The Therapist

To Forgive Others, You Must Forgive Yourself Nakita . . .

Although my life has done a complete 180, I am not completely happy. It’s crazy, because I want for nothing at this point. The little black girl that once used safety pins to hold her bra together now has bras and panties in every color and with every design you can think of. My daughter will never see a day of lack. I can provide for her and then some. However, there’s a part of me that is uneasy. Material things don’t make you a parent or a person, and I think those are the areas in which I am failing or will fail.

I am anxious all the time, and I feel like it is almost impossible for me not to be anxious at this point. I’m scared that I’ll regret having my Adrianna. Sometimes I wonder if she is a blessing or a mistake, as horrible as that sounds. I don’t ever want to look at her as a mistake. Adrianna has brought an enormous amount of happiness and love to my life, as well as a boatload of fear. I thought having her would make me complete, but instead, I’ve been a complete mess ever since she was born.

Sometimes I wonder if we would all still be at Ms. Jasmine’s place if Candice didn’t get all that money and share it with me, Judith, Samantha, and Simone. Things were so much easier before the settlement. I always had Candice, the other girls, and Ms. Jasmine there around the clock. It’s not like that any longer, and I don’t trust myself alone with Adrianna for long periods of time. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and hurt her by mistake.

I was beginning to have a meltdown when Candice phoned last night. But she was able to talk me down off the ledge. She’s talked me down one too many times, and yet I still find myself climbing my way back up to the top. Since Dr. Binet concluded treating us, I haven’t seen or talked to anyone besides Candice. I don’t do well with change, and all this is too much for me. I believe my therapy sessions have run their course, so it doesn’t really matter to me that they came to an end. Candice believes that I am making a mistake, that more therapy would be a good thing, but I disagree.

Adrianna and I are together in my bed now, and Adrianna is finally asleep. She went to bed a little upset and disappointed. The kids wanted to have a sleepover tonight, but I ended up having to bring her back to the house because she was not feeling well. She has a mild fever. Candice said it could be just a head cold. I have been giving her Tylenol Cold, and it appears to be working.

Adrianna’s coughing pulls me from my sleep about three hours after she settled down.

“M-Mommy,” she says in a small voice.

Exhausted, in a bleary-eyed state, I grab the Tylenol Cold from my nightstand, pour some in the dosage cup, and give it to her. Sometime later, she coughs again, and I repeat the process and give her more cold medicine. As I lie back down, the realization dawns on me that I mistakenly gave her the medicine too frequently, and so she has taken too much.

“Oh my God. Adrianna, wake up,” I yell and grab her.

Seeing that she’s still asleep, I reach for my phone and dial Candice.

When she picks up, I stutter, “C-Candice, I th-think s-something is wrong with Adriana—”

“Hang up and call nine-one-one,” she orders, interrupting me. “I’m on my way over there.”

This had to be one of the scariest nights of my life. It never fails; I am bad luck to anyone within arm’s reach. Adrianna wound up with a bad stomachache and the runs, but overall, the mild overdose didn’t do anything to her. Since I really don’t trust myself with her now, I wanted Candice to take Adrianna home with her, but she refused. I wasn’t in the mood to argue with Candice, but I didn’t see why she just couldn’t keep her over there for now.

I have been nursing Adrianna for three days now, and I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. I am going to ignore the knocking at the front door. But then Candice barges into my bedroom.

“Nakita, what is wrong with you? Open these curtains. Get up.”

Almost jumping out of my skin, I stare at her, wide-eyed, before turning my back to her.

“You forgot I have a key. I need you to get up. It has been three days. You cannot sit in this room in the dark. It smells in here too.” She pulls the curtains back.

“I have a headache. Just leave me alone right now.”

“From what? This?” She storms over to me and waves an empty bottle of wine in my face.

“No, Candice! Now let me be.”

“Your daughter needs you, Nakita. It was an honest mistake! You cannot continue to beat yourself up.”

“A mistake that could have killed my daughter, Candice.” I break down.

“But you didn’t. Adrianna is fine. I just checked on her. You’ve been taking great care of her. You’re fine, Nakita.”

“I am not fine, Candice. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what? What are you talking about? Every day won’t be perfect. We are not perfect. And guess what?”

“We all make mistakes. You cannot give up on yourself and life because you made a mistake. You have to fight. Yes, we went through hell and back, but you can go through hell and still be happy.”

“It’s hard to fight for a life that you’ve given up on for so long.”

“Well, you have to keep fighting, Nakita, no matter what. You also need to go back to therapy. It was helping.”

“I’m not starting over with someone else. I don’t need to talk about anything anymore. All talking does is dig everything up that I buried. I am sick of resurrecting my dead issues and demons. I am done talking about all of that, and I’m done talking to you right now. Now, please leave me alone for a little while.”

“I will leave you alone for now, but I will be back bright and early tomorrow morning. You know what tomorrow is, and you know that I need you there.”

“Fine. Now shut the curtains and close the door behind you. Thanks.”