The Therapist

Dr. Ness had no business telling me what I can and cannot do with my practice. She’s the one taking clients under the table. That’s more questionable than me being burnt out or still mourning the loss of my daughter. I should not have gone to see her. Had I not gone, I would have been available for Nakita when she phoned me. I’d been so upset with myself for wasting my time going to see Dr. Ness that I’d turned my phone off when I left her office. Now another life is gone because of my negligence and selfishness.

“I am so sorry, Nakita. I wasn’t there for you, just like I wasn’t there for Sienna. I promise to make it up to both of you by not allowing another person dear to me or a client suffer due to my negligence and selfishness. Everyone will have to pay for their sins one way or the other,” I vow aloud through angry tears as I sit on Nakita’s bedroom floor. “I can do this.” I pick myself up off the floor.

As I pace back and forth, I refuse to let regret, heartbreak, and sadness consume me any longer and promise myself that I will commit myself anew to my practice. “Yes, I can. I can do this,” I affirm. “I am Dr. Binet, American Psychiatric Association Award recipient in two categories. I will not allow a minor setback to take my accomplishments away or diminish my practice.”

At times, I used to see four or more clients a day, five days a week, and each of my clients came armed with heavy problems. I managed to help them through it all. Yes, some of it reopened my barely healed wounds. But that doesn’t mean I am unfit to practice. Helping the girls helped me. It just eats away at me when their abusers get off easy. I know if their abusers paid for their sins, they’d heal faster and be able to move on with their lives without too many hang-ups. I honestly believe Nakita couldn’t fully recover because evildoers who preyed upon her, Mr. Frankie and Paul, got off easy.

Simone, Tracy, and Judith, the other girls who fell victim to abusers and were at Hope House along with Candice and Nakita, still live together, because they’re still afraid, despite all the extensive counseling they’ve undergone. They’re scared to be alone. Samantha hasn’t been the same since she parted ways with all the girls, as well as with her son Micah. Unfortunately, she married that clown of a lawyer who represented her in the proceedings against Ms. Nancy’s estate and is now dependent on drugs. Money couldn’t and didn’t buy her or her children happiness. Ms. Jasmine now has full custody of Micah, and the state has Samantha’s twin girls. Ms. Jasmine is fighting to get the twins as well. Therapy is so important for those girls, and they need closure. Because they have not had closure, they’re still afraid and lost. They don’t feel safe. How can they?

As for Simone, her abuser is a free man because no one believed her. I believe her story is what led me to believe wholeheartedly that more needs to be done for victims of abuse. And Nakita’s sudden death has underscored my conviction. For two years, it was very difficult to extract information from Simone. It was like pulling teeth just to get a straight answer from her or to get her to open up. She was my most difficult case since I opened my own practice. No matter what direction I went, she wouldn’t budge. The day I broke through to her, something broke in me. I did something I never had never done before in my practice or profession. I became personally and emotionally attached. I remember exactly what happened that day.

“Good afternoon, Simone. How are you doing today?” I said when she entered my office and took a seat.

“I am good, Dr. Binet. How are you doing?”

“I can’t complain. How about you tell me what you’d like me to help you with?”

“We have been doing this for a few years. You’re supposed to be the doctor, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you know the answer to that question by now?” Her eyes widened.

“You’re absolutely right. Well . . . do you think you should be here? I know when you first arrived at Hope House, the girls suggested therapy, as it was their saving grace, as they mentioned to you. But do you think you should be here? Do you even want to be here, or is it just something for you to do? You can be honest with me,” I replied, digging.

“Are you going to let me answer, or are you going to keep asking open-ended questions and answering them yourself?” she snapped.

“I suppose you still struggle with trust, considering it has been a few years since you started therapy, as you just stated.”

“You’re absolutely right. I do not trust you. You don’t know me. You’re just here to collect a check. This is your job. You couldn’t care less about us. I don’t need your pity either.”

“This is more than a check for me, Simone. I was once you. I was hurt and taken advantage of by someone I thought loved me, and because of that, it’s hard for me to trust anyone. What I do trust is my clients hurt and pain, and what I can give of myself to help them tackle their pain.”

