The Therapist

After assisting with getting the kids fed and settled in bed for the night, I make my way through the house to try to find Brianne. Her car is parked out front. She texted me earlier, saying she would be coming by, but I haven’t seen her since I got here. I know things haven’t been great between the two of us, but I know she has to be hurting like the rest of us. She was the first person that Nakita really opened up to and shared her truth with. Brianne blames herself for Nakita’s depression. I kind of feel uncomfortable about all this. Had I not pursued Brianne, Nakita might still be alive. Brianne discontinued her counseling only because of what we were trying to build together. Now I am unsure if that’s even happening, and to top it off, Nakita is gone.

When I can’t find Brianne anywhere in the house, it dawns on me that she may be over at Nakita’s house. So I walk over to Nakita’s and search for the house key under the flowerpot by the front door and come up empty handed. That means someone is in there. The rule for Candice and Nakita is that if the key is missing under the flowerpot by the front door, they are home, and if they are not at home, then the key must be under the flowerpot. After allowing myself inside the house, I make my way to Nakita’s bedroom, guided by the line of light that illuminates the bottom of the closed bedroom door in a house that is otherwise dark.

“Brianne, are you there?” I call when I reach the door.

“Y-Yes, I am here.”

“Are you okay? I know this is a tough one for you, as it is for the rest of us.”

“This is all my fault. I was selfish. I should have continued my sessions with her. How could I have abandoned her when I knew she was fragile?”

I slowly open the door, then step inside the bedroom. Brianne is standing in the middle of the floor. “Please don’t put that on yourself. You did right by her and the other girls and found them another therapist. You didn’t abandon anyone. You did what you thought was best.”

“Best for who? No one. She’s gone, and I am to blame.”

“No you’re not, Brianne. You just said she was fragile. So, this could have happened with or without you as her therapist. I believe the person or persons that are at fault here are the men and women that took advantage of her and abused her. Had none of those horrific things taken place, Nakita would still be here.”

“I was responsible for helping her get through and past all of that. Look at Candice. She is stronger than ever. I knew she would have no trouble transitioning to a new therapist. Nakita wasn’t there yet. I should have waited until she was able to handle that type of change. It was a mistake . . . All this was a huge mistake, and because of my carelessness, someone is dead. Again,” she howls.

“Please, Brianne, don’t do this to yourself . . .” I pause. “I’m sorry, but what do you mean, someone is dead again?”

“Never mind. Forget I said that.”

“I don’t think I want to do that. How can we move any further with secrets? How will you be able to even move past this and not take the blame for this when you’re harboring secrets?”

“I am a horrible person, Jenna. I am surprised you even want to deal with me. That is probably why you’re so turned off and cannot be intimate with me. You can see past my facade. I am not as perfect as everyone thinks I am . . . or thought I was, Jenna.”

“I think Nakita’s death is hitting you hard, as it is all of us, and it should. She was family to all of us. Blood didn’t make us family, even though we are. Our bond and our loyalty to one another did that. However, no one thinks or thought you were or are perfect. None of us are or will ever be perfect. Leave that to God. I am not sure what facade you’re talking about either. What I do know is, you were the strength that my sister and the other girls needed when they didn’t know where to turn. God in heaven knows that we all blame ourselves in some way, shape, or form because we love her.” I take a deep breath.

I go on. “Deep down inside, we know it wasn’t our fault. I may not be a therapist, but I do know that some people cannot be saved, no matter how hard you try. Nakita felt this was needed in order for Adrianna to be happy. No, it doesn’t make sense to us, but it made sense to her. I hate all of it. I wish I could have been here to stop her or something. It hurts like hell, but I know neither you nor I did this to her. My heart is bleeding like everyone else’s is, but we cannot blame ourselves and end up in the same place that she was in, Brianne.”

“I’ve been where she was, and sometimes, I find myself still there. No one deserves to be treated the way that those girls were mistreated. Someone deserves to pay, and it should not have been Nakita. My baby had to pay for what happened to me.” Unable to hold in her heartbreak any longer, Brianne collapses on the floor, inconsolable in her misery, as tears flood her eyes.

“Baby? Your baby, Brianne? What are you talking about?” I move closer to her.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Jenna.”

