous adventure from the comfort of my kitchen, knew that it was time to leave forever. Never again would I look over the valley or laze under the veranda or sleep under my own roof. All those years waiting, it didn’t seem real now that the time had come.
I couldn’t speak for fear of breaking down.
I picked up the lantern and left Tobe and the girl behind. Thankfully, they let me be. I sleepwalked from room to room, absently touching knick-knacks and trinkets, drifting through the house, trying to take it all in.
I took my time saying goodbye to the old girl.
‘You ‘right?’ Tobe asked when I was done.
I nodded. I didn’t look at him, didn’t want him to see me cry. He patted me on the shoulder, a feeble but sincere attempt at comfort. The girl stared at me, expressionless. I had no idea why she had tagged along. I also didn’t care—my grief welled, threatened to swamp me.
‘Fuck this.’
I knocked off my water and sat the cup down. I knew that would be the last time I would ever drink from it. For some reason, that hurt.
‘You guys should strip the garden. I’ll give you a hand to drain the tank when I’m done.’
My voice was hollow, the words coming automatically. I left Tobe and the girl to it, limped through the house, found my spare pack, crammed in some clothes, gathered up whatever ammunition I could find. I left my tools behind, hoping that Tobe hadn’t done the same. I dithered, decided against taking any more mementoes. I was saying goodbye—a clean break seemed right.
I couldn’t help myself and packed a few keepsakes.
As always, my hat was in its usual place, hanging on the rusty nail that had been hammered into the wall long before I had been born. I plucked it from the nail, put it on, pulled the nail itself from the wall and stuck it in my pocket.
It’s funny that the little things are sometimes the ones that affect us the most.
‘Are you done?’ Tobe was next to me, as sneaky as a spider. There was nothing but sorrow on his face.
‘Yeah, I reckon I am.’
‘Sorry, mate.’
I smiled softly. ‘Thanks.’
We walked outside—he headed for the transport, I shuffled off to the barn. The girl was squatting in the garden, digging in the dirt. She scooped out a handful of earth, rooted through it, and fished out a worm and a grub, then tucked them in her pocket. She completely ignored me. I made a mental note to ask Tobe what was what and why she was with us, and then shuffled on. I opened the barn, hung the lantern from a rafter, hurried over to the tank. I wasn’t sad about seeing the end of that place; one less reminder of bad memories is a good thing.
A roar echoed around me.
Tobe was already backing the transport in. A fog of exhaust had me coughing. The roar stopped but I kept coughing. Tobe jumped out and passed me a canteen.
‘Cheers.’
He was already dragging a hose out, connecting one end to the tank, hauling the other to the transport.
‘Anything I can do?’
‘Give us a hand here, would you?’
He jammed a broken pinch-bar into a latch on the side of the transport. We wrenched on it. Metal shrieked. The latch finally sprang open with enough force to throw us on our arses.
Tobe was already on his feet, feeding the hose into the space we had opened up.
He started the pump. Eventually, a dribble of water splashed back. Tobe was on it quick smart, pulling the hose from the transport and filling a dozen battered jerry cans he had found. When that was done, he hustled onto the transport’s roof.
‘What are you waiting for? Bloody Christmas?’
I passed him the first jerry can, my body creaking like a rusty windmill. He strapped it down. I passed him another.
‘Why do I always get the shit jobs?’
‘Shut your yap, we’re almost done.’
After a while, Tobe secured the last jerry can and jumped down to the ground. He flung open the transport’s side door. I stuck my head in—the girl sat on the floor, sorting through the meagre efforts of my garden. Cactus paddles, prickly pears, desert limes, leathery figs, shrunken fruit, the snake I had killed a few days earlier, some berries from the bush behind the house that I hadn’t realised were edible.
It wasn’t much, but it would have to do.
‘How’s it going?’
The girl looked at me, didn’t speak, got back to work. The transport’s interior was packed with crates, strongboxes and more jerry cans. The tang of gasoline was strong. The tools I had been relying on Tobe to remember were strapped against the wall: a fence of shovels, axes, picks, saws.
‘Is the kitchen sink in there too?’
He didn’t laugh.
‘Did you get any sleep?’ I asked.
‘A couple of hours, enough to see me through.’
Typical … I looked at the girl again. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I had been dying to ask. ‘What’s with you two?’
Tobe frowned. ‘First things first, her name’s Ruby. And you shouldn’t worry about her—she was out in that wasteland a long time, I’m sure she’ll be fine riding in the back.’