Scanning her face for a reaction, I saw she didn’t have one. Simone stared blankly as silence hovered over us.

“Would you like to end here—” I stopped short when I noticed tears illuminating her eyes like jewels.

Tearfully, she revealed, “I—I was only three years old. I don’t’ remember everything. I just keep having the same nightmare over and over of police officers removing me from our home. That was the last time I saw my parents. And in this nightmare, I am being placed in the system.” She paused.

“Do you need a moment?”

“No. I think I need to get all this off my chest. It’s time. I heard everything you’ve ever said to me. The only way that I’ve talked about any of this until now is in my journal, as you instructed me to.”

“I am happy to hear this, Simone. That is huge. If you don’t mind, I’d like you to continue talking about this now. Are you all right with that?”

Nodding her head yes, she admits, “When I was seven, I learned my mom and dad were arrested, and I, along with four other kids, were removed from the home during the raid. My foster brother at the time said it was all over the news. He was four years older than me and helped my foster mom out. Todd was Mimas’s only son. She wanted to have more children and couldn’t, so she took in foster kids.”

“So, the other four children weren’t siblings? And Mimas? Is that your foster mother?”

“Yes, Mimas was really the only mom that I’ve known. I vaguely remember my mom and dad. I was an only child. When I was old enough, I researched and found out my parents, along with my aunt, were arrested for having guns and cocaine in the house. Myself along with my four cousins were placed in foster care. The only family that I’ve known are Mimas, Todd, Kathy, Sabrina, and Terianne. Things were great until I turned ten.” She used the back of her hand to wipe tears from her eyes.

“Please feel free to use the tissues to the right of you.” I pointed.

“Thank you.” She blew her nose before closing her eyes and taking me back to the exact day and time....

* * *

“Kathy, Sabrina, Terianne, and you too, Simone, bring your smelly tails in here.”

“Yes, Mimas?” we sang.

“Girls are supposed to be pretty and smell like flowers all the time. I want each of you to get yourself together, so I can give you a bath the right way. I have some pretty undergarments and deodorant for you girls that I want you to try.”

“Yes, ma’am,” we chorused, moping..

“What are the long faces for?”

“We wanted to finish jumping rope before the streetlights come on,” Kathy explained.

“The lights are on in here. Now bring your smelly tails upstairs.”

“You girls heard what she said,” Todd said, chiming in. “Mimas, I’ll give you a hand and help Simone and Terianne.”

As Terianne and I entered the bathroom, Todd instructed, “You two undress while I run your bath.”

“No. Just run the water. You can’t see our privates,” I replied.

“No one is paying attention to your mosquito bites, Simone,” he mocked. “But I will turn around.”

Rolling my eyes but filled with shame, I removed my clothes, and so did Terianne.

“You two get in the tub. I’ll show you how to clean yourselves real fast, and then I’ll leave,” Todd told us.

“Good,” we said in unison, and then we jumped into the tub, splashing water over the rim.

“Stop splashing the water, before I call Mimas,” Todd warned us.

“Tattletale,” Terianne teased.

“Okay, stop playing.” He pulled me closer and placed the washrag in my hand. With his hand over mine, he guided the washrag under my arms, across my training bra–sized breasts, and then down to my privacy. There he slipped his hand under the washrag and placed his middle finger inside me .

* * *

Simone sighed and gazed out the window of my office for a moment. “Dr. Binet, he helped us, all right. Todd had always been so sweet and protective of us. However, on that day he turned into one of the guys he professed to protect us from.”

“Is that the only time Todd touched you?”

“I wish. Todd raped me up until the day Mimas made me leave. She didn’t even believe me when I told her that Todd might be the father of my baby and that he’d been raping me. Mimas said I wasn’t being truthful. She said she couldn’t keep a fast, lying pregnant girl in her home or help raise a bastard baby.” Simone began to sob.

“Do you need a moment, Simone?”

“No. Would you please stop asking me that question? If I needed a moment, I would take it. You have no compassion whatsoever. You said you were hurt and taken advantage of by someone you thought loved you. I shared this, thinking you could relate and that it’d be safe, and yet you sit there in front of me, stone faced.”