“Well, I think it’s good to talk. I feel like you need to talk. You would tell us that in counseling. Or should I say, ‘You’re at a breaking point, so please continue’?” Tears race down my cheeks.

“I am already broke, Jenna, so run now. I can help fix everyone except myself. What I will do is make sure none of my other patients get to this point. I will make sure their abusers pay.”

“You’re not making sense. You have no control over that, Brianne. Please talk to me. What baby?” I say, digging.

“Just let it go, Jenna. Please.”

“I cannot and I will not let it go, Brianne. Please talk to me.”

“I killed my daughter. I am a horrible person. Are you happy now?”

“No, I am not happy. What do you mean, you killed your daughter? What daughter, Brianne? You’re not making sense.”

“I am making perfect sense. Like I said, I am not as perfect as I appear to be. I have flaws. I too was raped and was possibly impregnated by my rapist. The downfall is I went into a severe depression, and my Sienna is no longer here because of those bastards.”

“No longer here? How? What happened? I am so sorry, Brianne. I had no idea.” I drop to the floor next to her as gut-wrenching sobs tear through my chest.

“I—I left her in the car. She died from vehicular heatstroke. I was so caught up in my own mess and so severely depressed that I left my child in a car by herself to die. I am a horrible human being. Like I said, because of my own selfishness, because I put my shit first, once again someone lost their life.”

“I am so sorry, Brianne. It was a mistake. You didn’t leave her in the car intentionally. You cannot blame yourself.”

“I am to blame for Sienna, just like I am to blame for Nakita.”

“No you’re not. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“Do what? It is already done. Instead of handling the cowards that hurt me, I went into a depression, and now my daughter is gone. Now, once again, instead of putting Nakita’s needs first, I selfishly discontinued her services to pursue something with you, and now she’s gone. No more. This will never happen again.”

“You can’t take the blame for all this, Brianne. None of this is your fault. You were hurt, just like Nakita was. Your abusers are at fault. I had no idea. I am so sorry. I will do whatever is necessary to work through all this with you.” I grab her hands to try to comfort her.

“I don’t want your help. This is partially your fault. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at me, Nakita would probably still be here. Please get your hands off me.” She snatches her hands out of my grasp. “To add insult to injury, you’re nothing more than a tease. So she’s gone, and for what?” She shakes her head.

“I threw myself at you, Brianne? That’s what I did?”

“Of course, out of everything I just said to you, that’s all you heard.”

“You’re upset, Brianne. You don’t mean that. Would you like me to go downstairs and give you a little time by yourself?”

“No, you can leave. I will be fine,” she tells me, her tone cold.

“I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone right now. You’re upset. We’re all upset. We need one another to get through all this, Brianne.”

“What? You think I am suicidal now? I am fine. I’d kill someone else before I’d hurt myself.”

I frown. “You’re really scaring me, Brianne. I know you’re upset, and this is hard for us, but you can’t blame yourself or push me away.”

“How can I push someone away that I never had? That’s impossible, Jenna. You’re a beautiful, insightful, and intelligent woman. I think you need to reevaluate things and make sure that you really want to be with a woman and that you’re not looking for a mother.”

“That was cruel, Brianne.” My chin trembles.

Distance is all that matters to me right now. The only sure way to escape this verbal lashing is to remove myself from her presence. I get up of the floor and walk toward the door. As I am about to leave the room, I stop in my tracks and turn around. Through my tears, I say, “I—I know you’re hurting. You might even be dealing with a different level of pain, because you had a somewhat unique relationship with Nakita as her counselor and her friend. However, that does not give you the right to be rude, hurtful, or disrespectful.”

“I am being honest. Life is too short, as you can see, to be walking on eggshells and trying to spare feelings. You and I both know the truth, so let’s get through this rough moment in our lives with Nakita’s passing and leave everything else where it’s at.”

“What does that mean, Brianne? What are you trying to say?”

“I believe I have been totally clear. You and I both know that I am not looking to be your mom. I want more, but you’re unable to give me what I want other than a friendship.”

“No problem.” I dart from the room.

Allowing my tears to become one with my face, I pick up speed, head out Nakita’s front door, and sprint back to Candice’s place. As I reach for the doorknob, the door swings open, and I collapse into my dad’s arms.

“Baby girl, are you all right? I don’t think it was a good idea for you girls to keep going over there. It’s too soon.” He swallows me with his arms.

