CHAPTER SIX
A Deadly Combination Candice . . .
Pretty much every waking moment has been spent with the kids for the past seven years, twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. Minus me attending therapy and school for the past two years, Nakita and I have dedicated our all to our little ones. We even homeschool them in the mornings, from 7:00 a.m. until noon. However, lately, with New Beginnings taking up the majority of my time, my schedule has changed. So much so that we’ve found ourselves trying to work with the kids in the late afternoon or evenings, and that’s beginning to pose problems. Alonzo feels it’s time the kids transitioned to private school, which would allot me the time that I need to get things done without distractions. Especially while they’re in school.
Thoughts of Alonzo make me sigh, and I cross my arms as this unfamiliar, yet familiar smile creeps across my face. Things have been unbelievably great. Alonzo has shown himself to be a fabulous father and provider and is one of my best friends. Lately, my other best friend, Nakita, has been down and somewhat depressed. She spends the majority of her time alone at her place. I have been so busy that I haven’t been able to be there for her like I’d like to. However, when I do go by, she pushes me away. The only time she wants to talk or has anything to say is when it’s about Adrianna. It breaks my heart to see her like this, so I have been giving her time to clear her head.
On the flip side, I haven’t had anyone to talk to or turn to other than Alonzo. He has been so much more than what I need him to be with the kids when time gets the best of me. It’s as if he and Nakita have traded places. Those late-night talks about life, deep wounds, regrets, or whatever topics Nakita and I used to cover, Alonzo and I now have together. It has gotten to the point where we curl up in the bed together and watch movies, talk, and laugh the same way I have done with Nakita. He sleeps at my place more than he does at his own home. The crazy thing about it is, I feel comfortable with him. However, the feelings that are present are not the same ones that I experience with Nakita.
Now, every time my phone rings, I get a text, or I know that I am going to see Alonzo, I suddenly feel as if the inside my stomach is being tickled. I smile for no reason at the thought of him. I don’t even know how to stop smiling anymore. I walk around nowadays with this slaphappy grin tattooed across my face. He gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling that makes me all tingly inside. All this scares the daylights out me, but I cannot shake it, and deep down inside, I don’t want to.
Alonzo is actually on his way here now to help me with the kids so that I can put the final touches on things for the New Beginnings grand opening tomorrow.
“It’s open. Come in,” I call when I hear a knock on the door to my office, which is situated upstairs.
Alonzo walks in and finds me seated at my desk. “Hey there, beautiful. The kids are all set. They’re downstairs, playing with your dad. Did you need anything before I head out?” he says as he closes the office door behind him.
Turning my head sideways to avoid eye contact, I stutter, “I—I d-didn’t hear you come in the house. When did you get here?”
“Your dad let me in about a half hour ago. He said you were working up here, so I left you alone. But now I came by to make sure you’re good.”
“I . . . I’m all right, Alonzo. Thanks for everything.”
“What’s going on, Candice? Why can’t you look at me? Did I do something wrong?”
As my eyes well up with tears, I manage to form a smile. “No, you’ve done everything right. Sometimes I’m so happy, I can’t bring myself to believe it’s real,” I confess. “I have to pinch myself just to make sure I’m not dreaming. I am so afraid of how I feel about you, Alonzo, that it’s driving me crazy.”
Alonzo tries to talk and swallow at the same time, but he chokes on his words. As he gathers himself, he stares at me blankly. His eyes don’t blink for at least thirty seconds. Maybe I jumped the gun. He probably really sees me as his friend. We just happen to have the same daughter. But why does he want to adopt the boys? Maybe he feels sorry for me.
“Oh my God, what have I done? I am so sorry, Alonzo, if I overstepped my boundaries.”
“No, no, please, Candice.” He takes a deep breath. “I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you at Burger King. You aren’t and weren’t like any person or woman that I have ever met. Your innocence was breathtaking to me. Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear something remotely close to the words that just floated from your lips?” He closes in on my personal space.
My head drops in embarrassment.
“Candice.” He kneels before me and lifts my head so that I look at him.
“Ye-yes?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“I . . . I don’t think I even know . . .”
“If you’re not ready, I will wait until you are. We can take our time and go as slow as you’d like to, just as long as we don’t stop or pause. My life will never be complete until I have all of you completely. I know it won’t happen overnight. I just need to know that there’s hope or a possibility for it to happen.”
Without uttering a word, I allow my lips to join his in a French connection.
After breaking our embrace, with my chest heaving up and down, I confess, “I think I want this. I just don’t think I am ready to be sexually intimate. I need more time for that.”
“I don’t want your body right now. I need your heart. The rest will come naturally.”