With tears threating my eyes, I confessed, “Ethically, I cannot become emotionally attached, so it’s best I allow you to finish before I say anything. It will give me time to process things, so I can say what you need to hear. This isn’t about me.”

“Ethically? I am no case study, Dr. Binet. I am a human being, looking for more than a ‘Do you need a moment?’”

“This is about you, Simone, not me. Yes, I was hurt, and every day I am haunted by the memories of it. However, I shared too much when I said that. I apologize for getting personal.”

“You’re just like Todd. When he abused my trust over and over, all he did was apologize, right before he did it again. You’re probably sitting there, speechless, judging me like Mimas did, because I am unsure who fathered Sage. Mimas didn’t give me time to clear that up. So, before you go judging me, the reason I don’t know is that Todd wanted to give his best friend, Robert, a birthday present, and ‘the pretty, Chinky-eyed girl’ named Simone was the perfect gift. That’s right. They took turns raping me, Dr. Binet. They raped me,” she screeched, in pain.

“I am so sorry, Simone. I know exactly what you’re going through. You are brave and strong to have made it this far. I was a coward. I went through the same thing. However, my Sienna ended up paying for their sins. I promise to help you through this. Todd and Robert have to pay for what they did to you. Don’t be like me, carrying my abusers’ guilt.”

“It’s too late, Dr. Binet, my daughter is three now. No one would believe me. They’d probably call me fast, just like Mimas did. I just need to know how to move on from here.”

“I promise to help you every step of the way. You know I was going to end our sessions today, like I did with the other girls, but I will continue working with you. Please keep it between the two of us. I don’t want to hurt any of the girls by them thinking I chose you over them.”

“Right now, I will do whatever is necessary. I cannot think anymore, and I need my sanity in order to be what I need to be to Sage. So you have my word.”

We embraced, allowing our tears to express our deep thoughts and our pain.

I’ve spent too many years trying to erase what happened to me, and I have been living a lie. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I pretend to be this happy woman who has it all together, when all I really want to do is lie down and let the pain flow through me. I’ve contemplated suicide, but that’s too easy. I am not the one who needs to die. Every time I listened to the girls, I realized how much more I am needed, and me killing myself would benefit only my abuser even more. Simone’s story was an eye-opener for me in so many ways. I went to see Dr. Kruk and then Dr. Ness because ethically I had crossed a line. However, after talking to Dr. Ness and learning of Nakita’s untimely death, I knew all of this was meant to happen. I have work to do.

“I promise I won’t let you down, Nakita,” I whisper as I walk out of Nakita’s bedroom. I close the door behind me, then make my way to my car.

I am so not in the mood for this right now, I think when I see Jenna and her dad, Dale, walking up the driveway in my direction.

“Brianne, how are you making out? Considering—” Dale begins, but I cut him off.

“I can say I’ve seen better days, Dale. But in due time we will all heal from this, and Nakita’s death will not have been in vain.”

“Excuse me?” he says.

“This was a sign for all of us to get our shit in order. We have to deal with all those things we’ve been keeping inside.”

“I agree that counseling and dealing with those deep things do help. Thanks for everything, Brianne. We picked up some food, if you want to stay awhile,” he replies.

“No thank you. But thank you for the offer.”

“Dad, can you give us a moment?” Jenna interrupts.

“Sure.” He removes bags from Jenna’s arms and heads toward the front door.

After he shuts the door, Jenna snaps, “How could you act like I wasn’t standing here, Brianne?”

“Jenna, it was the wrong time to be discussing anything. Your father was standing here. And it was the wrong time for things to go the way that they did earlier, when we should have been mourning the loss of our friend. Your cousin, for God’s sake.”

“You’re absolutely right. I knew you were upset and didn’t mean what you said. Even though it made me think—”

“Yes, it was wrong timing. However, I meant everything I said. This is not for me, and you know deep down inside it’s not for you. We can be friends. That’s all that I can give you, and that is all you can give, so let’s stop beating around the bush and be honest with one another.”

“Fine, Brianne.”

She brushes past me and storms into the house.