‘She spoke, did she?’
‘A little.’
‘What did she say?’
His face grew cold. ‘This and that. Enough.’
‘Don’t give me that.’
He looked me in the eye. ‘Let’s just say that, thanks to a loving family, at least one person survived.’
I suddenly didn’t want to know; it was a familiar story. I broke Tobe’s dead gaze, turned away, trudged outside. The purple-black sky cast everything in a sombre glow. Even the wind seemed to be holding its breath.
I took a last look at my property. We all lose in the end.
‘Sorry, mate,’ Tobe said once again, joining me.
I knew he meant it. ‘Yeah, cheers.’ I looked at him. ‘One last thing.’
He smiled sadly and we tramped away, cutting through a paddock of dead grass, stopping at her grave.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
Some night-time animal howled. It seemed all too fitting.
‘But this is it, the day has come.’
I had first farewelled her a long time ago; I didn’t want to do it again. I burst into tears, unable to keep going. Tobe tactfully looked away. I slowly pulled myself together so he could say his piece.
‘Goodbye, love,’ he said. ‘I wish that you were here to come with us. Imagine that, the times we could have had …’
His voice was strangely calm, all his sadness in his face.
‘And I wish it hadn’t been like this. There isn’t a day that I’m not sorry for what happened.’ He kneeled, lowered his head. ‘But you know that,’ he whispered.
Her tombstone loomed over him, casting him in the shadow of an angel carved from stone.
The transport’s cabin was crowded with junk—faded maps, a tarnished compass, a pair of broken binoculars, possum skins of bush tobacco and wild weed, battered canteens. I had to dig deep to find a seat.
‘It didn’t take you long to settle in,’ I complained, kicking aside the detritus at my feet.
‘There’s no place like home.’ Tobe’s voice was soft.
I didn’t ask if he was okay; I knew better. He slipped the transport into gear, flicked the headlights on and started the engine.
‘You right back there?’ he said over his shoulder, his voice a little louder.
‘No worries,’ Ruby replied.
And away we went. A wicked laugh came from deep in Tobe’s belly as we crossed the paddock—being back on the road seemed to shake his dark mood. Dust plumed behind us, dug from the churned earth of our tyre tracks. We shot through the driveway gate and turned onto the road. Tobe floored the accelerator as we straightened up. I couldn’t help shutting my eyes.
‘You bloody sook …’
‘Piss off.’
‘Now, now, not in front of the kids.’
I opened my eyes.
Tobe turned his head, looked into the back. ‘You okay?’
‘You bet.’
A tree loomed in front of us as we drifted across the road. I reached over, corrected our course.
‘Cheers,’ Tobe said, turning back, taking the wheel.
He revved the engine harder, throwing me into my seat. The world passed in a blur of green-brown-grey shapes. Tobe gestured for me to roll him some bush tobacco. I strained forward, scooped up one of the possum skins. The deep thrum that had drummed into my bones was replaced by a quieter burr as we turned onto the highway and swapped dirt for bitumen. I stared out the window; the ruined town had assumed a sad beauty.
Tobe let go of the wheel, patted his pockets, found his lighter, then tossed it over. I dropped it, of course—clumsy as always. It fell to my feet, and I banged my head on the dashboard as I bent to pick it up.
‘Dickhead.’
I lit Tobe’s bush tobacco in a dignified silence and then passed it over. The smoke shrouded his face. I was about to ask how he could see when he braked with a squeal, once again throwing me back in my seat.
‘Last stop, the pub.’
Ruby laughed, clear and bright. I unbuckled, jumped out, hurried along. Red and Blue were asleep on their blanket by the door. I was half-convinced that they hadn’t moved since I had seen them last. Red woke with a start, met my eye, barked half-heartedly, curled up against his sister, went back to sleep.
I looked around. The pub was dark, quiet. Something was wrong …
‘Bill, mate, hold your horses,’ Tobe shouted, hurrying ahead.
Ruby joined him, helping block the way.
‘What?’
‘Look, don’t get too excited.’
I tensed. They held their ground.
‘It’s just, ah … Fuck it—I wasn’t very convincing last night.’
‘You what?’
Ruby reached up, tugged on Tobe’s arm and smiled an inscrutable smile.
‘Right you are,’ he said. To her, not to me.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked.
‘Why don’t you take a look?’
He waved me on. I flung open the door—the only other person in the pub was Louise, standing behind the bar, forlorn and worn out. Tobe had no doubt spent a while expressing his displeasure.