“Candice, Alonzo, please come quick,” my dad calls up the stairs.
Abandoning our moment in my office, Alonzo and I race down the stairs, unsure of what will greet us when we hit final step. My pulse pounds in my ears.
“Dad, what’s . . . wrong . . . ? Are the . . . kids okay?” I ask frantically when I find my dad in the foyer.
“Yes. They’re in the playroom. We went over to Nakita’s earlier. Adrianna wanted to see her mom. She doesn’t look good, Candice. She’s unresponsive or is ignoring me. You know how Nakita is. She’s probably in one of her moods and don’t want to be bothered. Either way, I told Adrianna she was asleep. Please go check on her, Candice. I’m a little nervous about her.”
Jenna charges into the foyer just then. “What’s going on? I heard Dad shouting your name from out front.”
“He said something might be wrong with Nakita,” I tell her.
Jenn frowns. “What are we doing here? Let’s go over there and check on her.”
“You’re right, Jenna. Alonzo, please stay here with Dad and the kids. We will go whup Nakita back into shape.”
Nakita and I race over to Nakita’s. I open the front door with the key Nakita gave me, and we both call her name, but she doesn’t answer. The stillness in the air seems to muffle even the sound of our footsteps as we walk warily toward Nakita’s bedroom. I knock on her bedroom door, but again, there is no answer. The silence Jenna and I share at this moment is the kind of silence that descends right before you get knifed in the back. This thought causes a sudden shiver to race down my spine. I can feel my blood chill in my veins as we enter Nakita’s bedroom and dash over to the bed. I see Nakita lying there, unnaturally still.
“Nakita, why are you sleeping in that dress? You look so pretty. You’re so—” I say, but then I cut myself short and panic. “Oh my God! Nakita, what have you done?” I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my scream. I can hear my heart hammering in my chest, and the sound echoes in my head.
“Candice, call nine-one-one. Now!” Jenna yells as she shoves me out of the way and hovers over Nakita. After picking up the empty prescription bottles on the nightstand and tossing them in anger, Jenna taps Nakita on the shoulder and shouts, “Are you okay? Can you hear me?”
I stand there watching, motionless.
“Candice, snap out of it! Please call nine-one-one.” Jenna yells. Then she proceeds to turn Nakita on her back, intent on opening her airway. After tilting Nakita’s head slightly, Jenna lifts Nakita’s chin and begins to administer CPR.
While she does this, I dial 911 and cry into the phone, “My friend Nakita, isn’t breathing. Please come to thirty-two twenty-six Terry Road. Hurry! Please hurry!”
* * *
After getting out of the ambulance and sitting in the hospital waiting room for hours, I am dying on the inside. Positioned on the edge of the chair, I place my hands on my knees, intending to stop them from bouncing every other second. I just want to know what is going on with my Nakita. This would not have happened if I hadn’t been so caught up with everything else. I had seen her sinking deeper and deeper into a depression, and instead of dragging her out of it, I had given her time to herself.
“This is all my fault,” I sob.
“You cannot blame yourself, Candice. Let’s just pray she’s all right. We can and will work through this,” Ms. Jasmine says, consoling me.
“She’s right, Candice. We are in this together and will work through it,” Jenna chimes in.
As I stare at the faded green wall in front of me, I can feel the tension and anxiety consuming me. “I need air.” I jump out of my seat.
“I’ll walk with her outside,” Alonzo says and grabs my hand.
Before we can make it the door, Ms. Jasmine summons me back. As I ran back to our seats, I see the doctor standing with everyone. The fear and sadness painted across their faces stops me in my tracks and drops me to my knees.
“Please, God, no. This cannot happen. How? Why?” I cry.
“They did everything that they could, Candice. I am so sorry. I love you girls so much,” Ms. Jasmine says as she wraps her arms around me.
“I want a do-over. Please, God, let her wake up. C-Can I see her, Ms. Jasmine? I need to see her. She has to hear my voice. She’s just sleeping. She’s been sad and tired. She’ll get up. You’ll see.” I use the back of my hand to wipe my nose.
* * *
“Candice, do you mind if I come in?” Dr. Binet calls from the other side of Nakita’s bedroom door, then peeks her head in.
“Sure,” I say and sniffle.
“Ms. Jasmine said you were over here. By the time I got to the hospital, you were gone. I am so sorry this has happened. I should have known and kept counseling her,” she says, tearing up.
“I feel like it is my fault, Dr. Binet . . . I mean Brianne. I saw the signs. Hell, I know the signs. I just thought she needed time to herself. She was so upset when she gave Adrianna that medicine. It was like she turned into another person right after that. I had Adrianna with me more than she did. Never in a million years could I have seen this coming. Depressed and angry, yes, but not suicidal. Honestly, I don’t think it was suicide. I believe she didn’t realize the effects the wine would have in combination with the medication she was taking.”