“I—I need to get away from here. Everything is falling apart around me. Nakita is gone, and now Brianne.”

“Brianne? What’s wrong with Brianne? Baby, what are you saying?”

“Can we leave, Dad? I don’t want to upset anyone any more than they already are.”

“Sure, baby. Let me go and make sure Alonzo and Ms. Jasmine are good with the kids. Oh, never mind. Here comes Tracy and Simone. They can be there with Ms. Jasmine and Alonzo. “

“Hey there, ladies,” Dad calls. He and I greet the girls with hugs simultaneously.

“We feel awful, Jenna. How’s Candice? How’s Adrianna taking it?” Tracy says, sympathizing.

“Not good. This is a rough one,” I say.

“Yes, it is for all of us,” Simone interjects.

“We have to hold each other up through this. That’s what family does,” Dad declares.

“Yes, we do. Listen, my dad and I are on our way out. We will be right back. If my sister or the babies need anything, please text me,” I say.

“Will do,” Tracy throws over her shoulder as she and Simone walk by us and into the house.

* * *

“Dad, I don’t have an appetite,” I tell my dad as we sit in a booth at TGI Fridays.

“You have to eat something, baby girl. You’re going to make yourself sick. Try a sandwich, even if you eat only half of it.”

“You know I don’t like processed food. I don’t even eat meat, Dad.”

“They have a black-bean burger. See there, princess? Right up your alley.”

I smirk. “I’ll give it a try, Dad. My stomach is in knots. I feel like I can’t breathe, Dad. My whole world caved in right before me.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be able to talk if you couldn’t breathe, so please take a deep breath and talk to me, baby. What’s going on with Brianne?”

“She was so mean to me, Dad. I cannot believe she talked to me the way that she just did. She blames Nakita’s death on me. I felt bad originally, because I know that had she kept going to counseling with Brianne, she might still be here.”

“Don’t do that to yourself. There’s no telling what would or would not have happened. As for Brianne, she knows better. She’s supposed to be a professional with this, so I am confused as to where all this is coming from.”

“She has her own bag of skeletons, Dad. I think Nakita’s death gave them a life.”

“I am sure she does, baby girl. We all do. Right now, you need to focus on Jenna. Let me ask you a question, How do you know you prefer women?”

“Dad!”

He shrugs. “It’s a simple question.”

“I just find myself attracted to them. I don’t see men like that at all.”

“Is it because of me?”

I shake my head. “No, Dad. Why are we talking about this right now, anyway?”

“Because I really think you’re looking for motherly love. I think you’re confused. I want you to be able to mourn and be there with and for your sister. Nakita was family to all of us. I don’t want this mess with Brianne upsetting you when this thing you have for her isn’t real.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that? I know what I feel.” I dissolve into tears.

After moving to my side of the booth, Dad put his arms around me and holds me tightly, whispering, “I love you so much. I am sorry for not being what I needed to be to you. I am even more sorry that your mom wasn’t here for you. I blame myself for all the ups, downs, and unbearable things that you and your sister experienced. I promise to make it up to both of you.”

Snuggling closer, I reply, “I love you more, Dad.”

I am not sure what my future holds when it comes to my sexuality. Dad and even Brianne have a point. Maybe I have been looking for a mother all along. No matter what I decide, I know Brianne isn’t for me. She has turned into my evil stepmother. Just like Camilla when she’s mad, Brianne verbally assaults. I refuse to allow myself to open that door to mistreatment ever again. My heart is aching, but it has more to do with wishing Nakita had given life another chance. She was the other half of Candice and, when I met them, of me as well. A cousin I didn’t know I’d had and someone whom I’d grown to love from our first encounter is gone. How do we go on from here? I feel like I now have a bigger hole in my heart. One adjoined to the hole Mama left.

Dear Heavenly Father, if you’re listening, please help me. I know I am probably the last person you expected to hear from. My sister said talking to you would help me, so I am talking. I need help, God. I am confused, hurt, and scared. Please help me, so I can help myself, I pray silently.

“Jenna, are you all right over there? Did I say something wrong?”

“Yes, Dad, I am fine. And no, you said everything right.”

“I am happy to hear that. Let’s get this to go. We can stop and pick up a couple pies and bring them back to the house for everyone.”

“That’s a great idea.”