‘Lou, wonderful to see you again,’ I finally managed to say, pulling myself together.
‘You too, Bill.’ Her voice was sad. She avoided my eye.
I sat at the bar. She still didn’t look at me.
‘Where is everyone?’ I asked, unable to help myself.
Louise looked me in the eye, answering my question with a shrug.
‘This is it,’ Tobe said, sidling up next to me. ‘Two shots and some water, thanks Lou. And fix the room up while you’re at it.’
He started laughing, then stopped so sharply that the silence left behind seemed to suck the air away.
‘Bastards,’ he said.
‘Yeah, bastards,’ Ruby mimicked.
‘Good for you,’ Louise said to her, sitting our drinks down and pouring one for herself.
I took my shot and held it up. The others took theirs and did the same.
‘Here’s to us.’
We drank in a shared melancholia. Tobe finished first, slamming his glass upside-down on the bar. Louise and Ruby quickly followed suit. I lingered over mine, not wanting the moment to end, not wanting to say the last goodbye.
‘Well, no use sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves,’ Tobe said when my glass had joined the rest.
He jumped out of his seat and hurried outside. Ruby was by his side so quick they seemed attached at the hip. When they were gone, Louise took the seat next to mine.
‘What happened?’ I asked her.
She gave me a look that made me feel two feet tall. ‘No one else showed. How much clearer does it have to be?’
I looked around the empty room. ‘No one?’
‘No one.’
‘I thought at least a couple of people would show. As much as we all love this place, it isn’t worth dying for.’
‘Most of them don’t plan on staying and fighting.’
‘So what are they going to do then? I know we’re all pretty tough, but tough enough to be on the road alone? I might sound biased, but out there, Tobe’s the man.’
‘You still believe that, after everything he’s put you through? Jesus, Bill … Last night, when that prick brought you in, we weren’t sure that you were going to make it. What happens next time you get hurt? What happens when he’s not there to save your arse?’
I said nothing. She was right. But no matter, so was I.
‘Well?’ she demanded.
I didn’t want to think about it; I didn’t want to know where my musing might take me. Desperate to change the topic, I stupidly tried to lighten the mood.
‘Well, at least there’ll be plenty of room for the four of us.’
She didn’t laugh, didn’t smile, didn’t meet my eye. ‘I’m sorry, Bill, but I’m not coming either.’
‘Bullshit,’ was all I could say.
‘No bullshit.’
I didn’t look at her. Why stay? Why? I couldn’t lose her too …
‘Haven’t you been listening? You weren’t there, Lou, you didn’t see what we saw. Whoever stays has no chance.’ I almost shouted the words, turning sadness into anger.
‘Bill …’
I cut her off. ‘Everyone who stays will die.’
‘Bill!’ She looked at me hard. Tears cut shining paths down her cheeks.
‘What?’
‘I’m not staying, either. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry …’
‘Don’t.’
There are only two real ways of giving up. I knew Louise was smart enough to choose the less drastic option.
‘The camp’s the only choice I’ve got,’ she said.
Everything I had left fell away.
I reached for her. We held each other tight. I didn’t speak, neither did she. I felt her silent sobs in the heaving of her chest, felt the wet of her tears on my skin, and I cried with her.
I didn’t want it to end like this. How could she give in to them?
I was torn. I couldn’t follow her, not after everything they had done. Never. I held her tighter, breathed her in. She did the same. We wept. We both knew that our minds were made up; we were too stubborn, too alike. That made everything worse, left us wailing.
A muted cough broke our embrace.
‘I’m sorry,’ Tobe said, his voice soft, ‘but we’ve got to go.’
I looked at him. Louise didn’t.
‘I’m sorry. I’ll, uh, leave you both alone for a minute.’
He turned away and walked back outside. Red and Blue’s barks beat down the morning quiet; the roar of the transport smothered its limp body.
‘Bill?’
I looked at Louise. She had dried her eyes, managed a smile. I wiped my tears on my sleeve. She reluctantly let me go. It couldn’t be happening …
‘Good luck.’
I couldn’t speak, didn’t know what to say. And then her eyes twinkled in a so-familiar way.
‘Time for a last kiss?’
My answer was automatic. ‘Of course. But only as long as you don’t say goodbye.’
She wrinkled her face in a question.
‘Make it “catch you later” or “see you around” or some shit. Goodbye’s a bit heavy, don’t you reckon?’
‘Shut up and kiss me, dickhead.’
And so I did.