“I believe she knew what she was doing, Candice. She loved you and the kids more than she did herself. Nakita would rather endure hurt, harm, danger, or possible death than to see you and the kids suffer. I think she believed she was a burden to everybody, and so she sought to end it all.”
“She has been drinking wine and taking her meds for a while, even before she went away. I mean, she may have been drinking a little more lately, but that doesn’t signal a suicide attempt or a plan to me.”
Placing her hand on mine, Dr. Binet explains, “No matter how often she was or was not drinking, it was dangerous to drink with her medication. I just don’t understand how she managed to have Prozac and Seroquel in her system.”
“She went to one visit with Dr. Raysor after our sessions with you concluded. Dr. Raysor changed her medication and advised her to discontinue taking the Prozac. Oh no, Brianne! She did kill herself. She took both medications together and finished this bottle of wine.” I pick up the bottle and throw it across the room.
“Candice, you know as well as I do that sexual abuse and violence can have psychological, emotional, and physical effects on a survivor. Everyone deals with those effects differently. Some of us recover, and some of us don’t. Unfortunately, sometimes even therapy doesn’t help at some point. Some people just don’t take to it. Nakita blamed herself for her sister’s death and expected no good to come to her. She felt if she wasn’t in the picture, you and the kids would be better off.”
“Why would you say something like that? She never once said we’d be better off without her. She loved Adrianna. She loved me and the boys. She wouldn’t leave us like that.”
“Candice, this is hard for all of us, but you need to know the truth. She called me yesterday, but I . . . I missed her call. I had my ringer off, and my phone calls went to voice mail. If only I had answered my phone, she’d be here. I am to blame.” She bursts into tears.
“Wait, Brianne. Wait. If you missed her call, how do you know this?” I blubber.
“Sh-she left me a message.”
“I need to hear it.”
“Are you sure you want to hear it? Maybe we should leave her bedroom and go to your place before you hear it.”
“No, I want to feel her. I need to hear her voice again now. Please, Dr. Brianne. Please let me hear my sister one last time.”
Dr. Binet pulls out her phone and retrieves Nakita’s voice-mail message. Then she pushes a button to replay the message and hands me the phone.
“H-Hello? Dr. Binet? I didn’t know who else to call.” Nakita’s words tumble together, a rush of barely distinguishable syllables, and then the message ends abruptly.
“Brianne! How does that message justify anything you just said?” I exhale forcefully through my mouth before continuing. “The only thing that’s clear in that message is that Nakita was drunk and possibly high off the meds.”
“Hand me back the phone and give me a moment. She left more than one message. I need to bypass the message that was left after hers to retrieve the next one that she left.” She fumbles with her phone. When the message is about to play, she hands me the phone.
“Dr. Binet, I have to take a nap, but I wanted to try you again first, and still no answer. By the time you hear this message, I will probably have gone down for my final nap. I am so sorry. I could not be helped. I am poisonous. Everyone that I love either dies or gets hurt. It’s best that I leave silently. Please do me a favor and tell Candice to continue loving Adrianna the way that she loves me. Tell her I love her, and that I made it this far because of her. But my time is up. Thank you for everything, Dr. Binet. I will always be with you guys in your hearts—” The message is cut short.
“Why, Nakita? Why? We could have worked through it. Why did you leave me, us, like this?” I wail in agony and sink to floor. Pounding my hand on the cold floor, I sob, “Nakita, you can’t be gone. We made a vow to fight, no matter what. They’re wrong. She’s just sleeping. She said it in the message.” I jump up, throw myself on top of the bed, and allow the pillow to hug my face. My tears dampen the pillowcase.
“I am so sorry, Candice. This is a tough pill to swallow for me. I want to console you and tell you everything is going to be all right, but right now, I am not sure how much of that I believe.”
“No, Brianne. This is all your fault. She called you twice, and you waited an entire day to call her back. How could you be so selfish?” I screech. My eyes burn with rage, and my chest feels heavy, as if it is filled with lead.
“Candice—”
I hiss through clenched teeth, “There’s nothing you can say to change this. She’s gone. Forever. My sister is gone. How can I go on?” I jump from the bed and dropped to my knees. “Please, God, let this be a terrible dream. I am ready to wake up now. This is not how it is supposed to end. We need her here a little longer. God, please send her back. I won’t mess up this time. I won’t let her be alone this time. Please, God, let my sister wake up. We need her,” I plead as memories flood my mind and the tears continue to flow.